Mahendra was dumbfounded. Binodini was startled; the blood pounded in her heart.
‘There is another piece of news for you,’ Bihari continued. ‘Your mother is on her deathbed; there is no hope of her survival. I shall leave by the night train, and Binodini will accompany me.’
‘Is Pishima ill?’ asked Binodini, startled.
‘It is not an illness to be cured. Anything could happen at any moment,’ Bihari told her.
Without any more words, Mahendra left the room.
‘How could you say the words that you just uttered?’ Binodini asked Bihari. ‘Is this a joke?’
‘No, I spoke sincerely; I shall marry you.’
‘To rescue this sinful woman.’
‘No. Because I love you, because I respect you.’
‘This is my ultimate reward. I want nothing more than what you have just admitted. Even if I receive more than this, it will not last; religion will not tolerate it.’
‘Why not?’
‘For shame, it is embarrassing to think of such a thing. I am a widow, a woman disgraced. I cannot permit you to be humiliated in the eyes of society. For shame, don’t mention such things.’
‘Would you abandon me?’
‘I do not have the right to abandon you. You secretly work for the good of others: grant me responsibility for one of your undertakings, and in fulfiling it, I shall count myself among your devotees. But how shameful, that you should want to marry a widow! In the greatness of your heart, anything is possible, but if I should take this step, destroying you in the eyes of society, I shall never in all my life recover from my shame.’
‘But I love you, Binodini.’
‘On the strength of that love, I shall commit a single act of daring today.’ Saying this, Binodini prostrated herself and kissed Bihari’s toe. Kneeling at his feet, she vowed, ‘I shall do penance and meditation so that you may be mine in my next birth; in this birth, I have no claims or expectations. I have caused much sadness, and received much sorrow in return; I have learned a great deal. Had I forgotten those lessons I had learned, I would have dragged you down and degraded myself further. But because of your uprightness, I am able to raise my head again, with renewed self-respect. I shall not destroy this refuge, this support.’
Bihari remained silent, his face grave.
Folding her hands in supplication, Binodini said, ‘Make no mistake: marrying me will not make you happy. You will lose respect, and so shall I. You are ever detached, always serene. Remain as you are. Let me stay at a distance, involved in your work. May you remain cheerful, may you be happy.’
53
Mahendra was about to enter his mother’s room, when Asha hurried out and forbade him. ‘Don’t go in now.’
‘Why not?’
‘The doctor says there may be trouble if Ma receives any kind of jolt, whether pleasant or sorrowful.’
‘Let me tiptoe in very slowly from behind, and take just one look at her—she will never know.’
‘She starts at the slightest sound. She will sense it as soon as you enter the room.’
‘In that case, what course of action would you suggest?’
‘Let Bihari Thakurpo come and see her once. We shall do as he advises.’ As she spoke, Bihari arrived on the scene. Asha had sent for him.
‘Bouthan, did you send for me? I hope Ma is well?’ he inquired.
Asha seemed reassured at the sight of Bihari. ‘Since you left, Ma has grown more restless,’ she told him. ‘The first day she did not see you, she asked me, “Where has Bihari gone?” I said, “He has gone away on some important work, and is expected to return by Thursday.” Ever since then, she gets up with a start from time to time. Although she says nothing, she seems to be secretly waiting for somebody. Yesterday, after receiving your telegram, I told her you would be returning today. Hearing that, she issued special instructions for your meal. She ordered all your favourite things from the market, and has made cooking arrangements in the front veranda, so that she may supervise from within her room. She refused to follow the doctor’s instructions. A short while ago, she called me to her and said, “Bouma, today you must cook everything with your own hands; I shall personally supervise Bihari’s meal.”’
Bihari’s eyes grew moist. ‘What is Ma’s condition?’ he asked.
‘Go and see for yourself. It seems to me her illness has grown more acute.’
Bihari entered the room. Standing outside, Mahendra felt amazed. Asha had smoothly assumed charge of the household. How easily she forbade Mahendra to enter the room! She was neither shy, nor petulant. Today, Mahendra was powerless. A culprit, he remained standing outside in silence, unable even to enter his mother’s room.
