'Shut up,' I told the voices inside me that told me what we were doing was wrong. 'Keep still and don't dare try to stop me, not now, not ever.'
"Maybe I was bad then. Maybe I was just as bad as he was. I went to sleep that night anxious, and yet excited about the dance and what boys I might meet there."
I looked up at Doctor Marlowe.
"Maybe that's why," I said referring to the big question we had left hanging between us after all my sessions with her to date. "Maybe this is the reason why I don't hate him as much as my mother wants me to hate him, as much as everyone wants me to hate him"
She nodded, a soft smile on her face.
I looked back at the girls.
Yes, I thought, this is good. I'm glad I'm here. I'll go on no matter what I see in their faces and in their eyes.
8
" As usual, by the time I rose and went down to breakfast the next day, my father had already gone to work. I had had very strange dreams all night. They were full of startling colors and strange places and faces. I remember seeing myself walking through a field of multicolored clouds that then floated away to uncover a field where arms and hands appeared to be growing out of the ground like stalks of corn. I twisted and turned, avoiding them. They reached out toward me as if they had eyes as well as fingers and I had to move and spin to avoid being seized.
"I guess I literally turned and twisted in my bed too, because when I woke, I actually ached all over, especially right here in my waist and in the back of my legs," I explained showing them.
"I was afraid my mother would take one look at me that morning, see how upset I was, and fire a slew of sharp questions, but she was occupied with her electric stove. Something was wrong and she was complaining about the way modern appliances simply created more complicated problems.
"Still, I felt strange after what Daddy and I had done, and I probably would have felt even more anxious about it if it wasn't for a conversation I overheard at lunch. Debbie Hartley was talking about her newest boyfriend Alex Lomax, she was
complaining about him, actually. Debbie is one of the most popular girls at school. Everyone believes she has had the most experience with boys, so when she says something about dating or some boy, the girls are all glued to her every word as if she was spouting gospel. I was no exception.
"I sat just within listening range and tried to act as if I wasn't interested, but she began by describing how Alex had tricked her into going for a ride in his father's new Cadillac the night before and then parked in some deserted dump, knowing all along that his intention was to get her into the- backseat, 'Where,' she said, 'he surprised me by producing a condom!'
"My ears perked up. It was almost the same situation Daddy had envisioned.
"'He had the nerve to assume that when I told him before I wasn't ready, I meant we didn't have protection,' Debbie declared. 'Of course, he tried everything, telling me how much he cared for me, how he couldn't sleep because I was constantly on his mind. Then he tried kissing me on the neck, nibbling my ear, acting as if I was nothing more than some car engine he was trying to get started.'
"'What did you do?' Judy Gibson asked her.
"'I told him if he didn't back off, I'd kick him where he would remember it until his dying day,' she said with fury in her voice 'Imagine, using as an excuse my saying I wasn't ready. Boys deliberately misunderstand things you say or misinterpret things you do just to get you to do what they want,' she proclaimed. The girls nodded and bobbed their heads simultaneously like puppets on strings.
" `So you're not going with him to the dance?' Betty Anderson asked her.
"'Of course I am. He's cute, isn't he? I can handle him He'll behave now, but you've got to show them who's in control fast or . .
"'Or what?' Judy asked breathlessly.
"'Or you'll be pushing a baby carriage in the Beverly Center mall,' she predicted.
"All the girls around her nodded again in unison, all wide-eyed. My heart was racing. Daddy was teaching me the right things, I thought. If all these girls, who supposedly were far more experienced with boys than I was, were this vulnerable, what could I expect?"
"I bet that Debbie Hartley was full of jelly beans," Star said. "She was just trying to be a big deal in front of her sheep."
"You think so?" I asked.
"Why else would she put down her boyfriend in front of them like that?"
"Star's right," Jade said. "I know girls like that, too. They are usually making it up to look like they are more experienced. Unless she's just a sex tease, of course, and likes to torment every boy she dates," she added.
