“Then figure out what it is that’s dragging you down, confess it to God, seek his forgiveness, and move on.”
Shelly sipped her tea and wiggled her toes. She was feeling a tiny bit warmer. “The facts remain the same no matter what kind of formula you suggest. Jonathan has found the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and I, as his childhood friend, wish him well. Maybe the whole reason we came was so I could see them make their announcement firsthand. It eliminates all questions about the future. What’s done is done. Now I can get on with my life. If I hadn’t seen him and had only heard from Mom or someone that he had gotten married, I think it would have hit me harder than this did.”
They sat in strained silence.
“It’s better this way,” Shelly said. “Jonathan deserves the right to go on with his life, too. He and I probably never would have been able to make it all the way to the altar. We were great as friends, but we probably would have fought continually if we ever did try to be serious about each other. It’s better this way.”
“Better for whom?” Meredith challenged.
“Better for everyone,” Shelly said calmly.
Meredith shook her head. “I don’t agree.”
“You don’t have to,” Shelly said.
“I think you should pray about this. It’s not like they’re married yet and you’re stepping in trying to bust up a holy union. They’re engaged. Barely engaged. People break engagements all the time.”
“You don’t know Jonathan,” Shelly said. “When he makes a promise, he seals it with his own blood. He would never break an engagement once it’s announced the way it was today. He’s too serious about stuff like this. He would rather spend the rest of his life married to the wrong person with his honor intact than hurt someone else to get his way.”
“The last true knight,” Meredith said. “Where’s his white horse?”
“You don’t think I’m right?”
“I think you have an exaggerated view of Jonathan. He’s a flesh-and-blood man. If he’s so big on truth, why don’t you give him some? Tell him you’re still in love with him, and see how his nobility handles that.”
“You don’t understand,” Shelly said, shaking her head. “I could never do that to him. I’ve broken his heart once. You said so yourself. I could never elbow my way back into his life and force him to make a choice.”
“Then we’ll have to get Elena to break up with him,” Meredith said, peaking over the rim of her coffee mug. Shelly shot her such a disgusted look that Meri quickly said, “I was only kidding! Lighten up.”
Shelly leaned forward and with all the seriousness she possessed, she glared at her flippant sister. “I want you to promise me that you will never in your life tell Jonathan or anyone else what I’ve confided in you.”
Meredith hesitated.
“Promise me,” Shelly demanded.
“Okay, okay, I promise. I won’t tell Jonathan or anyone else the things you’ve confided in me.”
“I’m serious about this,” Shelly said sternly.
“I can tell.”
Shelly leaned back. Her face, hands, and feet felt fiery warm, having been ignited by the blaze that burned inside her.
Chapter Fourteen
The next morning Shelly and Meredith woke up and started to argue. They did it quietly, just like they used to at home when they were young. One look out their window had given Shelly enough of a weather report to know she preferred to spend this overcast, drizzly day inside or maybe ducking in and out of a library, museum, or even the street of shops they had barely begun to explore a few days ago.
Meredith, however, was determined to go on a boat ride. The brochure she had said the tour lasted four hours.
After getting so chilled the day before, Shelly had no desire to putter down a river under an umbrella, no matter how quaint the scenery.
The two sisters decided to go their separate ways. After making that decision, they opened their bedroom door, ready to be sweet and civil to each other and everyone else.
It didn’t matter. Mike and Jana had left the apartment at seven that morning for a staff breakfast, and the two women who had slept in the living room the night before had gone with them. If it weren’t for the two additional cosmetic bags in the blue-tiled bathroom and the gym bags tucked in the corner of the living room, Shelly would never have known someone else had stayed there the night before. Meredith showered first while Shelly lingered under the deliciously warm covers. Once Meredith was out the door, Shelly got ready herself.
It felt strange to be alone. The sensation was much harder than she had thought it would be. After dressing in her wool pants, turtleneck, and cardigan Shelly helped herself to one of her pears, which she had put in a bowl in the kitchen. Rolls were on the table along with a note from Jana saying they would be back after eight that night.
