One evening, they had gotten into an elevator of a high rise, one with a glass wall so they could look out over the coastline as they ascended. Then the elevator had stopped suddenly. Erin had assumed the elevator was stuck, and she had actually been nervous about being trapped.
Until Seth had started to position her, gently pushing her forward so that she was facing the glass wall. Then he’d pressed his body up against her back. He’d taken her like that, hard and fast and dangerous, in a stopped elevator in a lavish high rise, as Erin had stared down with wild eyes at the lush stretches of sky and sea and sand. She’d come so hard she been stifling screams, her skirt bunched up around her hips, her hands clawing at the smooth surface of the glass, Seth pushing into her rhythmically from behind and speaking the most erotic, thick mutters into her ear.
She’d later found out that he had gotten the key from the building manager to stop the elevator on purpose.
After reimagining the memory for several minutes, Erin was hot and deeply aroused, with no other source of relief but her hand.
She used it, as she’d used it nearly every night since Seth had been gone. She seemed to be hornier than ever this year, while ironically having no outlet for her surge of hormones since Seth was seldom around.
After she’d rubbed herself into a quick, efficient orgasm—not a very satisfying one—she got up, went into the bathroom, washed her hands, brushed her teeth, and got back into bed.
When she closed her eyes, she was bombarded with other memories.
Seth, not just when he was arousing her, touching her, making her come. But when he was holding her afterwards. When he was sweet, or funny, or dryly cynical. When he was playing with the girls. When he'd had dinner with them on a regular basis, and often breakfast too. When he and Erin had spent leisurely Saturday mornings in bed, sometimes on their own, sometimes with Mackenzie.
Erin remembered those months so vividly, after Anna was born—perhaps the happiest of Erin’s whole life—when Seth had been committed to spending as much time with them as possible. When he’d been more openly loving with her and with his daughters than he’d ever been before…and had ever been since.
It wasn’t that Seth had—or ever would—stop loving them. Erin knew how much he adored them, knew that would never change. But she should have known all along that kind of cozy domesticity couldn’t last forever.
Seth was an intensely complicated man, and he’d lived most of his life alone, clawing his way to the top, pouring his soul into career ambitions as an attempt to shape a secure place for himself into the world.
He hadn’t ever stopped loving them, but other things had been progressively distracting him from them.
And now it just wasn’t like it used to be.
Sometimes, all four of them had piled on the big bed in the mornings. Anna, still a baby in Erin’s arms. Erin leaning against Seth’s side, his arm draped around her. Mackenzie cuddled between the two of them, tiny and affectionate, trying to be near her new little sister.
Those memories were just as powerful to Erin as the memories of any lovemaking she and Seth had ever shared, and somehow even more heartbreaking.
The tears that had been lingering in her eyes all evening spilled over at last, and she cried in choked little sobs into her pillow.
It wasn’t just that she missed Seth—although she missed him so much it seemed to tear her apart. But there was something else there too, something heavy and unspeakable. A lurking awareness she couldn’t yet acknowledge, but that made her sob even harder.
She didn’t cry for long, still trying her best not to feel sorry for herself when she really had a very good life. But it was a long time before she fell into an uneasy sleep, since even after two o’clock she was vaguely hoping that Seth might still call.
Hoping that he wanted to talk to her so much that he’d call her anyway, no matter what time it was.
There had been a time when Seth had wanted Erin—even just to talk to—that much.
***
Erin woke up later than usual the following morning.
In fact, she was awakened by a little hand patting her on the cheek.
“Mommy still sleeping!” It was a piercing, childish voice.
Erin managed to pry her eyelids up. Saw Anna smiling at her proudly.
With some effort, Erin was able to smile back, smothering her instinctive grumbles at such a rude awakening. “Hi, sweetie.”
“Hi,” Anna pulled down the back of her short nightgown, which had been accidentally tucked into her panties. “Daddy comes home today?”
“Yes. Daddy comes home.” She rubbed her eyes and saw that Anna’s expression was pleading with her silently. Erin knew why, so she reached out her arm invitingly. “Did you want to get under the covers with me?”
Anna’s face relaxed into another smile, and she eagerly climbed into bed, cuddling up against Erin.
Groggily, Erin glanced at the clock and saw that it wasn’t even seven o’clock. “Did you wake up early this morning?”
“Mac woke up first.”
“Where is she?”
“She's reading.” Then Anna added with subdued outrage in her tone, “She said not to bug her.”
“Well, this way you get to snuggle with me until it’s time for breakfast.”
Anna giggled happily. She’d always been more naturally cuddly than Mackenzie, another trait she got from her mother as opposed to her father.
Erin relaxed and enjoyed the quiet minutes with her daughter, not really in any hurry to get up. They were getting to the end of the summer now, so they might as well enjoy the leisurely days while they could.
About fifteen minutes later, Anna had dozed off again and Erin was well on her way herself, but then she heard Mackenzie call out from the hallway, “Mommy!”
“We’re in bed, pumpkin.” She wondered why kids always resorted to yelling instead of investigating someone’s location for themselves.
