Alice prayed that Stephanie would not work it out. She couldn’t think of what to say to change the subject.
‘Alice, are you still there?’
‘Yes, yes,’ she said, flustered.
‘What do you mean, she’s your real sister?’
‘Um, I... Oh, did I say that? No, I mean, yes, I found out she’s my half-sister,’ said Alice, hoping that she would ask no further questions.
‘No, Alice, you said you found out she is your real sister, not just your half... Alice!’ exclaimed Stephanie. The penny had dropped. ‘That would mean that Miranda is her mother.’
Alice was silent.
‘Alice?’
‘Yes,’ said Alice. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you, it just came out. I’m really sorry.’
‘Well, I don’t know what to say. How did you find out? Did you meet Miranda?’
‘No.’
‘Does she live with your father?’
‘Yes. Well, I think so.’
‘Are they married?’ Stephanie knew now, without having to be told, that when Roger had petitioned for divorce, all those years ago, he had done so in order to be able to marry Miranda.
‘I don’t know,’ said Alice, remembering the parcel addressed to “Mrs. Miranda Forester.” She felt terrible; she couldn’t believe how many people’s lives she had affected, just because she wanted to find out about her background.
‘I never even considered that as a possibility.’ Stephanie sounded distant. ‘It’s come as a bit of a shock, actually. I don’t know why. I mean, I don’t care who your father ended up with. But, I can’t believe... Miranda.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Stop apologising,’ said Stephanie. ‘So, do they have any other children?’
‘Not that I know of.’
‘Are you going to go back to visit them?’
‘I don’t know. I was just thinking about it all now, before you phoned. I’m not sure what I think about them. I’m not too happy about the way they’ve never bothered to contact me. I don’t know, but it seems like they never cared about me. Jane is really nice though, and I’d like to keep in contact with her, so maybe I should visit them. What do you think?’
‘Oh, I don’t know, dear, I’m still trying to get my head around this. I suppose your father must have been seeing Miranda, behind my back, for some time. That would explain why he left us without an explanation. I should have realised he was attracted to her when the surrogacy thing was going on. What a fool I must have been; all the signs were there. Your father wasn’t keen on the surrogacy idea, but he changed his mind when we met Miranda. I was too blind to realise what was going on under my own nose.’
‘But, that doesn’t make sense,’ said Alice, ‘I mean, if they were seeing each other during the time when Miranda was pregnant, why didn’t they take me with them when they ran off together? Why didn’t they keep me?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Stephanie, sounding agitated. ‘Maybe they didn’t want a child.’
‘But they’ve got Jane. She doesn’t seem that much younger than me. Why didn’t they ever want to know me?’
‘Don’t upset yourself, darling; they’re not worth it. They’re probably both just as selfish as each other; only thinking of themselves, to hell with everyone else.’
‘Probably,’ said Alice, in a small voice. ‘So, do you think they would want to meet me?’
Stephanie was aware that Alice probably needed to feel that she was loved by her parents, not that she meant nothing to them, so she pushed aside her own feelings about Roger and Miranda for a moment. ‘Oh, Alice, they are your parents, whatever they’ve done. I’m sure they’d like to meet you.’
‘They’ve never acted like parents. Why didn’t they ever try to get in touch with me?’ Alice fought back tears.
‘Maybe they didn’t want me to find out that they were together, maybe that’s why they never made contact,’ suggested Stephanie.
‘But what difference would it have made if you found out about them? You were separated from my dad. You wouldn’t have cared.’
‘I know, but they probably thought I wouldn’t agree to let them see you, if I found out about them. Then they would have had to go through the courts to be able to see you. You were legally mine and your father’s, after you were born. Miranda had given up her rights over you. It would have been difficult for them.’ Stephanie sighed.
‘Yeah, but did they ever approach you, to ask if they could see me?’
‘No, never.’
‘So, they didn’t know for sure that you’d deny them access. They didn’t even try to find out.’ Alice sounded glum.
