LETTER III
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.SUNDAY MORNING.
I have had the honour of my charmer's company for two complete hours. Wemet before six in Mrs. Moore's garden. A walk on the Heath refused me.
The sedateness of her aspect and her kind compliance in this meeting gaveme hopes. And all that either the Captain and I had urged yesterday toobtain a full and free pardon, that re-urged I; and I told her, besides,that Captain Tomlinson was gone down with hopes to prevail upon her uncleHarlowe to come up in person, in order to present to me the greatestblessing that man ever received.
But the utmost I could obtain was, that she would take no resolution inmy favour till she received Miss Howe's next letter.
I will not repeat the arguments I used; but I will give thee thesubstance of what she said in answer to them.
She had considered of every thing, she told me. My whole conduct wasbefore her. The house I carried her to must be a vile house. The peopleearly showed what they were capable of, in the earnest attempt made tofasten Miss Partington upon her; as she doubted not, with my approbation.[Surely, thought I, she has not received a duplicate of Miss Howe'sletter of detection!] They heard her cries. My insult was undoubtedlypremeditated. By my whole recollected behaviour to her, previous to it,it must be so. I had the vilest of views, no question. And my treatmentof her put it out of all doubt.
Soul over all, Belford! She seems sensible of liberties that my passionmade me insensible of having taken, or she could not so deeply resent.
She besought me to give over all thoughts of her. Sometimes, she said,she thought herself cruelly treated by her nearest and dearest relations;at such times, a spirit of repining and even of resentment took place;and the reconciliation, at other times so desirable, was not then so muchthe favourite wish of her heart, as was the scheme she had formerlyplanned--of taking her good Norton for her directress and guide, andliving upon her own estate in the manner her grandfather had intended sheshould live.
This scheme she doubted not that her cousin Morden, who was one of hertrustees for that estate, would enable her, (and that, as she hoped,without litigation,) to pursue. And if he can, and does, what, Sir, letme ask you, said she, have I seen in your conduct, that should make meprefer to it an union of interest, where there is such a disunion inminds?
So thou seest, Jack, there is reason, as well as resentment, in thepreference she makes against me!--Thou seest, that she presumes to thinkthat she can be happy without me; and that she must be unhappy with me!
I had besought her, in the conclusion of my re-urged arguments, to writeto Miss Howe before Miss Howe's answer could come, in order to lay beforeher the present state of things; and if she would pay a deference to herjudgment, to let her have an opportunity to give it, on the full knowledgeof the case--
So I would, Mr. Lovelace, was the answer, if I were in doubt myself,which I would prefer--marriage, or the scheme I have mentioned. Youcannot think, Sir, but the latter must be my choice. I wish to part withyou with temper--don't put me upon repeating--
Part with me, Madam! interrupted I--I cannot bear those words!--But letme beseech you, however, to write to Miss Howe. I hope, if Miss Howe isnot my enemy--
She is not the enemy of your person, Sir;--as you would be convinced, ifyou saw her last letter* to me. But were she not an enemy to youractions, she would not be my friend, nor the friend of virtue. Why willyou provoke from me, Mr. Lovelace, the harshness of expression, which,however, which, however deserved by you, I am unwilling just now to use,having suffered enough in the two past days from my own vehemence?
* The lady innocently means Mr. Lovelace's forged one. See Vol. V.Letter XXX.
I bit my lip for vexation. And was silent.
Miss Howe, proceeded she, knows the full state of matters already, Sir.The answer I expect from her respects myself, not you. Her heart is toowarm in the cause of friendship, to leave me in suspense one momentlonger than is necessary as to what I want to know. Nor does her answerabsolutely depend upon herself. She must see a person first, and thatperson perhaps see others.
The cursed smuggler-woman, Jack!--Miss Howe's Townsend, I doubt not--Plot, contrivance, intrigue, stratagem!--Underground-moles these women--but let the earth cover me!--let me be a mole too, thought I, if theycarry their point!--and if this lady escape me now!
