CHAPTER V.
I believe that my heart would have burst, if they had not cut my stays;and how I wished it had. When I came back to my unlucky self, there wassomething shivery cold in the forehead wave of my hair. Was it Conrad'sfinger? I put up my hand to dash it away, and caught a fine fat leech.Dr. Franks was sitting by me, holding a basin and a sponge.
"That's the last of them, my dear child. Don't disturb him. He isdoing his duty by you."
"His duty! Was it his duty to say such fearful things? To break myheart with every word! Ashamed of me--ashamed of my darling father!Low and licentious! What have I done? what have I done? Oh, it I onlyknew what harm I have ever done!"
"No harm, my poor dear, no harm in the world; let me bathe your prettyface. Come now, you shan't cry another drop. What is to become of thebeautiful eyes I was so proud of saving?"
"Oh, I wish you hadn't, how I wish you hadn't. Dr. Franks, I have nofather, and no mother, and no one in all the world to love me, and I wasjust getting so nice and happy again, so proud of myself, and so muchprouder of him, and I began to think how glad my own dear father wouldbe; and, Dr. Franks, I did love him so, with all my heart, perhaps it'snot very large, but with every morsel and atom of my heart--and now, nowI must hate him as much as ever I can. Oh let me go home, do let me gohome, where my father and mother are buried." And I rose in the bed tostart, and the candles glimmered in my eyes.
"Please to go out of the room, every one please to go; and don't letIsola come. I can't bear the sight of her now. It won't take me longto dress, and I don't want any luggage; and, Mrs. Shelfer, please to gofor a cab: and I shan't want the rooms any more, and it does not mattera bit about any letters. I'll tell my father everything when I see him,and then perhaps he'll tell me what harm it is I have done. Why don'tyou go, when you see I want to get up?'
"Don't you see, my dear child, we are going? Only you must take thisglass of wine first, to prepare you for your long journey. Will youtake it now, while we fetch the cab?"
"Yes, anything, anything: I don't care what it is. Only let me getready."
And I drank, without even tasting it, a glass of some dark liquid, whichsaved me from wandering further either in mind or body.
When I awoke, it was broad noon once more, and Dr. Franks was sitting byme with one of my hands in his. "Magnificent constitution," I thought Iheard him mutter, "glorious constitution." What good was it to me? Atthe foot of the bed, sat Isola crying terribly. Slowly I remembered allmy great disaster, but saw it only through a dull gray veil. The powerof the opiate was still upon my brain. But a cold dead pain lay heavyon my heart, and always seemed to want a heavy hand upon it. After hehad given me a reviving draught, Dr. Franks perceived that I wished tospeak to Isola, and accordingly withdrew.
Poor Isola came slowly and sat beside my pillow, doubting whether sheshould dare to take my hand. Therefore I took hers, drew her facetowards me, and covered it with kisses. Isola had done no harm to mewhatever, and I felt it something to have even her to love. She wasovercome with affectionate surprise.
"Oh, Clara dearest, I am so very glad to find you love me still. Ifeared that you would never care for me again. What is it all about,dear, if you are well enough to tell me, what is all this dreadfulmisery about?"
"That is the very thing I want to learn from you, dear. Surely you mustknow better far than I do."
I would not even ask her what had become of Conrad.
"No, I don't dear. I don't know at all. All I know is there must havebeen some dreadful quarrel between you and Conrad. I must tell you,dear, I was so anxious about something you can guess, that I stole up tothe door soon after he came in; and you were so intent upon the window,that you never even saw me put the door ajar; and then I heard him tellyou how very much he loved you, and I was so glad. And then I thought itwas not quite fair of me, and I knew all I wanted, so I ran downstairsagain. And the next thing I heard was your bedroom door bang and thenConny dashed out the house, and Judy came down to me looking verysorrowful. And I ran up to you, and here I found you shrieking so, androlling, and clutching at the bedclothes, and I was so frightened Icould not even move. And then Judy came and made such a dreadfulhowling, and Mrs. Shelfer ran straight off for the doctor, and I pouredthe water in the decanter over you, and I can't tell any more."
"But surely, darling, you have been home since that?"
