LETTER LXII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MRS. NORTON[IN ANSWER TO LETTER LVI.*]
* Begun on Monday Sept. 4, and by piecemeal finished on Tuesday; but notsent till the Thursday following.
MY DEAREST MRS. NORTON,
I am afraid I shall not be able to write all that is upon my mind to sayto you upon the subject of your last. Yet I will try.
As to my friends, and as to the sad breakfasting, I cannot help beingafflicted for them. What, alas! has not my mother, in particular,suffered by my rashness!--Yet to allow so much for a son!--so little fora daughter!--But all now will soon be over, as to me. I hope they willbury all their resentments in my grave.
As to your advice, in relation to Mr. Belford, let me only say, that theunhappy reprobation I have met with, and my short time, must be myapology now.--I wish I could have written to my mother and my uncles asyou advise. And yet, favours come so slowly from them.
The granting of one request only now remains as a desirable one fromthem. Which nevertheless, when granted, I shall not be sensible of. Itis that they will be pleased to permit my remains to be laid with thoseof my ancestors--placed at the feet of my dear grandfather, as I havementioned in my will. This, however, as they please. For, after all,this vile body ought not so much to engage my cares. It is a weakness--but let it be called a natural weakness, and I shall be excused;especially when a reverential gratitude shall be known to be thefoundation of it. You know, my dear woman, how my grandfather loved me.And you know how much I honoured him, and that from my very infancy tothe hour of his death. How often since have I wished, that he had notloved me so well!
I wish not now, at the writing of this, to see even my cousin Morden.O, my blessed woman! My dear maternal friend! I am entering upon abetter tour than to France or Italy either!--or even than to settle at myonce-beloved Dairy-house!--All these prospects and pleasures, which usedto be so agreeable to me in health, how poor seem they to me now!--
Indeed, indeed, my dear Mamma Norton, I shall be happy! I know I shall!--I have charming forebodings of happiness already!--Tell all my dearfriends, for their comfort, that I shall!--Who would not bear thepunishments I have borne, to have the prospects and assurances I rejoicein!--Assurances I might not have had, were my own wishes to have beengranted to me!
Neither do I want to see even you, my dear Mrs. Norton. Nevertheless Imust, in justice to my own gratitude, declare, that there was a time,could you have been permitted to come, without incurring displeasure fromthose whose esteem it is necessary for you to cultivate and preserve,that your presence and comfortings would have been balm to my woundedmind. But were you now, even by consent, and with reconciliatorytidings, to come, it would but add to your grief; and the sight of one Iso dearly love, so happily fraught with good news, might but draw me backto wishes I have had great struggles to get above. And let me tell youfor your comfort, that I have not left undone any thing that ought to bedone, either respecting mind or person; no, not to the minutestpreparation: so that nothing is left for you to do for me. Every one hasher direction as to the last offices.--And my desk, that I now write upon--O my dearest Mrs. Norton, all is provided!--All is ready! And all willbe as decent as it should be!
And pray let my Miss Howe know, that by the time you will receive this,and she your signification of the contents of it, will, in allprobability, be too late for her to do me the inestimable favour, as Ishould once have thought it, to see me. God will have no rivals in thehearts of those he sanctifies. By various methods he deadens all othersensations, or rather absorbs them all in the love of him.
I shall nevertheless love you, my Mamma Norton, and my Miss Howe, whoselove to me has passed the love of woman, to my latest hour!--But yet, Iam now above the quick sense of those pleasures which once delighted me,and once more I say, that I do not wish to see objects so dear to me,which might bring me back again into sense, and rival my supreme love.
***
Twice have I been forced to leave off. I wished, that my last writingmight be to you, or to Miss Howe, if it might not be to my dearest Ma----
Mamma, I would have wrote--is the word distinct?--My eyes are so misty!--If, when I apply to you, I break off in half-words, do you supply them--the kindest are your due.--Be sure take the kindest, to fill up chasmswith, if any chasms there be--
***
Another breaking off!--But the new day seems to rise upon me with healingin its wings. I have gotten, I think, a recruit of strength: spirits, Ibless God, I have not of late wanted.
Let my dearest Miss Howe purchase her wedding-garments--and may alltemporal blessings attend the charming preparation!--Blessings will, Imake no question, notwithstanding the little cloudiness that Mr. Hickmanencounters with now and then, which are but prognostications of a futuregolden day to him: for her heart is good, and her head not wrong.--Butgreat merit is coy, and that coyness had not always its foundation inpride: but if it should seem to be pride, take off the skin-deepcovering, and, in her, it is noble diffidence, and a love that wants butto be assured!
Tell Mr. Hickman I write this, and write it, as I believe, with my lastpen; and bid him bear a little at first, and forbear; and all the futurewill be crowning gratitude, and rewarding love: for Miss Howe had greatsense, fine judgment, and exalted generosity; and can such a one beungrateful or easy under those obligations which his assiduity andobligingness (when he shall be so happy as to call her his) will lay herunder to him?
As for me, never bride was so ready as I am. My wedding garments arebought---and though not fine or gawdy to the sight, though not adornedwith jewels, and set off with gold and silver, (for I have no beholders'eyes to wish to glitter in,) yet will they be the easiest, the happiestsuit, that ever bridal maiden wore--for they are such as carry with thema security against all those anxieties, pains, and perturbations, whichsometimes succeed to the most promising outsettings.
And now, my dear Mrs. Norton, do I wish for no other.
O hasten, good God, if it be thy blessed will, the happy moment that I amto be decked out in his all-quieting garb! And sustain, comfort, bless,and protect with the all-shadowing wing of thy mercy, my dear parents, myuncles, my brother, my sister, my cousin Morden, my ever-dear andever-kind Miss Howe, my good Mrs. Norton, and every deserving person towhom they wish well! is the ardent prayer, first and last, of everybeginning hour, as the clock tells it me, (hours now are days, nay,years,) of
Your now not sorrowing or afflicted, but happy,CLARISSA HARLOWE.