I glanced over at my Mazda, parked in its spot, its windows already covered by a thin layer of snow. Snow tires were a foreign concept to me, and I was unequipped for the winter that was already here, it appeared.
“Don’t worry, Luce,” Jude said, hopping in next to me. “I’ll get you taken care of. I’ll drive your car up to the shop sometime this weekend and get a pair of snow tires put on.”
I didn’t like that solution for a couple of reasons. “You’re not going anywhere this weekend unless you count moving from the head of my bed to the foot of it,” I began, peering over at him as he pulled out of the parking lot. He was smiling. “And I’m more than capable of taking care of my own snow tires. I don’t need you to do everything for me.”
His face twisted. “Why not?”
“Because,” I answered.
“Because why?”
Because for a bunch of reasons, but I didn’t feel like listing them off the entire drive. So instead I scooted next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. “Just because.”
The drive to SoHo lasted all of twenty minutes, but my head tucked into Jude’s neck with his arm hanging over me made the drive go by even faster.
“This the place?” Jude asked, inspecting the restaurant that seemed to be built with windows as we rolled by.
“This is it,” I answered, looking for my parents. They’d flown in earlier this morning and said they’d be getting situated into their hotel before meeting us for lunch. Jude was visibly uncomfortable, continuing to stare at the place like he didn’t belong.
“Hey,” I said, resting my hand on his leg, “you all right with this?”
Of course I wanted him to share Thanksgiving with my family, but not if it meant he was uncomfortable the whole time.
Maneuvering his truck into a tight spot on the street, he glanced over at me. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He grabbed my hand and kissed it before turning off the car. “You’re my family. I go where you go, Luce.”
That warm feeling that seemed ever present when Jude was around melted through me. His words were as skilled as his hands. I knew then the plight of riding the roller coaster was worth being able to call the man beside me mine.
Coming around my side, Jude swung the door open for me and, instead of lending me a hand, he scooped me back up into his arms. Pressing a warm kiss into my forehead, he carried me across the snow white street and didn’t set me down until we were standing in the foyer of the restaurant.
We were both laughing, consumed by each other, so the patrons and restaurant staff staring at us like the circus had just come to town didn’t register with either of us right away. A line of guests waiting for their tables were appraising us with sour faces, and the hostesses standing behind their podium were bouncing from Jude with wide eyes to me with narrowed.
“Sorry,” I said, clearing my throat.
Jude’s hand weaved between my arm, gripping into my waist—his other one repeated on the other side.
“I’m not,” he said loudly, the words echoing through the high ceilinged foyer.
And then he was dipping me low to the ground, his eyes smiling down on me before his lips made slow work of unfreezing mine. As soon as they melted into submission, he leaned back. Smiling down on me, he whispered, “I’m not,” before lifting me back into a vertical alignment.
The room was spinning and now onlookers’ narrowed eyes had been exchanged for small smiles. A few of the men even tipped their martini glasses at the two of us.
“Name under your reservation,” the petite, red-haired hostess said, still looking at me with narrowed eyes. That was fine. I’d be giving her the stink eye if a man like Jude had just dipped her to the floor, not giving a care if the whole world saw how crazy he was for her. Being Jude’s girlfriend was worthy of stink eyes near and far.
“Larson,” I answered, giving her a sweet smile while I wrapped both hands around Jude’s arm.
Checking her book, her eyes darted back to where my hands were affixed to Jude. “Table twenty-two,” she barked to the hostess beside her.
“Right this way,” the other one said, leading us into the dining room.
“Thank you,” I said with another smile as we walked past the red head whose eyes I could feel watching every rolling step Jude’s ass made. Stare all you want, honey, because the man is mine.
My parents stood up from the table as soon as they saw us crossing the expansive dining room. They were both smiling, both getting closer to resembling the parents of my youth. The parents they’d been before tragedy had changed us all into people we didn’t recognize.
