“Hurt him in the pocket book, eh?”
“Yep,” I said. “I'll give you a great deal.”
“I'll bet you say that 20 times a day.”
“Let's go meet my sales manager. You tell your story. I guarantee you'll get a great deal.”
Phil and I were in Dan's office.
Dan screamed, “You're killing me Phil! I had to actually give that woman a good deal!”
Phil said, “All of our deals are good deals.”
“Shut up Phil. You know we screw everybody. I even screwed Mike's girlfriend yesterday.”
“Nonetheless, she's happy,” I said.
“Good,” said Dan.
“She knows you made money on her trade. She doesn't care about that.”
“Right, well except for that, she got a good deal.”
Phil said, “About that woman in the skirt … she begged me to touch her.”
“Doubt that,” replied Dan.
“It's the truth,” insisted Phil.
Dan opened a drawer, pulled out a zip lock bag, and threw the bag at Phil.
“Tell me the truth about that,” said Dan.
Phil picked up the bag and glanced at the document inside.
Phil said, “It's the split sale document for yesterday's minivan.”
“So, you think I should give you half of Mike's sale?”
“Yes. He stole my up. That was my customer.”
Dan held out his hand palm forward and said, “Please, no more. I heard that story from Mike.”
Phil laid the bag on Dan's desk and asked, “Why is the document in a zip lock bag?”
“It's evidence in your fraud trial,” said Dan.
“What fraud?”
“Mike says he didn't sign the document.”
“What are you going to do?” said Phil.
“I don't know. Maybe I'll just forget it. Maybe I'll turn you over to the cops. Maybe I'll just fire your ass. I haven't decided yet.”
At that moment, the intercom said, “Salesman to the showroom.”
Phil said, “I'm up.”
Dan pointed to his office door and said, “Go!”
Phil hustled out.
Dan shrugged, “He's got me by the balls. You've done good, but you're just temporary until Bruce's killer is caught. Phil is the only real salesman I've got on the day shift right now. Try to make nice.”
“I am making nice. Phil wasn't actually up just now.”
Dan had a good laugh about that. I wandered back to the showroom.
George Mansfield, aka Manny, was a mechanic for the dealership. He was the man Lela recorded in the ladies room. Manny had an iron clad alibi for Bruce's murder, he was out of town.
Ben went to DIA and reviewed the airport camera footage. The DIA video showed Manny coming and going thru DIA on Sunday.
Phil and Manny were sharing a smoke outside the new car showroom.
Phil said, “I'm in deep shit.”
“What did you do?” asked Manny.
“I fondled a woman's thigh during a test drive. Her skirt was jacked up so high, I could see her panties. She saw me looking and asked if I liked what I was seeing. I thought she wanted it, so I ran my hand up her thigh to her crotch, but then she drove right back and reported me. I think it was all just a con job to get a discount, because she bought the car when Dan offered her a cheap price.”
Manny sighed and said, “Women …”
Ben drove into the dealership parking lot.
Phil said, “It's that cop that's been hanging around since Bruce died. He's come to arrest me for touching that cock tease woman. Fuck that, I'm out of here.”
“Where you going?”
“Don't know. I've got the keys to that maroon SUV. I'll just skip town and see where I wind up when I get there.”
“Take me with you.”
Ben was the spearhead for an arrest team for Manny. The arresting officers arrived in an armada of unmarked cars. By the time they arrived, Phil and Manny were already gone.
A dozen cops assaulted the service garage. They were told Manny stepped out for a smoke, check the smoker's bench near the new car showroom.
A loud police conference was occurring outside the new car showroom. Lots of finger pointing. I went to see what the commotion was all about.
I walked over to Cap and said, “What just happened?”
Cap sighed and said, “We're just figuring that out now. One of the smokers told us she heard a couple of guys talking. Apparently your pathetic kidnapper thought we were going to arrest him for molesting a woman, so he bolted out of town and took our murder suspect along for the ride.”
“Geez Louise.”
“Why does it always go weird when you're on the case, Ferris?”