"Maybe," Star said, "but I think we're probably right about her anyway."
Misty said nothing, but nodded with a knowing look on her face.
How I wished I was experienced enough to recognize these things as well as they could, I thought.
"Nevertheless, it was on my mind the remainder of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about it all, even when I got home and started my homework. Daddy came home late that night and my mother complained about the stink of booze on his breath. He did look like he had drunk more than usual. His eyes were a little more bloodshot and he had this devilmay-care smile on his face as she chastised and lectured him
"He didn't say anything special to me, but at dinner, I caught him looking my way occasionally and winking Of course, I checked to see if my mother had caught us conspiring each time, but she was occupied with the meal and with reminding my father about her great-uncle Willy who had become an alcoholic from his daily drink with the boys and ended up dying in the gutter, penniless. It was one of those- family stories that takes on the power of a legend. My father was never very impressed with it and once told her that her mother probably made it all up.
"That set her off on a tirade against his family, whom she called white trash. Daddy never defended them no matter what she said. As I grew older, I wondered why, but he always retreated from my questions with the statement that they were all 'A bunch of lunatics.' According to him, it was better to pretend they didn't exist, that they never existed.
"After dinner my father fell asleep in his chair reading and my mother continued her complaining, only now, directing it to me.
"'See what a waste of energy it is to get yourself drunk,' she pointed out, nodding in his direction. 'It's better you never put your lips to any alcohol.'
"I thought about what had happened at Kelly's after I had begun to drink the rum and considered that she was probably right about that.
"Anyway, I went up to my room for the night. I heard her go to bed before Daddy and then, after I had bathed and gone to bed myself, I heard his footsteps on the stairs. He paused at my door. I held my breath and then I saw the door open slowly. He slipped in and closed it behind him
"'Cathy? Are you asleep?' he whispered.
"'No, Daddy,' I said. 'I just got into bed.'
"'Good,' he said and approached the bed. He sat at my feet for a moment. I could hear him breathing hard as if he had run up the stairs. Then he reached out and lay his hand, palm down, on the small of my stomach.
"'Are you still excited about going to the dance?' he asked.
"'Yes, Daddy,' I said.
"'Good,' he said. 'Well then, it's time to go on with our lesson.' He rose to sit closer to me. 'Remember where we were. You like this boy and you want him to like you,' he said quickly. 'Now boys can do something that is so unexpected and surprising to you, you'll get confused and lose your control,' he told me, which was almost exactly what Debbie had told her girlfriends at school.
"I heard what sounded like the rustle of clothing and a moment later, he lifted the cover and slipped into bed beside me.
"When I was a little girl, he had done this once. My mother was busy downstairs and he came into my room and slipped into the bed and held me and stroked my hair and petted me as he talked about things we would do together someday. I used to long for him to be like that again.
"'Now remember where we w
ere when we left off,' he whispered in my ear. 'You're in the backseat of his car and he has kissed you and told you he loves you and needs you and wants you to love and need him, and you like all that. You want all that. Then he moves quickly,' Daddy said and put his hand where it was on my thigh the day before.
"I held my breath, waiting for him to tell me what I was supposed to do. When he didn't speak, I thought he was waiting for me to move his hand away, but he moved it to that very private place between my legs before I could do anything.
"'When he touches you here, it's different,' he said. 'It makes that inner voice louder, right?
"'Oh Cathy,' he said in that pretend voice before I could respond. `You feel so good.'
"Then, without warning as he had promised, he turned himself and I felt his hardness against my inner thigh. He was right about it surprising me. I couldn't speak; I couldn't move. It was more than just a shock. It turned me to stone.
'He'll want you to touch him, Cathy. You should know what it's like for him so you will know what to expect. Here,' he said bringing my hand to him. 'See what happens to him. See?' he said.
"He held my hand there and I felt his heart beating through my palm
"I cried out and turned away quickly, burying my face in the pillow.
