He hasn't had anything to eat since this morning. Sandwiches arrived from outside, strange granular bread, the butter on it liquid, some sort of beige meat paste that hinted of ptomaine. Also a piece of pale sweaty cheese in plastic wrap. He ate this cheese and the sandwich, and now his hands smell of old picnics, the roadside lunches of wartime.
The last drink of water was doled out four hours ago. He has a roll of peppermint Life Savers: he always takes them on trips, in case of bumpy rides. He gave one to the middle-aged woman in oversized glasses and a plaid pant suit who was sitting beside him. He is somewhat relieved she's gone: her voiceless, colorless weeping, snuffly and monotonous, was beginning to get to him. The women and the children have all been allowed off, but he is not a woman or a child. Everyone left on the plane is a man.
They have been spaced, two by two, with an empty seat between each pair. Their passports have been collected. Those who have done the collecting are standing at intervals in the aisles of the plane, six of them, three with small machine guns, three with visible grenades. They are all wearing airplane pillowcases over their heads, with holes cut for the eyes and for the mouths, which show in the dim light as white glints, pink glistenings. Below these pillowcases, which are red, their clothes are ordinary: a leisure outfit, a pair of gray flannel slacks with a white shirt tucked in, the bottom of a conservative navy-blue suit.
Naturally they came on board in the guise of passengers, though how they got the weapons past Security is anyone's guess. They must have had help, someone at the airport, so that they could jump up, the way they did, somewhere over the English Channel, and start shouting orders and waving around the firearms. Either that or the things were already on the plane, in pre-arranged hiding places, because nothing metal gets through the X-rays these days.
There are two or possibly three other men up in the cockpit, negotiating with the control tower over the radio. They haven't yet told the passengers who they are or what they want; all they've said, in heavily accented but understandable English, is that everyone on the plane will live together or else die together. The rest has been monosyllables and pointing: You, here. It's hard to tell how many of them there are altogether, because of the identical pillowcases. They're like those characters in old comic books, the ones with two identities. These men have been caught halfway through their transformation: ordinary bodies but with powerful, supernatural heads, deformed in the direction of heroism, or villainy.
I don't know whether or not this is what my brother thought. But it's what I think for him, now.
Unlike the open-mouthed man beside him, my brother can't sleep. So he occupies himself with theoretical stratagems: what would he do if he were in their place, the place of the men with pillowcase heads? It's their tension, their hair-trigger excitement and blocked adrenaline that fills the plane, despite the lax bodies of the passengers, their fatigue and resignation.
If he were them, he would of course be ready to die. Without that as a given, such an operation would be pointless and unthinkable. But die for what? There's probably a religious motif, though in the foreground something more immediate: money, the release of others jailed in some sinkhole for doing more or less the same thing these men are doing. Blowing something up, or threatening to. Or shooting someone.
In a way this is all familiar. It's as if he's lived through it before, a long time ago; and despite the unpleasantness, the irritation of it, the combination of boredom and fear, he has a certain fellow feeling. He hopes these men can keep their heads and carry it off, whatever it is. He hopes there will be no sniveling and pants wetting among the passengers, that no one will go berserk and start screaming, and trigger a jittery massacre. A cool hand and a steady eye is what he wishes for them.
A man has entered from the front of the plane and is talking with two of the others. It seems to be an argument: there are gestures of the hands, a raised word. The other standing men tense, their square red heads scanning the passengers like odd radars. My brother knows he should avoid eye contact, keep his head down. He looks at the nylon webbing pocket in front of him, furtively peels off a Life Saver.
The new man starts to walk down the aisle of the plane, his oblong, three-holed head turning from side to side. A second man walks behind him. Eerily, the taped music comes on over the intercom, saccharine, soporific. The man pauses; his oversized head moves ponderously left, like the head of some shortsighted, dull-witted monster. He extends an arm, gestures with the hand: Up. It's my brother he points to.