The unlikely pair traveled west on I-70. Along to way, Manny got the upper hand and kicked Phil out of the getaway car.
The I-70 tunnel in western Colorado is a technological wonder. When it was built, it was the most expensive section of road in the entire interstate system.
The maroon SUV passed dozens of cameras on its underground journey west. Sharp eyed tunnel technicians recognized the vehicle from the Denver BOLO. The techs followed the progress of the vehicle thru the tunnel. When the vehicle exited the tunnel, state troopers and local deputies were waiting. They captured Manny alive.
Manny denied killing his former girl friend's boyfriend.
Manny said, “I didn't kill her fucking precious Bruce”.
He repeated that phrase many times. It was never just 'Bruce', it was always 'her fucking precious Bruce'.
Phil was walking the old main road that ran parallel to the freeway. A town was several miles ahead. As Phil walked towards town, he passed the county dump.
Phil surprised a hungry female bear, foraging for a winter snack.
As the bear tore into Phil, he said to himself, “I thought bears hibernate in the winter.”
Plucky Phil survived the bear mauling. Phil lived to observe two Latino males unloading trash from a monster pickup.
Phil yelled, “Hey you beaners. A little help here?”
Juan and Carlos walked over.
Juan said, “You don't look so good, gringo.”
“Fucking bear mauled me. Are you beaners going to help, or what?”
“Truck is new. Don't want no gringo blood in it.”
“Fucking beaners.”
Carlos said, “I'm calling for help.”
“Why you helping this gringo asshole?” asked Juan.
“Listen to you,” said Carlos. “You're as bad as him. You want his bad karma? Yes, he's a fucking bigot, but he's a human being and I'm helping him.”
Carlos whipped out a cell phone and called 911.
Phil's female Doctor was Latina. Phil's primary nurse was Cheyenne.
Phil said, “You chicks are hot.”
The hottest one said, “I'm your doctor. You will address me as 'Doctor Mendoza' or just 'doctor'.”
Phil said, “No way my doctor is a beaner chick.”
The Cheyenne nurse swatted Phil's ear.
“Ow!” yelled Phil. “I'll sue your squaw ass.”
The nurse said, “You will respect this woman. She doctored your wounds, after all of the other doctors refused to touch your bigoted ass.”
“Sorry,” said Phil.
“Ok, we'll begin again. I'm Doctor Mendoza.”
“Hello, doctor. Thanks for patching me up.”
“No problem. This is Grace Running Bear.”
“You can call me Grace.”
“Hi Grace. Pleasure to meet you.”
“You're such a charmer,” said Grace.
“Why are my arms tied to the bed frame?”
“Your bear wounds,” said Mendoza. “We don't want you to scratch anywhere.”
“I'm like a psyche patient.”
“Yes, that's certainly the general consensus of the hospital staff,” said Grace.
“Hey, I thought we were playing nice.”
“Sorry,” said Grace.
Mendoza said, “Grace has been assigned to make sure you don't scratch yourself. When Grace is here, we can untie one of your arms. If there's somebody helping Grace, we can untie both arms.”
“So, it's either squaw Grace or the restraints?”
“Yes,” said Mendoza.
“Great,” said Phil.
“We'll be such good friends,” said Grace.
Wizo and I tagged along when Ben and his police buddies executed a search warrant for Phil's Denver apartment. We found Phil's computer desk.
I picked up a color printout. “It's a blown up copy of my driver's license.”
Wizo unfolded a wad of paper from Phil's trash can. Wizo said, “It's a document that says Mike gives Phil half of the proceeds of a minivan sale.”
I looked over Wizo's shoulder and said, “He practiced signing my signature. This is a reject. See? He messed up my first name on that one.”
Ben unfolded another wad of paper from the trash. He said, “It's the same form, with a slightly different flawed signature.”
Wizo booted Phil's pc and roamed around. Wizo found the document in Phil's Word database. Wizo said, “Here's the document. It's set to print 20 copies.”
