LETTER XLVI
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ. FRIDAY, APRIL 21.
[As it was not probable that the Lady could give so particular anaccount of her own confusion, in the affecting scene she mentions on Mr.Lovelace's offering himself to her acceptance, the following extractsare made from his letter of the above date.]
And now, Belford, what wilt thou say, if, like the fly buzzing about thebright taper, I had like to have singed the silken wings of my liberty?Never was man in greater danger of being caught in his own snares: allmy views anticipated; all my schemes untried; the admirable creature nobrought to town; nor one effort made to know if she be really angel orwoman.
I offered myself to her acceptance, with a suddenness, 'tis true, thatgave her no time to wrap herself in reserves; and in terms less tenderthan fervent, tending to upbraid her for her past indifference, and toremind her of her injunctions: for it was the fear of her brother,not her love of me, that had inclined her to dispense with thoseinjunctions.
I never beheld so sweet a confusion. What a glory to the pencil,could it do justice to it, and to the mingled impatience which visiblyinformed every feature of the most meaning and most beautiful facein the world! She hemmed twice or thrice: her look, now so charminglysilly, then so sweetly significant; till at last the lovely teaser,teased by my hesitating expectation of her answer, out of all powerof articulate speech, burst into tears, and was turning from me withprecipitation, when, presuming to fold her in my happy arms--O thinknot, best beloved of my heart, said I, think not, that this motion,which you may believe to be so contrary to your former injunctions,proceeds from a design to avail myself of the cruelty of your relations:if I have disobliged you by it, (and you know with what respectfultenderness I have presumed to hint it,) it shall be my utmost care forthe future--There I stopped----
Then she spoke, but with vexation--I am--I am--very unhappy--Tearstrickling down her crimson cheeks, and her sweet face, as my arms stillencircled the finest waist in the world, sinking upon my shoulder; thedear creature so absent, that she knew not the honour she permitted me.
But why, but why unhappy, my dearest life? said I:--all the gratitudethat ever overflowed the heart of the most obliged of men--
Justice to myself there stopped my mouth: for what gratitude did I oweher for obligations so involuntary?
Then recovering herself, and her usual reserves, and struggling to freeherself from my clasping arms, How now, Sir! said she, with a cheek moreindignantly glowing, and eyes of fiercer lustre.
I gave way to her angry struggle; but, absolutely overcome by socharming a display of innocent confusion, I caught hold of her hand asshe was flying from me, and kneeling at her fee, O my angel, said I,(quite destitute of reserve, and hardly knowing the tenor of my ownspeech; and had a parson been there, I had certainly been a gone man,)receive the vows of your faithful Lovelace. Make him yours, and onlyyours, for ever. This will answer every end. Who will dare to form plotsand stratagems against my wife? That you are not so is the ground ofall their foolish attempts, and of their insolent hopes in Solmes'sfavour.--O be mine!--I beseech you (thus on my knee I beseech you) tobe mine. We shall then have all the world with us. And every body willapplaud an event that every body expects.
Was the devil in me! I no more intended all this ecstatic nonsense, thanI thought the same moment of flying in the air! All power is with thischarming creature. It is I, not she, at this rate, that must fail in thearduous trial.
Didst thou ever before hear of a man uttering solemn things by aninvoluntary impulse, in defiance of premeditation, and of all his proudschemes? But this sweet creature is able to make a man forego everypurpose of his heart that is not favourable to her. And I verily thinkI should be inclined to spare her all further trial (and yet what trialhas she had?) were it not for the contention that her vigilance has seton foot, which shall overcome the other. Thou knowest my generosityto my uncontending Rosebud--and sometimes do I qualify myardent aspirations after even this very fine creature, by thisreflection:--That the most charming woman on earth, were she an empress,can excel the meanest in the customary visibles only. Such is theequality of the dispensation, to the prince and the peasant, in thisprime gift WOMAN.
Well, but what was the result of this involuntary impulse on mypart?--Wouldst thou not think; I was taken at my offer?--An offer sosolemnly made, and on one knee too?
No such thing! The pretty trifler let me off as easily as I could havewished.
Her brother's project; and to find that there were no hopes of areconciliation for her; and the apprehension she had of the mischiefsthat might ensue; these, not my offer, nor love of me, were the causesto which she ascribed all her sweet confusion--an ascription that ishigh treason against my sovereign pride,--to make marriage with me buta second-place refuge; and as good as to tell me that her confusionwas owing to her concern that there were no hopes that my enemies wouldaccept of her intended offer to renounce a man who had ventured his lifefor her, and was still ready to run the same risque in her behalf!
I re-urged her to make me happy, but I was to be postponed to her cousinMorden's arrival. On him are now placed all her hopes.
I raved; but to no purpose.
Another letter was to be sent, or had been sent, to her aunt Hervey, towhich she hoped an answer.
Yet sometimes I think that fainter and fainter would have been herprocrastinations, had I been a man of courage--but so fearful was I ofoffending!
A confounded thing! The man to be so bashful; the woman to want so muchcourting!--How shall two such come together--no kind mediatress in theway?
But I must be contented. 'Tis seldom, however, that a love so ardent asmine, meets with a spirit so resigned in the same person. But true love,I am now convinced, only wishes: nor has it any active will but that ofthe adored object.
But, O the charming creature, again of herself to mention London! HadSingleton's plot been of my own contriving, a more happy expedient couldnot have been thought of to induce her to resume her purpose of goingthither; nor can I divine what could be her reason for postponing it.
I enclose the letter from Joseph Leman, which I mentioned to thee inmine of Monday last,* with my answer to it. I cannot resist the vanitythat urges me to the communication. Otherwise, it were better, perhaps,that I suffer thee to imagine that this lady's stars fight againsther, and dispense the opportunities in my favour, which are only theconsequences of my own invention.