Here I stop inventing. I've spoken with the witnesses, the survivors, so I know that my brother stands up, eases himself past the man in the aisle seat, saying, "Excuse me." The expression on his face is one of bemused curiosity: these people are unfathomable, but then so are most. Perhaps they have mistaken him for someone else. Or they may want him to help negotiate, because they're walking toward the front of the plane, where another pillowhead stands waiting.
It's this one who swings open the door for him, like a polite hotel doorman, letting in the full glare of day. After the semidarkness it's ferociously bright, and my brother stands blinking as the image clears to sand and sea, a happy vacation postcard. Then he is falling, faster than the speed of light.
This is how my brother enters the past.
I was on planes and in airports for fifteen hours, getting there. I saw the buildings after that, the sea, the stretch of runway; the plane itself was gone. All they got in the end was safe conduct.
I didn't want to identify the body, or see it at all. If you don't see the body, it's easier to believe nobody's dead. But I did want to know whether they shot him before throwing him out, or after. I wanted it to be after, so he could have had that brief moment of escape, of sunlight, of pretended flight.
I did not stay up at night, on that trip. I did not want to look at the stars.
The body has its own defenses, its way of blocking things out. The government people said I was wonderful, by which they meant not a nuisance. I didn't collapse or make a spectacle of myself; I spoke with reporters, signed the forms, made the decisions. There was a great deal I didn't see or think about until much later.
What I thought about then was the space twin, the one who went on an interplanetary journey and returned in a week to find his brother ten years older.
Now I will get older, I thought. And he will not.
69
My parents never understood Stephen's death, because it had no reason; or no reason that had anything to do with him. Nor did they get over it. Before it, they were active, alert, vigorous; after it they faded.
"It doesn't matter how old they are," my mother said. "They're always your children." She tells me this as something I will need to know, later on.
My father became shorter and thinner, visibly shriveled; he sat for long periods, without doing anything. Unlike himself. This is what my mother told me, over the telephone, long distance.
Sons should not die before their fathers. It's not natural, it's the wrong order. Because who will carry on?
My parents themselves died in the usual way, of the things elderly people die of, that I myself will die of sooner than I think: my father instantly, my mother a year later, of a slower and more painful disease. "It's a good thing your father went the way he did," she said. "He would have hated this." She didn't say anything about hating it herself.
The girls came for a week, early on, at the end of summer, when my mother was still in her house in the Soo and we could all pretend this was just another visit. I stayed on after them, digging weeds out of the garden, helping with the dishes because my mother had never got a dishwasher, doing the laundry downstairs in the automatic washer but hanging it out on the line because she thought driers used up too much electricity. Greasing the muffin tins. Impersonating a child.
My mother is tired, but restless. She won't take naps in the afternoon, insists on walking to the corner store. "I can manage," she says. She doesn't want me to cook for her. "You'll neve
r find anything in this kitchen," she says, meaning she thinks she'll never find anything herself if I start messing around in there. I smuggle frozen TV dinners into the refrigerator and con her into eating them by saying they'll go to waste if she doesn't. Waste is still a bugaboo for her. I take her to a movie, checking it first for violence, sex and death, and to a Chinese restaurant. In the north, in the old days, the Chinese restaurants were the only ones that could be depended on. The others went in for white bread and gravy mix sandwiches, lukewarm baked beans, pies made from cardboard and glue.
She is on painkillers, then stronger painkillers. She lies down more. "I'm glad I don't have to have an operation, in a hospital," she says. "The only time I was ever in a hospital was with you kids. With Stephen they gave me ether. I went out like a light, and when I woke up, there he was."
A lot of what she says is about Stephen. "Remember those smells he used to make, with that chemistry set of his? That was the day I was having a bridge party! We had to open the doors, and it was the middle of winter." Or else: "Remember all those comic books he had stowed away under his bed? There were too many to save. I chucked them out, after he went away. I didn't think there was any use for them. But people collect them, I read about it; now they'd be worth a fortune. We always thought they were just trash." She tells this like a joke on herself.
