‘Hello,’ repeated the voice, a little agitated now.
‘Hello,’ said Alice quickly. But she had no idea how to continue.
‘Who is this?’ he asked, brusquely.
Alice forced the words from her mouth: ‘Um... can I speak to Mr. Forester, please?’
‘Speaking,’ said the voice.
Alice’s mouth fell open.
‘Who is this?’ he said.
‘Um, I’m Alice,’ she said, finally finding her tongue.
‘Who?’
Her name didn’t have the effect on him that she had secretly hoped it would. He did not remember her. He had not been waiting for her to call him all these years. She felt disappointed, somehow, but then realised that she was expecting too much... Alice is quite a common name, I suppose, she thought.
‘I’m Alice Turnbull. Your daughter.’ There, she had said it. That would leave no room for doubt.
There was silence on the other end of the phone line.
‘Well, I’m not really sure what to say,’ came the eventual response.
‘I’ve been looking for you for a while,’ she said, daring to hope that he cared, and holding on to the belief that this was her father she was speaking to.
‘Alice, I think this is quite inappropriate. Why have you contacted me after all this time? Wait... is Stephanie okay?’
‘Yes,’ said Alice, surprised at his question. The last fragment of doubt was now erased. It’s him. It’s my dad. A shiver left her with goose bumps.
‘Well then, why are you calling?’
Why? Alice frowned. ‘Well, I’d like to meet you,’ she said in a small voice.
‘Meet me? Why?’
He wasn’t making this easy for her. She had hoped he would take over the conversation, invite her over, ask her how she was. There was none of that.
‘I should think that’s obvious,’ she said, offended.
‘Why? What is obvious? Alice.... you’re twenty-one years old, and we’ve never kept in touch. Why on earth would you want to meet me? It’s absurd. I have a different life now; a new family. I don’t want to upset them by raking up the past. I’m pleased to have heard from you, so I can now rest easy that you’re okay, but I really don’t see any point in us meeting.’
Alice felt the tears in her eyes. She held them back. ‘I... I know about your new family. I’ve met Jane. Do you have any other children?’
‘Oh my God! What have you said to Jane?’
His response came as a shock to her. Stephanie was right. He doesn’t want to know me. A tear trickled down her cheek and she covered the mouthpiece on the phone momentarily as she sniffed back the flood that was due to arrive.
‘I haven’t said anything to Jane,’ said Alice morosely. ‘Well, when I met her, I said that I thought we had the same dad; but I thought your name was Roger, and she said her dad was called Ken, and... well, she thought I was crazy. You... You’ve never told her you were married before—’
‘Why would I? That’s part of history as far as I’m concerned.’
‘And me?’ said Alice, feeling unable to stop her words. ‘What about me? Am I part of history, too?’
‘Please believe me, I never meant to hurt you. When I left Stephanie, I left that part of my life behind; and yes, that included you. I’ve never been a father to you. You’re grown up now. You don’t need me. It would hurt too many people if we met up now. Please stay away.’
‘But what about Jane?’
‘What about her?’
‘She might get curious now that she’s met me. I mean, we look alike.’
‘Well, of course you look alike, you’re—’
‘Sisters. Yes. And I think Jane has the right to know she has an older sister, and I’d like to know her.’
‘What? Look... Okay, you’re sisters, but that’s all. You’re strangers. Face it, Alice. You grew up apart. You’d have nothing in common.’
‘Actually, both me and Jane are studying law; so we’re not that different.’
‘I mean it, Alice. Stay away.’
‘Why are you being like this?’
‘Have you spoken to Stephanie about contacting me?’ he said.
‘She doesn’t approve of me getting in touch. In fact, she told me you probably wouldn’t want to know me.’
‘There you go, then. You should take her advice. Just pretend I don’t exist. Pretend I’m dead. I don’t care. Believe me, it’s for the best.’ With that he hung up the phone.