The daisies Shelly had bought the day before sat in a plastic glass at the end of the small kitchen table. They added a warm and cheery touch to the room. She was glad she had purchased them for Jana.
A catch in her throat caused her to stop and turn away from the daisies.
Don’t do this, Shelly. This isn’t about Jonathan. This is about daisies. That’s all. Don’t weep over nothing.
Shelly borrowed Jana’s canvas shopping bag and tucked a scarf around the neck of her brown suede jacket. She was prepared for the chill of the day and the intrigue of what awaited her in this charming city.
A sharp wind met her the instant she stepped out the front doors. It whistled through the alleyways and chased her across the cobblestone square. This was autumn as she knew it in Seattle. All those years in balmy southern California had softened her up. She needed to be roughed up by the elements a little, just to know that, indeed, the season had changed.
Following the same steps she and Meredith had taken arm in arm only two days before, Shelly plunged her hands into her pockets and, with her head down, forged her way across the square. Out of curiosity, she stopped at the place Meredith had taken the picture of her with the autumn trees behind her. Today those same golden beauties, which had barely lifted a leaf to wave at Shelly before, were now quivering in the wind and tossing their leaves overboard the way a sailor heaves his cargo into the deep when the storm seems insurmountable.
I know how you feel, Shelly thought. Not that the maples, elms, and oaks could receive any comfort from her sympathetic thoughts. In a way, though, their actions, so simple and natural, were a comfort to her. If the trees could surrender all their glorious, shining gems, maybe she could toss away her dreams about Jonathan, too. The spring would come again. It always did. She knew it would take some time, but her life would eventually bud again with new plans, dreams, and hopes.
Taking long strides, she made her way down the leaf-strewn streets. She passed the bakery where she and Meredith had stopped before. On down the lane she went, past geometric fountains harpooned with gilded statues, past gift shops, past banks, and past stubby women wearing head scarves and riding bicycles. She loved the ambiance all around her.
Stopping in front of a store window, Shelly caught her breath. The name “Geschenk-Schatulle” hung in gold letters like a rainbow of promise over the detailed display of goods. Dolls, candles, china plates, a model train, and miniature angels made of hazelnut pods and wearing white feather skirts caught her eye. Shelly wondered how many years this shop had stood and how many eager children had pressed their noses to this glass, looking to see if the Christmas toys were on display yet.
She could smell it in the air. In this city, the past and the present met and found harmony.
She wished with all her heart that that had been her experience with Jonathan. True, she had come up with all the rational responses for her sister last night. And she had meant every word. But today the wind was blowing, and she was feeling awfully bare, stripped of her glory like the trees.
The day passed at an even pace. She shopped a while, buying mostly Christmas ornaments fr
om a shop that specialized in German wood carvings. She purchased a T-shirt at the Hard Rock Cafe, even though she wasn’t sure why. She didn’t collect them, but certainly somebody she knew did.
She strolled past the university, which was founded in 1386, according to the bronze plaque on the wall. As an American, her mind was boggled to think that a century before Columbus even sailed to her side of the world, this university was drawing students to its humble doors.
Lunch was found at one of the many bakeries, where she bought a Brezel, a large pretzel made from bread dough. She watched the people go by and thought about what would happen if she saw Jonathan one more time. He and Elena might stop by Jana and Mike’s before returning to Belgium together. Shelly assumed that’s where they had met. She also assumed they were going back there together. Now she knew the reason Jonathan had kept saying they needed to talk. Being a gentleman, he wanted to tell her privately that he was engaged.
It would only stand to reason that he would try to say good-bye to Shelly in a gentlemanly fashion as well. The question was, how would she respond? It took all afternoon and many miles of cobblestone-walking to decide. She would let him go. There was no point in saying anything about what she had felt, thought, or wondered. Those bits of information would only torture him in his new life with Elena. He needed to be free of Shelly, just as Shelly needed to be free of him. The twisted cord of their shared lives needed to be unraveled far enough so they could both go on.