When she talks about Stephen, he is never more than twelve years old. After that he got beyond her. I come to realize that she was, or is, in awe of him, slightly afraid of him. She didn't intend to give birth to such a person.
"Those girls gave you a bad time," she says one day. I've made both of us a cup of tea--she's permitted this--and we sit at the kitchen table, drinking it. She's still surprised to catch me drinking tea, and has asked several times whether I wouldn't prefer milk.
"What girls?" I say. My fingers are a wreck; I shred them quietly, out of sight beneath the tabletop, as I do in times of stress; an old bad habit I cannot seem to break.
"Those girls. Cordelia and Grace, and the other one. Carol Campbell." She looks at me, a little slyly, as if testing.
"Carol?" I say. I remember a stubby girl, turning a skipping rope.
"Of course, Cordelia was your best friend, in high school," she says. "I never thought she was behind it. It was that Grace, not Cordelia. Grace put her up to it, I always thought. What became of her?"
"I have no idea," I say. I don't want to talk about Cordelia. I still feel guilty, about walking away from her and not helping.
"I didn't know what to do," she says. "They came to me that day and said you'd been kept in at school, for being rude to the teacher. It was that Carol who said it. I didn't think they were telling the truth." She avoids the word lie, if possible.
"What day?" I say carefully. I don't know what day she means. She's begun to get things mixed up, because of the drugs.
"That day you almost froze. If I'd believed them I wouldn't have gone to look for you. I went down the road, along by the cemetery, but you weren't there." She regards me anxiously, as if wondering what I will say.
"Oh yes," I say, pretending I know what she's talking about. I don't want to confuse her. But I am growing confused myself. My memory is tremulous, like water breathed on. For an instant I see Cordelia and Grace, and Carol, walking toward me through the astonishing whiteness of the snow, their faces in shadow.
"I was so worried," she says. What she wants from me is forgiveness, but for what?
On some days she is stronger, and gives the illusion of improvement. Today she wants me to help her sort through the things in the cellar. "So you won't have to go through a lot of that old junk, later on," she says delicately. She won't say death; she wants to spare my feelings.
I don't like cellars. This one is unfinished: gray cement, rafters above. I make sure the upstairs door is left open. "You should have a railing put on these stairs," I say. They are narrow, undependable.
"I can manage," says my mother. From the days when managing was enough.
We sort through the old magazines, the stash of different-sized cardboard boxes, the shelves of clean jars. She threw out a lot less than she could have, when they moved; or else she's accumulated more. I carry things up the stairs and stow them in the garage. In there they seem disposed of.
There's a whole shelf of my father's shoes and boots, lined-up pairs: city shoes with perforated toecaps, overshoes, rubber boots, wading boots for fishing, heavy-soled boots for walking in the woods, with a bacon grease patina and leather laces. Some of them must be fifty years old, or more. My mother will not throw them out, I know; but neither does she mention them. I can sense what she expects of me, in the way of control. I did my mourning at the funeral. She doesn't need to deal with a tearful child, not now.
I remember the old Zoology Building where we used to go on Saturdays, the creaking, overheated corridors, the bottles of eyeballs, the comforting smells of formaldehyde and mice. I remember sitting at the dinner table, with Cordelia, his warnings washing over our heads, the ruined water, the poisoned trees, species after species snuffed out like stepped-on ants. We did not think such things were prophecies. We thought they were boring then, a form of adult gossip that did not concern us. Now it's all come true, except worse. I live in his nightmare, no less real for being invisible. You can still breathe the air, but for how long?
Against his bleak forecasting is set my mother's cheerfulness, in retrospect profoundly willed.
We start on the steamer trunk. It's the one I remember from our Toronto house; I still think of it as mysterious, the repository of treasure. My mother too views this as an adventure: she says she hasn't looked into that trunk for years, she has no idea what's in there. She is no less alive because dying.