Alice looked at the phone in her hand as the buzzing sound took the place of her father’s voice. She frowned. There were still so many questions in her head. Why had he been so cruel? He didn’t care about her at all. Were there even more secrets? Perhaps he didn’t know that she knew about the surrogacy. Maybe that was why he didn’t want to meet her—he didn’t want to have to be the one to tell her. Eventually, Alice replaced the handset onto the phone and shook her head. She had started the phone call with such hope.
She felt as though a door had been closed in her face and she was left out in the cold, tired and scared, with no one to turn to. The icy greyness of her new environment was too much to bear. She had reached out but had been rejected. She could hold back her tears no more. They began to flow.
Chapter Twelve
Friday 22nd August 1997
As Alice sat eating her corn flakes the next morning, after a sleepless night, she mulled over the conversation she’d had with her father the night before. It was as if it were a recording being constantly replayed in her mind, over and over again. She remembered every word and was desperately trying to analyse why he didn’t want to see her. Could it really be as simple as him not wanting to tell her about the surrogacy agreement? Or maybe he had been shocked at hearing the voice of the child he had abandoned some twenty years before. His reaction would not have been thought through. Perhaps he was just feeling guilty about deserting her and Stephanie, and he did not want to be confronted about it, so he preferred to cut ties rather than face up to the wrong he had done. Alice went over and over the possible reasons as she tossed and turned in bed, and now as she sat at the kitchen table she was again thinking the same things. She had not reached a conclusion, and the incessant repetition in her head was threatening to drive her crazy.
She finished her breakfast and went over to the fridge to pour a glass of orange juice. Then she saw the photograph that Stephanie had given her, the one where her father was holding her in his arms and smiling. Alice’s eyes were transfixed on the photograph that now hung from a magnet on the fridge. He seemed happy to be a father in that picture. What had gone wrong?
Maybe if he saw me? The thought entered her mind. Maybe if he saw how similar I look to Jane... He couldn’t turn his back on his own flesh and blood, could he? She decided that the best thing to do would be to go and see him. A phone call was so impersonal. It was also possible, she thought, that he may be regretting telling her to stay away. She refused to believe that her own father just didn’t want to know her.
Alice went into her bedroom to get her handbag. She looked out of the window; it seemed like a warm day, but she decided to take her denim jacket and umbrella, just in case. Exiting her bedroom, she took a deep breath and walked over to the side-table next to the sofa. There it was: his address. She could not believe that she was actually going to do this—going to visit her father. Lingering doubts crept in again as she recalled the way he had spoken to her, but she tried to put that to the back of her mind. She would give him the benefit of the doubt. He had not been expecting her call; maybe he would be nicer to her now he had had time to think about it.
As she stepped outside, her thoughts turned to Stephanie. Stephanie had always been there for her in the important times; this was one of those times. She felt she owed it to Stephanie to let her know that she was going to visit her father. She recalled their last few conversations and how Stephanie had tried to warn her about him. She was right about him, thought Alice, but again she pushed the though
t away. I have to meet him, at least once.
She arrived at the hairdressing salon at 12 noon. Stephanie was busy blow-drying a client’s hair, so she suggested that Alice wait for her and they would go to lunch when she finished.
Alice went into the kitchen area at the back of the salon to get a glass of water. Rosie, one of the hairdressers, was in there. The staff at the salon knew Alice quite well as she often visited. When she was younger, she used to go there to help with sweeping the floor, making tea for clients, etc.
Rosie Jones had been working at the salon for as long as Alice could remember. She was about Stephanie’s age, but always appeared to be trying to look younger than her years. Rosie wore short skirts and lots of brightly coloured make-up. Today her bleached-blonde hair had streaks of purple running through it. The last time Alice had seen her, her hair had been black; and once, Alice had hardly recognised her when she’d walked into the salon—Rosie had completely straightened her naturally curly hair and dyed it bright red.
Rosie and Stephanie were good friends. Even though they worked together all day, Rosie would often visit Stephanie at home, and Stephanie and Alice had been to Rosie’s house a few times. Rosie always seemed to be up to date with what Alice was doing even when she hadn’t seen her for ages.