"'That's all right,' he said. 'That's good. That's the way you should be, but now you know what to expect.
That's good, isn't it? Isn't it?' he asked again until I nodded my head. 'Good,' he said. 'Good,' he chanted, but he sounded a little frightened too.
"He rose and I heard him dress and start for the door.
"'Good night, Cathy,' he said. 'That was tonight's lesson. There's just one more step to go,' he added as he opened the door and slipped out.
"I couldn't stop crying and then I became angry at myself. Why was I crying? Look at what Daddy had done for me. In minutes I was ahead of the other girls who would probably learn all this while it was happening and wouldn't know what to expect. I was more sophisticated than Debbie Hartley. Stop crying. Stop being a baby. Stop being immature, I told myself.
"Damn, Cat, didn't you know how wrong it was?" Star asked.
"I thought it was good!" I protested. "I didn't know. I had no one to talk to about it all. Daddy was nicer to me than ever!" I cried, tears now building aggressively under my eyes and pouring over my lids to streak down to my chin.
"Easy, Cathy," Doctor Marlowe said. "We've talked at length about this. You don't have to be. ashamed. You don't have to blame yourself. The girls understand," she added looking at them.
Misty nodded.
"Is he in jail at least?" Jade asked.
"No," I said.
"Why not?" she demanded.
"Let Cathy tell you everything at her own pace, Jade. If she wants to go on, that is," Doctor Marlowe said.
The girls sat back and looked at me anxiously. They didn't look angry so much as they looked frightened now. I was beginning to feel like I was the strongest of us all.
"I'll go on," I said.
Misty leaned forward and touched my hand. She smiled and I took a deep breath.
"Daddy was very busy the next two days. Something dramatic had happened in the stock market and he missed dinner on Wednesday night. On Thursday, however, he surprised both my mother and myself by telling us that he had to go to Santa Barbara to meet with an important client on Friday. He would leave late in the afternoon, so we could go along. He suggested we stay overnight and have dinner at a nice restaurant on the beach.
"'It's a great town, great stores. You'll have a good time,' he told my mother.
"Of course, she had her expected reaction. Santa Barbara was so close. Why was it necessary to stay overnight in an expensive hotel where strangers slept? It started her off on one of her favorite topics: her theory about why there was so much disease in the world. She believed it was due to travel, to people spreading germs and viruses. She was especially critical of air travel, claiming the germs were circulated for hours and hours in a plane. She had never been in a plane for just that reason, and she would certainly not go to Santa Barbara and stay overnight in some hotel.
"'Oh, too bad,' Daddy said and then turned to me and asked if I would want to go with him 'It's a business expense,' he said. 'The client is actually going to pay for it. I can get us a suite.'
"I looked to my mother but she seemed uninterested in my answer. I don't know if she thought I was going to be like her and refuse or if she didn't really care what I decided. Daddy looked at me with eyes that told me he really wanted me along.
"'We'll be home early enough for you to prepare for the dance,' he added, then looked at my mother and winked at me.
"'Okay,' I said.
"'Good,' he said quickly. 'I'll swing by after you come home from school and we'll head out to beat the traffic. Sure you won't join us, Geraldine?'
'Of course, I'm sure,' my mother said.
"Didn't she realize what was going on?" Jade asked quickly, her face flaming bright red with fury.
I shook my head.
"It was so far from her thoughts, she couldn't even imagine it," I told her.
"I bet she feels really bad now," Star said.
"She does but she blames him the most, of course," I said. "And me, too."
"Forget about blame. What happened? Did you go with him?" Jade asked.
"Yes. I was very nervous all the next day. The talk at school was all about the dance, of course, and some of the girls were asking me what I was going to wear. When I described the dress my father had bought, they looked envious. It made me more confident and even proud and more appreciative of Daddy.
"When I got home, I packed a small bag for overnight. My mother acted as if she had either forgotten or hadn't paid enough attention to
understand I was going. She didn't try to stop me, of course. Why would she?