Between the unsigned copies and the reject wads, we found 19 copies. Apparently, copy 20 was the one Phil gave to Dan.
“Evidence of fraud,” I said.
“Small potatoes,” said Ben. “I'd let him walk.”
“Well sure,” I said. “He isn't practicing to sign YOUR name. He didn't take all of the money in YOUR wallet.”
“I'd just like to find the guy,” replied Ben.
Ben did a routine search of hospital admissions along the I-70 corridor. We were visiting a John Doe bear mauling. When we entered, the patient was getting a sponge bath from a Native American Nurse and a Latina Doctor.
I turned to Ben and said, “It's Phil.”
Out in the hall, Dr. Mendoza said, “Mauled by a bear in the town dump.”
“Thanks for helping him,” I said.
“No problem. Are you a friend?”
“Coworker.”
“Well, he's been a model patient.”
“I doubt that.”
Dr. Mendoza laughed.
“Why is he listed as a John Doe?” asked Ben.
“No wallet,” said Mendoza. “Claims amnesia. We thought the amnesia was bullshit, but we didn't push it.”
Ben and I went in to talk. Grace was with Phil. As we approached, Phil waved his untied arm near his stomach. Grace quickly grabbed Phil's arm and guided it off to the side, away from his wounds.
After the introductions, Phil said, “Am I in trouble?”
Ben shrugged. “Grand theft auto, but we got the car back undamaged. Drugging and kidnapping,” Ben nodded towards me, “but he's not pressing charges.”
“I'm not?” I said.
Grace gave Phil a stern look. “Did you drug and kidnap this man?”
“Sort of ...” said Phil.
Grace swatted Phil's ear.
“Ow!” yelled Phil.
“Why?” asked Grace.
“I was just having a little fun,” moaned Phil. “Mike came with me willingly to have a drink at my bar. I slipped him a ruffie. No big deal.”
Ben said, “We traced Mike's cell phone and found him passed out in the parking lot of a stripper bar. It was a couple of miles from Phil's bar. Assuming Phil transported Mike to where we found him, that's technically kidnapping, but boys will be boys, we're willing to write it off as a little joke on Mike.”
“Especially funny was finding no money in my wallet,” I said.
Phil tried to block it, but Grace was faster. She swatted Phil's ear, again.
“Ow! He bought a few round for my friends, okay?”
“Like he knew what he was doing after you ruffied him,” said Grace.
“He was a bit open to suggestion,” admitted Phil.
“What else?” said Grace.
“Forgery,” I said. “He jumped my car sale with a forged document.”
“I don't understand,” said Grace.
I pointed at Phil. “He's a car salesman. He and I worked together selling new cars for a dealership in Denver. I sold a minivan to a nice Mexican family. He tried to claim half of the minivan sale with a forged document.”
“Hey, I was next up. Those beaners were my customers. HE jumped MY sale!”
Grace swatted Phil's ear, again. “That's for calling them beaners,” she said.
Ben sighed and said, “All of this is all small potatoes, compared to a murder I'm working on. It turns out that a suspected murderer escaped arrest by leaving with Phil. The suspected murderer was later arrested in the car Phil stole from Denver. We need Phil to testify to the car theft, so we can lay the groundwork for placing George Mansfield in the stolen car.”
“George Mansfield would be Manny?” asked Phil.
“Right,” said Ben.
“Did you kidnap this Manny, too?” asked Grace.
“No,” said Phil. “Manny went willingly. He asked to come with me when I said I was blowing town.”
“And, he knew you were leaving in a car owned by the dealership?” asked Ben.
“Yes, he saw the key fob with the stock number on it. He saw the dealer license plate. Manny understood I didn't own the car.”
“Great,” said Ben. “I want to record your statement with a digital voice recorder. If you make a statement placing Manny in the stolen car, I'll drop all of your charges.”
“You'll drop grand theft auto, kidnapping, and …” said Phil, pausing and trailing off.
“And, all the other bullshit,” completed Ben.
