My mom caught my eye, waving proudly at me from where all of my family sat together with big smiles on their faces. I nodded at her and smiled back before turning my attention back to the field.
***
We easily won the game—our team was much better and we proved it. After all the celebrating and congratulating was done, I headed over to the sideline to grab my things. Coach Billy approached me and gave me a thump on my shoulder pads.
I smiled at him. He was one of my favorite coaches ever, and he sure knew how to make his team win. “Good game, Coach.”
He nodded, but then his face grew serious. “You know you’re something special, right?”
“Yeah, but I couldn’t do it without my team,” I answered, knowing it sounded good to give credit to everyone else.
“No, that’s not what I mean.” He placed a hand on each of my shoulders and I realized he was trying to tell me something important. “Chase, all these boys look up to you. You could lead them to turn left on a right turn only. That’s a gift that most men, even at my age, don’t have. People dream of being able to influence others like that.”
“Thanks, Coach. You’ve been a role model to me,” I replied, not sure what the appropriate response was to this.
“One more thing. I want you to know there’s something else you have,” he added with tears coming to his eyes. “You have the gift to make others love and respect you, no matter the age difference; and you have drive. If there’s something you want, you go and get it; even if things don’t fall your way, you always go after and get what you want. Remember that; and use it to make good in the world and touch the lives of those around you.”
He patted me, again, on the shoulder, then turned around and left. I stood there, watching after him, unable to say a word.
“Mr. Walker? Mr. Walker?” I heard a soft female voice calling to me and I glanced around. Suddenly I felt dizzy and everything got brighter. I blinked several times, trying to adjust to the glare. A nurse’s face swam into focus and, after a moment of confusion, I remembered my surgery. I must’ve been dreaming.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m awake,” I replied, my voice sounding hoarse and scratchy, as if I was just waking up first thing in the morning.
I glanced around the room and saw Brittney sitting in a chair beside me with a slight smile on her face.
“How long have you been here?” I added.
“Long enough to here you tell us a story about talking to someone named Coach Billy. Don’t you remember?”
Coach Billy? I’d been talking out loud? Well, that was embarrassing.
“Can we please just go home?” I asked in a pleading voice. I wanted to share some things about that dream with her, but there was a pain in my head that was quickly growing. I needed to get out of here.
I sat up and swung a leg off the bed, trying to stand, only to be tackled down by both the nurse and Brittney.
“Mr. Walker! What on earth are you doing?” The nurse screamed loud enough to make it feel like an atom bomb had gone off inside my brain.
“I’m ready to leave. Sorry, I forgot I still need to use my crutches.”
“You may be ready to go, but there are still a few things we need to do before you can—like take your I.V. out and get another set of vitals. Now just lay back and relax for a few more minutes. And when you do leave, it will be in wheelchair, not on crutches.”
“This is such bullshit,” I grumbled under my breath as I leaned back against the pillow. I hated having to be taken care of; and unfortunately, I knew this was just the beginning.
***
“Morning, babe.”
I cracked an eyelid and saw Brittney walking into the room carrying a delicious looking plate of eggs, bacon, and toast. I was immediately grateful for all the cooking shows she’d been into watching lately. Her cooking had greatly improved in just the last few days. Gone were the prepackaged or boxed meals she and Tana had often prepared for Brett and I during college. She was making a valiant effort to improve and I appreciated it.
“Morning, hun,” I replied, my eyes not even fully open. I stretched and yawned widely, trying to push past the hazy mind inflicted by my pain meds, before sitting up and leaning back against the pillows.
She sat the food on the nightstand and straightened up, eyeing me with a concerned look. “Do you want to eat alone?” she asked softly.
“Stay. I have some stuff I feel I should tell you.” I patted the spot on the bed next to me. She didn’t reply, but came and sat down. I noticed the small worry lines on her brow. “So, you said you heard me talking about my coach in the recovery room. What did I say?”
She gave a smirk when she realized this was what I wanted to speak to her about. She loved talking to me about my past—or anything really—which was good, since I didn’t have a whole lot to keep me occupied.
“Well, you said something about him telling you how you’re a leader and you get what you want.”
I nodded. “Okay. Do you mind if I get a few things off my chest?” I didn’t look at her when I asked, but I could feel her stare on the side of my face.
“You know you can tell me anything.”
“Well, I’m not really asking for an answer to any of this, mostly just giving voice to some things that have been stressing me out.” I took a moment to think about what I wanted to say. “It’s true, I was able to get pretty much anything I wanted when I was growing up. It didn’t matter if it was an A in a class, or being the teacher’s favorite student while, at the same time, still being loved by the rest of my classmates. I had it easy and everyone followed my lead, whether good or bad.
“When things got rough for me, I led some of my friends down the wrong road, into things like drugs. I’ll never forgive myself for that, but I made up my mind to get away from it. Now, that was something that didn’t come easy,” I added, as I turned to face her.
She reached out and placed her hand on mine. I could see the moisture in her eyes. “Please keep going.”
