LETTER XLII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWESUNDAY, JULY 23.
The letter accompanying this being upon a very particular subject, Iwould not embarrass it, as I may say, with any other. And yet havingsome farther matters upon my mind, which will want your excuse fordirecting them to you, I hope the following lines will have that excuse.
My good Mrs. Norton, so long ago as in a letter dated the 3d of thismonth,* hinted to me that my relations took amiss some severe things youwere pleased, in love to me, to say to them. Mrs. Norton mentioned itwith that respectful love which she bears to my dearest friend: butwished, for my sake, that you would rein in a vivacity, which, on mostother occasions, so charmingly becomes you. This was her sense. Youknow that I am warranted to speak and write freer to my Anna Howe thanMrs. Norton would do.
* See Vol. VI. Letter LXIII.
I durst not mention it to you at that time, because appearances were sostrong against me, on Mr. Lovelace's getting me again into his power,(after my escape to Hampstead,) as made you very angry with me when youanswered mine on my second escape. And, soon afterwards, I was put underthat barbarous arrest; so that I could not well touch upon the subjecttill now.
Now, therefore, my dearest Miss Howe, let me repeat my earnest request(for this is not the first time by several that I have been obliged tochide you on this occasion,) that you will spare my parents, and otherrelations, in all your conversations about me. Indeed, I wish they hadthought fit to take other measures with me: But who shall judge for them?--The event has justified them, and condemned me.--They expected nothinggood of this vile man; he had not, therefore, deceived them: but theyexpected other things from me; and I have. And they have the more reasonto be set against me, if (as my aunt Hervey wrote* formerly,) theyintended not to force my inclinations in favour of Mr. Solmes; and ifthey believe that my going off was the effect of choice andpremeditation.
* See Vol. III. Letter LII.
I have no desire to be received to favour by them: For why should I sitdown to wish for what I have no reason to expect?--Besides, I could notlook them in the face, if they would receive me. Indeed I could not.All I have to hope for is, first, that my father will absolve me from hisheavy malediction: and next, for a last blessing. The obtaining of thesefavours are needful to my peace of mind.
I have written to my sister; but have only mentioned the absolution.
I am afraid I shall receive a very harsh answer from her: my fault, inthe eyes of my family, is of so enormous a nature, that my firstapplication will hardly be encouraged. Then they know not (nor perhapswill believe) that I am so very ill as I am. So that, were I actually todie before they could have time to take the necessary informations, youmust not blame them too severely. You must call it a fatality. I knownot what you must call it: for, alas! I have made them as miserable as Iam myself. And yet sometimes I think that, were they cheerfully topronounce me forgiven, I know not whether my concern for having offendedthem would not be augmented: since I imagine that nothing can be morewounding to a spirit not ungenerous than a generous forgiveness.
I hope your mother will permit our correspondence for one month more,although I do not take her advice as to having this man. Whencatastrophes are winding up, what changes (changes that make one's heartshudder to think of,) may one short month produce?--But if she will not--why then, my dear, it becomes us both to acquiesce.
You can't think what my apprehensions would have been, had I known Mr.Hickman was to have had a meeting (on such a questioning occasion as musthave been his errand from you) with that haughty and uncontroulable man.
You give me hope of a visit from Mr. Hickman: let him expect to see megreatly altered. I know he loves me: for he loves every one whom youlove. A painful interview, I doubt! But I shall be glad to see a manwhom you will one day, and that on an early day, I hope, make happy;whose gentle manners, and unbounded love for you, will make you so, if itbe not your own fault.
I am, my dearest, kindest friend, the sweet companion of my happy hours,the friend ever dearest and nearest to my fond heart,
Your equally obliged and faithful,CLARISSA HARLOWE.