LETTER XXXVIII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE MONDAY, MARCH 20.
Your last so sensibly affects me, that I must postpone every otherconsideration, however weighty, to reply to it: and this I will dovery distinctly, and with all the openness of heart which our mutualfriendship demands.
But let me observe, in the first place, gratefully observe, that if Ihave in fifty passages of my letters given you such undoubted proofs ofmy value for Mr. Lovelace, that you have spared me for the sake of myexplicitness, it is acting by me with a generosity worthy of yourself.
But lives the man, think you, who is so very bad, that he does not giveeven a doubting mind reason at one time to be better pleased with himthan at another? And when that reason offers, is it not just to expressone's self accordingly? I would do the man who addresses me as muchjustice, as if he did not address me: it has such a look of tyranny, itappears so ungenerous, methinks, in our sex, to use a man worse for hisrespect to us, (no other cause for disrespect occurring,) that I wouldnot by any means be that person who should do so.
But, although I may intend no more than justice, it will perhaps bedifficult to hinder those who know the man's views, from construing itas a partial favour: and especially if the eager-eyed observer has beenformerly touched herself, and would triumph that her friend had been nomore able to escape than she. Noble minds, emulative of perfection, (andyet the passion properly directed, I do not take to be an imperfectionneither,) may be allowed a little generous envy, I think.
If I meant by this a reflection, by way of revenge, it is but a revenge,my dear, in the soft sense of the word. I love, as I have told you, yourpleasantry. Although at the time your reproof may pain me a little; yet,on recollection, when I find it more of the cautioning friend thanof the satirizing observer, I shall be all gratitude upon it. All thebusiness will be this; I shall be sensible of the pain in the presentletter perhaps; but I shall thank you in the next, and ever after.
In this way, I hope, my dear, you will account for a little ofthat sensibility which you find above, and perhaps still more, as Iproceed.--You frequently remind me, by an excellent example, your own tome, that I must not spare you!
I am not conscious, that I have written any thing of this man, that hasnot been more in his dispraise than in his favour. Such is the man, thatI think I must have been faulty, and ought to take myself to account,if I had not. But you think otherwise, I will not put you upon labouringthe proof, as you call it. My conduct must then have a faulty appearanceat least, and I will endeavour to rectify it. But of this I assure you,that whatever interpretation my words were capable of, I intended notany reserve to you. I wrote my heart at the time: if I had had thoughtof disguising it, or been conscious that there was reason for doingso, perhaps I had not given you the opportunity of remarking upon mycuriosity after his relations' esteem for me; nor upon my conditionalliking, and such-like. All I intended by the first, I believe, Ihonestly told you at the time. To that letter I therefore refer, whetherit make for me, or against me: and by the other, that I might bear inmind, what it became a person of my sex and character to be and todo, in such an unhappy situation, where the imputed love is thought anundutiful, and therefore a criminal passion; and where the supportedobject of it is a man of faulty morals too. And I am sure you willexcuse my desire of appearing at those times the person I ought to be;had I no other view in it but to merit the continuance of your goodopinion.
But that I may acquit myself of having reserves--O, my dear, I must herebreak off--!