I open the trunk, and the smell of mothballs blossoms upward. Out come the baby clothes folded in tissue paper, the pieces of flowery silver, yellowy-black. "Keep these for the girls," she says. "You have this one." The wedding dress, the wedding pictures, the sepia-colored relatives. A packet of feathers. Some bridge tallies with tassels on them, two pairs of white kid gloves. "Your father was a wonderful dancer," she says. "Before we were married." I have never known this.
We go down through the layers, unearthing discoveries: my high school pictures, my lipsticked mouth unsmiling, somebody's hair in an envelope, a single knitted baby sock. Old mittens, old neckties. An apron. Some things are to be kept, others thrown out or given away. Some things I will take back with me. We have several piles.
My mother is excited, and I catch some of this excitment from her: it's like a Christmas stocking. Although not pure joy.
Stephen's packets of airplane trading cards, held together with rotting elastic bands. His scrapbooks, his drawings of explosions, his old report cards. These she sets aside.
My own drawings and scrapbooks. There are the pictures of little girls I now remember, with their puffed sleeves and pink skirts and hairbows. Then, in the scrapbooks, some unfamiliar pictures cut from magazines: women's bodies, in clothes of the forties, with other women's heads glued onto them. This is a Watchbird watching YOU.
"You loved those magazines," says my mother. "You used to pore over them for hours, when you were sick in bed."
Underneath the scrapbooks is my old photo album, the black pages held together with the tie like a shoelace. Now I can remember putting it into the trunk, before I went to high school.
"We gave you that," says my mother. "For Christmas, to go with your camera." Inside is my brother, poised with a snowball, and Grace Smeath crowned with flowers. A couple of large boulders, with names printed underneath them in white pencil. Myself, in a jacket with the sleeves too short, standing against a motel cabin door. The number 9.
"I wonder what happened to that camera?" says my mother. "I must've given it away. You lost interest in it, after a while."
I'm aware of a barrier between us. It's been there for a long time. Something I have resented. I want to put my arms around her. But I am held back.
/> "What's that?" she says.
"My old purse," I say. "I used to take it to church." I did. I can see the church now, the onion on the spire, the pews, the stained-glass windows. THE * KINGDOM * OF * GOD * IS * WITHIN * YOU.
"Well, what do you know. I don't know why I saved that," says my mother, with a little laugh. "Put it on the throw-out pile." It's squashed flat; the red plastic is split at the sides, where the sewing is. I pick it up, push at it to make it go back into shape. Something rattles. I open it up and take out my blue cat's eye.
"A marble!" says my mother, with a child's delight. "Remember all those marbles Stephen used to collect?"
"Yes," I say. But this one was mine.
I look into it, and see my life entire.
70
Down this street is where the store was. We bought red licorice whips, bubble gum, orange Popsicles, black jawbreakers that faded to a seed. Things you could buy for a penny, with the King's head on it. Georgius VI Dei Gratia.
I've never got used to the Queen being grown up. Whenever I see her cut-off head on the money, I think of her as fourteen years old, in her Girl Guide uniform, her back as straight as ours were supposed to be, looking down at me from the yellowing newspaper clippings on Miss Lumley's Grade Four blackboard; standing in front of the clumsy diamond of a radio microphone, frowning with earnestness and well-concealed fear, rallying the forces as the bombs fell on London, as we sang "There'll Always Be an England" to the waving of Miss Lumley's life-threatening wooden pointer, in a time warp eight years later.
The Queen has had grandchildren since, discarded thousands of hats, grown a bosom and (heresy to think it) the beginning of a double chin. None of this fools me. She's in there somewhere, that other one.
I walk the next blocks, turn the corner, expecting to see the familiar dingy oblong of the school, in weathered red brick the color of dried liver. The cindered schoolyard, the tall thin windows with orange paper pumpkins and black cats stuck onto them for Halloween, the graven lettering over the doors, BOYS and GIRLS, like the inscriptions on mausoleums of the late nineteenth century.