Chapter Twenty-One
The sun filtered through the leaves of the trees, casting flickering shadows over Nikki’s face as she lay in the grass beneath me. I bent to lightly kiss her lips again, listening to the sound of her increased breathing mingle with the sound of the creek and the soft breeze in the air. I lifted my face to look at her, my heart swelling with feelings.
She smiled tenderly. “I love you, Chase.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered, stroking my hand across her cheek and then her neck. I paused to trace her collarbone, marveling over how silky her skin felt under my touch, before I moved to replace my finger with my mouth.
I moaned when she arched her back and ran her fingers into my hair. I kissed farther down her body. This beautiful girl was mine. She belonged only to me. I slid my hands over her perfect figure, enjoying the way she moved in reaction to my touch.
I found another spot to attack and grinned when she called out my name. “Chase,” her voice was a little deeper and huskier. “Chase.”
Someone shook me, and I woke with a start, sitting up to find Nikki’s mom staring at me with a concerned look. The beeping of Nikki’s heart monitor was still going strong, and reality came crashing back in.
I sat up on the edge of the couch and hunched over, grabbing the sides of my head as I closed my eyes in despair. I’d been dreaming—dreaming of being with Nikki while she was laying sedated a few feet away in the hospital bed I’d put her in.
What kind of freak was I?
Justine joined me and slipped an arm around my shoulders. “How you holding up, Chase?”
Sighing heavily, I tried to wipe the guilt I was feeling from my face. “I’ve been better, but still doing better than her.”
I glanced to where Nikki, unmoved since the last time I looked at her. “How was your trip?”
She leaned against the couch. “Exhausting. Excruciating. I’m so glad you and your family were here. Your mom took the kids for me tonight, and I drove your truck so you’d have a way to get home. Your Grandpa and Greg are coming tomorrow to drop off my car. Your family has been amazing, as usual.”
“They love you too,” I replied. “I think having you all out to the ranch for the Fourth of July barbeque secured your place as a family favorite forever.”
We both smiled at the memory, and I wished we could return to that night filled with sparklers, pie eating contests, and games. Life was so simple in that moment. I was happy my mom and Justine had hit it off, becoming best friends. My reasons were purely selfish, of course. They liked each other which meant Nikki and I got to spend more time together too.
“How’s she been?” she asked, dragging me from my thoughts.
“Just like this since they admitted her. I think the drugs keep her from moving too much while they wait for the swelling to decrease.”
She nodded and stood, going to place her hand on the top of Nikki’s bandages. She bent to kiss her forehead. “I’m here now. I love you, sweetie.”
Nikki didn’t move, and I cast my gaze to the floor, the guilt eating away at me again.
“Why don’t you go home for a while, Chase? Your grandma had dinner cooking when I dropped the kids off, and it smelled great. Go eat, sleep in your own bed, and get cleaned up. You can come back in the morning.”
I shook my head. “I promised her I wouldn’t leave.”
“I know, but she would be furious if she woke up and saw you looking like you do. I’m here with her now. If she wakes, I’ll tell her I made you go home to get some rest. She’ll understand.”
I opened my mouth to argue.
“Please, Chase. Let me spend some alone time with my daughter. Hospitals bring up difficult memories, and I want a bit of one-on-one time with her.”
She gave me a pleading look I couldn’t deny, no matter how much I wanted to. I knew she was remembering her husband’s illness. I stood, and she dug into her pocket, handing me my keys. I took them and leaned over to kiss Nikki.
“I’ll be back first thing in the morning,” I whispered near her ear.
“Thanks, Chase,” Justine said, as I passed by.
“Call if you need anything. And if she wakes up, please tell her I love her, and I’ll be here as soon as I can.”
“I will,” she replied with a soft smile, and I left the room.
I hated leaving, feeling like I was going back on my word to Nikki. I’d already let her down dreadfully. I didn’t want her to wake up and see that I’d done it again.
When I got in my truck, the gas gauge showed it was time for a refill, so I pulled into the first station I passed, groaning when I saw Chad and Wes coming out of the store with a case of beer.
“Dude!” Chad called, coming over to clap me on the back. “What are you doing in these parts?”
They must not have heard about Nikki’s accident yet. “I could ask you the same thing.”
“My buddy works here, and he sells to us,” he explained, motioning to the alcohol. “You want to come party with us tonight? You look beat, man.”
