If Shaya hadn’t known about Derren’s plan to make Nick into his Alpha, she would have bought that act. She wasn’t yet sure whether she wanted the plan to be successful or not. On the one hand, being an Alpha was natural to Nick and would make his wolf content. On the other hand, Nick had been loaded with responsibilities for a very long time. If he wanted a breather, he deserved one.
While the others continued discussing the extremists, Nick turned her in his arms and brushed her hair from her face. “You’re thinking very hard about something.”
“Just wondering what to do about the house. I mean, are we going back to California for good?”
Pursing his lips, Nick shrugged. “That’s up to you.” He had never felt bonded to any particular place—not even to the land where he’d once been Alpha. As such, neither he nor his wolf was being tugged in a direction other than Shaya.
“No, it’s up to both of us.” If the idiot wasn’t making decisions for her, he was handing them completely over to her—unreal. It struck her then that being a partnership was uncharted territory for Nick. As Alpha, he’d been used to making decisions alone and putting what everybody else needed before himself. She didn’t want him always putting her needs first. A relationship was about finding middle ground. “It has to be something that works for us both.”
“I know that, baby, but I don’t see the point in being fussy about something that means more to you than it does to me. I don’t feel drawn to any particular place. Maybe you do.”
“Actually, no. I’ve always wanted to travel. My dad used to tell me stories of all the places he’d been, and I’d always wanted to see them when I was old enough to go traveling.”
“Then maybe you’ll be happy to finally learn what the job you’ve applied for is.”
“Go on.”
“Dean Middleton is soon retiring from his position as one of the wolf shifter mediators. If you want the job, it’ll mean you’ll need to travel a lot.” In Nick’s opinion, no position would suit her better.
Shaya could only gawk. Then she was smiling widely and wrapping her arms around him. “Thank you!” It was, in fact, a job she would love.
“Dean’s contract doesn’t run out for another four weeks,” he told her when she released him, “so you have time to still go through the interview process. I’m confident they’ll adore you and decide you’re best for the job.”
Clearly Shaya’s delight had caught Taryn’s and Derren’s attention, because they both appeared. “What’s going on?” asked Taryn.
Excited, Shaya told them. “I would love it.” And it would give her a sense of purpose—another thing she would enjoy having. Grateful, she snuggled against Nick.
Taryn nodded approvingly at Nick. “Good call, Axton. I actually wouldn’t have thought of that, and I’ve known her for forever.”
“What kind of mate would I be if I didn’t know her inside out?” Nick dropped a kiss on Shaya’s head.
“An Alpha female as a mediator,” drawled Taryn. “Even better.”
Nick shook his head in exasperation. “How many times do I have to say it? I’m not starting a pack. You’re almost as bad as…” Nick stopped, frowning. His mouth repeatedly opened and closed, but the name of the guy he was talking about, the guy in front of him who he had known for a long time, wouldn’t come out. It wouldn’t come out, because he couldn’t remember it. He reached for it again and again, feeling like it was on the tip of his tongue…but it didn’t come. His wolf growled and instantly began pacing, knowing this wasn’t good.
Shaya frowned in confusion, unsure what was wrong. “Hey, you okay?” Nick looked at her, but he didn’t answer. He seemed to be struggling with something. Totally baffled, she turned to Derren and raised a questioning brow. The guy was pale. What the hell was going on? “Nick, what is it?”
Nick shook himself out of it, determined to hide his panic from Shaya. How could he not panic? The memory lapse was a too-familiar feeling—a sign that his cognitive functions were again degenerating. That could only mean one thing…a thing he had dreaded and feared and hoped would never happen. And there was really only one thing he could do if he wanted his mate—the only thing that mattered to him—to live a full, happy life: leave that life.
His wolf didn’t agree with Nick’s decision, as the animal was too elemental in his way of thinking. Shaya was his mate, she was his, and so Nick must claim her—things were really that simple to his wolf. As such, he was raging with Nick for his decision to leave, pacing, growling, tearing into Nick with his claws. But Nick ignored his protests. This wasn’t something he would budge on, no matter how much it enraged his wolf, or how much it would hurt them both to do it.
