“Me neither.” If I was being totally honest, I wanted to spend the rest of the day kissing her and not talking at all.
“I like you. I don’t know what that means, but I do. I like you and I want to kiss you and hold your hand and all of that other stuff. I want to be with you, with you,” she said. “If you want to be with me?”
I opened my mouth to answer her and then shut it. In spite of spending my entire night thinking and wondering and running through what if scenarios in my head, I still didn’t know what to say.
“This is a lot,” I said, finally. “I don’t know what this means. Because I like you too. I have liked you since we met. I didn’t know that’s what it was, but then I kissed you and it was so obvious. I didn’t plan for this, Cordelia. I didn’t come to college expecting to kiss a girl. I didn’t expect to go to college and to have these kinds of feelings for my roommate.” I twisted my fingers together so hard that my knuckles cracked.
“I didn’t plan for it either, but I wouldn’t change how it happened. I’ve never felt this way, Chase. Never. About anyone. You came into my life and now I’m questioning everything. And I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing. You’re just ... oh my god, Chase, you’re just incredible and I feel lucky that I even get to be around you at all.” I could feel my cheeks getting red.
She got up and sat right in front of me. Her fingers reached out and stroked my cheek.
“You’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met.” Her voice was quiet and I could barely breathe.
“No, you’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met.” My hands stopped clutching each other and I wrapped some of her curls around my fingers.
“So I guess that means you want to be with me?” she asked.
“I don’t know what that means, but I’m willing to try.” It was such a gamble. It was a potential disaster. What if we tried to be together and then broke up? There were so many questions still to be answered.
“Okay, then. We’re doing this. Together. We’re ... dating? Is that what we’re doing?” That didn’t seem like the right word, even though that was what we were essentially doing. Dating a girl.
That was hitting me, and I stood up.
“What are we going to tell people? What are we going to say when they ask? What are we going to tell our parents?” I started pacing around the room until Cordelia put her hands on my shoulders and stopped me.
“I think we should talk to Kyle and Stella. They know what we’re going through. Stella told me all about how they got together and told their parents and everything. They were seniors in high school, so it wasn’t that long ago. We can trust them.” I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to share this, but more than that, I didn’t want to feel so ... lost.
“I guess,” I said.
“You don’t sound convincing, Chase.” I didn’t feel convincing.
“No, it’s okay. They have been nice to us and I like them. I’m just scared.” She laughed and I gave her a look.
“That makes two of us.”
CORDELIA
We agreed to wait until Sunday before talking to Stella and Kyle, but then changed our minds when we realized we couldn’t sit in our room and be all awkward and weird with each other, so we headed down the hall. I thought about texting Stella first, but I figured she would be doing homework, or we could just come back another time.
Chase made me knock, which I did with a subtly shaking hand.
Elise opened the door. I had never seen her in a less-than-awesome outfit. Today she had a pink peplum top with white polka dots and dark jeans. What made me laugh, though, were the shoes with cat faces on them on her feet.
“Hey, what’s up?” she asked.
“Is Stella around?” I asked. Elise shook her head.
“She and Kyle went out a few hours ago on a date, but they should be back soon, she texted me a few minutes ago. Do you want to just come in and wait?” I looked at Chase, who nodded before I said yes.
Chase was pale and she almost looked like she was going to be sick. I didn’t know what to do to help her because I was having my own freak-out.
I hadn’t really slept either. I’d kept waking up and telling myself if I just pretended I was asleep, that sleep would eventually happen. It didn’t until the early morning and I was exhausted. Still, Chase looked like she’d had an even worse time, so I didn’t want to say anything.
“Everything okay?” Elise asked. Her hair was in a perfect sock bun that I could never make my mane of a hair do. I was a tiny bit envious.
“Uh, yeah. We just needed to talk to Stella. And Kyle,” I said. Chase still looked like she was going to puke. She sat down heavily on Stella’s bed.