Jude held my hand tight in his, kneading it like it was a worry rock. I understood why. Even for me, pre financial family crisis, this place would have been a bit out of the Larson family league, reserved for once a year special dinners maybe. But for Jude, someone who’d come from not exactly a destitute family, but a poor one, before spending five of his teen years in a boys’ home where hot dogs and canned vegetables were an every night occurrence, this place probably seemed like a foreign land.
A foreign land where the citizens were staring at him, his one size too small dress shirt stuffed inside a dark pair of jeans with cuffs fraying over old Converse, like he was an unwelcome tourist.
I stiffened, gripping his hand tighter and glaring at a few of the worst offenders as we passed.
“My Lucy in the sky,” Dad said, opening his arms as we approached.
“Hey, Dad,” I replied, letting go of Jude’s hand to give him a hug.
“Happy turkey day,” he said, squeezing me tight.
“Gobble, gobble,” I said, smiling over at Mom.
“Hi, sweetheart,” she said, her face looking younger than the last time I’d seen her. Some of the deep wrinkles had ironed out, and instead of looking perpetually pissed off, she tended more towards the peaceful side of facial expressions.
Moving from dad to mom, I gave her a hug.
“Hey, Jude,” I heard dad say, the smile of pure enjoyment in his face. “Sorry, that just never gets old.”
“Hi, Mr. Larson,” Jude said formally, shaking hands with him. “Happy Thanksgiving.”
Looking over at my mom, Jude cleared his throat. “Thank you for inviting me,” he said, shifting his weight, his face looking uneasy. Coming around the table to him, I grabbed his hand up again and he visibly relaxed. This was going to be harder for Jude to get through than I’d anticipated. I’d hold his hand all afternoon if that’s what he needed.
My mom came around the table and, stopping in front of Jude, she rested her hands on his shoulders. “We were glad you could make it,” she said, her voice soft and her smile just sad enough to guess at what was going through her mind. Wrapping her arms around him, she pulled Jude into a hug. He looked as awkward as she did.
Greetings out of the way, we took our seats. I scooted my chair closer to Jude’s and found his hand under the table cloth.
“This is a fancy place,” Jude said, gazing up at the painted ceilings and chandeliers hanging above us.
Dad’s gaze followed Jude’s and, even though it was only a little after noon and he was sitting in a high backed chair that wasn’t anything like his old recliner, Dad seemed alert—present in the moment. It was a nice change. “It’s a little over the top, but the food’s supposed to be amazing,” Dad responded.
Jude nodded, glancing down at the restaurant’s Thanksgiving day menu. “Really fancy,” he added, his eyes widening as he checked out the prices. “You’ll have to let me pay for Luce and myself, Mr. Larson.”
Both of my parents’ faces looked offended.
Jude somehow managed to work part time at a garage close to the campus to bring in a little extra cash. I didn’t know how he managed to work twenty hours a week on top of his classes and football schedule and still make time for us, but he did it. He said he was only able to do it because he didn’t sleep. I didn’t think that was much of an exaggeration.
“We couldn’t
let you do that,” my mom said. “We invited you two here and we insist.”
Jude opened his mouth, which was as good as a wasted effort when it came to arguing with my mom, when dad waved his hand.
“We’ve got it, Jude,” he said. “It’s the least we could do.”
Jude’s face went flat—a little color even drained from it—before his hand clenched around mine. “The least you could do because you ruined my family?”
My head whipped to the side, my mouth opening. I’d known Jude was uneasy, but I never would have guessed he was this upset. I was wrong. I’d pushed this on him. Too much, too fast.
My dad’s shoulders sagged as he leaned back into his chair. “I meant the least we could do since you’ve taken such good care of our daughter.”
Neither Jude nor anyone else had a chance to reply because our waitress arrived, her eyes automatically targeting on Jude. “What can I get you all to drink this afternoon?” she asked. Well, she asked Jude.
