Is it because you want to see the ending, how the story works out? Because I remember the way you were in Riano when we went to the cinema to see that American film, something about the F.B.I. You laughed continually and the audience made small hissing noises at you. But you waited, because you wanted to see the end. Then we went to a café for a drink and you sipped your sweet vermouth and said, “Wasn’t it awful?”
There is a scratching at the door. You enter quietly, wearing my shirt over your dress. I can hear that your feet are bare. And I can smell you, the smell of your pulse. It is as if you opened a window on the inner regions of your soul. The smell is of rain on the wheat plains. Water and sand, seeds, cow dung, spit, wild flowers, and dry summer grass.
You enter the room softly on your bare feet and I lie on the cool sheet watching you watching me.
I say, where were you?
You say, I went for a walk … by the river.
I say, it stinks by the river.
You say, I know.
You have nothing but your skirt and my shirt on. You shed them limply and come to my bed, frowning gently.
Day
The shutters are still open and a small boy watches us. He has climbed up from the roadway onto our small raised balcony. I place a sheet over you and stand up, gesturing to the child that he must go. He refuses to budge, staring fixedly at my cock. He has a large square head and small stupid eyes. Go, I say. But I do not move out onto the balcony where I could be viewed from the street. I could possibly be misinterpreted and that would be unfortunate.
Instead, I close the shutters and wait for him to go. I wait five minutes by the watch on your sleep-limp wrist. He is still there. I make myself comfortable and wait.
He is probably from the police. That amuses me, but not sufficiently, because it is not totally impossible. Things are becoming less and less impossible.
I do not care about the police but would like to know why they refused to let us back across the border last Sunday.
Jorge is a captain in Timoshenko’s army at the border post. I am informed of his name because he has been called that, Jorge, by people in the restaurant. Jorge has told you that there is a war across the border. Either that or that the people across the border are anxious to attack this country when Timoshenko dies. Or possibly both things. You say there was a difficulty with the grammar, a doubt about the meaning of a certain verb and one or two words that are phonetically confusing. But you have accepted all three possibilities as being true and reasonable. He bought you a drink and insisted that you sit at his table to drink it. I was more confused than hurt, more anxious than angry. It seemed possible that he was teasing, that he had fabricated or arranged a war to have you sit at his table.
That is why we now eat at the Restaurant Centrale. But sooner or later he will come to buy you a second drink and to announce that the war is continuing indefinitely. I have no plan for dealing with him. He appears to be well covered and practically invulnerable.
In all likelihood I shall watch you both from my table.
Jorge’s small spy is still there on the balcony and is peering through the shutters. I turn my back on him and go back to the filing system which is now devoted to the streets of London. I begin to arrange them in alphabetical order but can get no closer to A than Albermarle Street.
Outside the boys are revving up their Zundapps. Trucks continue to pass over the bridge but there seem to be more of them. It is as if they have been brought out by the heat. Today will be most unpleasant. It is hotter now than it was at noon yesterday.
The ceiling rumbles and the water begins to pour through, slowly at first and then in a torrent. I place fresh newspaper inside the bidet and watch Timoshenko’s face absorb the water, becoming soggy and grey.
Afternoon
I watch you eat your yoghurt. You appraise each spoonful carefully, watching the white sop slide and drip from your spoon. There are beads of perspiration on your lip and you ask me to ask for the water. I have forgotten the word and remember it incorrectly. The waiter appears to understand but brings coffee and you say that coffee will do. Later, when I pay, I notice that he does not include the price of the coffee. Has he forgotten it? Or is it an elaborate joke, to bring coffee, pretending all the time that it is water. After eight days in this town it is not impossible.
We leave the café and walk up towards the museum. You shade your eyes and say, perhaps it will open today, although you know it will be closed.
After the museum we walk through the same cobbled streets we have walked for eight days, attempting to find new ones. There are no new streets, they are the same. They contain the same grey houses faced with the same ornate ceramic tiles. I photograph the same tiles I photographed yesterday. You take my arm as we enter the square for the last time and say, the money has come, I can feel it.
We walk slowly to the Banco Nationale. It is still early. After we have checked there we will return to our room, there is nothing else.
The money has arrived. You discuss it with the teller. You appear uncertain, moving from one foot to the other as you lean against the counter watching him calculating the exchange on the back of a cigarette packet. The two of you consult frequently. You look at me uncertainly and produce some dark glasses from your handbag. Among your numerous small possessions these are a surprise to me. I thought I could number your possessions and had, one night, compiled a mental list of them. It is called Kim’s game, I believe, although I have no idea why.