Forcing a smile for Shaya, Nick kissed her gently on the mouth, wishing he could deepen it, take his time, and enjoy this one last taste of her. But his Shaya wasn’t stupid; she would know something was wrong, would sense the desperation in that kiss. Worse, she would insist that he stay, would demand that they face this together because that was who she was. So fucking brave and with such a big heart and a stubborn will.
He didn’t want her to one day find herself looking into the eyes of a person she had mated with and seeing nothing of that person there. He didn’t want her to spend her life without someone being there for her, loving her, and caring for her. She had already lost her twin, had been through enough. She needed and deserved to have somebody who could take of her, not for it to be the other way around.
“I just remembered I haven’t let Bruce out of the motor home for some air today.” Most likely because he was uncomfortable being in a house full of strange shifters, Bruce preferred to stay in the motor home most of the time. “I’ll be back in a minute,” he added, running his finger from her temple to her jawline, needing to touch her, needing that contact…and bracing himself to give it up.
Suspicious and, for a reason she wasn’t sure of, suddenly anxious, Shaya nonetheless nodded. “Okay.”
“I’ll be back in a minute.” He took one last moment to drink in the sight of her, drink in every single detail of her face, despite that each one was already committed to memory—a memory that would disintegrate until it eventually didn’t include her. The idea of that was enough to put a lump in his throat.
Ignoring his wolf’s raging, Nick forced another smile for her and then strolled out of the house. It hurt to do it. Hurt to do the one thing he’d sworn to her that he’d never do. Hurt to know he’d never again see her, never again hear her laugh, and never again experience the calm that only she gave him. But he’d do it for her. And it was for her, though he doubted she’d see it that way.
He hadn’t been inside the motor home for more than five seconds when Derren abruptly barged in. “What are you doing?”
Nick threw Derren an impatient look. At least he could remember his name again. “Is that a serious question?”
“I thought you didn’t want to leave her.”
“I don’t. But I won’t fuck up her life.”
“Don’t you think Shaya gets some say in this? Or don’t you think you owe it to her to at least consult another healer?”
“If a healer as strong as Amber can’t help, no one can. And you know it.”
Derren bowed his head, inhaling deeply. When he looked up again, there was pain in his expression. “If you run, you’ll lose her forever, Nick. She’ll never forgive you.”
“I’d rather she hated me than for her to watch me slowly become someone I’m not, become her patient. That’s not a mate.” And at least this way, she would remember him as he was. “The upside of leaving is that I’ll lead Logan away from her. No doubt some of his followers are still watching from a distance. They’ll see me leaving.”
“I’m coming with you.”
Nick shook his head. “No.”
A snort. “Surely you’ve learned by now that arguing with me over this gets you nowhere.”
“I want you to stay with her,” he said through his teeth. “I want to be sure that s
he’s safe.” He trusted Derren with her.
Arching a daring brow, Derren folded his arms across his chest. “If you want to be sure she’s safe, stay.”
Son of a bitch. “Why are you doing this?”
“I’m your friend, and I don’t want you to make a mistake you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”
Nick snickered. “How could I regret anything when I probably won’t even remember her after six years or so? It would hurt her to see that happen.”
“So you’re going to cut and run?”
Hearing the new voice—a female voice filled with hurt, betrayal, and fury—Nick squeezed his eyes shut. He’d been so wrapped up in his own panic that he hadn’t sensed her come in.
Shaya advanced toward them, arms folded. It hadn’t taken a genius to work out that something was seriously wrong, particularly when Derren had dashed out after Nick. So she’d followed and remained outside the motor home, eavesdropping on the conversation between the two males. A part of her was hurting for Nick, sympathized with him, and even understood why he had made this decision and why he believed this was his only choice. But the other part of her was too torn up and felt too betrayed to give a flying fuck—he was her mate, he’d sworn that he wouldn’t abandon her again, and now he was going back on his word. Her wolf wasn’t angry; she was too busy freaking the fuck out, panicky and anxious.
