LETTER XI
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1.
You both nettled and alarmed me, my dearest Miss Howe, by the concludingpart of your last. At first reading it, I did not think it necessary,said I to myself, to guard against a critic, when I was writing to sodear a friend. But then recollecting myself, is there not more in it,said I, than the result of a vein so naturally lively? Surely I musthave been guilty of an inadvertence. Let me enter into the closeexamination of myself which my beloved friend advises.
I do so; and cannot own any of the glow, any of the throbs youmention.--Upon my word I will repeat, I cannot. And yet the passages inmy letter, upon which you are so humourously severe, lay me fairly opento your agreeable raillery. I own they do. And I cannot tell what turnmy mind had taken to dictate so oddly to my pen.
But, pray now--is it saying so much, when one, who has no veryparticular regard to any man, says, there are some who are preferable toothers? And is it blamable to say, they are the preferable, who are notwell used by one's relations; yet dispense with that usage out of regardto one's self which they would otherwise resent? Mr. Lovelace, forinstance, I may be allowed to say, is a man to be preferred to Mr.Solmes; and that I do prefer him to that man: but, surely, this may besaid without its being a necessary consequence that I must be in lovewith him.
Indeed I would not be in love with him, as it is called, for the world:First, because I have no opinion of his morals; and think it a fault inwhich our whole family (my brother excepted) has had a share, that hewas permitted to visit us with a hope, which, however, being distant,did not, as I have observed heretofore,* entitle any of us to callhim to account for such of his immoralities as came to our ears. Next,because I think him to be a vain man, capable of triumphing (secretly atleast) over a person whose heart he thinks he has engaged. And, thirdly,because the assiduities and veneration which you impute to him, seem tocarry an haughtiness in them, as if he thought his address had a meritin it, that would be more than an equivalent to a woman's love. Inshort, his very politeness, notwithstanding the advantages he must havehad from his birth and education, appear to be constrained; and, withthe most remarkable easy and genteel person, something, at times,seems to be behind in his manner that is too studiously kept in. Then,good-humoured as he is thought to be in the main to other people'sservants, and this even to familiarity (although, as you have observed,a familiarity that has dignity in it not unbecoming to a man of quality)he is apt sometimes to break out into a passion with his own: An oathor a curse follows, and such looks from those servants as plainly shewterror, and that they should have fared worse had they not been in myhearing: with a confirmation in the master's looks of a surmise too welljustified.
* Letter III.
Indeed, my dear, THIS man is not THE man. I have great objections tohim. My heart throbs not after him. I glow not, but with indignationagainst myself for having given room for such an imputation. But youmust not, my dearest friend, construe common gratitude into love. Icannot bear that you should. But if ever I should have the misfortune tothink it love, I promise you upon my word, which is the same as upon myhonour, that I will acquaint you with it.
You bid me to tell you very speedily, and by the new-found expedient,that I am not displeased with you for your agreeable raillery: Idispatch this therefore immediately, postponing to my next the accountof the inducements which my friends have to promote with so muchearnestness the address of Mr. Solmes.
Be satisfied, my dear, mean time, that I am not displeased with you:indeed I am not. On the contrary, I give you my hearty thanks for yourfriendly premonitions; and I charge you (as I have often done) that ifyou observe any thing in me so very faulty as would require from youto others in my behalf the palliation of friendly and partial love, youacquaint me with it: for methinks I would so conduct myself as not togive reason even for an adversary to censure me; and how shall so weakand so young a creature avoid the censure of such, if my friend will nothold a looking-glass before me to let me see my imperfections?
Judge me, then, my dear, as any indifferent person (knowing what youknow of me) would do. I may be at first be a little pained; may glow alittle perhaps to be found less worthy of your friendship than I wishto be; but assure yourself, that your kind correction will give mereflection that shall amend me. If it do not, you will have a fault toaccuse me of, that will be utterly inexcusable: a fault, let me add,that should you not accuse me of it (if in your opinion I am guilty) youwill not be so much, so warmly, my friend as I am yours; since I havenever spared you on the like occasions.
Here I break off to begin another letter to you, with the assurance,mean time, that I am, and ever will be,
Your equally affectionate and grateful, CL. HARLOWE.