“Are you ready to say goodbye?”
“No. Not yet. Can I have a little longer?”
“Of course, but you should really go get some rest. She’ll be here when you come back, I promise.”
“I don’t see her much, you know. It’s just hard to leave her for even a minute.”
“I understand.”
“Every second could be her last. I don’t want to risk it… missing it, I mean.”
“The machines are working hard to keep her alive, Mr Bayliss. She’s not going anywhere without your say so.”
“Just a minute or two more.”
The door to the side room opened wider and a nurse walked out and straight past Katie, too engrossed in her blue files to notice her.
“Dina, please. Why did you do this? Is it because of the divorce? Did you think it was your fault? Is it having to fly ten hours to see me? Please. If I had any part to play in this, I’m truly sorry.”
Katie blinked and took a deep breath before entering the room. “Excuse me. Sir?” She touched the older mans arm and he twisted his head to her, grasping his child’s thin hand in both of his. Unashamed tears were rolling down his face. “I was – am,” she corrected, “Dina’s housemate. Katie. I just dropped by to sit with her for a while.”
“She never mentioned you.”
“I’m new to town. We only knew each other a few days before…”
“You didn’t know her very well then?”
“No but she was part of my college family.”
“You have any idea why she did this? She came out to America with her friend Jaye – you know Jaye, right?” Katie nodded and stayed silent. Mr Bayliss looked as though he were having enough trouble speaking about Dina without her interrupting and making it harder. “She seemed fine then. Never stopped talking about the academy and all her friends. I don’t know how this could have happened… not without anyone noticing. I don’t think we ever will now.”
“Don’t speak like that.”
“These machines are breathing for her, pumping blood for her. She’s dead.”
She felt her own tears start battering at her eyelids and touched his shoulder, trying to be comforting. Inside, a huge shock hit her. Dina was dead. And she hadn’t come back.
“I need a walk and some coffee. Real stuff, not the mud here. I’ll e back later, baby girl.” Mr Bayliss bent down and kissed Dina’s head, watching her for long moments afterwards to see if he had magically provoked some kind of response. Katie could tell by the awkward set of his body that he felt uncomfortable showing such affection with an audience. Sweet to watch as it was, Katie turned her back and faced the window to give him some privacy until he left. When the door had creaked half shut and footsteps had faded down the hall, Katie sat in the seat he had vacated and thought for a moment. What good was it going to do, her being here? What did she hope to achieve sitting here and feeling sad? The logic of her visit seemed irrelevant as she looked over at Dina – her pale but still brown skin almost paling into the off-white bedsheets. She looked thinner than she had before. The first time she had come down here had been so hard, that was before it had nearly been her lying in the net bed, but she had learnt to just ignore the machine that beeped and display jerky lines. Something important was happening in those noisy boxes. Something she needed to think of. Something she filed away for later.
The list of things to think about later was already getting long and how much longer would it be tomorrow when she had lessons and homework to think about? It even sounded scary. There was a library somewhere downtown – Leo had already found it and she could stalk him there in the week – but there was bound to be one at Levenson Academy for Sports and Action. At least a quiet place to do her homework was sorted. And her student ID gave her access to the academy network. Katie vowed not to say it out loud but this new freedom made her finally feel like a grown up. No longer was she relying on other people to tell her what to do or to put a plaster on a scratched knee. Maybe, just maybe, and the thought came like a door slamming in her face, that was what Dina had been craving, what she had failed without. Everyone needed a hand to hold sometimes. If I’d known… I could have been that hand to hold.
Could you though? Would you have been there to stop her when you were dying yourself?
Logic again. Damn thing! No, she wouldn’t have been there. Maybe it was selfish but hey… she shuffled forward in her seat and took her friends cold hand in hers. She could, at least, be here now. “Everyone thinks of you. Every single day. Jaye goes one better, she thinks of you every minute. We miss you. I know you did some stupid stuff but we all do. Just… God, this is hard… just come back to us and stop everyone being sad.” Katie sat back again and let the stillness in the room wash over her.
You have to find a way. You must.
“How? What? Dina?” She looked at the girl in the bed and frowned. That voice. Had it been in her head? Or had Dina woken up, said those words, and then slipped back into unconsciousness in less than a second? Because that had definitely been her voice. “I wanted to thank you for saving my life last week. I think you can hear me. I wish you could just talk to me and tell me to stop worrying - that where-ever you are, you’re fine.”
