LETTER VI
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MRS. NORTONTHURSDAY, AUG. 27.
What Mr. Brand, or any body, can have written or said to my prejudice, Icannot imagine; and yet some evil reports have gone out against me; as Ifind by some hints in a very severe letter written to me by my uncleAntony. Such a letter as I believe was never written to any poorcreature, who, by ill health of body, as well as of mind, was beforetottering on the brink of the grave. But my friends may possibly bebetter justified than the reporters--For who knows what they may haveheard?
You give me a kind caution, which seems to imply more than you express,when you advise me against countenancing visiters that may discredit me.You have spoken quite out. Surely, I have had afflictions enow tostrengthen my mind, and to enable it to bear the worst that can nowhappen. But I will not puzzle myself by conjectural evils; as I mightperhaps do, if I had not enow that were certain. I shall hear all, whenit is thought proper that I should. Mean time, let me say, for yoursatisfaction, that I know not that I have any thing criminal ordisreputable to answer for either in word or deed, since the fatal 10thof April last.
You desire an account of what passes between me and my friends; and alsoparticulars or brief heads of my sad story, in order to serve me asoccasion shall offer. My dear good Mrs. Norton, you shall have a wholepacket of papers, which I have sent to my Miss Howe, when she returnsthem; and you shall have likewise another packet, (and that with thisletter,) which I cannot at present think of sending to that dear friendfor the sake of my own relations; whom, without seeing that packet, sheis but too ready to censure heavily. From these you will be able tocollect a great deal of my story. But for what is previous to thesepapers, and which more particularly relates to what I have suffered fromMr. Lovelace, you must have patience; for at present I have neither headnor heart for such subjects. The papers I send you with this will bethose mentioned in the margin.* You must restore them to me as soon asperused; and upon your honour make no use of them, or of any intelligenceyou have from me, but by my previous consent.
* 1. A copy of mine to my sister, begging off my father's malediction . . . . . . dated July 21. 2. My sister's answer . . . . . . . . . . . dated July 27. 3. Copy of my second letter to my sister. . dated July 29. 4. My sister's answer . . . . . . . . . . . dated Aug. 3. 5. Copy of my Letter to my mother . . . . . dated Aug. 5. 6. My uncle Harlowe's letter . . . . . . . dated Aug. 7. 7. Copy of my answer to it . . . . . . . . dated the 1oth. 8. Letter from my uncle Antony . . . . . . dated the 12th. 9. And lastly, the copy of my answer to it. dated the 13th.
These communications you must not, my good Mrs. Norton, look upon asappeals against my relations. On the contrary, I am heartily sorry thatthey have incurred the displeasure of so excellent a divine as Dr. Lewen.But you desire to have every thing before you: and I think you ought; forwho knows, as you say, but you may be applied to at last to administercomfort from their conceding hearts, to one that wants it; and whosometimes, judging by what she knows of her own heart, thinks herselfentitled to it?
I know that I have a most indulgent and sweet-tempered mother; but,having to deal with violent spirits, she has too often forfeited thatpeace of mind which she so much prefers, by her over concern to preserveit.
I am sure she would not have turned me over for an answer to a letterwritten with so contrite and fervent a spirit, as was mine to her, to amasculine spirit, had she been left to herself.
But, my dear Mrs. Norton, might not, think you, the revered lady havefavoured me with one private line?----If not, might not you have writtenby her order, or connivance, one softening, one motherly line, when shesaw her poor girl, whom once she dearly loved, borne so hard upon?
O no, she might not!--because her heart, to be sure, is in theirmeasures! and if she think them right, perhaps they must be right!--atleast, knowing only what they know, they must!--and yet they might knowall, if they would!--and possibly, in their own good time, they think tomake proper inquiry.--My application was made to them but lately.--Yethow deeply will it afflict them, if their time should be out of time!
When you have before you the letters I have sent to Miss Howe, you willsee that Lord M. and the Ladies of his family, jealous as they are of thehonour of their house, (to express myself in their language,) thinkbetter of me than my own relations do. You will see an instance of theirgenerosity to me, which at the time extremely affected me, and indeedstill affects me. Unhappy man! gay, inconsiderate, and cruel! what hasbeen his gain by making unhappy a creature who hoped to make him happy!and who was determined to deserve the love of all to whom he is related!--Poor man!--but you will mistake a compassionate and placable nature forlove!--he took care, great care, that I should rein-in betimes anypassion that I might have had for him, had he known how to be butcommonly grateful or generous!--But the Almighty knows what is best forhis poor creatures.
Some of the letters in the same packet will also let you into theknowledge of a strange step which I have taken, (strange you will thinkit); and, at the same time, give you my reasons for taking it.*
* She means that of making Mr. Belford her executor.
It must be expected, that situations uncommonly difficult will makenecessary some extraordinary steps, which, but for those situations,would be hardly excusable. It will be very happy indeed, and somewhatwonderful, if all the measures I have been driven to take should beright. A pure intention, void of all undutiful resentment, is what mustbe my consolation, whatever others may think of those measures, when theycome to know them: which, however, will hardly be till it is out of mypower to justify them, or to answer for myself.
I am glad to hear of my cousin Morden's safe arrival. I should wish tosee him methinks: but I am afraid that he will sail with the stream; asit must be expected, that he will hear what they have to say first.--Butwhat I most fear is, that he will take upon himself to avenge me. Ratherthan he should do so, I would have him look upon me as a creature utterlyunworthy of his concern; at least of his vindictive concern.
How soothing to the wounded heart of your Clarissa, how balmy are theassurances of your continued love and favour;--love me, my dear mammaNorton, continue to love me, to the end!--I now think that I may, withoutpresumption, promise to deserve your love to the end. And, when I amgone, cherish my memory in your worthy heart; for in so doing you willcherish the memory of one who loves and honours you more than she canexpress.
But when I am no more, I charge you, as soon as you can, the smartingpangs of grief that will attend a recent loss; and let all be earlyturned into that sweetly melancholy regard to MEMORY, which, engaging usto forget all faults, and to remember nothing but what was thoughtamiable, gives more pleasure than pain to survivors--especially if theycan comfort themselves with the humble hope, that the Divine mercy hastaken the dear departed to itself.
And what is the space of time to look backward upon, between an earlydeparture and the longest survivance!--and what the consolation attendingthe sweet hope of meeting again, never more to be separated, never moreto be pained, grieved, or aspersed;--but mutually blessing, and beingblessed, to all eternity!
In the contemplation of this happy state, in which I hope, in God's goodtime, to rejoice with you, my beloved Mrs. Norton, and also with my dearrelations, all reconciled to, and blessing the child against whom theyare now so much incensed, I conclude myself
Your ever dutiful and affectionateCLARISSA HARLOWE.