Anna was awake again by the time Mackenzie padded into the bedroom in her bare feet. She was holding Erin’s tablet, which she often played games on.
“Daddy’s on the internet,” Mackenzie announced as she approached the bed.
“Is he?” Erin asked, only vaguely curious. Seth’s picture was online a lot, ever since he’d become a minor celebrity when he’d successfully defended a professional basketball player in a trial that made national headlines.
Mackenzie’s face, however, was tight and worried, and her blue-gray eyes were huge as she added, “He’s kissing a lady.”
“What?” Erin demanded in surprise, instinctively reaching out for tablet.
“See?” Mackenzie affirmed, pointing to the picture.
Only then did Erin realize her daughter had somehow stumbled on a particular tabloid blog, one Erin knew very well, since it often posted gossip about Seth and had been the source of much angst for Erin in the past.
Seth was indeed in a posted photograph.
Kissing another woman.
He was dressed up in evening clothes, as was the woman. They must have been at a cocktail party or something, and Seth was just kissing the woman’s cheek.
In fact, Erin now recognized the woman—knew she was the wife of one of Seth’s coworkers. The kiss was tame and harmless. Probably just a gesture of friendliness or courtesy.
But that didn’t stop Erin from burning with hurt, humiliation, and dismay as she saw her husband splashed over the main page of a tabloid blog, with his hands and his lips on another woman.
Both Anna and Mackenzie were now peering over and staring at the picture too. Mackenzie was trying to read the headlines. “What does sor-did mean?” she asked, sounding out the word as Erin had taught her.
“It means something very silly,” Erin replied distractedly. She tried to always take her daughters’ questions seriously—but she was not going to explain what it meant that the blog claimed their father was having a sordid affair.
“Why is Daddy kissing that lady?” Anna
asked.
Erin, by now, had managed to pull herself together. She smiled casually, determined not to worry her daughters by her own involuntary reaction to this. “Daddy is just being nice to this lady, but the blog is making it sound like something bad is happening.”
Anna frowned down at the picture again.
“See,” Mackenzie said helpfully, pointing at a detail in the picture. “He’s kissing the lady’s cheek. Not her mouth, like he kisses Mommy. Sometimes he kisses Aunt Stella’s cheek too.”
“Oh,” Anna said, as if this detail resolved everything. She gazed at her sister admiringly.
Erin sighed, wondering how it was possible that her daughters—four and six years old—would have to figure things like this out. Would have to deal with slurs against their father’s character and have to reconcile them with the daddy they knew.
Erin stared at the picture again. She knew it was exactly what she’d explained to Anna. It was nothing. Never—never—would she suspect that Seth had cheated on her.
Seth’s unshakeable commitment to anything important in his life was at the core of his nature. He’d never cheat on her with someone else.
But, still, Erin couldn’t help but feel an irrational pang of jealousy. Of resentment. Of rage and grief both. That this other woman had been so close to Seth. That he’d looked at her with that warm smile in his eyes. That he’d liked her so much he’d kissed her cheek like that.
It wasn’t romantic or sexual, but he was close to this woman in the picture—if only momentarily.
It felt like forever since Erin had been that close to her own husband.
Mackenzie and Anna had been having a serious conversation while Erin mulled this over. She was finally distracted when Mackenzie asked her, “What’s this word, Mommy?”
Erin glanced over. Answered without thinking. “Domestic.”
Mackenzie had been reading for a year and a half now, after Erin's focused attention to teaching her early. And now she was showing off her skill, moving her finger beneath each word as she read out loud to her sister, who was listening with attentive awe: “Seth Thomas (that’s Daddy, you know) is finally bored with dom-est-ic life, since he spent a hot evening with—”
“Mackenzie,” Erin said sharply, finally coming to her senses and hearing what her daughter was reading. “That’s enough. We don’t need to read that nonsense.”
The girl frowned, obviously surprised by her mother’s terseness. “I was just—”
“I know, pumpkin. I didn’t mean to be crabby. But there’s no reason for us to read mean things about Daddy when we know they’re not true.”
Anna nodded resolutely. “No mean things ‘bout Daddy.”
Mackenzie put down the tablet. She was stubborn and unusually precocious, but she was fairly obedient for the most part.
“How did you find that story, anyway?” Erin asked.
Frowning in concern, Mackenzie explained, “It popped up in your email. I didn’t know it was bad.”
Erin knew exactly who’d sent her that story. Mary Carlyle, whose blog this was, held a grudge for a really long time.
“It’s nothing to worry about,” Erin concluded with a big smile, knowing she had to move past this or Mackenzie in particular wouldn’t stop brooding about it. Her daughter was extremely intuitive—she always knew when something was wrong. “Are you getting hungry?”
On hearing their affirmative response, Erin said, “Why don’t we make pancakes today?”
This announcement, of course, produced loud enthusiasm from both of her daughters, and it successfully distracted them from the story on the blog.
As she reached the door of the bedroom on her way to the kitchen, Anna turned back toward her mother. “Daddy comes home today?”
“Yes,” Erin assured her again. “Daddy comes home today.”
Both girls scampered barefoot down the hall, still in their colorful nightgowns, with tangled hair of red and gold.
