I cleared my throat awkwardly, and told her, “I’m not sure how I’ll ever be able to thank them for all of this. I feel like it’s too much. I don’t deserve this type of kindness from any of them.”
Her hold on my arm tightened and she pulled me around so that I was facing her. Her eyes, the ones where the green and gold in mine came from, locked intently on my face. “They didn’t do it because they wanted your gratitude or because they gave a single thought to whether or not you are worthy of an act of compassion and caring. They did it because, to them, it was the right thing to do. Your father has stepped in and helped out so many of their young men when they needed some guidance. To those girls this was simply what had to be done.” She grinned at me again. “To be fair, they would probably do the same thing for anyone in a dire situation, but the fact that you’re Brite’s daughter definitely doesn’t hurt matters.” Her dark eyebrows shot up and the softness on her face faded back to curiosity. “So, the lawyer?”
She shifted gears, but I was stuck on the fact that I had all this stuff and that I wouldn’t have to go without, or struggle to replace the bare necessities, all because a group of women that I hardly knew, that owed me nothing, thought it was the right thing to do. I wondered what that felt like. I wondered if knowing what was right felt as warm and as bright as being on the receiving end of that kind of positive action. I was warm, from my head to my toes, and my heart felt so full that it was a miracle it didn’t burst right out of my chest. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to deserve something this good. I wanted to be the kind of person that not only knew what the right thing was without thinking about it, but could also do the right thing, so that I could make someone else feel as appreciated and valued as I did in this moment.
“The lawyer is bound to be another in a long line of mistakes, but until we go down in flames, he makes me feel safe and he makes me think. I don’t do enough of that usually, and considering the recent circumstances, thinking is a good thing.” I reached up and patted her hand where it was still clutching my arm. “He also knows exactly how screwed up I am and what kind of havoc I can wreak, so I don’t feel like I have to warn him or protect him from the inevitable fallout. He’s not about to let me ruin the sweet gig he has going on.” And maybe that was why I liked him so much. I knew deep down inside that eventually this thing I had going on with Quaid was going to lead to total devastation, but at the end, he would still be standing strong, indestructible, and untouched by the damage I typically caused. To me, the man seemed stormproof, which meant he could survive me, the typhoon of tragedy I was inevitably going to rain down on us.
My mom sighed and let go of me but only so she could reach up and brush the back of her fingers across my cheek. “Oh, Avett. You have no idea how much you remind me of myself when I was your age.”
I couldn’t hold back the ragged laugh that escaped my lungs at her words. I was here to make peace with her, to start and bridge the gap that had opened wide over my river of bad choices and faults over the years, but her words stung. If we were so alike, how was it so easy for her to desert me when what I needed was for her to pull me closer and not let go? “Oh, really? Did you alienate everyone that loved you, too? Did you constantly disappoint your mother to the point she could barely stand to be in the same room as you? Did you screw up over and over again, fuck up so many times and so many different things that it seems like all you will ever be is someone else’s worst choice?”
I took a step away from her and went to walk around her so that we didn’t have to continue the conversation, but I should have known I couldn’t throw down the gauntlet and walk away.
She moved around me, and while I got my small stature from her, she was still taller than me and it was obvious from the look on her face that she wasn’t about to let me go anywhere. I was tempted to call for my dad, who was on the phone with the insurance company in the office at the front of her house so he could derail this long-coming showdown, but the time had come to own up to all of my sins. Especially the ones that had caused the most damage to the people I cared about most. I wanted to set things right with my mom. I wanted her to know that I was sorry for everything, but I was most sorry for the damage I had done to the relationship between her and my dad. I loved them both, and yet, I had made them both miserable in my quest for self-recrimination.
“Avett,” she sighed, and I could literally feel the weight of it as it echoed on the walls around us. “I always wanted you here, but you wanted to be with your father, and considering the way things ended between him and me, well, we both felt like he deserved to have you so much more than I did. Was there tension between us because of the way you suddenly started acting out? Yes, but that wasn’t anything we wouldn’t have been able to work out if I hadn’t screwed up, if I had been a stronger woman and a better wife. Because yes, I disappointed both my parents, not just my mother, and yes, I’ve often wondered if I was the worst choice your father could’ve made.”
I blinked at her like I had never seen her before and frowned so fiercely it actually hurt my forehead. “What are you talking about, Mom? Things were always fine, great, in fact. We were a picture perfect, happy family, until we weren’t.” And when they went south it was right around the time I realized exactly how dangerous and life changing doing nothing could be. I took my antics and my acting out to another level as I ran after some kind of celestial payback to make up for what had happened to Autumn.
