LETTER XX
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE WEDNESDAY MORNING, NINE O'CLOCK.
I am just returned from my morning walk, and already have received aletter from Mr. Lovelace in answer to mine deposited last night. Hemust have had pen, ink, and paper with him; for it was written in thecoppice; with this circumstance: On one knee, kneeling with the other.Not from reverence to the written to, however, as you'll find!
Well we are instructed early to keep these men at distance. Anundesigning open heart, where it is loth to disoblige, is easily drawnin, I see, to oblige more than ever it designed. It is too apt to governitself by what a bold spirit is encouraged to expect of it. It is verydifficult for a good-natured young person to give a negative where itdisesteems not.
Our hearts may harden and contract, as we gain experience, and when wehave smarted perhaps for our easy folly: and so they ought, or we shouldbe upon very unequal terms with the world.
Excuse these grave reflections. This man has vexed me heartily. I seehis gentleness was art: fierceness, and a temper like what I have beentoo much used to at home, are Nature in him. Nothing, I think, shallever make me forgive him; for, surely, there can be no good reason forhis impatience on an expectation given with reserve, and revocable.--Iso much to suffer through him; yet, to be treated as if I were obligedto bear insults from him--!
But here you will be pleased to read his letter; which I shall enclose.
TO MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE
GOOD GOD!
What is now to become of me!--How shall I support thisdisappointment!--No new cause!--On one knee, kneeling with the other, Iwrite!--My feet benumbed with midnight wanderings through the heaviestdews that ever fell: my wig and my linen dripping with the hoar frostdissolving on them!--Day but just breaking--Sun not risen to exhale--Mayit never rise again!--Unless it bring healing and comfort to a benightedsoul! In proportion to the joy you had inspired (ever lovely promiser!)in such proportion is my anguish!
O my beloved creature!--But are not your very excuses confessions ofexcuses inexcusable? I know not what I write!--That servant in yourway!* By the great God of Heaven, that servant was not, dared not, couldnot, be in your way!--Curse upon the cool caution that is pleased todeprive me of an expectation so transporting!
* See Letter XIX.
And are things drawing towards a crisis between your friends andyou?--Is not this a reason for me to expect, the rather to expect, thepromised interview?
CAN I write all that is in my mind, say you?--Impossible!--Not thehundredth part of what is in my mind, and in my apprehension, can Iwrite!
Oh! the wavering, the changeable sex!--But can Miss Clarissa Harlowe--
Forgive me, Madam!--I know not what I write!
Yet, I must, I do, insist upon your promise--or that you will condescendto find better excuses for the failure--or convince me, that strongerreasons are imposed upon you, than those you offer.--A promise oncegiven (upon deliberation given,) the promised only can dispense with;except in cases of a very apparent necessity imposed upon the promiser,which leaves no power to perform it.
The first promise you ever made me! Life and death perhaps dependingupon it--my heart desponding from the barbarous methods resolved to betaken with you in malice to me!
You would sooner choose death than Solmes. (How my soul spurns thecompetition!) O my beloved creature, what are these but words?--Whosewords?--Sweet and ever adorable--What?--Promise breaker--must I callyou?--How shall I believe the asseveration, (your supposed duty in thequestion! Persecution so flaming!--Hatred to me so strongly avowed!)after this instance of you so lightly dispensing with your promise?
If, my dearest life! you would prevent my distraction, or, at least,distracted consequences, renew the promised hope!--My fate is indeedupon its crisis.
Forgive me, dearest creature, forgive me!--I know I have written in toomuch anguish of mind!--Writing this, in the same moment that the justdawning light has imparted to me the heavy disappointment.
I dare not re-peruse what I have written. I must deposit it. It mayserve to shew you my distracted apprehension that this disappointment isbut a prelude to the greatest of all.--Nor, having here any other paper,am I able to write again, if I would, on this gloomy spot. (Gloomy ismy soul; and all Nature around me partakes of my gloom!)--I trust ittherefore to your goodness--if its fervour excite your displeasurerather than your pity, you wrong my passion; and I shall be ready toapprehend, that I am intended to be the sacrifice of more miscreantsthan one! [Have patience with me, dearest creature!--I mean Solmes andyour brother only.] But if, exerting your usual generosity, you willexcuse and re appoint, may that God, whom you profess to serve, and whois the God of truth and of promises, protect and bless you, for both;and for restoring to himself, and to hope,
Your ever-adoring, yet almost desponding, LOVELACE!