"Oh yes; when Dr. Franks came, and you were a little better, he wouldmake me go home, because he did not want two patients, he said; and hiseldest daughter, such a nice girl, came with me; and my papa didn't evenknow that I had been out of the house. He was still upstairs, broodingover his relics, and all the sixth form at the College had to go todinner without their lectures; but I do believe the stupid girls wereglad."
"And did you hear--no, it doesn't matter."
"No, I never heard what became of Conrad. No doubt he went back to hisfavourite chip, chipping. He has got a splendid thing he is full of now,and it prevents his sleeping; something or other very horrible fromDante, and the leading figure is modelled after you. I have seen thedrawings, and he has got you exactly."
"How gratifying to be sure! I will ask you no more questions. Pray letme know when I am for sale; though I should call it a work ofillegitimate art."
My eyes were on her face, but she showed no consciousness whatever,which she must have done had she known the fact referred to, for she wasquick of perception, and open as the day. I was angry with myself forthe low and bootless sneer, which was pretty certain to be conveyed toher brother.
"Now I will delay no longer. Let me speak to Dr. Franks. I shall gothis afternoon."
Poor Isola turned pale; she had looked upon the occurrence as only alover's quarrel, sure to be set right in a day or two. She could notharbour any great resentment long, and forgot that I could.
"Don't talk so, dear; and you so very weak! it would be sure to killyou. And what will Conny think? You must not go, at any rate, till youhave been to see him."
"I go to him! I hope to see him never more until I charge him inanother world with this bitter wrong. No, no more if you please; I willnot hear his name again. How can he be your brother? Darling Idols, Inever shall forget you. Take this, my pet, and think of me sometimes,for you will never see me more."
I gave her an emerald ring, set with lovely pearls, small types ofherself. It was not the one I had reclaimed from her brother, that wasa plain keeper.
"Oh Clara, Clara, don't say that, whatever you do, because I know youwill keep to it, you are so shamefully obstinate. And I never loved anyone in the world like you; no, not even Conny."
"And not even your father or mother?"
"No, not half so much. I like Pappy very well when he is good and kind,but that is not very often now"--the poor little thing's eyes filledagain with tears,--"and as for my mother, I never even saw her; she diedwhen I was born."
"And I love you too, my sweet, best of all the world--now.Nevertheless, we must part."
"And never see each other? I don't call that loving. Tell me why: dotell me why. There seems some horrid mystery about every one I love."
And she was overcome with grief. She had not been, like me, apprenticedyoung to trouble.
"Darling, I will write to you sometimes. You can come here for theletters. I will have no secrets any more from you; but you must neverattempt to write to me--only send your name on a bit of paper when myletters go."
"But why on earth mayn't I write to you, Clara dear?"
"I can't tell you why. Only I cannot bear it." The truth was I couldnever have borne to read about her brother. So all that was settled,and I said good-bye with plenty of bitter crying. As for Balaam andBalak, from whom I expected tidings, and George Cutting, whom I hadthought it right to send for--I had not the heart to attend to any ofthem. Dr. Franks had done his utmost to oppose my sudden journey, but Itold him truly that I should go mad if I stopped there
any longer. Icould not bear the mere sight of the room where I had been, in theheight of delicious joy, so trampled upon and outraged. My brain wasburning, and my heart was aching for the only spot on earth where truelove could be found, the spot where lay my father and my mother.
Seeing how the fever of the mind was kindling, the doctor, like a goodphysician, knew that the best plan was to indulge, and so allay it. Yethe begged me, if I had any regard for him, not to travel all alone whilein that dangerous state. With most unlooked-for and unmerited kindness,he even sent his eldest daughter, at an hour's notice, to see me home insafety.
The last farewell was said to Judy, whom I would not take away, greatlyas I loved him still; and he received most stringent orders first toconduct dear Isola home, and then to go to his old quarters at thelivery stables. Apparently he acquiesced, though with wistful glances;but at Paddington, as I was getting the tickets, to my amazement in herushed, upset a couple of porters, and demanded his ticket too. Underthe circumstances there was nothing for it, except to let him go withus, or to lose the train. So his ticket was taken, and he dashed intothe dog-box with an enthusiasm which earned him a hard knock on thehead.