Chapter 5
And Things Had Started Out So Well. . .
I stirred in my bed and sighed as the rustle of the sheets brought me slightly to consciousness. I instinctively knew it was dark, still in the middle of the night, and didn't bother with opening my eyes. As I moved my legs under the covers, I collided with another pair of legs. Confused, I reached out with my hand and indeed felt another pair of long, bare, shapely legs. Even more confused, I followed those legs up to a very firm backside. My hand slipped over what could only be my favorite pair of silky bikini panties.
I smiled at the remembered cut of them, the way they'd looked against ivory flesh, the light pink color with one giant, red heart in the back and the word 'love' in red script across the front. My fingers ran around to the front and I felt where the different fabric of the word stood out against the silk. A soft feminine sigh met my searching hand and I adjusted my body to feel more of the body lying next to me. My hands ran up a bare stomach and my body responded instantly. I felt the quick inhales and exhales as my hand ran up that naked skin. I felt the light breath on my face and heard a soft moan in my ear. I bit my lip and continued on up, hoping to find what I knew was typically paired with that sexy underwear. My fingers ran over the fabric covering a breast. I traced two letters on one side of the bra 'L' and 'O', then my hand moved over to feel the other silky cup. Sure enough - 'V' and 'E'.
I pressed my incredibly ready body right up against the figure beside me. I was rewarded with lean legs tangling over mine and a warm hand on my lower back pulling me in tight. I groaned as our lower halves connected. My hands continued on up from that amazingly sexy bra to a slender neck; I could feel the heartbeat raging in the veins as I brought my lips to them. The familiar scent of perfume mixed with peach body wash filled me. My hands went up even farther to tangle in long silky hair and a low moan escaped soft lips as my tongue found a sensitive spot in the crook of the neck, a spot I knew very well.
Small hands came up my back, under my t-shirt, and clutched at my bare skin as our bodies shifted and moved together, teasing each other, satisfying each other. My lips moved up that fragrant neck and not able to take it anymore, I hungrily found an equally eager mouth in the darkness. I groaned and pressed against the length of the nearly naked body beside me as my tongue felt for and found its match. My midnight companion returned both of my actions readily and let a loud moan escape into the still air.
"Quiet, Lil, you'll wake my mom," I muttered between our lips.
"Sorry, Luc. . . that just feels amazing," she breathily muttered back.
I smiled and rolled her over to her back, pressing my hard body more firmly into hers. I knew exactly what felt amazing to her, and this was something we'd done on several occasions. In fact, we'd done this very thing a couple nights before the accident, when I'd been awoken from a deep sleep to find that Lillian had nearly undressed and slid into bed with me. Oh, wait. . . we'd done this exact thing, even right down to the underwear. I breathily pulled back from her lips.
"I'm dreaming again. . . aren't I?" I finally opened my eyes and looked at the vision of a blonde goddess, biting her lip and writhing beneath me as our bodies pressed together intimately.
Her hands reached up to tangle in my hair as she pulled me in for a kiss that left me aching. "Yes. . . god, yes," she muttered. I had no idea if she was answering my question or being. . . satisfied. With the look on her face when she said that, I really didn't care. My dream of her weeks ago paled in comparison with this one and even though I knew waking from this would sort of kill me, I eagerly returned her deep kiss and decided I'd deal with that pain if I got to feel this again.
Her hands reached down to pull off my shirt and I let her, helping out where I could. There was an eagerness in our desire to be as naked as we could with each other and I found the lounge pants I'd slept in quickly beside the bed with my shirt. Our bodies met and hungered for each other as small gasps and groans filled the air. She shushed me and on occasion, more than a few actually, I shushed her.
We'd done all of this before. Lil had a habit of sneaking out of her bed and into mine. It was a habit I greatly enjoyed. She'd appeared in next to nothing a few times and had driven me nearly to madness several times too, but we'd never gone all the way. While we'd both said we weren't ready for that, during moments like these, I think it was only the fact that my mom was down the hall and we were afraid we'd wake her, that had stopped those intimate sessions from being our first time together, our first time ever.
Not that we hadn't experimented. Not that we hadn't brought each other to release. We'd just never technically "had sex". As our bodies more frantically rubbed together, and I realized none of this was even real, I began to wonder why we couldn't now. We wouldn't wake my mom up in a dream. . . and it felt so real. . .
