LETTER XIX
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.MONDAY MORN. FIVE O'CLOCK (JUNE 19.)
I must write on. Nothing else can divert me: and I think thou canst nothave been a dog to me.
I would fain have closed my eyes: but sleep flies me. Well says Horace,as translated by Cowley:
The halcyon sleep will never build his nest In any stormy breast. 'Tis not enough that he does find Clouds and darkness in the mind: Darkness but half his work will do. 'Tis not enough: he must find quiet too.
Now indeed do I from my heart wish that I had never known this lady. Butwho would have thought there had been such a woman in the world? Of allthe sex I have hitherto known, or heard, or read of, it was once subdued,and always subdued. The first struggle was generally the last; or, atleast, the subsequent struggles were so much fainter and fainter, that aman would rather have them than be without them. But how know I yet----
***
It is now near six--the sun for two hours past has been illuminatingevery thing about me: for that impartial orb shines upon MotherSinclair's house as well as upon any other: but nothing within me can itilluminate.
At day-dawn I looked through the key-hole of my beloved's door. She haddeclared she would not put off her clothes any more in this house. ThereI beheld her in a sweet slumber, which I hope will prove refreshing toher disturbed senses; sitting in her elbow-chair, her apron over herhead; her head supported by one sweet hand, the other hand hanging downupon her side, in a sleepy lifelessness; half of one pretty foot onlyvisible.
See the difference in our cases! thought I: she, the charming injured,can sweetly sleep, while the varlet injurer cannot close his eyes; andhas been trying, to no purpose, the whole night to divert his melancholy,and to fly from himself!
As every vice generally brings on its own punishment, even in this life;if any thing were to tempt me to doubt of future punishment, it would be,that there can hardly be a greater than that in which I at this instantexperience in my own remorse.
I hope it will go off. If not, well will the dear creature be avenged;for I shall be the most miserable of men.
***
SIX O'CLOCK.
Just now Dorcas tells me, that her lady is preparing openly, and withoutdisguise, to be gone. Very probable. The humour she flew away from mein last night has given me expectation of such an enterprize.
Now, Jack, to be thus hated and despised!--And if I have sinned beyondforgiveness----
But she has sent me a message by Dorcas, that she will meet me in thedining-room; and desires [odd enough] that the wretch may be present atthe conversation that shall pass between us. This message gives me hope.
NINE O'CLOCK.
Confounded art, cunning villany!--By my soul, she had like to haveslipped through my fingers! She meant nothing by her message but to getDorcas out of the way, and a clear coast. Is a fancied distress,sufficient to justify this lady for dispensing with her principles? Doesshe not show me that she can wilfully deceive, as well as I?
Had she been in the fore-house, and no passage to go through to get atthe street-door, she had certainly been gone. But her haste betrayedher: for Sally Martin happening to be in the fore-parlour, and hearing aswifter motion than usual, and a rustling of silks, as if from somebodyin a hurry, looked out; and seeing who it was, stept between her and thedoor, and set her back against it.
You must not go, Madam. Indeed you must not.
By what right?--And how dare you?--And such-like imperious airs the dearcreature gave herself.--While Sally called out for her aunt; and half adozen voiced joined instantly in the cry, for me to hasten down, tohasten down in a moment.
I was gravely instructing Dorcas above stairs, and wondering what wouldbe the subject of the conversation to which the wench was to be awitness, when these outcries reached my ears. And down I flew.--Andthere was the charming creature, the sweet deceiver, panting for breath,her back against the partition, a parcel in her hand, [women make noexcursions without their parcels,] Sally, Polly, (but Polly obliginglypleaded for her,) the mother, Mabell, and Peter, (the footman of thehouse,) about her; all, however, keeping their distance; the mother andSally between her and the door--in her soft rage the dear soul repeating,I will go--nobody has a right--I will go--if you kill me, women, I won'tgo up again!
As soon as she saw me, she stept a pace or two towards me; Mr. Lovelace,I will go! said she--do you authorize these women--what right have they,or you either, to stop me?
Is this, my dear, preparative to the conversation you led me to expect inthe dining-room? And do you thing [sic] I can part with you thus?--Doyou think I will.
And am I, Sir, to be thus beset?--Surrounded thus?--What have these womento do with me?
I desired them to leave us, all but Dorcas, who was down as soon as I. Ithen thought it right to assume an air of resolution, having found mytameness so greatly triumphed over. And now, my dear, said I, (urgingher reluctant feet,) be pleased to walk into the fore-parlour. Here,since you will not go up stairs, here we may hold our parley; and Dorcaswill be witness to it. And now, Madam, seating her, and sticking myhands in my sides, your pleasure!