Even more amazing was the lack of constraint with which Asha had conversed with Bihari. It was Bihari she consulted on all matters. He was now the sole protector of the household, close to everyone’s heart. He had access everywhere, and all domestic arrangements were made according to his advice. Having temporarily left his niche, Mahendra had returned to find that his place in the household was no longer the same.
As soon as Bihari entered the room, Rajalakshmi turned her pitiful gaze upon him and asked, ‘Bihari, are you back?’
‘Yes, Ma, I’m back.’
‘Is your work done?’ She gazed eagerly at his face.
Bihari glanced outside the room. ‘Yes, Ma, my task is accomplished satisfactorily, now I have nothing to worry about,’ he answered cheerfully.
‘Today, Bouma will cook for you, and I shall supervise from here. The doctor tells me not to, but what use is it to forbid me anymore, my boy? Can’t I watch you people eat before I depart?’
‘I see no reason why the doctor should forbid you, Ma; without your supervision, how can we manage? Since childhood, we have learnt to love your cooking. Mahinda is tired of the dal-roti of the west; today, he will heave a sigh of relief when he gets to taste your machher jhol, the fish curry you make. Today, as in our childhood, we two brothers will vie with each other for servings of food; I hope your Bouma will be able to keep up with our demand for rice.’
Although Rajalakshmi understood that Bihari had brought Mahendra with him, the mention of his name still sent her heart racing. For a while, she found it difficult to breathe.
When she had recovered, Bihari informed her: ‘Travelling west has improved Mahinda’s health. Today he’s a little off colour after his journey, but once he has bathed and eaten, he will feel better.’
Rajalakshmi still did not say anything about Mahendra. Then Bihari coaxed: ‘Ma, Mahinda is standing outside; he can’t come in unless you call him.’
Without saying anything, Rajalakshmi glanced at the door. At once, Bihari called out: ‘Mahinda, come in.’
Mahendra slowly entered the room. Lest her heart suddenly stop beating, Rajalakshmi could not look Mahendra immediately in the face. She half-opened her eyes. Looking towards the bed, Mahendra started as if struck by a severe blow. He prostrated himself at his mother’s feet, clasping them to his bowed head. The pounding of her heart made Rajalakshmi’s entire body tremble.
‘Didi, ask Mahin to get up, or he will not rise,’ Annapurna gently suggested, after a while.
‘Stand up, Mahin,’ said Rajalakshmi with difficulty.
As soon as she uttered Mahin’s name, tears began to flow from her eyes, at last. The tears lightened the pain in her heart. Getting up, Mahendra knelt on the floor beside his mother, leaning his body against the bed. Turning over on her side with difficulty, Rajalakshmi took Mahendra’s head in both her hands, and kissed his forehead.
‘Ma, I have caused you a lot of suffering, please forgive me,’ begged Mahendra, in a choking voice.
When she had composed herself, Rajalakshmi replied, ‘Don’t say such things, Mahin. How would I live if I didn’t forgive you? Bouma! Where has Bouma gone?’
Asha was preparing the patient’s diet in the adjacent room. Annapurna went and called her.
Rajalakshmi motioned to Mahendra to a
rise from the floor and sit on the bed. When he had seated himself on the bed, Rajalakshmi indicated the space beside Mahendra and ordered Asha: ‘Bouma, you sit here. Today, I shall see the two of you seated side by side, and all my sorrows will vanish. Bouma, don’t be shy of me anymore. Sit here, and harbour no grudge against Mahendra in your heart. Let my eyes feast themselves on this sight, my little girl.’
Her head covered and with a trembling heart, Asha slowly came to sit beside Mahendra. Taking Asha’s right hand, Rajalakshmi placed it in Mahendra’s, and clasped them together. ‘I leave my little girl in your hands, Mahin. Remember my words: you will never find such an angel anywhere. Come, Mejobou, give them your blessings; may your virtue bring them good fortune.’
When Annapurna came and stood before them, the pair tearfully touched her feet. Kissing both of them on the head, Annapurna blessed them. ‘May the Lord bring good fortune to both of you.’
‘Bihari, come, my boy, offer Mahin your forgiveness,’ called Rajalakshmi.
When Bihari came and stood before Mahendra, the latter drew him close in a firm clasp, and the two embraced.