"All she said was, 'Make sure you take a bath in the morning and wash away all the germs you'll get on you sleeping in someone else's sheets. Wear as much as you can to sleep, too,' she advised.
"I promised I would and a little while later, Daddy arrived to pick me up. Shortly afterward, we were on our way. It was the first time we ever went anywhere alone overnight. I was naturally nervous and excited.
"'I have a surprise for you,' he said after I got into the car. 'Check the backseat.'
"I saw three boxes from a department store.
"'What is it, Daddy?'
"'Look for yourself,' he said with a laugh and I reached over the seat and brought the, boxes forward into my lap. First, there was a small box full of cosmetics: lipstick, eye shadow and makeup. Then he had bought me more clothes, clothes my mother would surely forbid. There was a soft pink cotton sweater, a pair of black Capri pants and black squaretoe flats.
"'Oh Daddy,' I said. 'Where can I wear this? Not to school, you know. Mother would be furious.'
" `No, it's just for today and tonight. We'll keep it all beside your dress in my car trunk for another time. I know what your mother would say, too,' he added, raising his eyebrows. 'But she's just out of touch with things today.' He smiled at me and then leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. 'Go on,' he said, 'climb into the back and put it on.'
" 'Now?'
"'Sure. Let's arrive in Santa Barbara in style,' he said, laughing.
"I was so excited about it, I did what he suggested. The sweater was a lot tighter than I would have liked and it had a deep, V-neck collar. There was no hiding my bosom in this, I thought, and the pants were tight, too.
"'I don't really know how to put on makeup, Daddy,' I said, but I put on the lipstick anyway.
"'That's okay,' he said. 'I wanted you to have it. I want you to have self-confidence, Cathy. Your mother has gone about all this in the wrong way. But we're fixing things,' he added, 'right?'
"I was so thrilled with what was happening, I agreed quickly. When we stopped at a gas station, I hopped out and went to the bathroom to look at myself. I couldn't believe the change. It
actually frightened me. Was this really me?
"Daddy looked so pleased. The gas attendant was staring at me hard when I returned to the car.
"'See that,' Daddy said. 'See the way that young man was ogling you? You are attractive, Cathy. Never think you're not,' he said.
"How good that made me feel. I felt like hugging him and thanking him. He cared about me. Nothing else seemed to matter for the moment, nothing."
I glanced at Doctor Marlowe. She looked displeased. I could hear her coaching me: Stop trying to explain yourself. Stop trying to find excuses. It wasn't your fault.
Nevertheless, I thought, Mother was right. How could it not have been some of my fault? I still believed that, even now, even as I told the story of what happened that night.
"A little while later, we pulled into the motel. It was right near the ocean.
" 'Where are you meeting your client, Daddy?' I asked him "'I'll call from our room,' he said, 'and see what he wants me to do.'
"The room he got for us wasn't a suite. It was just a room with a king-size bed.
"He saw the surprise in my face when we entered together.
"'This is the room with the best view,' he said. 'The bed's big enough, right?'
" 'I guess so,' I said hesitantly.
"Never before in my life had I ever slept in a bed with anyone, not even as a child. My mother always made it clear to me that I couldn't come crawling into her bed or my father's. If I was afraid or just needed to be held, I had to smother those feelings.
"Daddy called his client and left me at the motel while he went to see him. There was access to the beach behind the complex and I took off my shoes and walked barefoot in the water as the tide washed ashore. I kept thinking how Mother would complain that I would track in sand or catch some disease on my feet. It made me laugh and I was suddenly filled with this great sense of freedom. It was as if Daddy had snuck me out of the castle, out from behind the high walls and chains of rules. Here I could soar, laugh, splash and be devil-may-care.
"It was a beautiful afternoon, with just a few wispy clouds across the horizon. I threw myself on the beach and stared up at the blue sky, dreaming of floating up into it. The sand was so warm and cozy. I must have fallen asleep for a while because suddenly I heard Daddy's laugh.