She frankly owned that she had once thought of embarking out of all ourways for some one of our American colonies. But now that she had beencompelled to see me, (which had been her greatest dread), and which shemight be happiest in the resumption of her former favourite scheme, ifMiss Howe could find her a reputable and private asylum, till her cousinMorden could come.--But if he came not soon, and if she had a difficultyto get to a place of refuge, whether from her brother or from any bodyelse, [meaning me, I suppose,] she might yet perhaps go abroad; for, tosay the truth, she could not think of returning to her father's house,since her brother's rage, her sister's upbraidings, her father's anger,her mother's still-more-affecting sorrowings, and her own consciousnessunder them all, would be unsupportable to her.
O Jack! I am sick to death, I pine, I die, for Miss Howe's next letter!I would bind, gag, strip, rob, and do any thing but murder, to interceptit.
But, determined as she seems to be, it was evident to me, nevertheless,that she had still some tenderness for me.
She often wept as she talked, and much oftener sighed. She looked at metwice with an eye of undoubted gentleness, and three times with an eyetending to compassion and softness; but its benign rays were as oftensnatched back, as I may say, and her face averted, as if her sweet eyeswere not to be trusted, and could not stand against my eager eyes;seeking, as they did, for a lost heart in her's, and endeavouring topenetrate to her very soul.
More than once I took her hand. She struggled not much against thefreedom. I pressed it once with my lips--she was not very angry. Afrown indeed--but a frown that had more distress in it than indignation.
How came the dear soul, (clothed as it is with such a silken vesture,) byall its steadiness?* Was it necessary that the active gloom of such atyrant of a father, should commix with such a passive sweetness of awill-less mother, to produce a constancy, an equanimity, a steadiness, inthe daughter, which never woman before could boast of? If so, she ismore obliged to that despotic father than I could have imagined acreature to be, who gave distinction to every one related to her beyondwhat the crown itself can confer.
* See Vol. I. Letters IX. XIV. and XIX. for what she herself says on thatsteadiness which Mr. Lovelace, though a deserved sufferer by it, cannothelp admiring.
I hoped, I said, that she would admit of the intended visit, which I hadso often mentioned, of the two ladies.
She was here. She had seen me. She could not help herself at present.She even had the highest regard for the ladies of my family, because oftheir worthy characters. There she turned away her sweet face, andvanquished an half-risen sigh.
I kneeled to her then. It was upon a verdant cushion; for we were uponthe grass walk. I caught her hand. I besought her with an earnestnessthat called up, as I could feel, my heart to my eyes, to make me, by herforgiveness and example, more worthy of them, and of her own kind andgenerous wishes. By my soul, Madam, said I, you stab me with yourgoodness--your undeserved goodness! and I cannot bear it!
Why, why, thought I, as I did several times in this conversation, willshe not generously forgive me? Why will she make it necessary for me tobring Lady Betty and my cousin to my assistance? Can the fortress expectthe same advantageous capitulation, which yields not to the summons of aresistless conqueror, as if it gave not the trouble of bringing up andraising its heavy artillery against it?
What sensibilities, said the divine creature, withdrawing her hand, mustthou have suppressed! What a dreadful, what a judicial hardness of heartmust thine be! who canst be capable of such emotions, as sometimes thouhast shown; and of such sentiments, as sometimes have flowed from t
hylips; yet canst have so far overcome them all as to be able to act asthou hast acted, and that from settled purpose and premeditation; andthis, as it is said, throughout the whole of thy life, from infancy tothis time!
I told her, that I had hoped, from the generous concern she had expressedfor me, when I was so suddenly and dangerously taken ill--[theipecacuanha experiment, Jack!]
She interrupted me--Well have you rewarded me for the concern you speakof!--However, I will frankly own, now that I am determined to think nomore of you, that you might, (unsatisfied as I nevertheless was withyou,) have made an interest--
She paused. I besought her to proceed.
Do you suppose, Sir, and turned away her sweet face as we walked,--Do yousuppose that I had not thought of laying down a plan to govern myself by,when I found myself so unhappily over-reached and cheated, as I may say,out of myself--When I found, that I could not be, and do, what I wishedto be, and to do, do you imagine that I had not cast about, what was thenext proper course to take?--And do you believe that this next course hasnot caused me some pain to be obliged to--
There again she stopt.