“You think she is?” Mr Bayliss was drinking from a polystyrene coffee cup and running his hand through a birds nest on top of his head. The man looked as though he had been sleeping in the hospital room for the past two nights – maybe he had, time had seemed to blur into one since Thursday morning – and no less refreshed for his short walk.
“I don’t know.” Thinking was getting to be a bad idea as most of the thoughts she had were of dark, cracking energy, blood and people saying goodbye. “I hope so. Look, one of the others will come soon – go to ours, shower, rest. I have to go.”
“Thank you for coming. I know she appreciates it.”
Katie gave him a smile so thin and tight it might break, shrugged her baseball jacket back on and hurried out of the medical centre. She didn’t even know where she was going until she got to the reached the tiny gym at the sports stadium. There was a large one in the college building which was open but it was pretty much packed out when she peeked in on the way past. Being trapped in a room that many heaving, sweaty bodies – pass. To the tiny arena gym it was. The place was big enough for three bikes, two rowers, three treadmills, two cross-trainers and a set of free weights. It was more than enough to keep Katie occupied for an hour or so and work out her frustrations. A couple of male students were finishing up with the weights when she entered so she had the place to herself.
The gym was too close to other people to put her MP3 player on and start singing her head off but Roy, the caretaker, had left the radio on and she couldn’t help humming along. It was almost noon on a Sunday – there was school to get ready for tomorrow, a computer that needed sorting out and Lainy was making a proper roast dinner. What was she doing down here? The answer was obvious – she had come to thinking – but she was too busy trying not to think to notice. The events of Thursday morning were pushing at her brain but to let those memories rush back would force Katie to realise things she didn’t want to know. Like how close she had come to dying, how close she had come to losing Jack, how she had watched Dina walk into the arms of death and ask for her help, how she had refused to be the victim for one more minute. And she had saved Jack, hadn’t she? It made her shudder to remember that stormy night.
“Hey Roy,” she said to him as she went outside and reached for his book to sign out. “Sorry I didn’t speak earlier. Bit zoned out.”
“That’s awright. Me and Bernice watched you run yesterday. Not surprised you pooped.”
“Pooped? Right, that’s a pound in the swear jar.”
“I hear what all you stew-dents say. I’m an angel!”
She glanced at his mad-scientist grey hair, the face so wrinkled even a steam iron
would have given up on it. “Yeah, I guess you are,” she sighed. Realising that sweet old Roy was either dead or dying hurt almost as much as losing Grandad had. How she could feel this deeply about so many people she hardly knew was quite a shock. “So, what you got for me today?”
“You been watching the news? Some darn freak storm the other night. Louder’n a jet over my house, I reckon.”
“Must’ve slept straight through it. When was it, again?”
“No-one was hurt, they say. S’pose that’s the main thing.”
“Yeah, no lasting damage. Always good.” Would Roy be upset if he knew Katie had died? Would anyone be upset? Maybe grief was a defunct emotion in Northwood – there was no point in feeling sad for the dead because they’d be back at your side in… how long did it take? “You came to watch me?”
“We likes to watch all the stew-dents when we can. Course, we can’t get about like we used to…” He slid his signing in sheet back behind his little hatch and waved her past.
“I guess I better go see if Lainy’s managed to blow the house up yet. And if she has… you and the missus have got yourselves a lodger.” It was meant as a light-hearted threat but Roy looked at Katie like he was deep in thought. Then his face dropped.
“Sorry, the landlord says maximum occupancy is two. Though I don’t see as how you’d take up much room.”
“I was only joking Roy. See you soon.”
“Are you inviting Jack?” asked Jaye when Katie got home and dumped her things. “Lainy’s used to cooking for six so there’s plenty.”
“Can I? I mean, I don’t know if I should.”
“I don’t have a problem with him being here.” There was conviction in her voice but the kind that was deliberately put there.
“If you’re sure. I’d like to ask him but, you know, I don’t want things to be awkward.”
The last time Jack and Jaye had seen each other, there had been some kind of confrontation and, she thought, a promise to fight. Jack had taken the last bit of life Dina had left in the hospital so he could materialise and be with Katie. That had sent her into flatline and she had been in a coma ever since. From Jaye’s guarded expression, the tension had not faded away but nor had it grown. Hmm… if they could get through a dinner perhaps it would put the two of them on speaking terms again. “Everything’ll be fine, babe. Trust me.”