“Okay,” she said. It was completely obvious that something was up, but Elise didn’t pry.
“I know you don’t know me that well, but I’m a really good listener,” she said, hopping on her bed and scrolling through her phone.
“Oh, it’s not ...” I trailed off. Chase gave me a panicked look and I thought she was going to physically run from the room when Stella and Kyle walked in.
“Oh, hey. I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Stella said. Kyle came in after her and sat down next to Chase on Kyle’s bed.
“Yeah, we, um, needed to talk to you? About something?” Stella looked at me and then looked at Chase and then looked at Kyle.
“And you too, Kyle,” I added, looking at her. She raised her eyebrows.
“Just pretend I’m not even here,” Elise said, not looking up from her phone. “Or I can take a walk. No big.”
I looked at Chase.
“You can stay, Elise,” she said. That made Elise smile and she pushed her purple glasses up on her nose.
I sat down on Chase’s other side. I definitely needed to be sitting for this whole thing. Stella took the chair from her desk. All eyes were on me, which wasn’t new, but it was intimidating right now.
“Do you want me to talk?” I asked Chase. She nodded and pressed her lips together. I had the feeling she was going to be pretty quiet during this whole thing. I had to be our voice. I could do that.
“So, um, Chase and I are, uh, together? I think? We just talked about it this morning and now we’re both kind of wondering what comes next. And neither of us has ever liked another girl before. And what do we tell our parents? And what about other people? And do we have to figure ourselves out now? Are we lesbians?” My voice kept getting higher and I had to snap my jaw shut so I didn’t pour all of the questions out of my mouth on them.
Chase reached over and squeezed my shoulder. I looked at her and smiled.
“Awwww.” Stella was the first one to break the silence. “Don’t you remember when we were like that?” She turned to Kyle and they smiled at each other.
“Okay, first of all, I would like to hug both of you, if that’s okay,” Elise said, getting up. I accepted the hug and so did Chase.
“This is not easy. We’ve all been there.” Stella and Kyle nodded.
“Seriously. Not that long ago,” Kyle said. “It’s awful.” I nodded and Chase started crying. My first reaction was to gather her into my arms and stroke her hair, so I did. Elise produced some tissues and I dabbed at Chase’s eyes.
“It’s just so much,” Chase said. I kissed her forehead and wiped a few more tears.
“It is,” Stella said. “It’s a lot, but you’re not alone. You have all of us here to support you, okay?”
Chase nodded and blew her nose.
“I just never thought this would be me,” she said.
“Ditto,” I said.
“Same,” Kyle and Stella said.
“Yup,” Elise agreed. “Because heterosexual and cis is the default. I didn’t know I was pansexual and asexual until I was sixteen. It took me months to come to terms with it and tell my parents.”
“I know my dad wouldn’t care,” I said. “He’s always loved me no matter what.”
“Same with my parents,” Chase said. “I know they would supp
ort me. But how could I be so wrong about myself?”
“Yeah, we know about that one,” Stella said. “Sometimes we don’t even know we’re lying to ourselves. You can bury something so deep that it takes an entire lifetime to surface.” That made sense. I kissed Chase on the forehead again.
“You okay?” I asked. She looked up at me and sniffed.
“I guess. I’m just overwhelmed with it all, Cordelia. I just want to stop thinking about everything.”
“Let’s go out. Let’s go out and do something and not talk about this for a while. Give you a mental break. How about that?” Kyle said, standing up.
“What do you think?” I said to Chase and she nodded.
“I feel bad that you all are taking care of us. Thank you. You didn’t have to,” Chase said. I put my arm around her and she leaned against me.
“Hey, this is what we do for people we care about. We’re here for you for anything,” Stella said. How was it that we had such good people around us? We were so lucky.
“I know what we should do. Come on, we can take my van,” Elise said, grabbing her keys. She had about ten different things attached to her keychain. “Do you mind if Eli comes? They should be just getting out of work.”
