LETTER XI
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.MONDAY, JUNE 5.
I am now almost in despair of succeeding with this charming frost-pieceby love or gentleness.--A copy of the draughts, as I told thee, has beensent to Captain Tomlinson; and that by a special messenger. Engrossmentsare proceeding with. I have been again at the Commons.--Should in allprobability have procured a license by Mallory's means, had not Mallory'sfriend, the proctor, been suddenly sent for to Chestnut, to make an oldlady's will. Pritchard has told me by word of mouth, though my charmersaw him not, all that was necessary for her to know in the letter my Lordwrote, which I could not show her: and taken my directions about theestates to be made over to me on my nuptials.--Yet, with all thesefavourable appearances, no conceding moment to be found, no improvabletenderness to be raised.
But never, I believe, was there so true, so delicate a modesty in thehuman mind as in that of this lady. And this has been my security allalong; and, in spite of Miss Howe's advice to her, will be so still;since, if her delicacy be a fault, she can no more overcome it than I canmy aversion to matrimony. Habit, habit, Jack, seest thou not? maysubject us both to weaknesses. And should she not have charity for me,as I have for her?
Twice indeed with rapture, which once she called rude, did I salute her;and each time resenting the freedom, did she retire; though, to do herjustice, she favoured me again with her presence at my first entreaty,and took no notice of the cause of her withdrawing.
Is it policy to show so open a resentment for innocent liberties, which,in her situation, she must so soon forgive?
Yet the woman who resents not initiatory freedoms must be lost. For loveis an encroacher. Love never goes backward. Love is always aspiring.Always must aspire. Nothing but the highest act of love can satisfy anindulged love. And what advantages has a lover, who values not breakingthe peace, over his mistress who is solicitous to keep it!
I have now at this instant wrought myself up, for the dozenth time, to ahalf-resolution. A thousand agreeable things I have to say to her. Sheis in the dining-room. Just gone up. She always expects me when there.
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High displeasure!--followed by an abrupt departure.
I sat down by her. I took both her hands in mine. I would have it so.All gentle my voice. Her father mentioned with respect. Her mother withreverence. Even her brother amicably spoken of. I never thought I couldhave wished so ardently, as I told her I did wish, for a reconciliationwith her family.
A sweet and grateful flush then overspread her fair face; a gentle sighnow-and-then heaved her handkerchief.
I perfectly longed to hear from Captain Tomlinson. It was impossible forthe uncle to find fault with the draught of the settlements. I wouldnot, however, be understood, by sending them down, that I intended to putit in her uncle's power to delay my happy day. When, when was it to be?
I would hasten again to the Commons; and would not return without thelicense.
The Lawn I proposed to retire to, as soon as the happy ceremony was over.This day and that day I proposed.
It was time enough to name the day, when the settlements were completed,and the license obtained. Happy should she be, could the kind CaptainTomlinson obtain her uncle's presence privately.
A good hint!--It may perhaps be improved upon--either for a delay or apacifier.
No new delays for Heaven's sake, I besought her; and reproached hergently for the past. Name but the day--(an early day, I hoped it wouldbe, in the following week)--that I might hail its approach, and numberthe tardy hours.
My cheek reclined on her shoulder--kissing her hands by turns. Ratherbashfully than angrily reluctant, her hands sought to be withdrawn; hershoulder avoiding my reclined cheek--apparently loth, and more loth toquarrel with me; her downcast eye confessing more than her lips canutter. Now surely, thought I, is my time to try if she can forgive astill bolder freedom than I had ever yet taken.
I then gave her struggling hands liberty. I put one arm round her waist:I imprinted a kiss on her sweet lip, with a Be quiet only, and an avertedface, as if she feared another.
Encouraged by so gentle a repulse, the tenderest things I said; and then,with my other hand, drew aside the handkerchief that concealed the beautyof beauties, and pressed with my burning lips the most charming breastthat ever my ravished eyes beheld.
A very contrary passion to that which gave her bosom so delightful aswell, immediately took place. She struggled out of my encircling armswith indignation. I detained her reluctant hand. Let me go, said she.I see there is no keeping terms with you. Base encroacher! Is this thedesign of your flattering speeches? Far as matters have gone, I will forever renounce you. You have an odious heart. Let me go, I tell you.
I was forced to obey, and she flung from me, repeating base, and addingflattering, encroacher.
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In vain have I urged by Dorcas for the promised favour of dining with her.She would not dine at all. She could not.
But why makes she every inch of her person thus sacred?--So near the timetoo, that she must suppose, that all will be my own by deed of purchaseand settlement?
She has read, no doubt, of the art of the eastern monarchs, who sequesterthemselves from the eyes of their subjects, in order to excite theiradoration, when, upon some solemn occasions, they think fit to appear inpublic.
But let me ask thee, Belford, whether (on these solemn occasions) thepreceding cavalcade; here a greater officer, and there a great minister,with their satellites, and glaring equipages; do not prepare the eyes ofthe wondering beholders, by degrees, to bear the blaze of canopy'dmajesty (what though but an ugly old man perhaps himself? yet) glitteringin the collected riches of his vast empire?
And should not my beloved, for her own sake, descend, by degrees, fromgoddess-hood into humanity? If it be pride that restrains her, ought notthat pride to be punished? If, as in the eastern emperors, it be art aswell as pride, art is what she of all women need not use. If shame, whata shame to be ashamed to communicate to her adorer's sight the mostadmirable of her personal graces?
Let me perish, Belford, if I would not forego the brightest diadem in theworld, for the pleasure of seeing a twin Lovelace at each charmingbreast, drawing from it his first sustenance; the pious task, forphysical reasons,* continued for one month and no more!
* In Pamela, Vol. III. Letter XXXII. these reasons are given, and areworthy of every parent's consideration, as is the whole Letter, whichcontains the debate between Mr. B. and his Pamela, on the importantsubject of mothers being nurses to their own children.
I now, methinks, behold this most charming of women in this sweet office:her conscious eye now dropt on one, now on the other, with a sigh ofmaternal tenderness, and then raised up to my delighted eye, full ofwishes, for the sake of the pretty varlets, and for her own sake, that Iwould deign to legitimate; that I would condescend to put on the nuptialfetters.