Arriving back at the apartment at almost six o’clock, Shelly unlocked the door with the key Jana had given her. No one else was home. A note from Mike said they had all gone to dinner, including Meredith. He gave directions in case Shelly wanted to join them. She was hungry, and Italian food sounded good. But Jonathan would most likely be there with Elena, and that would make things uncomfortable for Shelly. If she were to see Jonathan one more time, it would have to be because he came to see her.
She hung up her jacket and put on the kettle for a cup of hot tea. With a hunk of cheese as her dinner companion and another lovely German pear to enjoy, Shelly waited to see if she would have any evening visitors.
At almost eleven Mike, Jana, and Meredith arrived. They laughed softly in the hallway and then let loose right at the door. Shelly had gone to bed in her clothes and had fallen asleep reading a book. She rose and went into the living room, squinting in the bright light and trying her best to smile at the three of them, who were obviously having a great time.
“Did you have a good day?” Meredith asked.
“Wonderful,” Shelly said. “And you?”
Meredith sneezed. “I had a great time! It was beautiful.”
“Good. Well, I think I’ll go to bed,” Shelly said.
“We will, too, in a minute,” Jana said.
“Guess what?” Meredith said. “Remember how you said you wanted to rent a car and go find Grandpa Rudi’s grave?”
“Yes. It was only a thought. I wasn’t saying we had to do that.”
“Well, we’re going to. Tomorrow. I rented the car and everything.”
Shelly wished her sister would have talked this over with her, but after the argument they had had that morning about what the day’s activity should be, Shelly decided not to argue over this one. “Great. What time do you want to get up?”
“It’s Sunday,” Meredith said. “We should go to church with these guys first and then head out around noon.”
Again, Shelly saw no merit in arguing. “Okay. That’s what we’ll do tomorrow.”
Sometime in the middle of the night, Meredith started to cough. She seemed to be coughing without waking herself up. Since Shelly was only a foot away from her sister in the compact room, she couldn’t go back to sleep. Finally she got up and brought Meredith a bottle of water.
“Take a drink,” she said, gently shaking Meredith’s shoulder. Meri felt hot to Shelly’s cold hand. “Are you okay?”
“My throat is sore,” Meredith said. “Thanks for the water. Do you have any cold medicine with you?”
Shelly always carried a variety of antihistamines since it was miserable to fly with plugged-up ears or clogged sinuses. She brought her sister a couple of pills and asked if she wanted anything other than the bottled water to drink.
“No, thanks. I think I got a little too chilled on that boat ride. It was fun, but I didn’t wear enough layers.”
“You’ll probably feel better in the morning,” Shelly said. “Try to sleep.”
Meredith didn’t feel better in the morning. She asked for some salt water to gargle with and went back to bed. Shelly went back to bed, too. When Jana and Mike were ready to leave for church at nine, Shelly was still in bed.
“We’ll be back around eleven,” Jana said.
“Sorry I didn’t plan better so I could have gone with you,” Shelly said. She had wandered into the living room when she realized what time it was.
“Don’t worry about it,” Mike said. “We go to a local church that we really enjoy being part of, but most of our visitors don’t feel comfortable with the high-church style of worship.”
“Or that everything is in German,” Jana added.
“I would have liked to have gone,” Shelly said, pressing her cold, bare feet together. “I just goofed up on the time.”
“That’s okay. You’re on vacation. Get your rest in while you can,” Jana said. “Some devotional books are on the shelf in the living room if you want to have your own quiet time here. We’ll see you in a couple of hours.”
