CHAPTER viii. -- AN EMBARRASSMENT.
The day passed on without any intelligence; the next day, also, passedin the same manner, and on the third, which was her birthday, Ceciliabecame of age.
The preparations which had long been making among her tenants tocelebrate this event, Cecilia appeared to take some share, andendeavoured to find some pleasure in. She gave a public dinner to allwho were willing to partake of it, she promised redress to those whocomplained of hard usage, she pardoned many debts, and distributedmoney, food, and clothing to the poor. These benevolent occupations madetime seem less heavy, and while they freed her from solitude, divertedher suspense. She still, however, continued at the house of MrsCharlton, the workmen having disappointed her in finishing her own.
But, in defiance of her utmost exertion, towards the evening of thisday the uneasiness of her uncertainty grew almost intolerable. The nextmorning she had promised Delvile to set out for London, and he expectedthe morning after to claim her for his wife; yet Mr Monckton neithersent nor came, and she knew not if her letter was delivered, or if stillhe was unprepared for the disappointment by which he was awaited. Asecret regret for the unhappiness she must occasion him, which silentlyyet powerfully reproached her, stole fast upon her mind, and poisonedits tranquility; for though her opinion was invariable in holding hisproposal to be wrong, she thought too highly of his character to believehe would have made it but from a mistaken notion it was right. Shepainted him, therefore, to herself, as glowing with indignation,accusing her of inconsistency, and perhaps suspecting her of coquetry,and imputing her change of conduct to motives the most trifling andnarrow, till with resentment and disdain, he drove her wholly from histhoughts.
In a few minutes, however, the picture was reversed; Delvile no moreappeared storming nor unreasonable; his face wore an aspect of sorrow,and his brow was clouded with disappointment; he forbore to reproachher, but the look which her imagination delineated was more piercingthan words of severest import.
These images pursued and tormented her, drew tears from her eyes,and loaded her heart with anguish. Yet, when she recollected that herconduct had had in view an higher motive than pleasing Delvile, she feltthat it ought to offer her an higher satisfaction; she tried, therefore,to revive her spirits, by reflecting upon her integrity, and refused allindulgence to this enervating sadness, beyond what the weakness of humannature demands, as some relief to its sufferings upon every fresh attackof misery.
A conduct such as this was the best antidote against affliction, whosearrows are never with so little difficulty repelled, as when theylight upon a conscience which no self-reproach has laid bare to theirmalignancy.
Before six o'clock the next morning, her maid came to her bedsidewith the following letter, which she told; her had been brought by anexpress.
To Miss Beverley.
May this letter, with one only from Delvile Castle, be the last thatMiss Beverley may ever receive!
Yet sweet to me as is that hope, I write in the utmost uneasiness; Ihave just heard that a gentleman, whom, by the description that is givenof him, I imagine is Mr Monckton, has been in search of me with a letterwhich he was anxious to deliver immediately.
Perhaps this letter is from Miss Beverley, perhaps it containsdirections which ought instantly to be followed; could I divinewhat they are, with what eagerness would I study to anticipate theirexecution! It will not, I hope, be too late to receive them on Saturday,when her power over my actions will be confirmed, and when every wishshe will communicate, shall be gratefully, joyfully, and with delightfulfilled.
I have sought Belfield in vain; he has left Lord Vannelt, and no oneknows whither he is gone. I have been obliged, therefore, to trust astranger to draw up the bond; but he is a man of good character, and thetime of secrecy will be too short to put his discretion in much danger.To-morrow, Friday, I shall spend solely in endeavouring to discover. MrMonckton; I have leisure sufficient for the search, since so prosperoushas been my diligence, that every thing is prepared!
I have seen some lodgings in Pall-Mall, which I think are commodious andwill suit you; send a servant, therefore, before you to secure them. Ifupon your arrival I should venture to meet you there, be not, I beseechyou, offended or alarmed; I shall take every possible precaution neitherto be known nor seen, and I will stay with you only three minutes. Themessenger who carries this is ignorant from whom it comes, for I fearhis repeating my name among your servants, and he could scarce returnto me with an answer before you will yourself be in town. Yes, loveliestCecilia! at the very moment you receive this letter, the chaise will, Iflatter myself, be at the door, which is to bring to me a treasure thatwill enrich every future hour of my life! And oh as to me it will beexhaustless, may but its sweet dispenser experience some share of thehappiness she bestows, and then what, save her own purity, will be soperfect, so unsullied, as the felicity of her! M.D.
The perturbation of Cecilia upon reading this letter was unspeakable; MrMonckton, she found, had been wholly unsuccessful, all her heroism hadanswered no purpose, and the transaction was as backward as before shehad exerted it.
She was, now, therefore, called upon to think and act entirely forherself. Her opinion was still the same, nor did her resolution waver,yet how to put it in execution she could not discern. To write to himwas impossible, since she was ignorant where he was to be found; todisappoint him at the last moment she could not resolve, since such aconduct appeared to her unfeeling and unjustifiable; for a few instantsshe thought of having him waited for at night in London, with a letter;but the danger of entrusting any one with such a commission, and theuncertainty of finding him, should he disguise himself, made the successof this scheme too precarious for trial.
One expedient alone occurred to her, which, though she felt to behazardous, she believed was without an alternative; this was no otherthan hastening to London herself, consenting to the interview he hadproposed in Pall-Mall, and then, by strongly stating her objections,and confessing the grief they occasioned her, to pique at once hisgenerosity and his pride upon releasing her himself from the engagementinto which he had entered.
She had no time to deliberate; her plan, therefore, was decided almostas soon as formed, and every moment being precious, she was obligedto awaken Mrs Charlton, and communicate to her at once the letter fromDelvile, and the new resolution she had taken.
Mrs Charlton, having no object in view but the happiness of her youngfriend, with a facility that looked not for objections, and scarce sawthem when presented, agreed to the expedition, and kindly consented toaccompany her to London; for Cecilia, however concerned to hurryand fatigue her, was too anxious for the sanction of her presence tohesitate in soliciting it.
A chaise, therefore, was ordered; and with posthorses for speed, and twoservants on horseback, the moment Mrs Charlton was ready, they set outon their journey.
Scarce had they proceeded two miles on their way, when they were met byMr Monckton, who was hastening to their house.
Amazed and alarmed at a sight so unexpected, he stopt the chaise toenquire whither they were going.
Cecilia, without answering, asked if her letter had yet been received?
"I could not," said Mr Monckton, "deliver it to a man who was not to befound; I was at this moment coming to acquaint how vainly I had soughthim; but still that your journey is unnecessary unless voluntary, sinceI have left it at the house where you told me you should meet to-morrowmorning, and where he must then unavoidably receive it."
"Indeed, Sir," cried Cecilia, "to-morrow morning will be too late,--inconscience, in justice, and even in decency too late! I must, therefore,go to town; yet I go not, believe me, in opposition to your injunctions,but to enable myself, without treachery or dishonour, to fulfil them."
Mr Monckton, aghast and confounded, made not any answer, till Ceciliagave orders to the postilion to drive on; he then hastily called to stophim, and began the warmest expostulations; but Cecilia, firm when shebelieved herself right, though wavering
when fearful she was wrong, toldhim it was now too late to change her plan, and repeating her ordersto the postilion, left him to his own reflections; grieved herself toreject his counsel, yet too intently occupied by her own affairs anddesigns, to think long of any other.