And one more thing. Donna told me to write everything down in detail. So I have one more detail to add. I love being in love. I love the way I wake each morning, and as soon as I do, I think about Todd and how I’m wildly, completely in love with him, and I smile.
I’ve been smiling all the time lately. Nothing gets me down. Last week Katie said I had that mysterious glow of love in my cheeks. She said it looked as if my eyes were always laughing about some secret and that even my posture was improved. That made me laugh. She said Todd’s love for me had made me beautiful and that my love for him was healing him.
All I know is that love has enabled me to soar higher into the heavens and into my relationship with God than I ever have gone before. Love has given me breath, as I’ve plunged deeper into the ocean of understanding and patience. Love has focused my eyes to the minutest details, as minor as a ladybug inching across a daisy petal. At the same time, love has enlarged my embrace so I can gather friends and family closer to my heart than ever before.
Love is . . . oh, how I wish I had the words. Love is God’s greatest gift and His most cherished reward. It is the echo of His own heart, sounded back to Him by us, His children, so that a decaying world might see firsthand the power of resurrection and new life. Love is all I know in my world right now.
I feel like laughing at my own giddiness.
I realize that I’m such a virgin in every way. I have never tasted a sensation as intoxicating as being in love. It has me reeling. Ha! I’m emotionally drunk on God’s greatest gift, love. Imagine that!
November 21
Hello, Silent Sister.
I got baptized tonight. I’ve been thinking about it for quite a while, and tonight seemed the right time to respond to the invitation at church. It was an important, sacred moment. When I came up out of the water, the pastor said, “Go in peace, for Christ Jesus, the Lord of your life, will be with you always.”
And that’s what I feel. His peace.
November 24
Hi, Silent Sis.
This should be interesting. Todd and his dad are coming for Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ house. Uncle Bob and Aunt Marti are, too. Ever since Todd’s accident, she seems to be re-entering her marriage. She didn’t move to Santa Fe like she said she was going to. I don’t know what she’s been going through, but I’ve been praying for her.
December 10
Silent Sis, are you ready for this?!
TODD PROPOSED!!!
Tonight! I still can’t believe it! Well, I can believe it. Obviously I’ve been waiting for this, but the way he did it was pure Todd, all Todd. Oh, I’m so happy. So, so happy!
We all went to this new café and Christian bookstore called The Dove’s Nest, and Rick was there. He’s the manager! Crazy, huh? None of us knew. A whole group went, and the guys set up a joke on Katie as soon as they saw Rick, and he pulled it off flawlessly. But that’s not what I want to write about. I mean, it was great fun and everything, but here’s how Todd proposed.
Katie bought these candy hearts at Bargain Barn, her favorite place to shop. They were the sort of candy that has a short message on each piece. I don’t know how old these were, but they had messages like “page me” and “sweet lips.” We were going through them at the table, reading the messages, and Todd put one of the hearts in front of me that said, “Marry me.” I didn’t think anything of it.
Well, actually, I thought about when Katie urged me to make that Valentine’s card for him with the same sort of candy hearts, and I had glued them to the card. Todd told me later that he peeled them off and ate them!
No one was eating the candy hearts at the table tonight. They were passing them around; so when Todd put a second candy heart in front of me that said, “Marry me,” if you can believe this, I said, “I already have one of those.” I was trying to make a sentence out of the phrases. I know, what a goof, right?
But then Todd put a third candy heart in front of me, and it also said, “Marry me.” He lined all three of them up and said, “There. Once it’s spoken three times, it’s established. Forever.”
I froze. I mean, inside I was freaking out. I knew this was it. He was really, truly, finally asking me to marry him!!!
Then he went down on one knee beside my chair, took my hands in his and said—oh! I get shivers just thinking of this—”Kilikina, my Kilikina, will you marry me?”
I immediately said, “Yes.” It was barely a whisper. Then again I said, “yes” a little more loudly. Then to establish it, I said it a third time. “Yes! Todd, my Todd, I will marry you.”
It was like the whole world stopped for just that fraction of a second. All I could hear was my heart beating, but I imagined it was my heart in rhythm with Todd’s—two hearts beating as one.
The astounding thing was that all this happened between the two of us, and no one else seemed to notice. Katie asked Todd if he was on the ground because he had dropped one of the hearts. Then Katie looked at the line up of “Marry me” hearts in front of me, and she let out the biggest scream.
It was crazy after that. Hugs, cheers, kisses, and tears all around. All of our Forever Friends were there. Even Doug and Tracy. Oh, I will never forget this moment. Todd, oh, my Todd, you certainly surprised me. I didn’t see it coming. Isn’t it so like Todd to be spontaneous and yet in the spontaneity the truest feelings are all right on the surface and it feels so real? Right from the heart.
I LOVE TODD SPENCER, AND I AM GOING TO MARRY HIM!!!
December 15
Christmas is in the air, Silent Sis!