Jana and Mike slipped out the door. The apartment was quiet again. Scanning the shelves for the devotional books Jana mentioned, Shelly quickly lost interest when she thought of how she had grown up hearing morning devotions read from these books. The words of Spurgeon, Moody, Chambers, and other classic Christian writers had been delivered at the breakfast table every morning for years by her father’s rumbling speaker’s voice. She had heard it all. Not that it wasn’t interesting and inspirational, but this morning Shelly didn’t feel up for it.
Settling into a well-worn chair in the corner of the living room, Shelly tucked her feet under her and thought about Jonathan. It surprised her that he hadn’t stopped by the night before to say good-bye. Not that it would have changed anything. Maybe he didn’t want to see her again. Maybe this was his way of getting at her for the abrupt departure she had inflicted on him.
No, she couldn’t believe that. Jonathan wasn’t vindictive. Or at least he hadn’t been. It was possible his heart had changed. Their encounter had been too brief to know. She had certainly changed over the years. Why did she think Jonathan’s character had been unswerving?
I don’t know him anymore. I don’t have the right to assume anything of him, not even friendship.
Shelly let out a heavy sigh. The roller coaster of her emotions from the last two days appeared to be coming to a stop.
What has been is in the past. What is forms the present. What will be remains to be seen.
Satisfied with her philosophy, Shelly headed for the shower. It may not have been the kind of inspiration she would have received from one of the devotional books, but it was solid reasoning she could live with. The jostling of her emotions should not ruin her time in Germany, especially since she may never get here again. Whatever she wanted to see, she should go see.
Today, the plan was to travel to the town of Hilsbach, where her ancestors came from, and to find her great-great-great-grandfather’s grave.
Chapter Fifteen
After a warm, luxurious shower, Shelly checked on Meredith. She was still sleeping soundly so Shelly didn’t bother her. Since Meredith had mentioned the night before leaving at noon to search for their ancestor’s grave, Shelly began to wonder if Meredith would feel well enough to go when she woke up. Should Shelly take the car herself, or was it signed out in Meredith’s name only? Would Jana want to go, too? Where could they find a map to locate Hilsbach?
Shelly dressed and applied her makeup. Then she decided she would wak
e Meredith at eleven-thirty if she wasn’t up already. As Shelly made her way into the kitchen to start the teakettle, she heard the door open and the sound of several voices. Jana and Mike were home, and they had company.
Shelly rounded the corner with a smile, ready to greet Mike and Jana. There stood Jonathan. Elena was right beside him.
“Hi,” everyone seemed to say at once.
“How’s Meredith feeling?” Jana asked, taking off her coat and hanging it on a peg on the wall.
“She’s, ah … she’s still in bed.” Shelly kept her smile lit, but everything else in her had turned off. Her eyes stayed on Jana.
“Do you think she still wants to go with us?” Elena asked. Shelly couldn’t force herself to look at Jonathan’s fiancée.
“To go with us?” Shelly repeated, looking at Jana.
“Yeah,” Elena said. “To go with us to find your grandmother’s house or something.”
“Just a minute,” Shelly said. “I’ll go check on her.” With straight, deliberate steps, Shelly went into the guest room and closed the door behind her. “Meredith,” she stated firmly, “wake up.”
“Yeah?” Meredith turned over and blinked her eyes. “What’s going on?”
“Why don’t you tell me? Why are Jonathan and Elena standing out there in the living room?” Shelly tried to keep her voice low. “What did you say to them?”
Meredith forced herself to sit up. “What time is it?”
“Eleven. Why does that matter? Answer my question.”
Meredith pushed her stringy blond hair off her face. “I really konked out. I didn’t say anything wrong, Shelly. Don’t jump to conclusions. I didn’t think Elena would come.”
“I could use a little more of an explanation than that,” Shelly said, trying to control her temper. “What did you tell them?”
“Will you relax?” Meredith said. “Last night at dinner I told Jonathan that you and I were thinking of going to Hilsbach, and we needed to rent a car. He mentioned that we could use his car since he wasn’t going back to Belgium until Monday, but I never agreed to that. I didn’t think he and Elena would show up here.”