A light dusting of snow covers the road, making my drive slow and even more nerve-racking than it began. A soft flurry of flakes feather toward the earth as I stare out the windshield into the shadow of light my headlights cast in the falling darkness. I watch them fall, all the while thinking that in all of the years I had lived in this town it has never snowed on Christmas.
Now, so many years later, God welcomes me back with a wonderful white surprise.
I have spent the last ten hours on the road, headed back to a home I abandoned too many years ago. From the very moment I left my love’s side and began this journey, my mind has been riddled with the anticipation of seeing it all again. Now the snow, which I had never learned to drive in, has me shaking for a different reason.
Although, I do find it odd that it wasn’t until I passed the faded, rusted sign welcoming me to my home state that the snow started to fall. I would have expected the snowfall in any of the northern states I had previously driven through, but not here, not in the Deep South. Yet, here is where old man winter decides to send me his holiday greeting.
My mind, again, begins to reel in anticipation of discovering all the things that have changed since my sudden, forced departure. My heart speeds up as I turn onto the road the house my family has lived in for generations. Contact between my family and I has been limited these last ten years. My arrival should be quite the shocker. I am sweating despite the fact that I turned the heater off a half-an-hour ago, letting the cold winter air seep in the car and my bones.
The only distracting noise that has kept me from slipping into a nostalgia-induced coma is the swish, swish of the wipers. I was lucky to find a vehicle that still ran and was in decent enough condition to make the journey, wishing for a radio that worked would have been pushing it.
I park a few houses down from my family home, not wanting them to see the lights or hear the engine. The house is lit up, and I can see people moving around in every room. The sight freezes me to the seat, and I sit and stare in shock. My family is large but this sight is overwhelming. Every person in my family must be here.
Other than at my grandmother’s home, there are no other signs of life in the neighborhood. Sure, it is only natural that some homes would be empty because their occupants have gone elsewhere for the holidays, but not every home, not every occupant. Each driveway has at least two inches of snow covering it, a sign that none of the neighbors have been home for a while.
The cold air hits me in a wonderful, breathtaking gust as I open the door of my small VW Bug to get out. Tightening the hood of my jacket, I begin a slow, methodical walk toward the house. I assume it is the cold keeping everyone inside because other than me there is no one wandering around in this winter wonderland. There is no one building a snowman, having a snowball fight, or playing any of the other normal games people play in the snow.
I cross to the opposite side of the street so that I can look straight at the house. I want to be able to take in the sight of the whole house before making my appearance. I want to savor the memory of my home the way it looks at this moment.
The family room and dining room join in the front of the house. Both of them have extremely large windows. The curtains hanging in these windows are always open for us to see out, and for the world to see in. The Christmas tree, as fat and tall as always, sits in the middle of the family room window. My body aches to rush inside, so that I can smell the pine. I watch as the dark shapes of people, who used to be familiar to me, do odd errands throughout the house.
I can imagine that my mother is in the kitchen with my sister-in-law, my grandmother, and my aunt preparing the turkey and dressing, ham with pineapples, mashed potatoes, green beans, and homemade macaroni and cheese. My great-great grandmother was so insistent that we do our best to make the traditional meals of her past. We didn’t always have the right meats and our pastas didn’t always turn out the way she remembered them, but we always had big holiday meals, and very few people knew the difference anyway. I can almost smell the delicious aromas circling the kitchen, and I can almost taste the savory food.
My stomach grumbles at the thought of all that home-cooked goodness inside waiting for me.
I can picture all the places in the house that my family has scattered. The smokers are in the garage. The children are in the family room, eyeballing the gifts. They are waiting for the adults to finish cooking and serving the meal so that they can open the colorful boxes and bags. A few adults are in the living room playing card games or board games, while others talk and catch up. All are oblivious to the fact that I am standing out here watching, waiting for the right time to come in.
As I watch them, I see a small figure come to the family room window. She has come to watch the snowfall. She does not see me. Her eyes light up at the sight of the world outside. She is just as amazed by the snow’s flight to earth as she amazes me. I recognized her the moment she came to the window, her long brown hair, her short stature even for a ten year old. I know if I get close enough to her, I will be able to see our father’s blue eyes and dimpled chin. However, I cannot make myself go to her just yet, so I just stand here watching her.
Tears well up in my eyes, and I wipe them away before they get the chance to freeze on my cheek. Uncontrollably, my mind begins to wonder, and I imagine what it would be like if she saw me.
I imagine that she looks my way and our eyes lock. With my heart pounding in my chest, my legs move on their own, taking me across the street and to her. She does not move until I am standing in the middle of the front yard. Then her eyes widen and nearly engulf her face as the realization of who I am sets in.
She turns and runs to the front door.
I do the same.
I jerk open the screen door, as she pulls on the wooden door.
We meet there and pause for what seems like a lifetime, both of us scared and nervous. I squat down and pull off my hat. She runs into my arms. My mom comes to see where she has disappeared. With tear-stricken eyes, I look up at her. Mom nearly faints at the sight of me, then she starts crying. Her cries alert the rest of the house to my presence.
With my baby sister in one arm, hugging me tightly, the people I know and love dearly surround me. My brother, his wife, daughter, son, my stepfather, my cousins, and their spouses. I hug each of them in turn. The rest of my family gathers in the foyer. Words, laughter, and cries become jumbled and echo throughout the house.
A large gust of snow blows me off balance, waking me from those happy thoughts. Tears fill my eyes, again, as I remind myself that that little girl in the window does not know who I am, and would never recognize me. I have changed a lot since I left, not just in my looks, but also in every aspect of my being, and she was merely an infant.
I go back to watching her watch the snowfall, too afraid to go any closer to the house. I do not know why it scares me. My homecoming should be a joyous one after all these years, but I am afraid to go inside the house. I have done things, things no human should ever do. I have seen things that I will never be able to tell them, even if I could find the words.
I am no longer the daughter that was destined to run this town. I am not the aunt that let the kids run wild when my siblings were not looking. Nor am I the woman who taught her younger sister about certain life facts when she became a woman. I am not who they think I am and will never again be able to be that person.
My eyes catch the sight of another person coming towards the window. My breath stops, my mind races with thoughts and images as my heart cries with joy and sorrow. Of all the people I expected to see here, she was not one of them. A part of me knows that she should not be there, that it isn’t possible. But why my great-great grandmother, the mother of our society, the creator of our world isn’t supposed to be there, I don’t know. I can’t bring the information forward in my mind.
I watch as she bends down beside my sister, a child that is starting to look too much like me at that age, and wraps her up in her arms. She whispers something i
nto the little girl’s ear then points at the snow. A big smile spreads across her lips before she burst into laughter. The ancient woman picks up the child, and they disappear into another room.
I know I have to go in, but as I try to force my feet to move, fear creeps back into my soul. My mind is hiding secrets. I have this strange feeling that something is terribly wrong inside the house. I can still see people moving around. The closer I get the more noises I can hear. I hear laughter, bits and pieces of conversations, even the small hint of Christmas music. I can smell the faint odor of cigarette smoke seeping out from under the garage door. The scent mixes with the smell of turkey and ham, making my heartache with memories.
My gloved hand touches the ice-cold handle of the screen door. A voice in the back of my head screams. It screams that there is something inside I do not want to see, something that I do not want to know. A truth about what really lies behind the door. Something about all of this feels unreal. I force myself to turn the knob, to open the door. My breath catches as I reach for the gold handle of the wooden door.
As I slowly turn it to the right, everything goes silent. All laughter, all music, instantly turns off. With my next breath, I notice that the smells are also