“Nikki.” I managed to choke out before tears of my own started running down my face. “I don’t understand how the one thing I really had to work for ended up being the one thing that was taken away practically the instant I got it. If God is real, and He gave me the gift of having the biggest heart under my thick skin, why would he take away what I loved most?” I could barely talk past the knot in my throat and I wondered if I was even making any sense to her. I only knew I needed to talk to her about it.
She squeezed my fingers tighter. “I don’t have an answer for that.” I stared at her wet cheeks, knowing she had to be wondering why I was always thinking of Nikki, but I couldn’t help it. It seemed like everything always boiled down to that moment in time.
“I’ve always wished it was me who was inside the car that night. I’m the one who deserved to die after hurting the lives of my friends around me. Would it really have been so bad? I’d be with my dad, watching over you, Brett, and Nikki. She’d be alive—she’d have a life.”
“She’s always watching over you, Chase. I’m sure of it. She loved you a lot.”
“Do you still love me?” I asked, hearing the note of fear in my own voice.
She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me, burying her face against my neck. “I’ll love you until the day I die. There’s no one else for me.”
I returned her embrace, slowly exhaling the breath I’d been holding. I didn’t want to lose her too; but I could only think that my life was somehow getting away from me, spinning out of my control. I didn’t know what to do about it or how to accurately share how I felt. Everything came out jumbled when I tried to explain.
She didn’t release me; instead, she held on to me for several long moments. “I love you, Chase,” she said again, pulling away to look me in the eye. “I mean it.”
I nodded. “I know you do.”
We stared at each other a few seconds longer and I stroked a hair away from her face.
“Are you going to eat
your breakfast? I got up early just so I could make you that before I had to leave.” She gave me a sweet smile.
“Did you now?” I responded with a grin, sliding my hand stealthily down her back. I grabbed her extremely ticklish side and she screamed, pushing away from me so fast she almost knocked herself off the bed.
I laughed and grabbed her again, dragging her back over to my lap. She squealed and thrashed about, trying to get away, but I held on to her tightly.
“Chase! Stop! Oh, please, stop!” she yelled bucking back against me and, in the process, her foot landed in a hard hit against my knee, sending a huge pain clear up my leg and into my spine.
I groaned loudly and loosened my hold on her. Immediately she flipped around in my arms grabbing my face in her hands. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you okay?”
She stared worriedly at me and I took a deep breath as the worst of the pain subsided.
“You’re fine. It’s a long way from my heart.”
She gave me a puzzled look and I chuckled, grabbing and tickling her again. She laughed hard, trying to get away, but making sure to stay clear of my knee. When she finally realized I wasn’t going to let her go, she collapsed against me, breathing heavily.
“I’ve missed you. We haven’t had a connection like this in a while.” She went from laughing to serious in a matter of seconds.
I knew I needed to answer her, that she wanted some comfort, but I wasn’t sure what to say.
“I’m sorry I’ve been distant,” I finally replied, giving her a squeeze. “Give me time. I’m trying.”
She stroked my arms for a few moments before she gently untangled herself from me. “It’s time for me to go. Legal aid waits for no one. Is there anything I can get you before I leave?” She smiled happily at me and I knew these few minutes, together, had been good for both of us.
“Can you get me two more of those pain killers?” I asked, knowing it wasn’t time for more yet, but my knee was really starting to throb.
She looked at me with concern. “You’ve taken your last two doses too early already. I don’t think that’s good for you,” She replied, slowly handing them to me.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right, babe. You go ahead and leave for work. I’ll just sink back into my little drug coma.” I winked and smiled, trying to not let her know how bad my leg was hurting. I couldn’t let her feel any worse than she already did. “Thanks for breakfast.” I traveled my gaze hungrily over her, wishing I could keep her here. “You look gorgeous today, by the way.”
She flashed me her five star smile before leaning over and kissing me. “I love you,” she said as she left the room.
“I love you too,” I called after her. “I’ll text you when I wake up.”
A deep sigh escaped me when I heard the front door close. I was ready to get over this surgery and on with my life. The real question was, what life? Mine was ruined forever, it seemed.
Chapter Six
The ride home from my post surgery follow-up appointment was silent. Brittney didn’t talk and I had no urge to say anything, both of us absorbing the news the doctor had given us.
I needed another operation.
Apparently my surgeon felt the pins used to secure my shin together weren’t holding it well enough. He wanted to go back in and add plates to it for extra stabilization.
This news had me extremely discouraged. I was starting to wonder if all this was going to work out. Instead of moving forward, I was being sent back to the beginning, and it sucked.
Movies I’d seen of people who’d overcome great odds and strengthened their relationships with those around them popped into my mind. Those suddenly seemed like fake, Hollywood-rigged stories. I couldn’t seem to make any progress, and my internal struggles were making things between Brittney and me strained, to say the least. I couldn’t lose her, too, but I was afraid I would. My fears were speaking loudly to me, telling me there was no way to hang onto the things I loved the most.