“I can’t. I’ve been at the hospital all day. Nikki was in a bad car accident last night.” I started the pump and left it to go into the store and get something to drink.
“What?” Wes said as they followed. “Is she okay?”
“She’s sedated right now, but she broke her spine and needs surgery. She might be paralyzed from the waist down. They don’t know yet.” It made me sick to speak the words.
I opened the door and went inside.
“Man, that sucks. Anything we can do to help?” Chad asked.
I shook my head. “Not unless you can get rid of these awful memories in my head. I just need to go home and sleep.”
Chad went to the register. “Drake, take care of my friend, Chase, here. Whatever he wants, he gets.” He placed a twenty down on the counter.
“You don’t need to do that,” I said.
“Bro’s take care of each other. You’re our guy, Chase. Let me do this for you.” He stared at me intently.
“Fine,” I agreed after a moment, walking over to give him a fist bump. “Thanks, man.”
“No worries. We’ll try to come see Nikki tomorrow.”
I nodded. “Sounds good. Catch you later.”
I watched as the two left and climbed into Chad’s car.
“Chad’s a great guy,” Drake spoke up.
“Yeah, he is.”
“What can I get for you?” He placed his hand on the twenty.
“I need to pay for the gas on island three.”
“Anything else?” He arched his eyebrow, and I knew what he meant.
I paused, wrestling with myself, but I lost the battle. “Throw in a case of beer too.”
He smiled widely. “Will do.”
I pulled my preferred brand out of the cooler while he rang things up and paid the difference Chad’s twenty didn’t cover.
“Have a good night,” Drake said as I left the store.
Not a chance, I thought, giving him a nod because I didn’t trust myself to say anything.
I drove straight to the creek, parking in the very spot I’d been dreaming about earlier. We’d come here on several different occasions during the summer. We never brought food again—mostly we made out like crazy. There were a few times we enjoyed playing in the creek too. We’d gotten pretty frisky with each other one day, and I’d thrown her in to cool her off. She stood up, her clothes clinging to every inch of her. I laughed as she grabbed and pulled me in with her. The hot kissing session had continued in the water too. I couldn’t get enough of her.
The smile slid from my face as I pushed the memory aside. I got a beer and cracked it open, guzzling most of the can before I paused for a breath. I leaned over the steering wheel as I watched the water rippling in the moonlight. Everything was so peaceful looking, not like the churning turmoil going on inside me.
I finished the beer and took another one.
The images of Nikki all bloodied and ma
ngled in the wreckage of the car popped through my head.
I knocked back this one too and went for a third, but the thoughts wouldn’t stop.
She’d been coming to see me—to be with me. I should’ve told her no . . . told her we would wait longer to make sure she really knew what she wanted. But no. I’d been in too much of a damn hurry to move things along. I’d been ready to take her the moment she’d spoken the words. Hell, I’d been wearing her defenses down for months.
I couldn’t get over the fact if I had said no she wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed right now. It would have hurt her feelings if I’d reject her after an offer like that, but at least she would be whole, uninjured. Even if she hated me afterwards, it would’ve been worth it—to know she was okay. What was that saying about hindsight being twenty-twenty?
I finished the third beer and reached for another.
You shouldn’t be doing this either, a tiny voice rose in my subconscious mind, and I shoved it back down where it belonged.
I was through being good. I’d tried to move on and live my life, and all I’d accomplished was hurting the person I loved most in the world. I was going to drink until every one of these voices in my head shut up. Good or bad, I didn’t want to hear them anymore. I was sick of trying to be something I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be.
Maybe I really was the bad kid, the player who smashed any girl who would give him the time of day, the kid who was constantly stoned out of his mind.
Was that really so awful? It saved me from having to deal with complicated lifestyles. I could simply coast along and exist, not caring about anything. There was nothing wrong with that. I didn’t care if the people around me understood or not. Let them judge who they thought I was.
If this was what living a real life was going to feel like, then I didn’t want it. I was done with this bull. I was going to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and no one was going to stop me.
I cracked open another beer, knowing I was getting sloppy drunk and completely plastered.
“I don’t care!” I shouted out loud to the stars in the sky. “This is who I am so deal with it!”
I tipped the beer and drank until I felt like I was drowning. I wanted to drown. I just wanted it all to go away.
Removing the can from my lips, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. “I don’t care anymore,” I said again, repeating my vow.
Liar, the stupid voice inside me spoke again. You care too much.