CHAPTER X
RESOLUTIONS
Toby went to church that Sunday evening with great propriety, Saltashhaving departed, taking Bunny with him to spend the evening atBurchester. Her behaviour was a model of decorum throughout, butreturning she begged Jake for a cigarette as a reward of virtue.
"It'll keep me good for hours," she assured him.
And Jake, who yearned for a smoke himself, could not find it in his heartto refuse.
"Don't overdo it, that's all!" he said. "Young Bunny is always at it, andit's very bad for him."
"Oh, I've got heaps more sense than Bunny," said Toby, with loftyassurance.
She smoked the cigarette with delicate appreciation though Jake's tobaccowas by no means suited to a feminine palate, and they returned at peacewith all the world.
Maud, who had been watching for them somewhat anxiously, saw with reliefthat her fears were groundless. Toby's serene countenance told her thatall was well. No, she had not hated it so very badly after all. It wasnothing to make a fuss about anyhow. She would go again if Jake liked.
She seemed in fact mildly amused by the idea that he could be so easilypleased, and asked him later with her chin in the air if there were anyother odd jobs he would like her to perform.
But when Maud presently went to the piano, she came and sat on a lowchair near her and listened in absolute stillness while she played. Theywere alone, and Maud played on and on, almost forgetful of her silentcompanion, suffering her fingers to wander in unison with her thoughts.All her life music had been her great joy and solace. She was not abrilliant musician as was Saltash, but she had the gift of so steepingherself in music that she could at times thereby express that whichotherwise would have been unutterable--the hidden emotions of her soul.
Nearly an hour had passed thus before she remembered the silent littlefigure behind her, and then it was with a swift sense of compunction thatshe took her hands from the keys and turned.
"Toby dear, how boring this must be for you! Are you asleep? Why, child,what is it?"
With a start she saw that Toby's fair head was bowed upon her arms in anattitude of the most hopeless, the most bitter, despair.
She made a convulsive movement at the sound of Maud's voice, and in amoment lifted a white, strained face. "I am just a little tired, that'sall," she said in a voice that quivered in spite of her. "Please go onplaying! I like it."
Maud got up with quiet decision and went to her, but Toby was on her feetbefore she reached her. She stood with that look of a small, frightenedanimal so characteristic of her, her two hands nervously locked together.
Maud took her gently by the arm. "Shall we sit down and talk?" she said.
Toby yielded as it were involuntarily to the quiet touch. In her plainwhite blouse with the sailor collar she looked a mere child--a piteous,shy child.
Maud drew her down upon the sofa. All the mother in her went out to theforlorn little creature, yet for the moment she hesitated, as one afraidto strike a wrong note.
Toby was trembling a little and that fact decided her. She put acomforting arm about her.
"Do you know I am wondering how to make you happy?" she said.
Toby choked back a sob. "You are very kind, and I am stupid--stupid. Iwill try to be happy. I will really."
Maud began to draw her gently nearer, but Toby surprised her by a suddenpassionate movement and slipped down on to the floor, hiding her faceagainst her.
"I'm not fit--to speak to you!" she said in a vehement, strangledwhisper. "I'm so bad--so bad. And I do--so--want to be good."
"My dear, dear child!" Maud said very tenderly.
Toby fought with herself for a space, her thin arms tightly claspingMaud's knees. At last, forcing back her distress she lifted her head.
"I'm so dreadfully sorry. Don't let it upset you! Don't--tell Jake!"
"You are quite safe with me, dear," Maud assured her. "But can't I helpyou?"
She knew even as she asked the question that Toby was not prepared togive her full confidence, and her own reserve shrank from asking for it.
Toby looked up at her with quivering lips. "Oh, you are good!" she said."I want to be good--like you. But--I don't feel as if I ever shall be."
Maud laid a very gentle hand upon the blue-veined forehead. "I thinkgoodness is only comparative at the best of times, dear," she said. "Idon't feel that I am specially good. If I seem so to you, it is probablybecause my life holds very few temptations to be anything else."
"Ah!" Toby said, with a quick sigh. "And do you think people ought to bemade to suffer for--for things they can't help?"
Maud shook her head. "I am afraid it often happens, dear."
"And yet you believe in God," Toby said.
"Yes, I believe in God." With quiet reverence Maud made answer. "And I amquite sure, Toby--quite, quite sure--that He never holds peopleresponsible for the things they can't help."
"Then why--" began Toby restlessly.
Maud interrupted her. "No, no. Don't ask why! The world is as God madeit. 'We are His workmanship.' Let Him do with us as He will!"
Toby's hands clenched. A frown that was curiously unchildlike drew thewide forehead. "Are we to be quite passive then? Just--slaves?"
"No," Maud said. "Servants--not slaves. There is a big difference. Andevery one of us--every one of us--has God's work to do in the world."
"And you think that bad people,--like me--can do anything?" said Toby.
Maud smiled a little. "Toby dear, I am quite sure that your work iswaiting for you."
"Don't know where I'm going to begin," said Toby, with another sigh.
"My dear, you have begun." Maud's hand smoothed the fair hair. "Do youthink I don't know how hard you try?"
Toby's eyes filled with quick tears. "But is it any good trying? Shall Iever get away from--from--" She broke off with a nervous, upward glance."Shall I ever do more than begin?" she substituted rather piteously.
"My dear, yes." Very quietly, with absolute decision, Maud made answer."You are young--too young to be hampered by anything that is past. Youhave your life before you, and--to a very great extent--you can make ofit what you will. There is no need--believe me, there is no need--to lookback. There is only time enough for the present. Just keep on trying!Make the very best you can of it! And you will find the future will comeout all right."
"Will it?" said Toby rather dubiously.
Maud bent and kissed her. "Certainly it will, dear. Never doubt it! Itmay not be the future we plan for ourselves, but it will be the very bestpossible if we keep on doing our best with the present."
"Thank you," Toby murmured gratefully. "And you really think--you doreally think--the past doesn't matter?"
Maud was silent for a few moments. The thought of Saltash was in hermind, his jesting evasions, his air of careless proprietorship. What wasthe thing in this child's past that she desired so earnestly to put away?She wondered if she ought to ask, but she could not.
A slight terror ran through the small, supplicating figure at her knee,and quick pity banished doubt. "I think it is entirely in our own hands,dear," she said gently. "The past can always be left behind if we workhard enough."
"Oh, thank you," Toby said again, and gathering Maud's handsimpulsively into her own she kissed them. "I'm going to work very hard,"she said. "You'll help me, I know. I've got to--to leave off turningsomersaults--and learn to--curtsey."
She sent a shy smile into Maud's face, and almost in spite of herselfMaud answered it. There was something oddly appealing, irresistiblyattractive, about the child. She was so young and ardent, yet sopathetically anxious to please.
"Of course I will help you," she said. "I will always help you, my dear."
And Toby, emboldened, thrust warm arms about her neck, and held herclose.