LETTER L
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWETHURSDAY, JULY 27.
MY DEAREST MISS HOWE,
After I have thankfully acknowledged your favour in sending Mr. Hickmanto visit me before you set out upon your intended journey, I must chideyou (in the sincerity of that faithful love, which could not be the loveit is if it would not admit of that cementing freedom) for suspending thedecisive negative, which, upon such full deliberation, I had entreatedyou to give to Mr. Lovelace's relations.
I am sorry that I am obliged to repeat to you, my dear, who know me sowell, that, were I sure I should live many years, I would not have Mr.Lovelace; much less can I think of him, as it is probable I may not liveone.
As to the world and its censures, you know, my dear, that, howeverdesirous I always was of a fair fame, yet I never thought it right togive more than a second place to the world's opinion. The challengesmade to Mr. Lovelace, by Miss D'Oily, in public company, are a freshproof that I have lost my reputation: and what advantage would it be tome, were it retrievable, and were I to live long, if I could not acquitmyself to myself?
Having in my former said so much on the freedoms you have taken with myfriends, I shall say the less now; but your hint, that something else hasnewly passed between some of them and you, gives me great concern, andthat as well for my own sake as for theirs, since it must necessarilyincense them against me. I wise, my dear, that I had been left to my owncourse on an occasion so very interesting to myself. But, since what isdone cannot be helped, I must abide the consequences: yet I dread morethan before, what may be my sister's answer, if an answer will be at allvouchsafed.
Will you give me leave, my dear, to close this subject with one remark?--It is this: that my beloved friend, in points where her own laudablezeal is concerned, has ever seemed more ready to fly from the rebuke,than from the fault. If you will excuse this freedom, I will acknowledgethus far in favour of your way of thinking, as to the conduct of someparents in these nice cases, that indiscreet opposition does frequentlyas much mischief as giddy love.
As to the invitation you are so kind as to give me, to remove privatelyinto your neighbourhood, I have told Mr. Hickman that I will consider ofit; but believe, if you will be so good as to excuse me, that I shall notaccept of it, even should I be able to remove. I will give you myreasons for declining it; and so I ought, when both my love and mygratitude would make a visit now-and-then from my dear Miss Howe the mostconsolate thing in the world to me.
You must know then, that this great town, wicked as it is, wants notopportunities of being better; having daily prayers at several churchesin it; and I am desirous, as my strength will permit, to embrace thoseopportunities. The method I have proposed to myself (and was beginningto practise when that cruel arrest deprived me of both freedom andstrength) is this: when I was disposed to gentle exercise, I took a chairto St. Dunstan's church in Fleet-street, where are prayers at seven inthe morning; I proposed if the weather favoured, to walk (if not, to takechair) to Lincoln's-inn chapel, where, at eleven in the morning, and atfive in the afternoon, are the same desirable opportunities; and at othertimes to go no farther than Covent-garden church, where are early morningprayers likewise.
This method pursued, I doubt not, will greatly help, as it has alreadydone, to calm my disturbed thoughts, and to bring me to that perfectresignation after which I aspire: for I must own, my dear, that sometimesstill my griefs and my reflections are too heavy for me; and all the aidI can draw from religious duties is hardly sufficient to support mystaggering reason. I am a very young creature you know, my dear, to beleft to my own conduct in such circumstances as I am in.
Another reason why I choose not to go down into your neighbourhood, isthe displeasure that might arise, on my account, between your mother andyou.
If indeed you were actually married, and the worthy man (who would thenhave a title to all your regard) were earnestly desirous of nearneighbourhood, I know not what I might do: for although I might notperhaps intend to give up my other important reasons at the time I shouldmake you a congratulatory visit, yet I might not know how to deny myselfthe pleasure of continuing near you when there.
I send you enclosed the copy of my letter to my sister. I hope it willbe thought to be written with a true penitent spirit; for indeed it is.I desire that you will not think I stoop too low in it; since there canbe no such thing as that in a child to parents whom she has unhappilyoffended.
But if still (perhaps more disgusted than before at your freedom withthem) they should pass it by with the contempt of silence, (for I havenot yet been favoured with an answer,) I must learn to think it right inthem to do so; especially as it is my first direct application: for Ihave often censured the boldness of those, who, applying for a favour,which it is in a person's option to grant or refuse, take the liberty ofbeing offended, if they are not gratified; as if the petitioned had notas good a right to reject, as the petitioner to ask.
But if my letter should be answered, and that in such terms as will makeme loth to communicate it to so warm a friend--you must not, my dear,take it upon yourself to censure my relations; but allow for them as theyknow not what I have suffered; as being filled with just resentmentsagainst me, (just to them if they think them just;) and as not being ableto judge of the reality of my penitence.
And after all, what can they do for me?--They can only pity me: and whatwill that but augment their own grief; to which at present theirresentment is an alleviation? for can they by their pity restore to me mylost reputation? Can they by it purchase a sponge that will wipe outfrom the year the past fatal four months of my life?*
* She takes in the time that she appointed to meet Mr. Lovelace.
Your account of the gay, unconcerned behaviour of Mr. Lovelace, at theColonel's, does not surprise me at all, after I am told that he had theintrepidity to go there, knowing who were invited and expected.--Onlythis, my dear, I really wonder at, that Miss Howe could imagine that Icould have a thought of such a man for a husband.
Poor wretch! I pity him, to see him fluttering about; abusing talentsthat were given him for excellent purposes; taking in consideration forcourage; and dancing, fearless of danger, on the edge of a precipice!
But indeed his threatening to see me most sensibly alarms and shocks me.I cannot but hope that I never, never more shall see him in this world.
Since you are so loth, my dear, to send the desired negative to theladies of his family, I will only trouble you to transmit the letter Ishall enclose for that purpose; directed indeed to yourself, because itwas to you that those ladies applied themselves on this occasion; but tobe sent by you to any one of the ladies, at your own choice.
I commend myself, my dearest Miss Howe, to your prayers; and concludewith repeated thanks for sending Mr. Hickman to me; and with wishes foryour health and happiness, and for the speedy celebration of yournuptials;
Your ever affectionate and obliged,CLARISSA HARLOWE.