Without moving her eyes from Nick, she gritted out, “Derren, leave.”
The authority in her voice made Nick’s wolf stop in his pacing, surprised. Even more surprising, Derren’s wolf didn’t appear to have bristled at a command coming from a submissive wolf. Nor did Derren; he coaxed Bruce to follow him out of the motor home and closed the door behind them…leaving Nick alone with a totally pissed-off female wolf who looked ready to bloody him—again.
Shaya smiled bitterly. “Here you are again making decisions for both of us, deciding what’s ‘best’ for me and leaving me, all in the name of that.”
“Are you telling me you wouldn’t do the same if the situation was reversed?”
Okay, yeah, she probably would, but while she was hurting this badly, she wasn’t concerned with being fair. “If I want to be here for you and stick by you through all this, then that is my choice.”
His face hardened. “I’m supposed to protect you, Shay. I’m supposed to protect you, care for you, and be a pillar of strength for you. It shouldn’t be the other fucking way around.”
A snicker. “Sounds like pride talking to me.”
Yes, his pride was taking a huge blow, but that hadn’t been what he’d meant and she knew it. “I can’t give you what you need,” he said quietly, his voice gravelly with emotion.
“You promised me,” she hissed.
“Shay—”
“You promised me. You swore you wouldn’t leave me again! I trusted you!”
“That was before I knew I wasn’t healed. And you’ve never really trusted me, Shay.”
The sadness in those latter words made her want to cry. He looked and sounded so lonely, and it broke her and her wolf inside. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to make this decision for me. I choose to stand by you through this.”
“Why? So you can watch me slowly deteriorate and become someone you don’t know? Well fuck that. I choose to not make you go through that.” And then she was punching the shit out of his chest. He locked his arms around her, grunting through clenched teeth as she dealt his ribs blow after blow. After a minute or so, she finally stopped. She didn’t move away, kept her forehead leaning against his chest as she tried to calm down, panting and clenching her fists. He gently kissed her hair, loving the softness of it and knowing he’d miss it.
She didn’t look up at him when she spoke. “I’ll hate you forever if you go now.”
Cupping her face, Nick lifted her gaze to his. “I would rather you despised me than for you to be without a mate. I wouldn’t be a mate, Shay. I wouldn’t even be someone you knew.” He ran the pad of his thumb across her bottom lip. “You deserve better than me anyway. You always knew that. It’s why you don’t want me to claim you.”
No, it wasn’t; she did want him to claim her. And maybe she hadn’t known exactly how much she wanted that until right then, but it was true. She had come to trust him as much as she trusted Taryn—which was saying a lot—had come to depend on him, and had come to finally accept his place in her life. And now he wanted to leave. Not a chance. If the situation had been reversed, nothing would have made Nick leave her. He would never have made her go through such a thing alone; he’d have supported her every step of the way. She’d be damned if she’d behave any differently. He was hers. Ill, healthy—it didn’t matter. And if he didn’t like her decision, he could kiss her wolf’s furry ass.
Dropping his hands from her face, Nick stepped back. “I need you to go inside now, Shay.”
Her eyes flared with defiance and anger. “No.”
Nick sighed. “Baby, please—”
“No.”
He arched a brow at her. “Don’t make me put you unconscious again, Shay. If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. You know I never make a threat I don’t intend to follow through on.”
That was true. And fighting him off wouldn’t be easy; he was bigger and far stronger, and Shaya knew from past experience just how capable he was of taking her on. But she’d made her decision, and she’d stick to it. All she had to do was get close to him. Of course that was a little difficult right now while he was on guard, braced for her to fight him. Still, there was more than one way to skin a cat—or a wolf, in this case.
Just as she had that first night he came when he’d cuffed her wrists, she played the miserable victim accepting of her fate. “Can I at least get a hug before you leave me again?”
