LETTER LVIII
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.PARIS, OCT. 16--27.
I follow my last of the 14/25th, on occasion of a letter just now come tohand from Joseph Leman. The fellow is conscience ridden, Jack; and tellsme, 'That he cannot rest either day or night for the mischiefs which hefears he has been, or may still further be the means of doing.' Hewishes, 'if it please God, and if it please me, that he had never seen myHonour's face.'
And what is the cause of his present concern, as to his own particular?What, but 'the slights and contempts which he receives from every one ofthe Harlowes; from those particularly, he says, whom he has endeavouredto serve as faithfully as his engagements to me would let him serve them?And I always made him believe, he tells me, (poor weak soul as he wasfrom his cradle!) that serving me, was serving both, in the long run.--But this, and the death of his dear young lady, is a grief, he declares,that he shall never claw off, were he to love to the age of MatthewSalem; althoff, and howsomever, he is sure, that he shall not live amonth to an end: being strangely pined, and his stomach nothing like whatit was; and Mrs. Betty being also (now she has got his love) very crossand slighting. But, thank his God for punishing her!--She is in a poorway hersell.
'But the chief occasion of troubling my Honour now, is not his own griefsonly, althoff they are very great; but to prevent further mischiefs tome; for he can assure me, that Colonel Morden has set out from them all,with a full resolution to have his will of me; and he is well assured,that he said, and swore to it, as how he was resolved that he wouldeither have my Honour's heart's-blood, or I should have his; or somesuch-like sad threatenings: and that all the family rejoice in it, andhope I shall come short home.
This is the substance of Joseph's letter; and I have one from Mowbray,which has a hint to the same effect. And I recollect now that you werevery importunate with me to go to Madrid, rather than to France andItaly, the last evening we passed together.
What I desire of you, is, by the first dispatch, to let me faithfullyknow all that you know on this head.
I can't bear to be threatened, Jack. Nor shall any man, unquestioned,give himself airs in my absence, if I know it, that shall make me lookmean in any body's eyes; that shall give friends pain for me; that shallput them upon wishing me to change my intentions, or my plan, to avoidhim. Upon such despicable terms as these, think you that I could bear tolive?
But why, if such were his purpose, did he not let me know it before Ileft England? Was he unable to work himself up to a resolution, till heknew me to be out of the kingdom?
As soon as I can inform myself where to direct to him, I will write toknow his purpose; for I cannot bear suspense in such a case as this; thatsolemn act, were it even to be marriage or hanging, which must be doneto-morrow, I had rather should be done to-day. My mind tires and sickenswith impatience on ruminating upon scenes that can afford neither varietynor certainty. To dwell twenty days in expectation of an even that maybe decided in a quarter of an hour is grievous.
If he come to Paris, although I should be on my tour, he will very easilyfind out my lodgings. For I every day see some one or other of mycountrymen, and divers of them have I entertained here. I go frequentlyto the opera and to the play, and appear at court, and at all publicplaces. And, on my quitting this city, will leave a direction whither myletters from England, or elsewhere, shall from time to time be forwarded.Were I sure that his intention is what Joseph Leman tells me it is, Iwould stay here, or shorten his course to me, let him be where he would.
I cannot get off my regrets on account of this dear lady for the blood ofme. If the Colonel and I are to meet, as he has done me no injury, andloves the memory of his cousin, we shall engage with the same sentiments,as to the object of our dispute; and that, you know, is no very commoncase.
In short, I am as much convinced that I have done wrong, as he can be;and regret it as much. But I will not bear to be threatened by any manin the world, however conscious I may be of having deserved blame.
Adieu, Belford! Be sincere with me. No palliation, as thou valuest
ThyLOVELACE.