‘You’ll be going back to university soon, won’t you?’ said Rosie, after they’d said hello. She spoke as if she wasn’t really expecting an answer, then continued: ‘My Sandra will be going to university soon. She’s studying French. She wants to be a teacher. I don’t know if teaching is such a great job these days. Children don’t respect teachers like they did when I was young. Well, even in my day some of the teachers used to have a hard time. But Sandra’s made up her mind. Are you enjoying your law degree?’
‘Um... yes. It’s quite interesting. There’s a lot of reading involved.’
‘You’ll probably end up being a famous lawyer. Your mum is always going on about how clever you are.’ Rosie smiled and dunked a biscuit in her tea, losing half of it in the cup. ‘Oops,’ she said, as she desperately tried to retrieve the biscuit with a teaspoon.
Alice smiled, trying to pretend she hadn’t noticed. ‘Oh, my mum always exaggerates.’ The words “my mum” resounded in Alice’s head, and her face flushed with colour. Her mind was invaded by the unwelcome thought that Rosie might know about the surrogacy. Alice wondered whether all of Stephanie’s friends knew.
‘Oh, well, I’d better get back to work,’ said Rosie.
Alice smiled at her and breathed a sigh of relief.
She followed Rosie out into the reception area of the salon.
Rosie greeted her next client, an elderly woman who wanted her hair dyed.
Sitting in the reception area, Alice flicked through some magazines. She would have to talk to Stephanie about getting some new magazines for the salon, she mused; all the ones on the table were at least a year old, and there was one battered copy of She that was dated May 1992.
Finally, Stephanie finished with her client and approached Alice. ‘Hello, darling,’ she said, a half-smile on her face. Her brow furrowed, as if she were unsure how Alice would treat her. Or perhaps, she was picking up a feeling that Alice wanted to talk to her about her father again. Stephanie always seemed to know what Alice was thinking.
They went to a café close to the salon. As it was a sunny day, they sat outside.
‘So, how have you been, Alice?’ asked Stephanie after they settled down to eat their lunch.
‘Fine,’ said Alice. ‘I’ve found my dad,’ she said, thinking now was as good a time as any to break the news. She braced herself for the response.
‘You’ve found him?’ Stephanie almost screamed the words, startling a pigeon that had approached their table looking for crumbs.
Alice closed her eyes briefly and then continued: ‘I’ve got his address and telephone number. It’s amazing because he only lives in Finchley. It’s so close, isn’t it? I couldn’t believe it.’ She hoped that if she kept talking, it would be easier for Stephanie to digest the information.
Stephanie was looking at her with wide eyes and an open mouth as if she had been frozen in time. When Alice fell silent, Stephanie shook her head slightly as if she didn’t really believe what she was hearing. ‘Um...’ she began, ‘so, he’s moved back to London, then.’ She appeared nervous; fidgety. She put the sandwich she was holding onto her plate as if she had lost her appetite. ‘When we got divorced he was living in Oxford. I thought he’d still be there.’
‘No, he lives in Oakview Road, number twenty-seven.’
‘Oakview Road,’ said Stephanie, automatically repeating the words.
‘Yes, it’s quite close to Finchley Central Station.’
Stephanie nodded and picked up her sandwich again. Alice wasn’t sure, but she thought she could see tears in her eyes.
She watched as Stephanie took a bite of her sandwich.
‘I spoke to him on the phone last night,’ she said, hoping it wasn’t too soon to tell her that.
Stephanie blinked and her eyes widened in surprise. ‘Y... You spoke to him?’
‘Yes, he was a bit surprised to hear from me.’ Alice’s fingers played with the napkin in front of her on the table as she spoke. ‘Well, he would be, wouldn’t he?’ she added, faking a laugh.
Narrowing her eyes, Stephanie frowned. ‘Wh... What did he say?’
‘I’m going to visit him today,’ said Alice, evading the question.
‘That is surprising!’ Stephanie’s eyes were wide. ‘You mean he’s invited you?’