But let us break off discourse, resumed she. The subject grows too--Shesighed--Let us break off discourse--I will go in--I will prepare forchurch--[The devil! thought I.] Well, as I can appear in thoseevery-day-worn clothes--looking upon herself--I will go to church.
She then turned from me to go into the house.
Bless me, my beloved creature, bless me with the continuance of thisaffecting conversation.--Remorse has seized my heart!--I have beenexcessively wrong--give me farther cause to curse my heedless folly, bythe continuance of this calm but soul-penetrating conversation.
No, no, Mr. Lovelace: I have said too much. Impatience begins to breakin upon me. If you can excuse me to the ladies, it will be better formy mind's sake, and for your credit's sake, that I do not see them. Callme to them over-nice, petulant, prudish--what you please call me to them.Nobody but Miss Howe, to whom, next to the Almighty, and my own mother, Iwish to stand acquitted of wilful error, shall know the whole of what haspassed. Be happy, as you may!--Deserve to be happy, and happy you willbe, in your own reflection at least, were you to be ever so unhappy inother respects. For myself, if I ever shall be enabled, on duereflection, to look back upon my own conduct, without the great reproachof having wilfully, and against the light of my own judgment, erred, Ishall be more happy than if I had all that the world accounts desirable.
The noble creature proceeded; for I could not speak.
This self-acquittal, when spirits are lent me to dispel the darknesswhich at present too often over-clouds my mind, will, I hope, make mesuperior to all the calamities that can befal me.
Her whole person was informed by her sentiments. She seemed to be tallerthan before. How the God within her exalted her, not only above me, butabove herself!
Divine creature! (as I thought her,) I called her. I acknowledged thesuperiority of her mind; and was proceeding--but she interrupted me--Allhuman excellence, said she, is comparative only. My mind, I believe, isindeed superior to your's, debased as your's is by evil habits: but I hadnot known it to be so, if you had not taken pains to convince me of theinferiority of your's.
How great, how sublimely great, this creature!--By my soul I cannotforgive her for her virtues! There is no bearing the consciousness ofthe infinite inferiority she charged me with.--But why will she breakfrom me, when good resolutions are taking place? The red-hot iron sherefuses to strike--O why will she suffer the yielding wax to harden?
We had gone but a few paces towards the house, when we were met by theimpertinent women, with notice, that breakfast was ready. I could only,with uplifted hands, beseech her to give me hope of a renewedconversation after breakfast.
No--she would go to church.
And into the house she went, and up stairs directly. Nor would sheoblige me with her company at the tea-table.
I offered, by Mrs. Moore, to quit both the table and the parlour, ratherthan she should exclude herself, or deprive the two widows of the favourof her company.
That was not all the matter, she told Mrs. Moore. She had beenstruggling to keep down her temper. It had cost her some pains to do it.She was desirous to compose herself, in hopes to receive benefit by thedivine worship she was going to join in.
Mrs. Moore hoped for her presence at dinner.
She had rather be excused. Yet, if she could obtain the frame of mindshe hoped for, she might not be averse to show, that she had got abovethose sensibilities, which gave consideration to a man who deserved notto be to her what he had been.
This said, no doubt, to let Mrs. Moore know, that the garden-conversationhad not been a reconciling one.
Mrs. Moore seemed to wonder that we were not upon a better foot ofunderstanding, after so long a conference; and the more, as she believedthat the lady had given in to the proposal for the repetition of theceremony, which I had told them was insisted upon by her uncle Harlowe.--But I accounted for this, by telling both widows that she was resolved tokeep on the reserve till she heard from Captain Tomlinson, whether heruncle would be present in person at the solemnity, or would name thatworthy gentleman for his proxy.
Again I enjoined strict secresy, as to this particular; which waspromised by the widows, as well as for themselves, as for Miss Rawlins;of whose taciturnity they gave me such an account, as showed me, that shewas secret-keeper-general to all the women of fashion at Hampstead.
The Lord, Jack! What a world of mischief, at this rate, must MissRawlins know!--What a Pandora's box must her bosom be!--Yet, had Inothing that was more worthy of my attention to regard, I would engage toopen it, and make my uses of the discovery.
And now, Belford, thou perceivest, that all my reliance is upon themediation of Lady Betty and Miss Montague, and upon the hope ofintercepting Miss Howe's next letter.