We arrived at home and Brittney helped me into the house. I headed straight for the couch, settling myself there in a slouch, staring at the blank television screen.
Brittney stood there watching me for a moment before setting her purse down. “Chase, I know something is bothering you, but I can’t help you fix things if you won’t talk to me.” She looked me in the eyes, her expression concerned, but hopeful.
I was actually glad she brought up the subject. “Well . . . .” I wasn’t sure where to start. I knew she was suffering too, and I didn’t want to say anything that might make her feel like I was pushing her away. “I honestly don’t know where I am in life anymore, babe. Nothing is turning out the way I planned—even this damn surgery isn’t going right.” I sighed heavily and ran a hand over my face. “It’s just starting to seem like . . . too much. I feel like I’m just existing—floating out there somewhere without a clue of what to do.”
She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Chase, I’ll always be here for you and you know that,” she responded seriously.
“I appreciate that, and I know this has been hard for you, because I’m not always good about sharing things. It’s the only way I really know how to deal with hardships. I’ve always retracted inside myself when life got tough.
“After Nikki died, I really pulled away from everyone. It was easier for me to nurse my wounds alone, it seemed. I couldn’t face the looks everyone gave me when they saw me—those well meaning, but pathetic stares that said, “Gee, we’re so sorry your life sucks.”
“I’ve tried not to pull away from you, this time, because I do love you and if I lost you, it would kill me. But it’s been hard—really hard. I mean, look at my life! Where am I supposed to go from here? What am I supposed to do? Is this thing going to get better, or am I going to be some arthritic cripple for the rest of my life?”
I gave a frustrated growl and rubbed my face again. “I’m sorry. I know you’ve heard this all before, but I just can’t seem to get past it. I’m struggling here, Britt.”
She rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand in a comforting gesture as she pondered what I’d said.
“Have you ever considered going to therapy?”
I could feel the sudden tension in her hand and I knew she was nervous about asking me this.
“Me? Therapy?” I said with a slight laugh. “You’d have better luck getting a cat to willingly dive into water.” I gave her a half smile, knowing she meant well. “I don’t like getting help. I’ve never liked the idea of relying on someone else. I know me best—so why should I look elsewhere?”
“Because you’re not Superman, Chase; and as hard as it may be for you to hear this, I really think you might benefit from getting some help. You just said, yourself, that you’re struggling. I know you’re a strong person, but getting help will only prove how smart and strong you are. It won’t make you less so.”
I wondered if maybe she was right. True, on the football field I never needed much help; but right now, emotionally, I was no quarterback. I honestly didn’t know how to let things go. I said I did, but I didn’t. I was just treading water while burying things inside me deeper and deeper.
“You’ve been through hell, you know? You’re life has had some pretty traumatic twists and turns,” she continued on. “Think about all the good going to group addiction recovery did for you. What’s different about this?”
“It wasn’t a one-on one-type situation. I didn’t have to talk if I didn’t want to. I could just sit there and listen to the others and go through the worksheets on my own. It wasn’t like lying on a couch and spilling my guts to somebody.”
She laughed. “I don’t think they’ll actually make you lay on a couch, honey. And I’m pretty sure if you don’t feel like talking you won’t have to do that either.”
“So, let me get this straight. You want me to pay to go sit on someone’s couch and not talk? I hate to break it to you, babe, but I can do that right here, for free.” I grinned so she’d
know I was teasing her.
She yanked her hand away and slapped me in the shoulder. “You know what I mean!”
“Hey, now!” I said raising my hands defensively. “I thought you were a court advocate against domestic violence—not for it!” I joked. “Besides, I’m injured here. You don’t want to assault the lame.”
She shook her head. “That was lame. Dork.”
I chuckled again, always enjoying the opportunity to mess with her a bit. “Tell you what.” I glanced around quickly and spied the wrappers from the burgers we’d had last night still on the coffee table. I grabbed one and wadded it up before holding it out to Brittney. “If you can make this wrapper into the trashcan across the room there, I’ll go see a counselor. But if you miss, you have to wash the dishes for a week.” I smiled, wondering if she’d take the bait.
She rolled her eyes at me. “Apparently you’ve forgotten—I do the dishes every day. I say if I make it, you will see a counselor and massage my feet every night for a week.”
“And if you don’t?”
She considered this for a moment. “If I miss, then I won’t bug you about it anymore and I’ll massage your feet for a week. How does that sound?” Her smile widened and made my heart rate pick up. I loved it when she was happy. She was having fun with me, but I could tell she was taking the challenge seriously too.
“Okay,” I readily agreed. “I’ve seen you throw; and I’d love to have foot massages for a week. I was a little surprised by her level of confidence, because my chances of winning this bet were pretty high.
She plucked the wrapper out of my hand, stood, and walked across the room, depositing it into the trashcan.
“Hey! That’s not fair!” I said laughing.
“Oh? Did someone forget to stipulate the rules before they called it a deal?” She sent a wink in my direction and giggled. I could tell she was quite pleased with herself.