‘Don’t upset yourself,’ said Stephanie. ‘There are always a lot of reasons why people do, and don't do, things. And time goes so fast. People’s lives can get very busy. It doesn’t mean they never thought about you, darling. It was all quite complicated. I mean, what with the surrogacy agreement, they were probably afraid that it would all come out in the open. Or, maybe Miranda didn’t want to face me after having an affair with my husband. I don’t think we’ll ever know why they didn’t contact you, but don’t think it’s because they don’t love you. You are their daughter.’
‘Why are you defending them?’
‘You know my true feelings about your father: I think he is a selfish fool, and now I’ve heard about all of this, I think Miranda is a two-faced, conniving... Oh, well, it doesn’t matter. All I’m trying to do is be objective. I’m trying to help you see that even though they didn’t contact you, there might have been a hundred reasons—none of which would have been that they never thought of you or they didn’t love you. Deep down, it must have been very difficult for them to stay away. But maybe after they had Jane, she was a replacement of sorts. Sometimes people can be fickle like that... Or maybe it was their way of dealing with losing you—replacing you and blocking it all out of their conscience. Who knows? All I’m saying is, just because I hate your father for what he did, it doesn’t mean you have to hate him, and it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.’
‘I wish you were my real mum,’ said Alice.
‘Well, I am, in a way,’ said Stephanie, feeling a lump in her throat. ‘Think about it like this, Alice: there must have been a reason your parents never contacted you, just like me not telling you that I wasn’t your real mother. I did it for your own good; well, so I thought—I only ever did what I thought was best. That’s probably what they did.’
‘So, do you think I should visit them?’
‘Well, that’s up to you. I can’t make that decision for you,’ said Stephanie. She bit her tongue, wishing she could tell Alice not to have anything more to do with them. ‘Why don’t you come over to mine for dinner tomorrow evening, after work, and we’ll talk then. Try to forget about it all for now. Give yourself time to recover your senses before you make a decision. It can’t have been easy for you finding all this out.’
‘I don’t know. I just feel as though I’ve got to meet them, before I can relax. I’ve got to ask them why they did it, and why they never wanted to know me. I might try going there tomorrow evening.’
‘But you’ll be tired after work. Why don’t you leave it until Sunday. Come to dinner with me, tomorrow, darling. Give yourself more time to think about this. Don’t just rush in.’
‘Maybe you’re right.’
‘Right then, I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘Yes, okay, bye,’ said Alice.
‘Bye.’
***
Stephanie sat staring at the telephone, wondering whether she had just imagined the conversation she’d had with Alice. There was nothing to prove that she had just heard what she’d heard. Nothing had changed. She was still sitting in the same chair as she had been sitting in when she had decided to phone Alice.
The significance of what she had just heard was only now beginning to sink in. It was the ultimate betrayal. How could Roger have done that? She had thought he loved her, all those years
ago, when they were planning to have a baby. Now, nothing seemed real. It had all been lies. Roger had only gone along with the surrogacy agreement because he had been in love with Miranda. The reality sank in with a bitter twist. They must have been laughing at me behind my back. Humiliation taunted her.
All those nights Roger was out late, and said he was working, he must have been with Miranda. She pushed the unwelcome thoughts from her mind and inwardly rebuked herself—stop thinking about it! Why should I care? It’s all in the past. None of it matters now. But somewhere deep inside her, she knew why it did matter. Roger had gone behind her back and she’d had no idea about his infidelity. An old wound had opened and all the pain that had gone with it had returned. Miranda and Roger. She would never have imagined...
Switching on the television, to distract herself from her thoughts, she watched as the pictures on the screen flashed before her. Her thoughts proved too persistent and she was unable to concentrate on anything else.