“We worked really hard to make you believe things were fine, honey. That’s what parents who love their children do, even when they are struggling themselves. It got harder and harder to keep our issues from you the older you got. We never saw eye to eye on the best way to handle you, and you and your dad were so close.” She made a noise in her throat and shook her head at me. “Your dad was married when we met. I didn’t care, but my parents sure did. He was older than me by quite a bit and hadn’t quite handled everything he brought back with him from his time overseas. He liked to drink a little too much, and the crowd he ran around with wasn’t exactly mom and dad approved. None of that mattered to me, because I was in love with him, instantly. I adored him. I was obsessed with him. I told myself it didn’t matter what obstacles stood in our way. We were meant to be together. I didn’t respect the life he already had or the woman that already loved him. I met him, decided I wanted him, and was determined to get my way, despite warnings from everyone that cared about me, telling me it was too much, too soon.”
None of that was a secret, but the way she spoke about it, the regret in her tone, that was new. She sounded exactly like I did after one of my terrible choices blew up in my face.
“I got pregnant with you before your dad’s divorce was final, and while I never had any doubts your dad loved both of us beyond measure, I never could quite get over the fact that I had taken him away from his first wife so easily, especially with everyone always reminding me he had no choice but to leave her once there was a baby. I lived every single day wondering if someone new was going to come along and lure him away from us, exactly as I had done. I wondered if he felt like he had to go. I was jealous. I was untrusting. I was possessive, and for a man like your dad, a man with honor and integrity running all the way down to his bones, it wore on him. He loved me, but after a while my insecurity on top of his own demons was too much for him to take. He started spending more and more time at the bar, and of course I convinced myself he was with other women. He cheated before me and then he cheated to be with me so why wouldn’t he cheat on me? At the time I didn’t recognize that the love he had for me was different than the love he had for the women that were in his life earlier. I didn’t realize having a family and someone he loved more than life to come home to every day had made your father a different man.”
I scowled even harder because I didn’t remember any kind of tension or strain between them. I couldn’t recall any fighting or disagreements. All I could remember was happiness and romance between the two of them. Thin
gs were sunshine and rainbows until I was sixteen and then things changed, but I was so caught up in how they changed for me, I never considered why and how things changed for my parents as well. Dad left and I went with him, convinced my mom was fed up with my harmful behaviors and fed up with me.
She held up her hand when I opened my mouth to interrupt her and I saw sadness and heart-wrenching grief fill her eyes. “I convinced myself he was seeing someone else, that he was doing what I accused him of. I never listened to him. I never gave him the benefit of the doubt. I let my own fears and everyone else’s poison infect me. What I did was something I had done my entire life, I acted without thinking and decided that if he was going to break my heart by being with someone else, then I was going to do the same thing to him.”
I gasped and actually stumbled back in shock. “Mom. You didn’t.” The words came out like they had been run across sandpaper.
Slowly she nodded; and self-loathing was stamped across her face. “I did and I felt disgusting and ashamed as soon as I realized what kind of damage I had done to my marriage and my family. I had a wonderful husband, a lively, independent daughter, and because of the nontraditional way our family came to be, I never felt worthy of them. I never felt like what we had was good enough to anyone else’s standards. I never wanted you to know, Avett. I wanted you to be proud of me, to aspire to be like me, and then I went and did the one thing I knew you and your father could never forgive. I never wanted you to think I was willing to risk you and your dad. I was so repulsed by what I had become I started pulling back from you when you really needed me the most. I could tell something was going on with you because of the way you were suddenly acting out and getting into trouble. I knew deep down inside it was because the stress between your father and me was no longer able to be contained and hidden away. I told your dad about my indiscretion immediately, and at first he agreed to try and work it out. But all the fears I had were amplified tenfold, because now, I had given him a legitimate reason to seek out someone else. Eventually, he couldn’t handle the pressure of living under the shadow of my distrust and I couldn’t blame him. I also couldn’t accept his forgiveness when it was offered, because I didn’t think I deserved to be forgiven. We were both miserable and it was clearly affecting you. I let you both go because it was my actions and my defective choices that had pushed you both away in the first place. I felt like I deserved to be alone.”
“Jesus, Mom.” We were more alike than I had ever realized.
She put her arms around herself like she was giving herself a much needed hug and dropped her gaze from mine. “Your father and I had a long, treacherous road to get to a place where trust was no longer an issue and that we could love each other with nothing between us. Part of that was watching him get remarried and loving someone else, and part of it was him being endlessly loyal and supportive of you. He’s never wavered with you, Avett. Not ever. There are times we disagree on the way we should support you, but that’s because I’ve watched you be as reckless and careless with yourself and your love as I was. I wanted things to be easier for you.”
I let out a strangled and choking laugh. “They haven’t been.” Because even with the distance between her and me, watching Dad remarry and divorce before my eighteenth birthday hadn’t been easy or fun. She was always my mom and she was always the woman I wanted my dad to be with, because she was the person that made him the happiest.
Quaid had told me the night before that some people were born into the storm and it looked like my mom was also one of them. I came by my chaos naturally. My mayhem was, apparently, part of my genetic code. I literally had been born to be wild, and I’d also been so caught up in my own commotion and on my own path of destruction for so long that I hadn’t even noticed there was a storm that had nothing to do with me brewing under my roof.
“I know they haven’t been, and I blame myself for not being able to teach you from my mistakes … believe me, there have been a lot of them.”