“Trust you with what?” Lainy came into the kitchen brandishing a potato masher and began attacking the spuds in one of the pans on the stove.
“Katie’s inviting Jack for dinner. I was saying how cool it’ll be to have six people round the table again. Even if it’s not the right six.”
“Sweetie, don’t you think it might be a little short notice?”
“I showed him a short cut.”
Lainy nodded and the shooed both girls out of her kitchen. Jaye made a beeline for the bathroom and the shower started a minute later. Katie sat herself in the chair furthest from the kitchen, right in the corner of the living room. Just in case she made any noise. Then Katie closed her eyes and reached down inside her for a ball of – well, she didn’t want to be dramatic and call it her soul but whatever it was that kept her going. Essence? When she called for him, he would need to draw on that.
Jack? I want you to be part of us for today. You know you can come through me if you want to.
She felt an invisible hand stroke hat knot of energy inside. Just the slightest tug in her stomach, slowly creeping up and then finger writing words in her head. You must find a way.
Jack, is that you? But she knew it wasn’t. And just as this gentle touch reached for her ball of whatever in her stomach again, another hand grabbed for it and the gentle one left. Like losing an unborn baby or phantom limb syndrome, she just felt her body empty out. The tender touch had left. And it had torn of a string of her life source and it was unravelling behind it. The other hand, the rough one, snapped at the thread but it was strong as steel and thin as hair. Katie closed her eyes and tried to let herself see this internal scuffle but it seemed that she had missed most of the action.
“Lady Katie.” A cowboy with green eyes tipped his hat to her with his free hand – the one that wasn’t currently looping itself around a running thread of silvery energy.
“Where’s it all going?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Please hurry. Before it runs out. It’s all I have left.” Katie was tired from her workout and needed a change of clothes before dinner.
“It shouldn’t be like this.” The cowboy shook his head and closed his hand around the silvery thread. “It was never this way before.”
“Jack, come on. I’m tired and I can’t give you anything else.” Katie clenched her fists and stared at the shrinking ball of life before her, holding on to it with all her might – willing it to be just enough. Her outside body probably looked stupid – her concentrating face had her tongue out and her fingers in rigid ET positions – but inside was all that mattered. “We can talk about this later.”
“What if this is important though? It’s all going away, running away from whatever I grab onto.”
“There’s enough.” I hope. “Just… ow!” She stumbled in her concentration as Jack grabbed for a strand with both hands and pulled.
Katie tried to open her eyes but the sudden pain of her insides being pulled on shocked them shut again. Breathing deep, she tried to let herself relax and let the pain wash over her. It wasn’t pain really. It didn’t even hurt if you didn’t fight it. The theory sounded good on paper but in reality… yeah, it hurt. Not the oh-my-God-I-think-my-guts-are-about-to-explode kind of pain but the good kind, the oh-my-God-I-think-I’m-gonna die kind. Instead of focussing on Jack and his process of coming into the real world, Katie put everything she had left into strengthening that silver string inside. For a split-second, the thread shimmered purple-black but it was so brief she might have seen nothing more than a strange bend of the light.
You have light in your head? Wow. Cool head.
The tiny voice that only ever pointed out problems was right though. A trick of the light inside her mind. Maybe I saw something.
As she puzzled that, Katie opened her eyes and looked up to see her green-eyed cowboy smiling down at her. She had barely felt him coming through her this time so making that ball of energy stronger seemed to have worked. Of course, she felt even more tired and drained than she had before.
“I don’t like this. I hate using you to come here.”
“You’re here now and I’m fine.” Well, she would be when she had slipped her PJs on and emptied a can of Red Bull down her throat.
“There has to be a better way.”
She had been hearing that a lot lately. Best not to mention it. Not yet anyway. The last thing Katie wanted was another emergency situation in which she found herself running for her life. She hadn’t really recovered properly from the last one… any of them, honestly, but taking time off from life would be bad. She just felt it. Her body had come through with no scars or breaks – a miracle in itself – just a bone-deep exhaustion that only time would get rid of. Her brain was wilfully blocking out too many memories but she remembered blood and violence and a man with hate in his eyes. Recovery took routine and pushing yourself and convincing everyone you were fine because then it might be true.
“One that doesn’t hurt,” he went on.