My mom wanted to put a particular verse on our Christmas cards this year; so she asked me to look up the one about Jesus being the Prince of Peace. I found it for her. It’s Isaiah 9:6 “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
But when I was looking for that verse I found some other verses in Isaiah that I really liked. I knew I had to write them here because they definitely relate to what I’ve been feeling ever since Todd proposed. The verses are in Isaiah 43:11, 13, 18 and 19.
I, even I, am the LORD, and apart from me there is no savior . . . . Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it? . . . Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
To that question I wholeheartedly answer, “Yes, I do see it! I feel it spring up inside me every time Todd and I are together. Being engaged is a brand-new thing.” I know this might be over-spiritualizing our engagement (not like Todd would ever do something like that—ha!), but I really feel as if God had this all planned out from long ago. Even through all the ups and downs that Todd and I went through, when it was the right time, it was like God put everything together for us.
Yesterday I was wishing I hadn’t gone to Switzerland for so long because I missed that whole year of being with Todd. But we’re together now, and I’m not going to dwell on the past. Why go back and get stuck in the land of “if only”? God is doing a new thing with us. This is the time for us to move forward together and enjoy every minute of it.
And yes, I do realize that my saying God had planned from long ago for Todd and me to end up together could launch a whole tangled theological discussion with some of my friends here at Rancho Corona. So I won’t say it to them. I’ll just say it to you, my wonderful Silent Sis. You are a pro at keeping my thoughts just between us.
That brings up a point. Hmmm. I hadn’t thought of this before. Do you think I should ever let Todd read this? Would he be at all interested in what I’ve thought about ever since I first met him? Or do only women get into all this reflecting and processing on paper?
I’ll have to think about whether I want him to read my dia
ry. It’s not like I have anything in here to hide from him. It’s just weird to think about sharing any of this since for so long I’ve come here to process what I was thinking about him. Do I want him to know what I was thinking?
Okay. Enough reflecting. I need to run. Or as my fiancé has always said, “Later.”
(Hee-hee! I just wrote fiancé with the little accent and everything! Why is it that I am just giddy over all these little happy bits that come with being engaged?)
December 28
Well, Silent Sister,
I have learned so many interesting things about what happens once you become engaged. Here are a few of my observations:
1) You lose a significant number of brain cells so that you have to double-think every question on every exam, and you forget what you told people and where you put things.
2) Making a final decision on wedding basics such as your engagement ring becomes all-consuming.
3) Your immune system caves in. At least Todd’s did, and he spent Christmas at our house with a beast of a cold. (And by the way, my throat is starting to hurt. I told Todd I wasn’t going to get sick just because he did, and he grinned and said, “Yes, dear.” I hate to say this, but I think he might be right. Oh, man, I don’t have time to get sick!)
To continue the list of observations:
4) Your aunt decides when and where she thinks you should get married even after you and your fiancé already have decided on the meadow of upper campus at Rancho Corona and the beautiful date of May 22. You’re just waiting for the right moment to tell everyone after you get the confirmation on the meadow.
5) Your roommate spends a suspicious amount of time being unusually comfortable around Rick Doyle.
6) The rest of the world keeps going at its standard pace without making allowances for all the adjustments you’re dealing with. It’s as if no one has ever been in love before and therefore doesn’t realize how exhausting engagement bliss can be!
January 9
Silent Sister, don’t laugh.
Todd was right. I got the flu. And he was also right that it’s a killer of a bug. I’m still in bed after four days of misery. At least I’m over the achy fever part and into the laryngitis phase.
This afternoon I pulled out the shoebox I’ve kept under my bed for at least five years now. I covered the box with wrapping paper years ago, and inside are fourteen letters sealed up in individual envelopes. The front of each envelope reads, “To my future husband.” Every time I wrote one of those letters, I prayed for him, whoever he might be, and I wrote a short note telling him that I was saving myself for him and praying that God would lead and protect him.
I was thinking this would be a good time to write another letter, and I realized this is the first time I’ll be writing one knowing the name of the man to put on the envelope. I know who my future husband will be.
Todd.
Just thinking about that fills me with such a sweet sense of hope and contentment. Todd. I have no voice right now to say his name aloud, but I can write it all out. I bought some beautiful stationery in Switzerland, and I’m going to use that to write this next letter.
What should I say? I think I’ll practice here and then copy it on the stationery.
Dear Future Husband, my Todd,
As I write this, you’re in Mexico, and I’m in bed with the flu. I’ve had some time to think these past few days, and I want to tell you two things. No, three.
First, I’m so happy we’re getting married. I can’t wait to be your wife. I know we’ll have a lot of adjusting to do, but we’ll work on it together. I know we’ll become better communicators.
And that brings me to my second thought. Whenever I’m sick, I need attention. I don’t like to be left alone to sweat it out.
I’d like you to check on me and bring me tea and toast. I know we’re different in this area, and I thought you should know this is important to me.
