Chapter 20
"What are you going to wear?" someone asked Alice, but the girl just stared into space. Giggles broke out around her. Alice stood and walked away. Before Cassie could go after her, Brianna asked her the same thing, "What about you, Cassie? What are you going to wear tonight?"
They'd been talking about it when she walked into the room. Cassie sat on one of the couches acting like she was excited about the idea of Pairing up with one of the guys. There had been only one other time she had to be so deceitful and that was on Deliverance Day.
Smiling, Cassie shrugged, "Oh, I don't know. What do you think I should wear?"
Brianna lit up, and bounded over to Cassie. "There is this lace dress in the wardrobe. I tried to take it once for a dinner party, but Miriam said it was only to be worn during the Pairing. "
Cassie nodded, bobbing her head like it was a good idea, "That sounds pretty. " She glanced out the window, but the other girls' giggles pulled her attention back to the room.
"It's not pretty, Cassie. It's sexy. The dress covers you, neck to ankles, but what makes it sexy is the key. " Brianna was smiling so hard. Cassie wondered how she could be excited about something that would kill her. Pairings led to babies, and childbirth wasn't something that was survivable. Not for them. Not for Brianna, who bruised so easily. Cassie didn't understand the girl's excitement. Wanting to get called for a Pairing was a death wish. The other girls giggled. "Wait here," Brianna said, patting Cassie's knee. "I'll go get it. Miriam already pulled it out. "
While Brianna grabbed the gown out of her room, Cassie smiled at the others. "Exciting, isn't it?"
They all nodded, but it didn't seem like any of them were as happy about the Pairing as Brianna. Cassie felt bad for them. Even if Cole managed to get her out, the others would be left behind. Brianna came back into the room with a length of black lace draped over her arm. Grinning, she held it up for Cassie to see.
The gown was Cassie's size, and Brianna was right, it wouldn't have worked for a regular dinner. As Brianna held the gown up, everyone could see why. The light shined through the lace. There was nothing under it, no lining to conceal anything. Brianna grinned devilishly and handed the dress to Cassie. "See, I told you it was sexy. It'll make you feel pretty, and Brent will be able to see all of you straight through it. "
The girls began to giggle and squeal. Cassie tried to keep her plastic smile on her face. She held the dress in her hands and looked down at it. The lace was beautiful and delicate, and completely see-through. Her stomach turned to acid as she held it, thinking of what would happen to her if Cole didn't find a way out.
"Someone go grab, Alice. " Brianna said, irritated. "We need to talk about the best ways to do this. It's supposed to be fun. "
"I'll get her," Cassie offered, as she stood and walked away, leaving the dress behind. Wandering into the hallway, Cassie looked up and down the corridor, but Alice wasn't in sight. Cassie picked a direction, her stomach twisting into tight knots. Before she realized it, Cassie had her arms folded tightly across her chest and was scowling at no one. Stopping in front of a window, she looked outside. The world was white. The wind was whipping the dry snow into the air, blinding the guards below to anything not directly in front of them, but they still paced the perimeter, looking, watching, and waiting.
"Cassie," Cole said, walking up next to her.
Cassie didn't look at him. Instead, her gaze remained on the guard below, "There are more than there were earlier. "
"I know," Cole said softly. He took her by the elbow and turned Cassie toward him.
When she looked at him, Cassie saw so many things, but the most glaring was hope. The emotion danced in his eyes, making it difficult to look at him. How Cole could have hope now was beyond her. "This isn't the same as before, you know. There were a handful of vamps we had to get past that day. It's not the same this time. "
"No," Cole said somberly, "it's not. There's more at risk, too. Cassie, I'd planned to do this if you were selected for the Purging. I had it all worked out, but I didn't plan for this. " He pressed his lips together and stepped toward the large window. Looking out to the grounds below, he said, "It's worse than last time. You're right. But that means it's even more important to leave. "
Cassie pressed her fingers into the crook of Cole's arm and pulled him around. She'd been thinking about it all morning. "You should go without me. " When he opened his mouth to protest, Cassie cut him off. "No, listen. I'm a liability. I'll slow you down. You're stronger than me, less anemic. " Cole was about to hush her. She could tell he wasn't even listening. Straightening her spine, she yelled in his face, "The vamps already know how strong you are, that you're not like the rest of us! Don't tell me to shut up, because I won't! Damn it, Cole! Listen to me! You might be able to pull this off twice, but I was lucky to live through it once. " She drew in a deep breath, and her voice softened. "I can't run again. I won't survive. "
"Cassie, don't say that. You're as strong as you think you are. " He sounded desperate. Cole gripped her elbows, trying to talk sense into her, but Cassie pulled away.