“The more the merrier,” I said, and she texted them.
“Another mystery trip,” Chase said. “I’m guessing this one won’t be to a bookstore, though.”
“Hey, does that count as our first date?” I asked as we went toward the elevator.
“I don’t think so. It can’t be a date if neither of us knew it was a date, can it?”
I laughed.
“I guess not.”
We got in Elise’s van that she told us was named “Carla.” I was pretty sure the van was older than us all, combined, but at least we all fit. Elise drove us down to the dining commons where Eli worked.
“Hey, hot stuff, need a ride?” Elise yelled out the window and honked the horn. Eli loped over with their white chef’s jacket folded over their arm.
“Only if you’re offering,” they said with a wink before coming around and hopping into the passenger seat.
“I’m sorry if I smell like fries. I was on the grill tonight,” they said.
“Well, I wasn’t hungry until now,” Kyle said and we all laughed as Elise headed off campus. Eli took off their hair net and inspected their hair in the mirror.
“You couldn’t have given me ten minutes to fix my hair?” they said, pouting at Elise.
“There’s a comb and gel in the glovebox, sweetheart. And I have a bottle of water.”
Eli leaned over and smacked a kiss on Elise’s cheek.
“You, Elise Monroe, are an angel.”
She grinned.
“I know.”
I looked over at Chase and she was looking at the couple wistfully. I reached over and took her hand, squeezing her fingers gently.
“Hey,” I said, and she smiled at me.
“Hey.”
Eight
Chase
“Bowling?” I said when we all piled out of the van.
“Yup. Good old-fashioned fun. Plus, the shoes are totally cute. And they have really good pizza here,” Elise said, slamming the doors of the van shut.
“Come on, let’s do this,” Kyle said. “I’m going to kick all of your asses.”
She and Stella headed toward the doors and I looked at Cordelia.
“Come on, let’s go put on some smelly shoes and not think about shit for a while.” That sounded like a plan. I thought about taking her hand, but I definitely wasn’t ready to be holding her hand in public. Eli put their arm around Elise, and Kyle and Stella were mostly attached to each other, but it didn’t feel like we were the odd ones out.
I had a hard time with new people, but I had warmed up to them faster than I expected. Kyle and Stella were cute and hilarious, and Elise was sharp and witty, but so kind and understanding, and Eli made observations that were so smart and funny that we were all cracking up as we got our bowling shoes and picked our lanes.
“Let’s do three teams?” Elise suggested, so she combined her name with Eli’s to make Eelliise, Kyle and Stella became Style and they put my name together with Cordelia’s to make Chord.
“We’re not even really together and we already have a ship name,” Cordelia said as Elise entered the name into the computer.
She grinned at me and I felt my heart tremble. I really did like her a lot. She was right next to me and I just leaned over and kissed her. She froze, like she had the first time, but she responded a second later and kissed me back, harder than I expected, and I had to pull away so we didn’t go too far. She gave me one more little peck.
“You’re always kissing me first. Someday I’m going to beat you to it,” she said. I laughed and she kissed the tip of my nose. I heard noises and remembered that we were in the middle of a crowded bowling alley.
“Shit,” I whispered and took a second to look around.
Kyle and Stella were cuddled next to each other, as were Elise and Eli.
“You two are seriously cute,” Stella said. I didn’t dare look beyond those four faces at the other people in the bowling alley. It was Sunday night, so it was packed. If I looked around and saw someone disgusted with the fact that I had kissed Cordelia, that would have wrecked me. I didn’t even know how I would deal with that. How I will deal with that, if Cordelia and I decide to do this for real.
“Hey,” Cordelia said, putting a finger under my chin. “Stop thinking about it.” I met her eyes. They were pure green tonight.
“I can’t,” I said. I felt like I was going to cry.
“Come on, it’s our turn.” She stood up and reached for my hand. I took it and she led me over to the lane and handed me a ball.
