LETTER XXXIII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE TUESDAY MORNING, SIX O'CLOCK.
The day is come!--I wish it were happily over. I have had a wretchednight. Hardly a wink have I slept, ruminating upon the approachinginterview. The very distance of time to which they consented, has addedsolemnity to the meeting, which otherwise it would not have had.
A thoughtful mind is not a blessing to be coveted, unless it had such ahappy vivacity with it as yours: a vivacity, which enables a person toenjoy the present, without being over-anxious about the future.
TUESDAY, ELEVEN O'CLOCK.
I have had a visit from my aunt Hervey. Betty, in her alarming way, toldme, I should have a lady to breakfast with me, whom I little expected;giving me to believe it was my mother. This fluttered me so much, onhearing a lady coming up-stairs, supposing it was she, (and not knowinghow to account for her motives in such a visit, after I had been so longbanished from her presence,) that my aunt, at her entrance, took noticeof my disorder; and, after her first salutation,
Why, Miss, said she, you seem surprised.--Upon my word, you thoughtfulyoung ladies have strange apprehensions about nothing at all. What,taking my hand, can be the matter with you?--Why, my dear, tremble,tremble, tremble, at this rate? You'll not be fit to be seen by anybody. Come, my love, kissing my cheek, pluck up a courage. By thisneedless flutter on the approaching interview, when it is over you willjudge of your other antipathies, and laugh at yourself for giving way toso apprehensive an imagination.
I said, that whatever we strongly imagined, was in its effect at thetime more than imaginary, although to others it might not appear so:that I had not rested one hour all night: that the impertinent set overme, by giving me room to think my mother was coming up, had so muchdisconcerted me, that I should be very little qualified to see any bodyI disliked to see.
There was no accounting for these things, she said. Mr. Solmes lastnight supposed he should be under as much agitation as I could be.
Who is it, then, Madam, that so reluctant an interview on both sides, isto please?
Both of you, my dear, I hope, after the first flurries are over. Themost apprehensive beginnings, I have often known, make the happiestconclusions.
There can be but one happy conclusion to the intended visit; and thatis, That both sides may be satisfied it will be the last.
She then represented how unhappy it would be for me, if I did not suffermyself to be prevailed upon: she pressed me to receive Mr. Solmesas became my education: and declared, that his apprehensions on theexpectation he had of seeing me, were owing to his love and his awe;intimating, That true love is ever accompanied by fear and reverence;and that no blustering, braving lover could deserve encouragement.
To this I answered, That constitution was to be considered: that aman of spirit would act like one, and could do nothing meanly: thata creeping mind would creep into every thing, where it had a view toobtain a benefit by it; and insult, where it had power, and nothing toexpect: that this was not a point now to be determined with me: thatI had said as much as I could possibly say on the subject: that thisinterview was imposed upon me: by those, indeed, who had a right toimpose it: but that it was sorely against my will complied with: and forthis reason, that there was aversion, not wilfulness, in the case; andso nothing could come of it, but a pretence, as I much apprehended, touse me still more severely than I had been used.
She was then pleased to charge me with prepossession and prejudice. Sheexpatiated upon the duty of a child. She imputed to me abundance of finequalities; but told me, that, in this case, that of persuadableness waswanting to crown all. She insisted upon the merit of obedience, althoughmy will were not in it. From a little hint I gave of my still greaterdislike to see Mr. Solmes, on account of the freedom I had treated himwith, she talked to me of his forgiving disposition; of his infiniterespect for me; and I cannot tell what of this sort.
I never found myself so fretful in my life: and so I told my aunt; andbegged her pardon for it. But she said, it was well disguised then; forshe saw nothing but little tremors, which were usual with young ladieswhen they were to see their admirers for the first time; and this mightbe called so, with respect to me; since it was the first time I hadconsented to see Mr. Solmes in that light--but that the next--
How, Madam, interrupted I--Is it then imagined, that I give this meetingon that footing?
To be sure it is, Child.
To be sure it is, Madam! Then I do yet desire to decline it.--I willnot, I cannot, see him, if he expects me to see him upon those terms.
Niceness, punctilio, mere punctilio, Niece!--Can you think that yourappointment, (day, place, hour,) and knowing what the intent of it was,is to be interpreted away as a mere ceremony, and to mean nothing?--Letme tell you, my dear, your father, mother, uncles, every body, respectthis appointment as the first act of your compliance with their wills:and therefore recede not, I desire you; but make a merit of what cannotbe avoided.