But, why did they leave Alice with me? The question remained unanswered: if they had been in love and had a child together, why give the child to her? She supposed they had not really wanted a child at the time. After all, Miranda had been a hippie student who wanted to travel the world and probably didn’t want the burden of having to bring up a child. She had only agreed to the surrogacy for the money. But would she really have been able to give up the child of the man she had fallen in love with, to his estranged wife? None of it made any sense.
The thoughts swam around in her mind making her feel sick. She recalled the photograph she had seen of Jane in the newspaper, and how similar she was to Alice. How could Roger and Miranda have lived their lives without giving a thought to Alice? They had denied Alice and Jane the opportunity of a relationship as sisters. They seemed to have lived their lives in a vacuum, without thinking about the consequences of what they had done.
Her thoughts turned to Alice. Poor Alice. She had been through so much in the past couple of weeks. Finding out that the person she thought was her mother, was not, was bad enough; but finding out that her real father and mother had abandoned her and were living together... She began to wonder how Alice would be able to cope with all of this. She decided to phone Rita.
‘Hello?’ said a man’s voice.
‘Oh, hello,’ she replied, wondering if she had dialled the wrong number, ‘can I speak to Rita?’
‘Yes, hang on a minute,’ said the man. It dawned on Stephanie that she had put so much energy into worrying about Alice wanting to find her father, that she and Rita had only really discussed her life, not Rita’s. She didn’t even know if Rita was married, or if she had children. Perhaps that was her husband who answered the phone.
After a couple of minutes, Rita’s voice sounded, ‘Hello?’
‘Hello, Rita, it’s Stephanie. I haven’t caught you at a bad time, have I?’
‘No, no, not at all; it’s always nice to hear from you.’
‘Who was that who answered the phone?’ asked Stephanie, curious.
‘Er, no one. Um, my nephew.’
‘I thought it might have been your husband,’ said Stephanie, trying to show some interest in her friend’s life.
‘No, I’m not married.’
‘Oh.’
‘Well, I was married, but I got divorced ten years ago. My husband had an affair with my next-door neighbour. Can you believe it?’ Rita laughed as if she were talking about something that didn’t concern her.
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,’ said Stephanie, thinking again of Roger and Miranda’s betrayal.
‘Don’t be, I was waiting for someone to take him off my hands; he was such a loser. Dishonest, rude, inconsiderate... I could go on. Sorry, Steph; you phoned me and I’m ranting on about myself.’
‘That’s okay.’
‘How are things with you?’ asked Rita.
‘Oh, I feel as though I’m always burdening you with my problems. Please forgive me, but I need to speak to someone and you are the only person I can speak to about all this.’
‘What’s happened? Is it about Alice? Has she found Roger?’
‘Yes, well, she’s found out where he lives. Everything is just getting so out of control,’ said Stephanie.
‘Has she met him yet?’
‘No, but she spoke to him on the phone, and he wasn’t very friendly to her. But, that’s not the worst part; you won’t believe this—he’s living with Miranda. They’re married, I think, and they have another daughter.’
‘Right,’ said Rita.
‘You don’t sound surprised. I was in shock when I heard about it,’ said Stephanie.
‘Sorry, Steph,’ said Rita, slowly, ‘I sort of knew already.’
‘What do you mean you “sort of” knew? Did you, or didn’t you?’ Paranoid thoughts entered Stephanie’s mind. Rita’s friend had known Miranda, and had introduced them to Miranda when they wanted a surrogate; was it possible Rita kept in touch with her and knew all about this?
‘I... I only knew what I’d heard on the grapevine—’
‘Why didn’t you say something before?’
‘I didn’t want to upset you. I knew it would all come out eventually, especially with Alice looking for Roger. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you,’ explained Rita. ‘I wasn’t even one-hundred-per-cent sure that they were living together. All I knew was something I heard a few years back. I bumped into Angela, my old friend who introduced you to Miranda. She mentioned that Miranda was living with Roger. I didn’t believe her. Well, I mean, I didn’t think it was possible. I thought you were still with Roger. Angela said she had kept in touch with Miranda, on and off, since university. I swear, that’s all I knew. I didn’t have anything concrete to go on. It only really clicked when I met you again, when you said you’d divorced Roger. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I just didn’t think it was my place.’