I slumped back against the wall and ran my hands over my face. “I’m learning that blame is poisonous. Maybe you could have tried harder, and I definitely could have paid better attention, but what’s done is done and all we can do is be better from this point forward. Blame has stolen a lot of time and a lot of life from me. I’m really starting to resent it.”
I gave her a curious look. “How did Dad forgive you?” My father was a good man, but he was also a badass, and most badasses didn’t take too kindly to their woman stepping out on them and not having faith in them.
It was my dad’s rumbly and deep voice that answered me. “I forgave her because I loved her, always, even when she made mistakes. I forgave her because she wasn’t the only one that screwed up. I could have waited until I was separated from the woman I was married to before getting involved with your mom, but I was impatient and thoughtless as to how our actions might affect our relationship down the road. I forgave her because she was the mother of my child and because we both needed forgiveness to heal and move forward, even if we weren’t together. Forgiveness is the only way you can be set free. I forgave her because after a lot of time and a lot of trials together, she finally forgave herself. Our story is still being written, Sprite. We haven’t reached the end just yet and there was a lot of editing and revision along the way.”
I wondered vaguely if he had talked to Asa and if that was his subtle hint that if I could learn to forgive myself, then maybe some of that dead weight of responsibility and guilt that caged me down on rock bottom would be lifted, and I could start that slow and arduous trek towards something better.
I pushed my hands through my still-unruly hair and blew out a breath. As I exhaled, I felt years of culpability escape from my dense conscience. “I’m so happy you guys found your way back to each other.”
My dad chuckled in his thunderous way and he reached out to put his arm around my mom’s shoulders so he could pull her to his side. “We are, too, because that story has been a long time coming. We wanted to wait until you were in a place to listen, with your head and your heart. We knew if we told you the truth, at the wrong time, it would have you spiraling even more out of control than you already were. You react, Sprite, and while its honest emotion, it isn’t always the healthiest response. Now that all the skeletons are out of the closet, I figure it’s as good a time as any for this family to be under the same roof. The house is a total loss. The outside brick is still standing, but everything on the inside is gone. It would cost a fortune to go in and rebuild from the ground up, and I think the money coming from the insurance claim could be put to better use.”
I let my head fall back so that it thunked against the wall and turned my face up towards the ceiling. “Yeah. Take the money and use it to replace the money you had to take out of your retirement to pay for my bail, and towards the money you’re planning on paying Quaid. I’m not going to let you lose your home and your retirement, Dad. I’m going to find a way to pay you back to cover the bill coming from the Legal Eagle.”
Both of my parents chuckled at the silly nickname I had labeled him with, and I couldn’t fight a grin at how coincidentally perfect it was now that I knew about the eagle he had inked on his perfectly sculpted chest.
They both started to argue about the money and question how I was going to come up with the necessary funds, but it was my turn to hold my hand up and interrupt them.
“Consider this the first step in the right direction. I haven’t done many things that felt right in my life but this” —I pointed between us with my finger— “this feels right. Taking complete responsibility, including the financial part of it, for the mess I made is something I have to do if I’m ever going to be able to get to a place where I can live with some of the things I’ve done.” I took a deep breath and shifted my eyes between the both of them. “Speaking of the things I’ve done and not letting blame and guilt control me anymore, I need to tell you guys my story. I need you to know that the reason I kept screwing up and kept hurting
myself had nothing to do with you. I need to tell you all of it, and know that you’ll still be here and still love me afterwards.”
Maybe then I could accept some of that forgiveness everyone was always throwing around.
Knowing what the right thing was did feel warm. It also felt fizzy and exciting as it bubbled in my blood, even as my parents reassured me over and over that they were both there to help me. It felt thick and syrupy as it moved through my veins, pushing out all the recrimination and reproach that lived there.
Knowing the right thing to do felt amazing. Now I needed to break all my old habits and actually do what was right, instead of veering off course and nose-diving into the wrong thing. This time, I didn’t want to crash and burn; I wanted to soar to new heights.
CHAPTER 12
Quaid
I exited the courtroom with another not-guilty verdict secured and another very satisfied client. This guy was lucky that the jury bought his innocent and confused act, because I would bet everything I owned that he was indeed guilty of luring the prostitute, who was the complainant, into his home and keeping her there against her will for several days. The court of public opinion held a lot of weight with the average person and the jury took exactly three hours to deliberate and decide that the young woman deserved the horrors she suffered through simply because she made her money on her back and took the risk of advertising her services on Craigslist. It didn’t matter that my client had crazy eyes, a previous history of violence against women, and zero remorse on the stand when he was cross-examined. He looked like a soccer dad and drove a minivan. He worked for the local cable company and had an established 401(k), so he was perceptibly the more upstanding and believable of the two of them on the stand. My job was done. I had kicked legal ass and dragged the poor woman even deeper into the mud, and where I would normally want to celebrate a job well done with an expensive Scotch and a more expensive woman, today all I wanted to do was brave the madness of a tiny, pink-haired hurricane and scrub off the film of distaste that covered me in the shower for a hundred hours.