Insolent villain! said the furious lady. And rising, ran to the window,and threw up the sash, [she knew not, I suppose, that there were ironrails before the windows.] And, when she found she could not get outinto the street, clasping her uplifted hands together, having dropt herparcel--For the love of God, good honest man!--For the love of God,mistress--[to two passers by,] a poor, a poor creature, said she, ruined!----
I clasped her in my arms, people beginning to gather about the window:and then she cried out Murder! help! help! and carried her up to thedining-room, in spite of her little plotting heart, (as I may now callit,) although she violently struggled, catching hold of the banistershere and there, as she could. I would have seated her there; but shesunk down half-motionless, pale as ashes. And a violent burst of tearshappily relieved her.
Dorcas wept over her. The wench was actually moved for her!
Violent hysterics succeeded. I left her to Mabell, Dorcas, and Polly;the latter the most supportable to her of the sisterhood.
This attempt, so resolutely made, alarmed me not a little.
Mrs. Sinclair and her nymphs, are much more concerned; because of thereputation of their house as they call it, having received some insults(broken windows threatened) to make them produce the young creature whocried out.
While the mobbish inquisitors were in the height of their office, thewomen came running up to me, to know what they should do; a constablebeing actually fetched.
Get the constable into the parlour, said I, with three or four of theforwardest of the mob, and produce one of the nymphs, onion-eyed, in amoment, with disordered head-dress and handkerchief, and let her ownherself the person: the occasion, a female skirmish: but satisfied withthe justice done her. Then give a dram or two to each fellow, and allwill be well.
ELEVEN O'CLOCK.
All done as I advised; and all is well.
Mrs. Sinclair wishes she had never seen the face of so skittish a lady;and she and Sally are extremely pressing with me, to leave the perversebeauty to their breaking, as they call it, for four or five days. But Icursed them into silence; only ordering double precaution for the future.
Polly, though she consoled the dear perverse one all she could, when withher, insists upon it to me, that nothing but terror will procure metolerable usage.
Dorcas was challenged by the women upon her tears. She owned them real.Said she was ashamed of herself: but could not help it. So sincere, sounyielding a grief, in so sweet a lady!--
The women laughed at her; but I bid her make no apologies for her tears,nor mind their laughing. I was glad to see them so ready. Good usemight be made of such strangers. In short, I would not have her indulgethem often, and try if it were not possible to gain her lady's confidenceby her concern for her.
She
said that her lady did take kind notice of them to her; and was gladto see such tokens of humanity in her.
Well then, said I, your part, whether any thing come of it or not, is tobe tender-hearted. It can do no harm, if no good. But take care you arenot too suddenly, or too officiously compassionate.
So Dorcas will be a humane, good sort of creature, I believe, veryquickly with her lady. And as it becomes women to be so, and as mybeloved is willing to think highly of her own sex; it will the morereadily pass with her.
I thought to have had one trial (having gone so far) for cohabitation.But what hope can there be of succeeding?--She is invincible!--Againstall my motions, against all my conceptions, (thinking of her as a woman,and in the very bloom of her charms,) she is absolutely invincible. Mywhole view, at the present, is to do her legal justice, if I can but oncemore get her out of her altitudes.
The consent of such a woman must make her ever new, ever charming. Butastonishing! Can the want of a church-ceremony make such a difference!
She owes me her consent; for hitherto I have had nothing to boast of.All of my side, has been deep remorse, anguish of mind, and loveincreased rather than abated.
How her proud rejection stings me!--And yet I hope still to get her tolisten to my stories of the family-reconciliation, and of her uncle andCapt. Tomlinson--and as she has given me a pretence to detain her againsther will, she must see me, whether in temper or not.--She cannot help it.And if love will not do, terror, as the women advise, must be tried.
A nice part, after all, has my beloved to act. If she forgive me easily,I resume perhaps my projects:--if she carry her rejection into violence,that violence may make me desperate, and occasion fresh violence. Sheought, since she thinks she has found the women out, to consider whereshe is.
I am confoundedly out of conceit with myself. If I give up mycontrivances, my joy in stratagem, and plot, and invention, I shall bebut a common man; such another dull heavy creature as thyself. Yet whatdoes even my success in my machinations bring me but regret, disgrace,repentance? But I am overmatched, egregiously overmatched, by thiswoman. What to do with her, or without her, I know not.