It is cool and quiet in the bank. You whisper to the teller in his language. The rest of the bank staff sit in shirtsleeves at their desks and watch. Occasionally they say something. A thin-faced clerk addresses a question to me. I shrug and point to you. Everybody laughs and I light a cigarette.
I have no confidence in the money or its ability to get us back across the border. There is a bus later this afternoon.
I ask you to ask the teller about the war across the border. You lean towards him, kicking up your legs behind the counter as you lean. He replies earnestly, removing his heavy glasses and wiping perspiration from his badly shaven face. I notice that he has a small tic in his cheek. He has the appearance of an academic discussing a perplexing problem. When he has finished he replaces his glasses and resumes his calculations.
You say nothing.
I ask you. The anxiety is returning — I cannot connect your behaviour to anything. I am not anxious for the course of the war itself, nor for the sake of the money. I touch your flesh where it is very soft, above the elbow, and you jump slightly. I ask you what he has said.
You say, he says everything is OK … he heard on the radio that it is OK.
And Timoshenko? I ask you. The clerk looks up when he hears the words but resumes his work immediately. My finger plays with the fabric of your blouse where it clings to your arm. And Timoshenko?
You say, Timoshenko is OK … the operation was a success …
Did he say?
No, I read it this morning … in the newspaper … I meant to say. You look at your dusty sandalled foot and scratch the bare calf of your leg. I notice now how you scratch the bare calf of your leg like that. I wonder how such a habit starts. There are many small red scratch marks on your leg. You say, Timoshenko is OK.
I go to stand at the window and look across to our hotel. A number of small boys are fighting on the balcony of our room.
I return to the counter and lean against it as if it were a bar and I were in a western. I lean backwards with my elbows on the bar and watch you sideways. I say, ask him about the border, will they let us across?
He wouldn’t know.
I know, I say, it doesn’t matter.
Before
In Villa Franca you were in the Banco Nationale when I met you. You wore the same blouse and asked if I would mind you travelling with me. I said, I would be happy for you to. Your eyes were soft and grey, seeming wise and gentle. You had, so it seemed, lived less than a block from me in London. It was diffi
cult to work out the chronology, you appeared to shift around so often.
You said, you don’t look as if you work in insurance. And I wasn’t sure what you meant.
Border
I prepare for Jorge as the bus groans around the mountain road towards the border. It is full of old women and stops constantly to let them off. There are also a few men who wear squat hats, heavy farmers’ boots, and black umbrellas. The heat is intense. You gaze out the window and say nothing. We have not discussed the border or any of its implications. I do not believe in the war or Timoshenko.
The border post is at a break in the mountains. There is a small wooden bridge and two buildings that look like filling stations. Soldiers stand around the bridge with machine-guns hung casually from their limp shoulders. One kicks a stone. There is a woman and a child sitting in the dust by the customs house steps. The woman waves flies away from her face with a newspaper. The child sits stock still and stares at the bus with dull interest.
There are now only six of us in the bus. Three men with squat hats and black umbrellas and an old woman who carries two chickens by the legs, one in each hand. The chickens appear to be asleep.
We have been here before. Last Sunday. We wait for Jorge and the continuation of his little joke. You sit beside me in the bus and huddle into the window, alone with your reflection in the dusty fly-marked glass. I say, it is OK. You say, yes it is OK. Your eyes hide behind dark glasses and I see only my own face staring at me questioningly.
In the customs shed we form a line. There is an argument about the chickens and one is confiscated. A soldier tethers its feet to the bottom of an old hat stand from which a machine-gun hangs heavily.
Jorge stands at the head of the line looking along it like a sergeant major. He waves to us and waddles down, a riding crop tucked under his fat folded arm. The riding crop betrays his heroes but looks ludicrous and somehow obscene. He has two broken teeth which appear to be in an advanced state of decay.
You talk to him and he continues to look across at me. Finally you turn to me and say, he says it is OK … the war was nothing … an incident … they often have them.
You do not appear happy. Your forehead is wrinkled with a frown that I yearn to smooth with my palm.
I shake Jorge’s hand. I am immediately sorry. The chicken is in danger of upsetting the hat stand. The soldier removes the machine-gun and places it on the counter.
After
The bus travels through the flat grey granite as dusk settles. Large rocks pierce the gloomy surface of the earth. There are no trees but a few sheep who prefer the road to the country on either side, possibly because it is softer. It is cooler here on the other side of the border, on this side of the mountains.
Rain begins to fall lightly on the windows, making soft patterns in the dust. I open the window to smell the rain. You are frowning again. I hold my hand out the window until it is wet and then place my palm on your forehead.
I say, why do you frown?
You say, because I love you.