My hands slid down her smooth skin to her underwear and I started slipping them off. Her hands quickly found mine and stopped me. "No," she breathed. "I'm not ready for that. " Her legs wrapped more firmly around mine and she pulled our hips together. "Just like this, we can come together, just like this. I'll be quiet. . . promise. "
I groaned quietly as I realized that I was pretty close to coming already. "I want more, Lil. I want all of you. "
She kissed me softly and sped up her hips, maybe hoping to speed up the finale so I couldn't convince her otherwise. "Not yet, Luc. . . soon, but not yet. "
My mind shifted back to a similar conversation that I'd had with the real Lillian. "Why not? We're so close, Lil. I'm so ready for you. I want to please you like that. Don't you want that?"
Her back arched and her head fell back. "Oh, yes. . . god, yes. " I moved to pull down her underwear. . . but I was too late. With a muffled cry into my shoulder she hit her peak. Seeing that, hearing that, knowing that I did that to her, well, damn if I didn't hit mine too. I gave up on her underwear and slumped over her body, groaning deep as I rode out the sensation with her.
Breathless, I pulled back to look at her. I stroked her hair back from her face and kissed her softly. "God, Lil, that was. . . but. . . we could have. . . "
She bit her lip and shook her head. "I'm not ready, Lucas. "
Now I shook my head. "But this is my dream. You're still not ready, even in my dream?"
"I know, Luc, I'm sorry. At least I can give you this. " She slung her hands around my neck as I rolled off to her side. She frowned as she looked me over. "You shouldn't be dreaming of me, Luc, especially like this. This won't help you move past me. "
I blinked at her, confused. "Why would I want to move past you?" I kissed her nose. "I like being with you. This is better than anything that's happening to me in the real world. If I could never wake up. . . I'd be so happy. "
She immediately pulled away from me. "Don't say that. " She pushed me away from her and confused, I attempted to pull her back in towards me. Nimbly, she slipped away and stood up at the side of the bed. "Don't ever say that again. " She put her hands on her hips in a way that was supposed to be threatening, but really, was just endearing. "Or I won't come back. " She raised her chin defiantly and a soft chuckle escaped me.
She narrowed her pale eyes at me until I conceded. "Fine. I hope I wake up soon and join the ranks of brooding teenagers worldwide. "
She smiled and then immediately frowned. "Oh. . . sorry. Goodbye, Lucas. "
"Goodbye? What do you-"
A sharp, high pitched buzzing in my ear woke me from my dream and shattered my conversation with Lillian. I slammed a hand down on the stupid alarm clock and looked over to where Lil had been cutely standing with her hands on her hips. Instead of the pitch black of night, a pale morning light lit my room. . . that was completely empty.
I hadn't expected to have a dream like that about her. Grief welled in me but after a long moment, I managed to push it back. No, that had been nice, more than nice, and I wasn't going to grieve over a nice memory. Besides, it had felt so real. . . maybe I'd
found a way to be with her again. God, that sounded insane. But still, it felt so real. I'd felt her body again. I'd heard her moans again. I'd watched her come under me. I'd. . . Oh, damn it.
I carefully felt around myself and, sure enough, some things that happen in dreams also happen in real life. I sighed irritably and got up to take a shower. Oh well, it was still a pleasant dream and I wasn't about to cry over it. Even still, I did let loose a couple tears in the shower.
After cleaning and dressing, I shuffled out to the kitchen for a cup of coffee with Mom. As per our usual routine, she asked me general questions of how things were going. I gave her general responses of things were going fine.
School had been in session for a few weeks now and while the student body hadn't exactly warmed up to me, I had become less of an object of interest and more of a forgotten relic in the back row. That suited me fine. If they were ignoring me, they wouldn't talk to me. And if they weren't talking to me, they wouldn't ask me painful questions that I didn't want to answer. Questions that I'd endured too often in that first week of school, when more of the kids like Eliza and Gabriela had become braver and flat out asked me if I (A) remembered anything and (B) was drunk. I always said no to both and hoped they dropped it.
Eventually they did and I faded into the back of their consciousness. Everyone's except Josh and Will's that is. Those two still picked on me relentlessly. Will took every opportunity to make me look like an idiot, questioning the class loudly about my actions or even trying to cause me physical harm with more "accidents". It was annoying, but I did my best to ignore it, hoping he would eventually bore of his game and give up.