No one replied; we were all still in a shocked silence from Jude’s mini explosion. So I broke the ice. “I’ll have a pomegranate tea.” I suppose I could have tacked on “please” for good measure, but the broad wouldn’t take her moon eyes off of Jude.
“I’ll have a water,” Jude said, staring at his menu.
“Oh, get something fun,” Mom said, trying to lighten the mood. “They’ve got a special hot cider for today or—”
Jude glanced up, his eyes landing on Mom. “I’ll have water,” he repeated, his jaw tightening.
Shooting Mom a leave it be look, I glanced back at the waitress. She was still fixated on Jude. “You know what? I’ll have a water too.”
Jude looked over at me, the muscles of his neck straining, and I grinned at him. He looked as distressed and ready to go crazy as a caged gorilla. I never would have guessed one Thanksgiving brunch with my parents would be as potentially dangerous as it was becoming.
I should have known better.
“Make that four waters,” Dad said, dropping his menu.
“Do you all know what you’re going to order?” the waitress asked.
“We’ll have four of the five course Thanksgiving day meals,” dad said, collecting up our menus.
“I’m good,” Jude said, shaking his head. “Thanks, though.”
“Jude,” I started, before he leveled me with a look that cut off my sentence.
“I’m not hungry, Luce,” he said. “I’m good.”
We’d gone from bad to worse in ten seconds. Things were not looking good for the rest of the afternoon if we continued at this rate.
“Son—” Dad started, nothing but concern in his voice, before Jude’s head whipped around to glare at him.
“I’m not your son,” Jude said, his jaw clenching. “The man whose son I am is in jail for killing your son. So don’t pretend we have some sort of relationship that entitles you to refer to me as ‘son.’” Bursting up in his seat, Jude shoved his chair back and marched away from the table.
Popping up in my seat, I followed after him. Even at a fast walk, he was thundering through the exit before I was out of the dining room. I’m sure people were watching the two of us, but all I paid attention to was the wide back thundering out into the street.
As soon as I shoved through the door, I ran down the steps and into the street. “Jude!” I hollered at him, but he didn’t hear me. He was pacing beside the bed of his truck, his hands on his hips and his eyes somewhere else completely.
Then, clutching his head, he kicked the wheel of his truck before driving his fist into the rusted bed. His other fist followed, until both were moving so fast I couldn’t tell which one was responsible for each metallic note exploding in the air.
“Jude!” I ran across the street towards him, almost slipping on the fresh snow. “Jude, stop!” I said, braking to a stop beside him and grabbing one of his arms. He was so intent upon beating the shit out of his truck I had to wrap both arms around one of his before I got his attention.
“Jude,” I said, taking in a breath, “what are you doing?”
His gaze turned from the dents he’d hammered into his truck to my eyes. They didn’t eclipse from black to light like they normally did when I interrupted one of his bouts of rage, and having him look at me with those dark, tortured eyes made a chill crawl up my spine.
“I need you to leave me alone right now, Luce,” he said, biting around every word.
“Like hell I’m leaving you alone,” I said, not letting go of his arm.
“Damn it, Lucy!” he shouted, driving his other fist into the truck bed. “I’m not safe to be around right now.”
“You wouldn’t hurt me,” I said.
“I never would intentionally, but I hurt things, Luce. I hurt people,” he said, looking away from me. “I sure as shit don’t mean to, but it’s in the damn DNA. The only way I can protect you from me is if I recognize the times it’s not safe to be around me, tell you, and you actually listen.” His tone had turned from angry to pleading—almost begging. He was begging me to turn around and leave him alone when these kinds of moments were when we needed each other most.
“I need to sort out my shit right now. I need to do this alone,” he said, fitting his hand over my cheek, but it was careful, like he was afraid the contact might break me. “Tell your parents I’m sorry.”
I lifted my hand and folded it over his on my cheek, trying to press it harder against me. It was met with a warm wetness. Holding my hand out in front of my face, I grabbed his. “You’re bleeding.”