‘Well, no, he hasn’t exactly invited me. But as I say, it was a shock for him to hear from me like that, so he didn’t offer for me to visit. But I think it would be the right thing to do—to go and visit him. I mean, it’s much easier to talk to someone face to face rather than over the phone... I’m sure he’ll be pleased to see me if I go.’ She knew she was rambling, but she was trying to convince herself as much as Stephanie.
‘What... What did he say exactly... when you phoned?’
‘It was unexpected. He didn’t really know what to say. He didn’t really have much to say. I think it’ll be better in person, face to face,’ said Alice, rambling again.
‘What did he say, Alice?’
She avoided Stephanie’s eyes, knowing that she would see straight through her; Stephanie always could tell when she was lying.
‘Okay then; he said he didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to meet.’ Alice shrugged.
‘I knew it. Didn’t I warn you?’ Stephanie closed her eyes briefly, then picked up her cup of coffee and took a sip.
‘But I’m still going to see him,’ said Alice resolutely.
‘You’ve always been stubborn, Alice. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop you once you got it into your head you wanted to see him. But, darling, I was always only thinking of you when I said I didn’t think it was a good idea.’ She wiped her mouth with the napkin that had been in her lap and looked Alice in the eye. ‘Your father has always been a selfish man. It sounds to me as if he hasn’t changed. He left us, without a thought of what would happen to us. Just disappeared. Do you know,’ she narrowed her eyes, ‘it would serve him right if you did just turn up at his door and shock his new family. He probably hasn’t told them about us... um... about you, has he?’
‘No,’ admitted Alice.
Stephanie shook her head and turned to look at the traffic along the busy high street.
‘So... you agree with me then? You think I should go and see him?’
‘I didn’t say that. I’m just saying that maybe it would teach him a thing or two about disregarding other people’s feelings. But, darling, I don’t want you to get hurt. I know I’ve said this before, but it will more than likely end in tears. He’ll disappoint you, just like he did all those years ago when he deserted us. He has no feelings.’
Alice saw a bitter look on Stephanie’s face that she had never seen before.
‘Alice, dear, you c
an’t really expect him to want to know you now, after all this time, when he hasn’t even bothered to contact you.’
Alice didn’t want to accept what she was hearing. She wanted to believe that if her father saw her, he would want to get to know her. She took a sip of coffee. ‘I’ve made up my mind, I am going to see him.’ She did not look at Stephanie, but instead looked into the distance trying to concentrate on something other than the nagging doubts in her mind.
‘I hope I’m wrong, for your sake. I hope he’s changed now that he has another family and children. Does he have any other children?’
‘I only know about Jane.’
They walked back to the salon in silence.
‘Alice,’ Stephanie called out, as Alice turned around to leave. ‘Please just don’t expect too much. Don’t get your hopes up.’
Alice smiled and waved good-bye.
***
Alice felt excited, but nervous, as she stepped off the Tube train at Finchley Central Station. She stood at the station entrance for a few minutes before walking in the direction of her father’s street.
She wondered whether she was doing the right thing. Thinking back to the telephone conversation she’d had with him, the persistent doubt crept in to her mind again. He hadn’t wanted to meet her; had told her to stay away. When she reached Oakview Road—his road—something made her stop at the corner, and for a short while, she felt rooted to the spot, unable to move any further forward. She felt stupid. What will I say? She tensed, and creased her brow as she also worried what he would say to her. Would he be as rude as he had been on the phone? Does he really not want me in his life? The questions ran through her mind until she lost the courage and confidence she’d had when she’d first set out on the journey.
Turning around, she looked back in the direction of the underground station, and wondered whether the best thing would be to just go back home. She could go home and think about it; maybe come back another day and try again. That sounded like a better plan. She looked at her watch. It was nearly 3 p.m. He’s probably at work, anyway, she thought to herself. She began walking back towards the Tube station, but when she reached the station entrance, she stopped walking and looked behind her in the direction of her father’s street. She had really wanted to meet him today, and that feeling was still there drawing her back towards the house. She knew that she would regret getting back onto the train and going back home. I’ve come this far; what harm would it do to have a look at the house? she thought.