Josh. . . he was still determined to kick my ass, but never seemed to have a free moment to do it. Being new to the football team this year probably helped with keeping him occupied. It also helped that his girlfriend caught him with his hands all over some cheerleader's ass after practice one day. I'd heard that the fight was a blowout and would have made any fight between us seem civil in comparison. While I had nothing against Josh's girlfriend (she ignored me for the most part, that is, when she wasn't pulling Josh away from me), I was glad for Josh's meandering hands. Better him groping some cheerleader's backside, than permanently damaging our friendship - if it wasn't already.
Mom and I sipped our coffees in silence, facing each other at the tiny table in our tiny kitchen. Her work hadn't let up any and she still looked tired and haggard. I suppose a good chunk of that was her still worrying about me, about how I was reintegrating with society. I wanted to assure her that everything was fine, so I tried to slap on a genuine smile around her. She didn't seem to buy it, but at the same time didn't argue with it, giving me my space to grieve. And I still was.
My visions of my friends weren't leaving me. I remembered conversations with them around every corner of school. I remembered tackling Darren on the front lawn, a rousing snowball fight with Sammy, when a soft spattering on the ground had greeted us as we exited a class last year, and. . . I remembered Lil. I sighed into my coffee cup as I set it down on the table. Eventually, I'd started adding her memories to the mix. Hers hurt the most, of course, and they'd been the most insistent to pop up. Giving in, I'd swallowed back the painful lump and let my memory of her wash over me. Tears had stung my eyes the first few times it happened and Sawyer's calming hand on my arm would snap me out of whatever vision I'd been lost in.
But over time, the memories didn't cause me as much pain and visions of us together filtered through my day: leaning against the wall with her in my arms while we watched kids go by in the hall, chucking gummy bears at each other as we studied in the library, her teasing me with those tiny, tight shorts when I'd come watch her finish up practice after my own was over with, her breath, her smell, her laugh, her eyes, her love. . . a love never spoken out loud, but evident in every move she made around me.
But the most intense memories were in dream form and this morning was definitely the most intense of all of them. It was in dreams when she almost seemed alive again. If I was having a good one, we'd spend it talking and laughing. . . and kissing. Last night was a very good one. As strange as it sounds, I was starting to live for those moments when I was asleep.
Deep in thought, I turned my coffee cup in my hands. A short honk broke the silence and I startled and looked out the window. Sawyer's Camaro was idling in the drive, just like it was every morning when she came to pick me up. I stood up and grabbed my bag after giving my mom a kiss on the head. She stood as well and walked with me to the door.
"Have a good day, Lucas. " She smiled warmly, as her eyes drifted over my features.
I paused, letting her soak me in, a momentary sadness filling me that she still felt the need to do that every time we parted ways. "You too, Mom. " I gave her a brief hug and opened the door to meet Sawyer.
"She could come in sometime," my mom said as I walked out the door. She peered her head outside and waved at Sawyer's form in the car. Sawyer waved back. "I don't bite," she finished.
I laughed and looked back at her. "I know, Mom. We're just. . . running late. Another time, okay?"
She nodded and leaned in to kiss my cheek. I let her and then walked over to Sawyer's car and climbed inside. Sawyer's jet black hair was pulled back into a neat ponytail and my name across her back stood out clearly. I tried not to worry about that. The school had most definitely associated her with me now, since we were rarely apart, and if they picked on her for it, well, she never let me see more than the occasional frown and a quick swipe of an eye.
Her pale eyes looked past me, to my mom still watching from the door. She put the car in reverse and quietly said, "Your mom seems really nice. "
I leaned back in the now familiar bucket seat and looked over at her. "She is. You should meet her sometime. "
She backed into the road and shifted her car into drive. "Umm. . . sure. Maybe. . . sometime. " She bit her lip. "Parents. . . make me nervous. " She looked over at the smirk on my face and giggled, her ponytail bouncing with her laugh.
I shook my head and smiled at her. She'd resisted coming over to my house after school, even though I asked her nearly every day. She always said her parents wanted her home right away, after our "purity club" meetings, but I often wondered if she just didn't want to come over, and was using that as her excuse. When she picked me up in the morning, she always honked once for me, but never came in. My mom wondered about that too and I tried to give her plausible explanations. . . which were almost always 'we're running late'. I'm sure my mom knew we had plenty of time for the relatively short drive, but she didn't question my answer. She rarely did.