Guilt pierced his chest. “Come here.”
Worked like a charm. Fixing a desolate look on her face, she stepped into his open arms, which curled tight around her. She buried her face into his neck, being sure to sniffle.
Another arrow of guilt shot through Nick. “It’s for the best, baby. Really. I know you don’t think that right now, but it—” He flinched as her teeth sank down hard into the juncture of his neck and shoulder. “Fuck.” As she sucked hard on the mark she was leaving, Nick quickly realized she wasn’t marking him one last time. Shaya was trying to claim him.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Shay…Shay, you have to stop.” She really, really did, because the sensations crawling through him and over him were threatening Nick’s self-control. His wolf, his body, his soul—they all rejoiced in what she was doing, and they wanted one thing, and one thing only: to claim her right back. So did Nick, but he knew better, knew he couldn’t keep—
He groaned as she sank her teeth deeper. “Shay…” Then the tricky bitch was tearing open his fly and fishing out his cock. He sucked in a breath at the feel of her soft hand wrapped around him. He was hard and hot and aching, and she was fisting him with a possessive grip that was making him forget why he wanted to fight this.
Tangling a hand in her hair, he tugged hard in an attempt to dislodge her. She was having none of that. She simply bit down harder until she drew blood, growling. And God, that fucking possessive growl made the whole thing worse. His wolf approved of her strength, of her defiance. Nick yanked harder on her hair this time, but it was like she’d locked her jaw because he couldn’t make her release him. Then she was pumping him faster, stealing more and more of his control with each stroke, and sucking on the bite in time with her strokes. If he didn’t stop her, if he didn’t make her release him, there wasn’t a hope in hell that she’d leave this vehicle unclaimed. “Shay, stop,” he ordered.
The depth of authority in his tone almost made Shaya falter. Almost. This was her mate. He was hers. And he wasn’t going anywhere. When he tugged again on her hair, she responded by increasing the pace of her strokes, and smiled inwardly at the sound of his sharp intake of breath. She could sense his resolve weakening, could se
nse his temptation to claim her slithering all over him, and could sense just how little self-control he had left. It thrilled her wolf to know she could do this to him, to have this power over him. Submissive, my ass.
When the hand she’d knotted in his T-shirt released him, Nick peered down and watched as she opened the snap of her jeans and slid her hand inside her panties. Christ. Then she made that moaning sound that drove him fucking crazy. “Shay…” It wasn’t a sound of complaint or censure anymore. It was a plea for mercy. He was drowning in the sensations she was causing and the primal urge to take, to own, to claim. “Baby, you have to—” His sentence was cut off as the hand she’d jammed down her pants rose and inserted one wet finger into his mouth. Her taste exploded on his tongue. Fuck.
In seconds, Nick had shredded her jeans with his claws, lifted her in his arms, slammed her against the wall, and thrust deep inside her. She released his neck with a shocked gasp, raising determined eyes to his. He held himself still, searching for the control to withdraw, because if he fucked her right now, he’d claim her. No question.
Anger…he needed anger—it was a fuel that had always worked for him in the past. He didn’t have to dig for it, not while both he and his wolf were already raging at fate. His hard gaze drilled into hers. If he had to make her detest him so that she’d leave, then that was what he’d do. “Why would you want this, baby? Because you feel sorry for me? Because your conscience is telling you that it’s what you should do? I don’t want your fucking pity. I don’t want you.”
Did he really think she wouldn’t know what he was doing? Pfft. Shaya was well aware that he wanted to piss her off, to drive her away, to make her hate him enough to run out of this motor home and never look back. What an idiot. “I want this because I care about you, dumbass.”
“Care about me?” He didn’t have to force the snort—that was something he truly didn’t believe. “Nothing I’ve done since I got here has meant anything to you. Nothing. The only reason you gave me a chance was because you felt bad about going on a date—a date you never would have gone on if you cared—so don’t give me that shit.”