"I'm safe here, Cole. I might not like the things they make me do, but I've done them before. I survived then. I can survive now. " Cassie's face took on a vacant expression, like she was remembering something painful, something she wanted to forget. She stepped back to the window and gazed through the panes.
Cole followed her to the window, watching Cassie as she stared through the glass. "You never told me what happened exactly. "
She shrugged, "There was nothing to tell. The King did forbidden things with me, with my other roommates. He was probably trying to pull that crap on Kahli when he called her. I survived that. I can survive, Brent. " Her arms wrapped around her middle when she spoke. It was impossible not to notice the chill that covered her skin, like she was doused with a bucket of fear. Cassie rubbed her arms, trying to push away the memory of the King's hands on her. Brent would be nothing compared to that nightmare.
"I didn't know," Cole breathed behind her. For once, he didn't touch her. He tripped over his words, making a few false starts before saying, "I'm sorry, Cass. "
She turned toward him, a sad smile on her face. "It wasn't your fault. It's life. And it's a good life - the best we could hope for. " That was the truth. Those thoughts had been floating through her mind all day. This was better than the alternative. Cassie was weak, she couldn't survive another escape, another trek through the frozen hills. She only held Cole back, and slowing him down when this was going on would be fatal. Cassie didn't want to be the one who got him killed. Staring at Cole, she said softly, "I'm not going with you. "
Cole's jaw dropped. "You can't mean that. Cassie, don't do this. "
She felt so hollow, so lost. If there was another option, Cassie would take it, but there wasn't. She couldn't risk Cole's life this time. She wasn't a child anymore. She couldn't let him do it. Lying to Cole was the only way to get him to go without her. She forced a smile and pressed her lips together, "I was talking to the other girls and they're really excited about tonight, and so am I. I mean, I wouldn't have picked Brent, but he's better than some of the others. "
"Cassie," he murmured, shocked. Cole's eyes grew wide. "You don't know what you're saying. "
"You forget, Cole, I do. I know exactly what I'm saying. I know exactly what will happen. I'm going to my Pairing. I'm cooperating. I'll go back to my bed tonight with a smile on my face, and if I'm lucky, I'll have a baby in me, too. You know how the Queen treats the women who are with child. " She smiled broadly, wistfully, "That'll be me. Be excited for me, Cole. I want this. I've been thinking about it. This is so much better than the alternative. " While Cassie spoke, she smiled at him even though her stomach was twisting tightly.
"This isn't a choice. How can you act like it is?" The muscles in Cole's neck were corded tight. He had trouble keeping his voice even. He looked at his hands like he didn't know what to do with them.
"Everything we do is by choice
, even here. How can you act like it isn't a good choice for me? Yes, I might die in nine months when the baby is born, but that's better than my odds tonight if I go with you. Cole, this is the best I can hope for. It's the best decision for me. " Cole stared at Cassie, his eyes pleading with her, but she wouldn't change her mind. Cole needed to go on without her. Cassie was weak. She knew she'd only hold him back. Pretending to be excited about the Pairing, lying and saying she changed her mind, had to convince him to go on without her.
Before Cole had a chance to say anything else, Brianna popped her head out of the doorway and hurried into the hall. Cole stepped back and tried to hide the emotion in his eyes. "You forgot your negligee, Cassie. " Brianna walked toward them quickly, holding out the black lace. "Hey, Cole. Too bad your girl ran off. Guess you won't be having any fun tonight. "
Through gritted teeth, he muttered, "Guess not. "
Brianna looked at Cassie and said, "Find Alice and get back. You're missing everything. " Brianna's eyes slid over Cole's body once, before returning to his face, "We're talking positions. Tell the guys they better be ready. " She winked at him, and turned on her heel, heading back into the room.