‘Mahin, this is my blessing to you,’ said Rajalakshmi. ‘May Bihari remain forever your friend, as he has been since childhood. There could be nothing more fortunate for you.’
Having spoken these words, Rajalakshmi became exhausted and fell silent. When Bihari brought a stimulating draught to her lips, she pushed his hand away. ‘No more medicines, baba. Now I shall take God’s name; He will give me my final medicine, the end of the world for me. Mahin, go and take some rest, the two of you. Bouma, you can start cooking the food.’
In the evening, Bihari and Mahendra sat down to dine on the floor near Rajalakshmi’s bed. Rajalakshmi had put Asha in charge; she began to serve them their food. Tears were welling up inside Mahendra’s breast; he was unable to swallow the rice. Rajalakshmi urged him repeatedly: ‘Mahin, why are you not eating anything? Eat properly, let me watch you.’
‘Ma, you know what Mahendra is like,’ Bihari remarked. ‘He can’t eat anything much. Bouthan, you must give me some more of that ghonto, it tastes wonderful.’
Pleased, Rajalakshmi smiled faintly. ‘I know Bihari is fond of that ghonto. Bouma, that is too little, give him a larger helping.’
‘This Bou of yours is very miserly, she doesn’t let much get past her hands,’ complained Bihari.
‘Look at this, Bouma! Bihari is such a traitor; he is criticizing you after enjoying your hospitality.’
Asha dealt out a huge serving of ghonto onto Bihari’s plate.
‘Alas!’ said Bihari. ‘I can see you want to fill my stomach with ghonto, and all the other delicacies will land on Mahinda’s plate.’
As she moved away, Asha whispered, ‘It is impossible to shut the mouth of a fault-finder.’
In a low voice, Bihari retorted, ‘Try giving me a sweet, then see if I shut my mouth or not.’
When the two friends had finished their dinner, Rajalakshmi felt deeply satisfied. ‘Bouma, go and eat quickly,’ she ordered.
‘Mahin, go to bed,’ Rajalakshmi said to Mahendra, when Asha had gone away to dine at her mother-in-law’s bidding.
‘Why should I go to bed so early?’
Mahendra had decided to tend to his mother during the night. Rajalakshmi refused to allow it. ‘You are tired, Mahin,’ she insisted. ‘Go to bed.’
Having dined, when Asha came with the fan to sit by the patient’s head, Rajalakshmi quietly told her: ‘Bouma, go and see if Mahendra’s bed has been made; he is alone.’
Cringing with embarrassment, Asha fled from the room. Only Bihari and Annapurna remained there.
‘Bihari, let me ask you something,’ said Rajalakshmi. ‘Can you tell me what happened to Binodini? Where is she now?’
‘Binodini is in Kolkata.’
Rajalakshmi asked Bihari a wordless question with her eyes. Bihari understood it. He said: ‘Where Binodini is concerned, you have nothing to fear, Ma.’
‘She has caused me much suffering, Bihari, but still, in my heart, I love her.’
‘She, too, secretly loves you, Ma.’
‘I feel that too, Bihari. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, but she was fond of me. No one could feign such devoted service.’
‘She is desperate to nurse you.’
‘Mahin and Asha have gone to bed, after all,’ sighed Rajalakshmi. ‘What harm in bringing her over at night, just for once?’
‘Ma, she is hiding in the outer room of this very house. I have not been able to make her take even a drop of water to her lips. She has vowed that she will not touch even water until you call her to you and grant her your forgiveness.’
‘She has fasted all day! Poor girl, please send for her; send for her at once!’
When Binodini walked in slowly, Rajalakshmi exclaimed, ‘For shame, Bou, what is this? Have you fasted all day? Go, go and have something to eat first, then we can talk.’
Touching Rajalakshmi’s feet, Binodini said, ‘First forgive this sinful woman, Pishima, then I shall eat.’
‘You are forgiven, my child, you are forgiven. I am no longer angry with anybody.’ Grasping Binodini’s right hand, she said, ‘Bou, may you cause no harm to anyone, and may you be well also.’
‘Your blessings will not be in vain, Pishima. I touch your feet and declare that I shall not bring misfortune to anyone in this world.’
After prostrating herself to touch Annapurna’s feet, Binodini went to dine. When she returned, Rajalakshmi looked at her and said, ‘Bou, are you off now?’