“Barely,” he said, pulling his hand away.
“Barely bleeding is a paper cut,” I said, staring at his other hand also dripping blood. “You’re creating pools of blood in the snow. You need stitches.”
Opening the driver’s side door, I grabbed the keys he left underneath the seat. I didn’t know where the nearest ER was, but we were in New York. One couldn’t be far off. “Get in,” I instructed. “I’m taking you to get those gashes stitched up.”
“No, you’re not,” Jude said, grabbing my waist and hoisting me out of the truck. “You’re going to go back inside and enjoy the day with your parents.”
“You need to get those looked at,” I said, waving my hands at his.
“Leave it alone, Luce,” he warned, letting me go and hopping into his truck.
“Stop acting like an asshole and think!” I said, kicking his door as he closed it.
Rolling down the window, he sighed. He wouldn’t look at me. “I’m working on it,” he said. “Will your parents give you a ride back to your place?”
“If I said no, would you stay?”
He didn’t pause. “No,” he said, starting the truck up. “But I would make sure a cab was here to drive you home safely.”
Infuriating.
“Then yeah, they’ll drive me home.”
“Good,” he said, nodding once. “I’ll call you later. After I get my head back on straight.”
I laughed some of my frustration out. “If I had to wait for you to get your head on straight, I’d be waiting forever.”
His face lined as his eyes closed. “I think I’m starting to see that too, Luce.”
Then, without the shortest look my way, he eased out of the parking space, pausing and waiting for me to move.
Relenting, I took a few steps back.
“Bye,” he whispered, heading down the road, the truck’s wheels drawing lines in the snow. My eyes filled with tears, but I wouldn’t let them fall because letting them fall was like admitting there was something worth crying over. Something worth crying over wasn’t a place I wanted to visit when it came to Jude and me. So I didn’t cry. I forced the tears to disappear. I focused on the blood dotted snow at my feet, shoving away the thoughts that snuck up on me, whispering it was a metaphor for what was to come.
I did go back into the restaurant, ignoring the looks of curiosity and sneers of disapproval; I even managed to make small talk with my pa
rents and eat a bite of everything that was served. I went through the motions, put on the It’s all good face, but it wasn’t. Every second that ticked by drilled another hole in my heart. I wanted to be with him, to comfort whatever needed comforting, to be assured we were going to be all right. That we’d weather this storm.
After lunch, I showed my parents around New York. We saw the sights, exchanged some more small talk, and the ache in my heart went deeper.
“Honey, are you sure you don’t want to stay with us at the hotel tonight?” Mom asked, turning in her seat as Dad drove through Juilliard’s campus. “We’ve got an early flight tomorrow, but you could sleep in, order room service, and we could arrange to have a cab drive you back.”
“Thanks, but I’ve got a load of homework to get cracking on and I need to rehearse for the winter recital,” I said, looking out the window, trying to drone out “Blackbird” playing through the speakers. Even in a rental, dad had to have the Beatles blaring.
“You’ve got homework over Thanksgiving break?” Dad piped up, glancing in the rearview mirror.
“Tell me about it,” I said, sounding as numb as I felt. “They’re slave drivers here.”
Dad made a clucking sound with his tongue, shaking his head. “This it, Lucy in the sky?” Dad asked, slowing in front of the dark dorm and peering up at it.
“Home sweet home,” I said, going for the handle of the full-sized rental they’d splurged on. In fact, they’d splurged on the whole trip, the whole day. And a robot would have been just as good of company.
Stepping out of the car, I glanced over at the Mazda. The snow had died off, but a good couple of inches covered it.
“Are you going to be all right, Lucy?” Mom asked, stepping out and glancing over the car at me.
“She’s going to be great,” Dad answered for me, stepping out of the car and giving me a private smile.
I nodded because that’s all the lie I was capable of right now.
“Thanks for coming all this way,” I said, giving my dad a hug. “And sorry things went so wonky.”