I remember one time in high school when I was sick, and you came to my parents’ house and sat by my bed doing your homework while I slept. Maybe you thought that once I woke up I’d spring out of bed, and we could go do something. But you were there with me. I never told you that I considered that one of the most romantic and tender memories of our early years together. I can’t wait until we’re married so that every morning when I wake up, the first thing I’ll see is your handsome face. Soon.
Now, on to my final thought before I get lost in a daydream about our future together. I want all our children to have middle names, okay?
With all my love, forever,
Your Christina Juliet Miller
(soon to be Spencer)!
P.S. I love you.
January 9
Yes, it’s me again, SS.
And yes, it’s the same day. I wanted to mark the moment I had with my mom today. After I wrote my letter to Todd, Mom came in my room, and we ended up talking about wedding dresses. She pulled her wedding dress out of a box in her closet, and I tried it on. It needs a lot of adjusting, but I decided I want to use the top part of her dress, have it altered, and then have her make a different skirt for it. She loved the idea. She was so touched.
I really want to do this. I’m not just trying to make her happy. This is something that will make me happy. We had the best talk. It was like talking to a close friend. My mom and I have never really been like that.
She was so cute when I sat on her bed and she talked to me in hushed words about the sanctity of being with your husband for the first time on your wedding night. Her words were very general and delicate, but I appreciated her talking about some of these things at last. It also made me think of how important it is for me to know that one day I’ll sit on the edge of my bed with my daughter and tell her that her dad and I waited for each other and it was worth the wait. I want to have a story of hushed beauty when it comes to purity, just like my mom.
February 4
Silent Sister,
My mother called this morning at 6:30. My grandpa, her father, passed away. We’re all going to the funeral in Wisconsin. We leave Friday. I don’t know what else to say.
February 12
Hello, Silent Sis.
I’m not sure where to begin. My grandfather’s funeral was touching in many ways. It was so good to see my grandma. She said she would come for the wedding. I really hope she does.
On the plane on the way home Todd gave me my engagement ring. We had it specially designed, and it took a long time to get it. I didn’t know Todd had it. He said he was planning on giving it to me at the beach on Saturday, which is where we’re planning to go for Valentine’s Day. But he said he couldn’t wait, and he pulled it out and asked me all over again to marry him. I said yes all over again. We kissed, and it was the best long, slow, promise-sealing kiss ever.
Oh, my heart! I am so in love with him it’s ridiculous!
When we went to church the next day, Todd told the youth group about how he gave me the ring on the plane and how my face lit up.
Then Todd made the most incredible analogy between us being engaged and the way God views us. In the Bible God describes the church as the bride of Christ. Todd said the Holy Spirit is like the engagement ring that God gives us as evidence of His promise that He will always love us and one day will come and take us to be His bride to live with Him forever.
It was amazing the way the students responded. Todd said that weddings on earth are a reflection of the great wedding feast of the Lamb that will happen when the Lord comes to take His bride, the Church, to be with Him.
I realized more deeply what a mystery that is. I felt so different and so much more in love with Todd after he placed the ring on my finger. I find myself growing more deeply in love with Christ as I see these parallels acted out in my life. Christ wants me and is waiting for me one day to be with Him forever. Unt
il that day, His Holy Spirit in my life is evidence to others that I am promised to Him and I am waiting for Him.
That verse in Ephesians 4:30 makes more sense to me than it ever did before. “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” Todd told the class it would be like my covering my ring finger with duct tape because I didn’t want anyone to know I was engaged. He said that as my fiancé, it would break his heart if I did that. Yet we do the same thing when we don’t let the Holy Spirit work in our lives.
Todd’s charge to the class was to boldly let the whole world know that we’re spoken for, that we belong to Christ. Then he said, “But if you’re really in love with the Bridegroom, people will know instantly when they look at your face. Just look at Christy.”
The whole group turned to stare at me, but I didn’t care. My face and my whole heart were so brightly lit on fire with my love for God and Todd that I didn’t feel at all embarrassed. I felt as if I were floating on clouds.
February 12
One last thought, SS,
Todd was right about what he said to the teens. And Grandma was right, too, when I asked her for marriage advice and she told me, “It goes fast. It’s over too soon. Keep short lists, honey. Learn to forgive quickly and go on because one day you’ll wake up and find that somehow you grew old when you weren’t looking. Your lists won’t matter at all then.”
What we’re doing here isn’t about this life only. The real us, our souls, will last forever. God wants us to say yes to His Son so we can be with Him forever. It’s the ultimate “I do.” The eternal “I promise.”
Okay. I just had to get that down on paper. I am so fried. I have no idea how I’m going to manage to catch up with everything I have to do for school. This final semester is turning out to be much harder than I thought it would be. If you don’t hear from me, it’s only because I’m going to have to run very hard and very fast to pass all my classes and to actually graduate in May.