Katie blinked and shook the thoughts from her head. She had been right on the edge of something else, something that was going to be important but it was gone the moment Jack’s voice touched her ears. Nothing else mattered for a few hours. They would eat a Sunday lunch together, fall asleep in front of the TV when they were full together.
“Lady Katie, have I ever told you you’re amazin’?”
“Yeah, most of the last week. But I’m not stopping you from doing it again.”
“After what you bee
n through, I think it’s incredible you can even stand, let alone bring me across. And you still look like Lady Katie, not some haunted, hollowed out wreck of a girl.” But that was exactly how she felt. “You’re beautiful. You’re strong. You’re-“
“Taller than you in heels!” singsonged Jaye, as she danced into the living room, dragging her hairbrush through her chin length black tangles. “Or she would be if she ever let me take her shopping.
If you were about to say special, I will kill you with my bare hands! she silently warned him, earning a cheeky but very disturbing grin from Jack. Duh! She knew he could read her thoughts – they had spoken like this before. How could she have forgotten that? Did he know everything she thought about? There were definitely parts of her mind that were strictly for her eyes only. “Nice try Jaye.”
“I’m not giving up on you yet, babe.”
“I need to get out of these.” Katie peeled her sweat-sticky t-shirt from her back, aware that not all of it had come from her gym session.
“I’ll get you looking like a real girl one of these days.”
She traced her fingers across Jaye’s palm as she headed for the door and shot a look back to Jack, fearing what would happen when she left the room. “Play nice.”
Little more than an hour later, six people were sitting around the dinner table finishing up the roast lamb dinner Lainy had made. It wasn’t the selection of housemates it should be but enough laughter and happy bitching buzzed around that Katie felt just as comfortable with Jack and Mr Bayliss as she had with Adam and Dina, whom they had temporarily replaced.
“I want to thank you and your husband for having me in your home.”
“Oh, we’re not married,” Lainy said quickly. “We can’t get-“ she caught herself before she said more than she wanted to. “We couldn’t let you find a café and eat all on your own. Not when you have friends here.”
“You’re not married? But you have the same name. I just assumed…”
“Just a hell of a coincidence, I guess.”
Katie knew it was a lie but she just smiled and carried on chasing peas. Lainy had conveniently forgotten about everything Katie had said the day she woke up. That or she was pretending it had never happened. She knew, though, that the mysterious disappearing injuries had not been so easily glossed over and was dreading the shit hitting the fan.
“Are you two looking forward to your first days?” Lainy asked. “Be honest.”
“Just school ain’t it? Only you’re a bit older,” grumbled Leo. “I thought I left all the homework crap behind in college.”
“Why the fuck are you here if you don’t want to work?” That earnt Jaye a sharp watch your language look from Lainy and the table shuddered as she sent a light kick her way. “Seriously? I mean, you want to doss around, the academy is so the wrong place to do it.”
“I’m excited. I’m nervous too though.” Truthfully, Katie was crapping herself about it. It was probably the anticipation that was sending butterflies through her stomach.
“It’s understandable. You’re hours from home, it’s all new, you’re on your own.”
“I have all these worries. What if the classes are too hard? What if the other students hate me? What if-“
“Katie, Katie,” Mr Bayliss interrupted. “Am I right thinking you’re the youngest here?” She nodded. He continued. “You must be a very talented young lady to gain early admission.”
“On a full scholarship too,” Jaye added sounding proud.
“If I keep my grades up.”
“Which you will.” Jack squeezed her hand under the table – just a bit of pressure on the back of her hand, hardly a touch at all. “No problem.”
“I’m sure all your friends here will help you with any schoolwork.”
The idle chatter carried on for a few more minutes and then Lainy piped up once more. “Sorry, gang, no dessert.”
“Elaine, dinner was lovely and I thank you for letting me join in. Dina always told me you were all so kind.” Mr Bayliss glanced down at his plate and looked sad for a moment, then he raised his head with a determined sigh and started piling the dirty plates. “You and the girls go have a nice rest in the front room. Katie, take your young man with you. This gentleman and I will clear up.” He jerked his head towards Leo who did not look at all happy about it but, for once, didn’t grump about it. In fact, he looked a little bit frightened by Mr Bayliss. Being parented when he thought he had left it all behind. His childhood coming up to bite him in the arse. Brilliant!