I say, why do you smile?
Because I love you.
Postscript
In Candalido I ask you about the first time we crossed the border and why you crossed separately.
You say, it is because of the underwear, because they always do that … at the small border posts … take out the underwear.
I say, why should I mind?
You say, it was dirty.
Happy Story
1.
Marie was critical of his ideas about flying. “You’re really in a bad way about this.”
“I don’t think it’s a bad way,” he said.
“It’s an obsession,” she said, “all this talk about flying and birds. I think you’re simply unhappy and want to escape.”
He lay on his back on the beach and watched a seagull ride the wind, dropping, sliding, turning. “I think it’d be good,” he said, “look at that seagull.”
Marie closed her eyes. “I’ve seen them,” she said. “They’re white and have orange beaks.” She was silent a moment. “And orange legs,” she added. Later she broke the silence to say, “If you could fly you’d want to do something else, like swim.”
“Seagulls can swim,” he said.
“Not under water.”
“They can dive under water,” he said, “but they can’t stay under for long.”
“That’s what I mean,” she said, “they can’t stay under for long. They can’t swim under water, not like a fish.”
“No,” he said, “that’s true, they’re not like fish.”
“Doesn’t that make you unhappy?”
“No,” he said, “I’m more interested in the flying.”
She turned on the sand. “You’re exasperating,” she said. “I know you’ll never be happy.”
“I’d be happy if I could fly.”
“That doesn’t seem very likely.”
“It isn’t impossible either.”
“No,” she sighed, “I guess it’s not impossible.”
2.
“You’re crying,” she said.
“No, not really.”
“I know why you’re crying. You’re crying because of your wife.”
“No, I don’t think that’s true.”
“I’m sure it’s true.”
“It’s not, really.”
“Then it’s because you can’t fly.”
“No.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s nothing,” he said. “I wasn’t crying.”
3.
After making love she was still restless. “What is it?” she asked him.
“What’s what?”
“You know.”
“No, really, I don’t. I feel good. Do you feel good?”
“Yes, I feel good, but what about you? What is it?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re staring at the ceiling in a funny way.”
“I’m lying on my back. I’m staring at the ceiling because I’m lying on my back.”
“You’re thinking about flying,” she said accusingly.
“I’m not.”
“You are. I can tell you are. I always know when you’re thinking about flying. Will you stop, please.”
“OK,” he said.
Later she said, “You were thinking about it, weren’t you? Tell me honestly.”
“No,” he said, “I don’t think I was.”
“You frighten me when you think about flying. Promise me you won’t.”
“I promise,” he said.
4.
“What’s this?” she asked, looking over his shoulder.
“It’s a water pump,” he said.
“It has wings.”
“No, they’re not wings. They’re the blades of the wheel. They lift the water. It’s a water pump.”
“I think it’s about flying,” she said. “You promised me you wouldn’t.”
“It’s a water pump,” he said, “really.”
“Well,” she said, “in any case, there are little eggs all over the cabbages. I came in to tell you.”
5.
No one had said anything about flying for a long time. They were drying the dishes one night when Marie broached the subject: “If you built something for flying in,” she said, “just say you did …”
“Yes,” he said.
“Well, if you did, how many people would it carry?”
“The two of us.”
“It could fly with the two of us?”
“Of course.”
She looked happy and kissed him suddenly. Her hands left lumps of soap suds in his hair. Then she became thoughtful. “If you built it,” she said, “would there be room for the dog?”
“Yes,” he said, “that could be done. I hadn’t thought of it, but that could be done.”
“It wouldn’t be difficult?”
“No. It’d be easy.”
“That sounds like a good idea,” she said.
6.
“Well,” he said, “where do you want to go?”
Marie buckled up her helmet and picked up the dog. “I don’t know,” she said. “Where do you want to go?”
“Wherever you want to go,” he said.
“Well,” she said, “I wouldn’t mind going to …” She stopped. “I’m being selfish. Where do you want to go?”
“Wherever you want to go.”
“Well,” she said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Florence.”
“All right,” he said.
He looked up at the sky. It was a good night for flying.
A Million Dollars’ Worth of Amphetamines
1.
When Carlos was arrested the rock’n’roll band fled immediately. In the confusion of the moment they left many valuable things behind them that would later be confiscated by due legal process, by Carlos’s lawyers: cars, paintings, houses — most, in fact, of the vast material wealth they had accumulated.
The connection between Carlos and the band was not well known, although later, of course, it was public knowledge that he had not only managed their business affairs to his own advantage, but thoughtfully supplied them with heroin and cocaine, thus assuring himself of a huge potential income in blackmail if the need should ever arise.