“Daddy damned well better come home today,” Erin muttered to herself, deleting the email from her inbox and trying to rid her mind of the image of Seth kissing another woman, even in an innocuous way.
She’d assumed Seth had been working constantly, but apparently he’d had enough time to go to a party and kiss someone else.
Erin glanced in the mirror. Her hair was just as messy as the girls’, and she’d put on a few pounds in the last month, so her curves were a little bit too curvy in her sloppy pajamas. She looked horrible. Couldn’t really be surprised that Seth wasn’t rushing home to this.
Shaking her head ruefully, she rid herself of the stupid thought. She knew Seth loved her. Loved the girls. But she also knew that he made choices every day. He could make more choices to prioritize his family over work—if he’d really wanted to.
In weak moments, she couldn’t help but wonder if she just hadn’t made domestic life exciting enough to compel him to spend much time at home.
For years, Seth’s career had given him his security and sense of self. He’d changed in the last six years, but people rarely changed completely. His work would always have the tendency to pull him away from his family.
The lurking awareness she’d been conscious of for too long rose up in a sudden burst of resentment.
“Do you hear me?” she muttered again, under her breath, staring at Seth’s side of the bed before the girls demanded her presence in the kitchen to make them pancakes. “You damned well better get your ass home today.”
***
Erin took the girls to the zoo that afternoon, so they wouldn’t get hyper waiting for Seth to return.
When they got back to the apartment, she remembered to check her messages.
Seth had left her one.
He sounded stressed and exhausted—Erin knew how to recognize the signs. Whatever he was working on must have been beating him down. His voice was hoarse from fatigue and frustration, and it sounded like he had to pause during the message occasionally to rub his face or clear his eyes.
But Erin didn’t have much pity left when she got to the end of the message.
“Hi. It’s me. It’s…actually, I have no idea what time it is. Anyway, I’m still here. Things are a mess, and I can’t get away. We’ve been working all night and still have several hours left. Sorry. I’ll leave as soon as I can and should be back tomorrow afternoon. I won’t be able to call before bedtime, so say goodnight to the girls for me and that I’ll see them tomorrow. I hope things are better there than they are here. Talk to you soon. Bye.”
Erin was shaking so much when his voice finally faded off that she had to steady herself with her hands on the dresser.
The lurking awareness was fully formed in her mind now. She knew what it meant. Knew she’d have to deal with it. Soon.
She took a shuddering breath.
Pulled herself together.
Went to tell her happy, excited daughters that their daddy wasn’t coming home today after all.
Two
It was almost midnight the following evening when Seth finally made it home.
Erin had been in bed for more than an hour, but she hadn’t been able to get to sleep. She heard the subtle sounds of Seth entering the apartment, putting down his stuff, making his way down the hall to their bedroom.
Then she felt him standing in the middle of their room for a minute, and she was sure he was watching her as she lay motionless in bed, facing away from him.
Soon, she heard the sounds of his taking off his jacket and shoes. Then a rustle of fabric—probably removing his tie.
He walked over to the bed and lowered himself beside her without speaking. Scooted over until he was spooning her from behind, his arms going around her all the way.
Erin felt strange. Half of her was flooded with relief and a kind of homecoming at the feel of his strong, warm body against hers, at the feel of his familiar arms around her.
But the rest of her was so angry. So tired. So overwhelmed with the heavy weight of awareness in her gu
t that just wouldn’t go away.
And with the unshakeable certainty that something had changed.
Seth was breathing behind her, and his long, heavy exhales were a sure sign that he was relaxing, unwinding—after who knew how many days of stress and hard work. He must know she was awake, since he wasn’t trying to be discreet or careful as he held her against him.
She knew how much he needed this—needed his home and his family, the only place he could let go a little of the ruthless grip he held on the world. She felt a little pang of tenderness as she felt his warm breath blowing against her hair and skin, but when he lowered his face to kiss the side of her neck, she couldn’t help but turn her head to ease her neck away from his mouth.
Seth grew momentarily still behind her, as if assessing what had caused the atypical reaction from her.
“You’re angry,” he murmured at last, still holding her against him, but not making any further advances.
“A little,” she admitted, her voice cracking strangely, as if she hadn’t used it in a long time. “But it’s more than that. It’s…” She had no way to put into words what it was, so she concluded weakly, “You’ve been gone a really long time.”
Seth released a long sigh and slowly rubbed her belly over the fabric of her cotton pajamas. “I know. I was gone too long.”
His admission of this undeniable fact didn’t seem to change anything about the situation or about Erin’s inner turmoil. She replied stiffly, “Yes. It was too long.”
He sighed again and brushed a kiss into her hair. Then he pulled back and said, “I’ll be right back. I’m just going to look in on the girls.”
“Don’t wake them up,” she said, her voice sharper than she’d intended. “It took me forever to get them to sleep.”
They’d had another difficult evening before bed. Both of the girls had been crying again because their daddy hadn’t arrived as promised, before the end of what they considered the day.
“I won’t wake them,” he murmured, moving in bare feet to the door of their room. “I just want to see them.”