“Jack, I’m upstairs when you’re ready. We need to talk… in private.” Katie bolted off upstairs and left the other three to it. When she had come downstairs in her PJs and slippers Jack and Jaye had been deep in a conversation that had ended the moment she had entered the room. Mysterious sure but they hadn’t torn each others’ throats out so Katie was assuming the little chat had been civil with possibilities of friendly. No bloodshed – always good. She pulled the chair out, sat down and switched on her new laptop, ready to start work installing software and registering programs but all she did was stare at the shiny screen. The old one was scratched, battered and cluttered with games – probably the real reason Dan had wanted it.
There was a knock at the door. How long had she been sitting there doing nothing?
“Yeah?”
“It’s me.”
“I know who it is. Are you coming in?”
The door opened a crack and Jack slid in, leaving the door open an inch or two. There was something about having a parent in the house, even when it wasn’t your own, that made everyone act on their best behaviour. It was kind of funny.
“How do you feel?”
“Seriously? My whole world’s basically turned itself inside out this summer and you ask how I feel? Unbelievable.” It was rare for a man, dead or alive, to show interest in female emotions so she was definitely holding on to that one but wow… they knew how to pick their moments. “Okay, here’s the rundown.” Katie swivelled around on her chair and started counting down on her fingers. She took a deep breath and got to “stressed” before Jack circled his arms around her waist and pulled her down to the bed with him.
“Bad Jack. Very bad Jack. Would you have done that if it was my dad down there?”
He snorted. “No. Your dad treats you like you’re made of glass. And I’d definitely be payin’ damages if he knew how I handle delicate objects.”
“Cool. I’m delicate.”
“Yeah. I wanna take care of you if you’ll let me.”
Oh, Katie wanted that more than anything. But he’d tried that before and look at what had happened there. Being taken care of didn’t work.
“Give it a try, Lady Katie.”
She twisted in his arms and looked up at him. The only thing she saw in his eyes was this burning need for her to trust him. Lying in his arms was the best place she knew. It didn’t matter that somehow, he was always linked to whatever trouble she found herself in-
You must find a way
This was the one place she felt safe.
And then the dam broke.
Memories came cascading into her head and she screamed. No! Don’t let me drown. I can’t die like this. She didn’t know if she had yelled the words out loud but she really believed it. And it was all too much. The wall in Katie’s mind had finally snapped under the weight of the last few weeks of memories but somehow, the ones in which she nearly died weren’t half as scary as the ones she had buried much deeper. Jack sprang off the bed and bent down next to the girl, rubbing her back, unsure how best to help. All he could do was stand there and let Katie scream it all out… then footsteps pounded up the stairs and Leo shoved the door open.
“Get your hands off her!”
“I’m helping her. Katie had… a shock. She’ll be alright soon.”
“And you had nothing to do with this shock.”
Katie co
uld practically see the air quotes on shock and, if she looked up, he might well be making them, but right now she couldn’t seem to stop screaming and crying. Her breath was starting to run out and agonised gasps were making their way out instead. In her mind, though, a hundred days of hurt was pouring out of her mouth. And then everything stopped – feeling, seeing, remembering – it all stopped and left her lifeless and sitting on the floor.
“Who’s to blame for this is not the problem. I don’t know what to do.”
Leo popped open one of the cans of Red Bull Katie had stashed under her bed and tilted it to her lips. She drank the amber liquid that formed on the lid but didn’t move. Jack looked on not understanding. “Sugar rush,” Leo explained. “I used to do it for my mom. Cures a lot of things. Sometimes it makes things worse.” He put his arm under her shoulders and nudged her back onto the bed, still keeping the drink by her lips so she could sip, slowly – very slowly – coming back to earth. “I don’t suppose they taught any of this when you grew up. Katie said you’re about 150.”
“A little more if you count my age when I died.”
“Whatever. Let’s just say you’re real old. What did you do?”
“Nothin’! We were just sitting here and she just… broke?”
“I ain’t kidding, Jack. If you’ve hurt her… You know how easy it is to hurt people without realising it. I’ve lain awake in there,” he jerked his thumb towards his room and held Katie more tightly, “listening to her nightmares for the last time. I don’t know what she dreams about but it’s your names she shouts when she wakes up, so I’m guessing you have something to do with them. Right?”
“Okay, I s’pose I owe you - hey, she’s startin’ to come round. Is she okay now?”
Leo glared at Jack. He had seen Katie in a drugged out stupor last week, lying unconscious in this bed last week, all slashed and torn just hours before that – was there even an okay after that?
Chapter three