Ben started the voice recorder. Phil talked about all of the events that led up to him thinking the police were coming to get him. Then, Phil stated he told Manny he was skipping town and Manny asked to come along. Finally, Phil told about Manny stealing his wallet and dumping him on a county road.
Ben stopped the recorder.
Grace swatted Phil's ear. “That's for fondling that woman's thigh,” she said.
When we left the hospital, I paid Phil's medical bill. It was more than the amount of the proceeds of the minivan sale, but my other car sales covered it. The city paid me for the undercover work, so I was doing okay.
We were cleaning weed for Lela's daily brownie baking. I told Lela the latest installment of the Phil story.
“So, you're not double dipping?” said Lela.
“Well, no, I'm still double dipping, a little bit,” I admitted.
“Did you double dip on me?”
“Is this a sexual reference? No, I'm not cheating on you, if that's what you're asking.”
“Did you make money on my car sale?”
“Yes, but I gave that money to Phil. Most of the double dip came off of a big truck I sold the last day I was there.”
“When are you coming back to work security at my dispensary?”
“Any time.”
“So, you're done selling cars?”
“Well, no. Dan asked if I could fill in selling cars for awhile, but that would be just part time, mornings until after lunch. So, I'd generally be free afternoons and evenings, unless another big case comes up.”
“Great, I'll put you on the schedule. I mean like Dude is great, but he's not available all the time and Wizo found a job with Visa, so I can't use him anymore, not that scrawny old Wizo was much a deterrent, not like you, big guy.”
We fell silent for a moment. The timer dinged. Lela took a brownie pan out the oven and replaced it with the next batch, already in a pan, ready to bake. We cut the baked brownies and vacuum sealed the brownie rectangles.
I said, “What's the perfect price point for a vaporizer?”
“What do you mean?” asked Lela.
“A company is looking for investors. The product is a vaporizer that retails for $300.”
“That's pretty cheap for a good vaporizer. You'll be rich.”
/> “Suppose I invested, then somebody else came up with a $200 vaporizer.”
“Not necessarily screwed. Vaporizers clog easily and are a bitch to clean. If your $300 model clogs infrequently and is easy to clean, then you could still be a rich man.”
Lela returned her Windows 8 machine for a full refund. She ordered a Windows 7 machine from a 'build your own' hardware vendor. The Windows 7 machine had to be assembled and shipped, but still it arrived before Lela was credited with the refund for the Windows 8 machine.
DEA Director Michelle Leonhart never replied to Lela's email about the insanity of United States federal drug scheduling. Meanwhile, federal drug scheduling remained insane.
Lela said, “Obama promised change, but he kept all the Bush idiots. DEA Director Michelle Leonhart is a Bush holdover. Dingbat Leonhart is NOT change.”
“Perhaps she's not a dingbat,” I replied. “Defending federal drug policies would make anybody come off as sounding stupid.”
“Bullshit, she's a dingbat!”
On Saturday April 20, 2013, Lela and I attended the 420 celebration in Denver. It was a weed festival. The 420 celebration references weed folklore regarding a group of California college faculty and students gathering at 4:20 pm every day to smoke weed behind a college building. That was 4:20 pm every day, but now the 420 translates to April 20, the day of the weed festival. This year, April 20 was a Saturday and it was the first 420 festival since the successful legalization vote last November, thus attendance was predicted to break a record.
Event security allowed public outdoor weed consumption, which was still technically illegal in 2013. Meanwhile, the nation was in aftershock from the Boston Marathon bombing. The 420 festival came a day after the apprehension of the lone surviving bomber. CNN & FOX News were still streaming bomber broadcasts round the clock.
Lela was off with her buddies. Knowing Lela, they were probably discussing DEA Director Michelle Leonhart and federal drug scheduling. Despite the Boston bombing drama, Lela hadn't cooled off about drug scheduling.
I wandered around alone, off the grid. I did a drive-by thru the crowd. I talked to people I knew. Everybody was like “how 'bout those bombers, eh?”
A woman stepped in front of me. “Is that you Mike?”