I looked at her and she smiled.
“Go ahead, C,” she said.
“C?” I asked, raising one eyebrow.
She shrugged one shoulder.
“I don’t know, I think it’s cute.” It was cute. She was cute.
“Kiss for luck?” I meant the bowling ball, but she popped up on her toes and planted a kiss on my lips.
“Good luck!” I was stunned for a moment. Cordelia literally put her hands on my shoulders and turned me toward the lane. Right, bowling. Kissing Cordelia made me silly.
I wasn’t a great bowler, but I tossed the ball and knocked down a few pins. I handed it to Cordelia to get the spare and she nailed it with perfect form.
“So ... you’re a professional bowler?” I asked when she did a little jump as the pins went down.
“Um, it’s just something me and my dad do together. Every weekend.” Her cheeks were red with happiness and I wanted to kiss her again, but I held back.
“We’re screwed,” Kyle said as she stood up and Stella helped her hoist the ball and then toss it. Between the two of them they got a strike and they were pretty smug about it.
Eli also turned out to be an incredible bowler and my confidence was plummeting.
“Don’t worry, you’re still cuter and smarter than me,” Cordelia said in my ear.
“No one is cuter or smarter than you,” I said in her ear and she laughed. I loved her laugh. It was bright and free and wonderful.
As the night wore on, I relaxed. I forgot about the other people around me and focused in on our little group. I had fun and I let myself go. I hadn’t done that in ages. It was hard for me to let go. I had to feel completely comfortable with the people I was with to relax.
I let myself cuddle close to Cordelia and steal a kiss here and there. I didn’t want to not kiss her, so the solution was to kiss her. She kissed me a few times too, probably to make up for me initiating so many of them.
It was ... easy. Being with Cordelia that way was easy. The hard part had been putting up barriers between us. Constantly convincing myself that my feelings for her weren’t romantic. Constantly telling myself I couldn’t feel that way about her because she was a girl and I didn’t like girls that way.
r /> I still hadn’t gotten my head around if I liked girls, period, or of it was just Cordelia. Right now, I was going to let myself enjoy bowling with Cordelia and kissing her, and I was going to worry about that tomorrow. If I could let myself do that.
“I HATE YOU ALL,” STELLA said. She was grumpy about coming in third in bowling. Cordelia and I came in second, with Eli wiping the floor with us all.
“I can’t help it that I have natural talent,” they said, smirking.
“You’re going to be insufferable now, aren’t you?” Elise said, but she was grinning.
“Possibly,” they said and gave Elise a peck on the cheek.
“You’re pretty much always insufferable,” Elise said.
“But you love me anyway,” Eli said.
Elise sighed. “I do.”
We all stuffed ourselves with pizza, except Eli, who got wings because they had Celiac disease.
“Are you having fun?” Cordelia whispered in my ear. She knew I had a hard time in social situations, but I was having a really good time.
“Yeah, I am. I’m really glad I’m here with you,” I said, and she kissed my cheek.
“I’m happy that you let me kiss you. I like kissing you.” Her eyes sparkled and I wondered if she was remembering when we’d kissed yesterday on her bed. I got tingly just thinking about it. My blood raced and I had the urge to pull her to her feet and press her up against the wall and attack her mouth. I was grateful no one could read my mind because those kinds of thoughts were unusual for me. I had never thought about doing that with anyone before. With Cordelia, everything was different.
I wanted to do so many things with her. I thought about what it would be like to touch her body. To touch her all over. To kiss her all over. To do everything with her.
“You’re blushing,” Cordelia said, running a finger down one of my cheeks. I jumped.
“Am I? Guess I’m just hot.”
“Yeah, you are really hot,” she said with a grin. I was too busy trying to tamp down the lust that had surged in my blood. Was that what being turned on felt like? This was a new experience. I would have rather not had it at a bowling alley, but it definitely wasn’t unpleasant.