Ivy Cavern, in the Coppice--Day but just breaking.
*****
This is the answer I shall return:
WEDNESDAY MORNING.
I am amazed, Sir, at the freedom of your reproaches. Pressed and teased,against convenience and inclination, to give you a private meeting, am Ito be thus challenged and upbraided, and my sex reflected upon, becauseI thought it prudent to change my mind?--A liberty I had reservedto myself, when I made the appointment, as you call it. I wanted notinstances of your impatient spirit to other people: yet may it be happyfor me, that I can have this new one; which shows, that you can aslittle spare me, when I pursue the dictates of my own reason, as you doothers, for acting up to theirs. Two motives you must be governed by inthis excess. The one my easiness; the other your own presumption. Sinceyou think you have found out the first, and have shown so much of thelast upon it, I am too much alarmed, not to wish and desire, that yourletter of this day may conclude all the trouble you had from, or for,
Your humble servant, CL. HARLOWE.
*****
I believe, my dear, I may promise myself your approbation, whenever Iwrite or speak with spirit, be it to whom it will. Indeed, I find buttoo much reason to exert it, since I have to deal with people, whogovern themselves in their conduct to me, not by what is fit or decent,right or wrong, but by what they think my temper will bear. I have, tillvery lately, been praised for mine; but it has always been by those whonever gave me opportunity to return the compliment to them. Some peoplehave acted, as if they thought forbearance on one side absolutelynecessary for them and me to be upon good terms together; and in thiscase have ever taken care rather to owe that obligation than to lay it.You have hinted to me, that resentment is not natural to my temper, andthat therefore it must soon subside: it may be so with respect to myrelations; but not to Mr. Lovelace, I assure you.
WEDNESDAY NOON, MARCH 29.
We cannot always answer for what we can do: but to convince you, that Ican keep my above resolution, with regard to Mr. Lovelace, angry as myletter is, and three hours since it was written, I assure you, that Irepent it not; nor will soften it, although I find it is not taken away.And yet I hardly ever before did any thing in anger, that I did notrepent in half an hour; and question myself in less that that time,whether I was right or wrong.
In this respite till Tuesday, I have a little time to look about me,as I may say, and to consider of what I have to do, and can do. And Mr.Lovelace's insolence will make me go very home with myself. Not that Ithink I can conquer my aversion to Mr. Solmes. I am sure I cannot. But,if I absolutely break with Mr. Lovelace, and give my friends convincingproofs of it, who knows but they will restore me to their favour, andlet their views in relation to the other man go off by degrees?--Or,at least, that I may be safe till my cousin Morden arrives: to whom,I think, I will write; and the rather, as Mr. Lovelace has assuredme, that my friends have written to him to make good their side of thequestion.
But, with all my courage, I am exceedingly apprehensive about theTuesday next, and about what may result from my steadfastness; forsteadfast I am sure I shall be. They are resolved, I am told, to tryev
ery means to induce me to comply with what they are determined upon.And I am resolved to do all I can to avoid what they would force me todo. A dreadful contention between parents and child!--Each hoping toleave the other without excuse, whatever the consequence may be.
What can I do? Advise me, my dear. Something is strangely wrongsomewhere! to make parents, the most indulgent till now, seem cruel ina child's eye; and a daughter, till within these few weeks, thoughtunexceptionably dutiful, appear, in their judgment, a rebel!--Oh! myambitious and violent brother! What may he have to answer for to both!
Be pleased to remember, my dear, that your last favour was dated onSaturday. This is Wednesday: and none of mine have been taken awaysince. Don't let me want you advice. My situation is extremelydifficult.--But I am sure you love me still: and not the less on thataccount. Adieu, my beloved friend.
CL. HARLOWE.