LETTER LXI
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ. TUESDAY, APRIL 25.
All hands at work in preparation for London.--What makes my heart beatso strong? Why rises it to my throat in such half-choking flutters, whenI think of what this removal may do for me? I am hitherto resolved tobe honest, and that increases my wonder at these involuntary commotions.'Tis a plotting villain of a heart: it ever was--and ever will be, Idoubt. Such a joy when any roguery is going forward!--I so little itsmaster!--A head, likewise, so well turned to answer the triangularvarlet's impulses!--No matter--I will have one struggle with thee, oldfriend; and if I cannot overcome thee now, I never will again attempt toconquer thee.
The dear creature continues extremely low and dejected. Tender blossom!how unfit to contend with the rude and ruffling winds of passion, andhaughty and insolent control!--Never till now from under the wing (it isnot enough to say of indulging, but) of admiring parents; the mother'sbosom only fit to receive this charming flower!
This was the reflection, that, with mingled compassion, and augmentedlove, arose to my mind, when I beheld the charmer reposing her lovelyface upon the bosom of the widow Sorlings, from a recovered fit, as Ientered soon after she had received her execrable sister's letter. Howlovely in her tears!--And as I entered, her uplifted face significantlybespeaking my protection, as I thought. And can I be a villain to suchan angel!--I hope not--But why, Belford, why, once more, puttest thoume in mind, that she may be overcome? And why is her own reliance on myhonour so late and so reluctantly shown?
But, after all, so low, so dejected, continues she to be, that I amterribly afraid I shall have a vapourish wife, if I do marry. I shouldthen be doubly undone. Not that I shall be much at home with her,perhaps, after the first fortnight, or so. But when a man has beenranging, like the painful bee, from flower to flower, perhaps for amonth together, and the thoughts of home and a wife begin to have theircharms with him, to be received by a Niobe, who, like a wounded vine,weeps her vitals away, while she but involuntary curls about him; howshall I be able to bear that?
May Heaven restore my charmer to health and spirits, I hourly pray--thata man may see whether she can love any body but her father and mother!In their power, I am confident, it will be, at any time, to make herhusband joyless; and that, as I hate them so heartily, is a shockingthing to reflect upon.--Something more than woman, an angel, in somethings; but a baby in others: so father-sick! so family-fond!--What apoor chance stands a husband with such a wife! unless, forsooth, theyvouchsafe to be reconciled to her, and continue reconciled!
It is infinitely better for her and for me that we should not marry.What a delightful manner of life [O that I could persuade her toit!] would the life of honour be with such a woman! The fears, theinquietudes, the uneasy days, the restless nights; all arising fromdoubts of having disobliged me! Every absence dreaded to be anabsence for ever! And then how amply rewarded, and rewarding, by therapture-causing return! Such a passion as this keeps love in a continualfervour--makes it all alive. The happy pair, instead of sitting dozingand nodding at each other, in opposite chimney-corners, in a winterevening, and over a wintry love, always new to each other, and havingalways something to say.
Thou knowest, in my verses to my Stella, my mind on this occasion.I will lay those verses in her way, as if undesignedly, when we aretogether at the widow's; that is to say, if we do not soon go to churchby consent. She will thence see what my notions are of wedlock. If shereceives them with any sort of temper, that will be a foundation--andlet me alone to build upon it.
Many a girl has been carried, who never would have been attempted, hadshe showed a proper resentment, when her ears, or her eyes were firstinvaded. I have tried a young creature by a bad book, a light quotation,or an indecent picture; and if she has borne that, or only blushed, andnot been angry; and more especially if she has leered and smiled; thatgirl have I, and old Satan, put down for our own. O how I could warnthese little rogues, if I would! Perhaps envy, more than virtue, willput me upon setting up beacons for them, when I grow old and joyless.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON.
If you are in London when I get thither, you will see me soon. Mycharmer is a little better than she was: her eyes show it; and herharmonious voice, hardly audible last time I saw her, now begins tocheer my heart once more. But yet she has no love--no sensibility!There is no addressing her with those meaning, yet innocent freedoms(innocent, at first setting out, they may be called) which soften othersof her sex. The more strange this, as she now acknowledges preferablefavour for me; and is highly susceptible of grief. Grief mollifies,and enervates. The grieved mind looks round it, silently imploresconsolation, and loves the soother. Grief is ever an inmate with joy.Though they won't show themselves at the same window at one time; yetthey have the whole house in common between them.