‘Pishima, I shall nurse you. As God is my witness, you have no evil to fear from me.’
Rajalakshmi glanced at Bihari. After pausing briefly to think, Bihari suggested: ‘Let Bouthan stay, Ma. It will do no harm.’
At night, together, Bihari, Binodini and Annapurna looked after Rajalakshmi.
Meanwhile, Asha got up very early in the morning, ashamed that she had not visited Rajalakshmi’s room during the night. Leaving Mahendra asleep in bed, she quickly washed her face, changed her clothes, got ready and came to the sickroom. The darkness had still not gone. Asha was amazed at the scene that met her eyes when she arrived at Rajalakshmi’s door. ‘Is this a dream?’ she wondered.
Binodini was warming some water over a spirit lamp. Tea was to be made for Bihari, who had not slept all night.
Seeing Asha, Binodini rose to her feet. ‘Today, I have come to you with all my sins, to seek your shelter; nobody can drive me away, but if you order me to go, I must leave at once,’ she said.
Asha could offer no reply. Overwhelmed, she could not clearly read the signals of her own heart.
‘You will never be able to forgive me,’ Binodini told her. ‘Don’t even try. But don’t be afraid of me anymore. Let me do some work as long as Pishima requires it. After that I shall go away.’
The previous day, when Rajalakshmi placed Asha’s hand in Mahendra’s, Asha had discarded all bitterness from her mind and surrendered herself completely to Mahendra. But today, at the sight of Binodini, the flames of resentment at her abruptly interrupted marriage flared up, refusing to be doused. Mahendra had loved this woman once; perhaps he secretly loved her still. The thought swelled up in her bosom like a wave. In a little while, Mahendra would wake up and see Binodini; who knew with what eyes he would behold her! The previous night, Asha had imagined her world cleared of all obstacles, but today, as soon as she awakened at dawn, she realized that the thorn in her flesh came from a plant in her very own backyard. In this world, the space for happiness is precariously constricted; there is no place where it can be kept completely safe from danger.
With a heavy heart, Asha entered Rajalakshmi’s room, and said, very shamefacedly, ‘Mashima, you have remained awake all night. Please go to bed now!’
Annapurna took a careful look at Asha’s face. Then, instead of going to bed, she took Asha to her own room. ‘Chuni, if you wish to be happy, don’t cling to all your memories,’ she advised. ‘The pain of dwe
lling on the wrongs done to us by other people far exceeds the little bit of pleasure we derive from condemning others for their guilt.’
‘Mashima, I don’t wish to harbour any negative thoughts in my mind. Indeed, I want to forget, but they won’t let me!’
‘My child, you are quite right. It’s easy to give advice, much harder to suggest a solution. But still, I shall suggest a way out for you. You must try with all your heart, inwardly and outwardly, to preserve the appearance of having forgotten. Begin with outward appearances first; then you will be able to forget inwardly, as well. Remember this, Chuni: if you can’t forget, you will keep alive the memories of other people, too! Even if you can’t accomplish this of your own free will, take it as an order from me, that you must behave with Binodini as if she has never done you any harm, and as if you fear no harm from her.’
‘Please tell me what I must do,’ asked Asha, humbly.
‘Binodini is making tea for Bihari. Carry all the required items—milk, sugar, teacups—to her, and perform the task together, the two of you.’
Asha got up to follow these instructions. Annapurna added: ‘This is easy, but I have another injunction which you must obey, although it is much more difficult. Sometimes, Mahendra is bound to come face to face with Binodini, and I know what you will feel at such moments. At such times, don’t make the slightest attempt, even with a secret sidelong glance, to observe Mahendra’s expression or Binodini’s. Even if your heart is full to bursting, you must remain unperturbed. Mahendra will gather that you don’t doubt him, bear no grief, have no fear in your heart, no worries. He will feel that after your reunion, things are exactly as they were before your separation, the cracks no longer visible. Neither Mahendra, nor anyone else, will feel like a culprit upon seeing your face. Chuni, this is not my request or advice, this is your Mashima’s command. When I go away to Kashi, don’t forget what I have said, not for a single day!’
Carrying the teacups and other items, Asha came to Binodini. ‘Is the water boiling? I have brought milk for the tea.’