O the hideous wretch!--Pardon me, Madam.--I to be supposed to meetsuch a man as that, with such a view! and he to be armed with such anexpectation!--But it cannot be that he expects it, whatever others maydo.--It is plain he cannot, by the fears he tell you all he shall haveto see me. If his hope were so audacious, he could not fear so much.
Indeed, he has this hope; and justly founded too. But his fear arisesfrom his reverence, as I told you before.
His reverence!--his unworthiness!--'Tis so apparent, that even hehimself sees it, as well as every body else. Hence his offersto purchase me! Hence it is, that settlements are to make up foracknowledged want of merit!
His unworthiness, say you!--Not so fast, my dear. Does not this looklike setting a high value upon yourself?--We all have exalted notions ofyour merit, Niece; but nevertheless, it would not be wrong, if you wereto arrogate less to yourself; though more were to be your due than yourfriends attribute to you.
I am sorry, Madam, it should be thought arrogance in me, to suppose I amnot worthy of a better man than Mr. Solmes, both as to person and mind:and as to fortune, I thank God I despise all that can be insisted uponin his favour from so poor a plea.
She told me, It signified nothing to talk: I knew the expectation ofevery one.
Indeed I did not. It was impossible I could think of such a strangeexpectation, upon a compliance made only to shew I would comply in allthat was in my power to comply with.
I might easily, she said, have supposed, that every one thought I wasbeginning to oblige them all, by the kind behaviour of my brother andsister to me in the garden, last Sunday; by my sister's visit to meafterwards in my chamber (although both more stiffly received by me,than were either wished or expected); by my uncle Harlowe's affectionatevisit to me the same afternoon, not indeed so very gratefully receivedas I used to receive his favours:--but this he kindly imputed to thedispleasure I had conceived at my confinement, and to my intention tocome off by degrees, that I might keep myself in countenance for my pastopposition.
See, my dear, the low cunning of that Sunday-management, which thenso much surprised me! And see the reason why Dr. Lewen was admitted tovisit me, yet forbore to enter upon a subject about which I thought hecame to talk to me!--For it seems there was no occasion to dispute withme on the point I was to be supposed to have conceded to.--See, also,how unfairly my brother and sister must have represented their pretendedkindness, when (though the had an end to answer by appearing kind) theirantipathy to me seems to have been so strong, that they could not helpinsulting me by their arm-in-arm lover-like behaviour to each other; asmy sister afterwards likewise did, when she came to borrow my Kempis.
I lifted up my hands and eyes! I cannot, said I, give this treatment aname! The end so unlikely to be answered by means so low! I know whosethe whole is! He that could get my uncle Harlowe to contribute his part,and to procure the acquiescence of the rest of my friends to it, musthave the power to do any thing with them against me.
Again my aunt told me, that talking and invective
, now I had given theexpectation, would signify nothing. She hoped I would not shew everyone, that they had been too forward in their constructions of my desireto oblige them. She could assure me, that it would be worse for me, ifnow I receded, than if I had never advanced.
Advanced, Madam! How can you say advanced? Why, this is a trick uponme! A poor low trick! Pardon me, Madam, I don't say you have a hand init.--But, my dearest Aunt, tell me, Will not my mother be present atthis dreaded interview? Will she not so far favour me? Were it but toqualify--
Qualify, my dear, interrupted she--your mother, and your uncle Harlowewould not be present on this occasion for the world--
O then, Madam, how can they look upon my consent to this interview as anadvance?
My aunt was displeased at this home-push. Miss Clary, said she, there isno dealing with you. It would be happy for you, and for every body else,were your obedience as ready as your wit. I will leave you--
Not in anger, I hope, Madam, interrupted I--all I meant was, to observe,that let the meeting issue as it may, and as it must issue, it cannot bea disappointment to any body.
O Miss! you seem to be a very determined young creature. Mr. Solmeswill be here at your time: and remember once more, that upon the comingafternoon depend upon the peace of your whole family, and your ownhappiness.
And so saying, down she hurried.
Here I will stop. In what way I shall resume, or when, is not left tome to conjecture; much less determine. I am excessively uneasy!--No goodnews from your mother, I doubt!--I will deposit thus far, for fear ofthe worst.
Adieu, my best, rather, my only friend! CL. HARLOWE.