Stephanie closed her eyes and remained silent for a moment, as the information sank in.
Rita continued, ‘I suppose I felt partly responsible.’
‘Why?’ Stephanie’s eyes widened.
‘Well, I was the one who told you about Miranda, wasn’t I?’ Rita sounded sad. ‘I couldn’t help thinking that if I hadn’t told Angela about it, and if she hadn’t introduced you and Roger to Miranda, none of this would have happened. Maybe you’d still be with Roger.’
‘I still can’t believe it...’ Stephanie spoke softly. ‘But really, Rita, you shouldn’t blame yourself. One thing I know for sure is that I would not have still been with Roger. We were not right for each other. If it wasn’t Miranda, it would have been someone, or something else. Believe me, our marriage wasn’t working. I fooled myself into thinking that if we had a child it would make a difference, but it didn’t.’
‘Well, anyway, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you about what I’d heard,’ said Rita. ‘But, I was trying to help; that’s why I was so pushy with you; telling you that you should let Alice know about Miranda, and that you should tell her everything. I knew that if they were living together Alice would find everything out from Roger, if you didn’t tell her.’
‘Oh, everything is just so confusing. I don’t know what to believe anymore.’
‘I know, I know,’ said Rita, ‘but I’m sure everything will work itself out in the end. I’m sure.’
‘Alice is so upset. She can’t understand why her parents abandoned her if they’re still together and have another daughter. It’s so hard on her. I don’t know what to do,’ said Stephanie. ‘I think she’s planning to visit them, but I don’t think it’s such a good idea. What good could possibly come out of it now? Am I being selfish? I keep thinking: what if she wants to be with them, and doesn’t want me anymore?’
‘Maybe she just needs to visit them, to get it out of her system. It’s hardly likely she wants a relationship with them as parents, now, after everything they’ve done. She’s not a child anymore. She’s probably just curious,’ said Rita.
‘I suppose
so, but I just don’t want her to get hurt. She’s been through so much already.’
‘Stop worrying, Steph. I’m sure everything will be okay. Alice seems like an intelligent girl. I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.’
‘Yes, you’re probably right.’ Stephanie paused. ‘Maybe I should go with her when she visits them.’
‘Um, I don’t think that would be a good idea.’
‘No, neither do I,’ said Stephanie, laughing. ‘But I’d love to see the looks on their faces, if I did!’
‘So would I. Maybe we should both go!’ Rita laughed.
‘Yes!’ Stephanie laughed along with her. ‘Thanks for cheering me up. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.’
‘No problem, Steph. Everything will be all right, you’ll see.’
Chapter Thirteen
Saturday 23rd August 1997
Alice’s alarm clock sounded at 7.30 a.m. Reaching out of her duvet, she pressed the snooze button. She had not slept very well; her mind had been so consumed with memories of the meeting she’d had with Jane, the phone call with her father, her conversation with Stephanie... Everything had been replaying in her head non-stop as she tried to think of ways around her dilemma. In the cold light of day, she felt more confused than ever. Anxiety pervaded her senses. The one thing she was sure about was that she would not rest until she had met with her parents, to talk everything through. She needed to hear their version of events.
Maybe they had wanted to look after her, but there might have been a reason why they were unable to. The thought crossed her mind that maybe they had tried to contact her, and perhaps Stephanie had refused to allow them to. Could Stephanie have been the selfish one? Had she denied them access? But Alice felt immediately guilty for even thinking that about Stephanie. She wouldn’t do something like that. Then Alice began to question whether she really knew what Stephanie would and would not do. After all, she had kept a secret from her for so long: she didn’t tell her that she was not her real mother until she said she was going to look for her father. Alice started to think that it was not so improbable that Stephanie had kept other things from her as well.