I turned my head to watch the town go by while Sawyer turned the music up. I wasn't sure what Sawyer was so reluctant about, but I didn't press her on it. If she really wanted to come over, she would. And aside from the weekends, which pretty much consisted of me becoming one with my couch, we did spend a lot of time together, at school and after.
We'd both stuck with the club; her, because her parents demanded it, for some reason, and me, because I liked spending time with her. There were meetings three times a week that usually turned into "troubled teen" group therapy sessions. Sawyer and I usually tuned them out as we whispered away in the corner of the room, much to Ms. Reynolds's annoyance. Outside of those meetings, the club met twice a week at "events". These were usually practices for one of the many sports teams, where the teachers seemed to think the problems stemmed from. Unfortunately, these events brought me in close proximity with people who didn't much care for me, i. e. Josh, Randy, Will and the rest of the football team. I hid on the back row of the bleachers with Sawyer, while the rest of the club members walked up and down the field, trying in vain to recruit more members.
I shook my head at the memory of Josh glaring at me during the last event that happened to be his practice session. He'd stared at me the entire time, like I'd amassed this group of people personally, just to bug him. If Coach hadn't been
there, eyeing me with almost as much interest as Josh, since he still hadn't managed to corner me into that "talk" he'd wanted, I'm sure Josh would have tried to start something.
Sawyer noticed me shaking my head in the car. "You alright?" She seemed to ask me some form of this question nearly every day.
I smiled and looked back over at her. "Yeah, I'm good. "
The only reason I put up with all of it, was to hang out more with her. Our little purity club gave me an extra hour and a half with her and that was one more hour and a half that I didn't have to spend alone. She brought me so much comfort. I only wished I could return the favor.
She looked over at me with a furrowed brow. "Are you sure? Did you have a bad dream again?" She said that last part quietly and I cringed internally.
She had picked me up once when I'd awoken late from a particularly bad dream, no, nightmare was a more appropriate description. I'd still been a crying, blubbery mess when I'd shuffled out to her car. Mom had wanted to pull me that day, but I'd wanted to be with Sawyer, so I sucked it up and went to school. I'd only been able to tell her that I'd had a bad dream. Sawyer hadn't asked for any more details. She didn't need them. She knew that any dream I had that brought me to my knees, could only be about one thing - and she didn't need an explanation of that.
I shook my head at her question. "No, I had a pretty good dream. " I flushed as I said that, remembering my steamy fantasy. Sawyer looked at me curiously but thankfully didn't ask for any explanations on that either.
"Good. I'd rather your dreams were nice. You should get a release somewhere. "
I bit my lip and looked out the window as my blush deepened. Luckily, Sawyer was looking back out the windshield and didn't notice. God, nice choice of words. I sighed softly, running through this morning again. That had been one real feeling dream. If separating from the dream hadn't been painful, even though I tried to make it not be that way, I'd damn near say that dream had been. . . amazing. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the seat, reliving that moment. . . reliving Lil.
"Luc?"
Sawyer's voice startled me and I lifted my head to look around the school parking lot. I looked over to where her pale eyes were studying me; her head cocked slightly, like she was wondering if I'd left my body for awhile. I wondered how long we'd been sitting here while I'd been reminiscing over being with Lillian again. My body had felt warm and safe in that dream. I shuddered a bit as the chill of the quiet car hit me and I wished I could crawl right back into that warm dream.
"Sorry. . . spacing out. " She looked about ready to ask if I was okay again and I interrupted her by cracking open my door and saying, "Ready?"
She nodded and cracked her door as well. We both exited and made our way across campus to the main building for first period English. We still brought stares as people watched us, but no one said anything or did anything to bother us. We were noticed, almost distastefully, and then disregarded. I was relieved for that, but as I looked down on Sawyer, I wondered if things would be better for her if she distanced herself from me too. Maybe she'd have more of a social life here if she wasn't always hanging around the pariah.
She looked back up at me and smiled warmly, seeming to not care in the least at the student body's reaction, not if she got to walk with me. That's what I liked to think that she thought anyway. Forgetting that I shouldn't, for her sake, I slung my arm over her shoulder and pulled her tight to me as we walked. This morning had started pretty wonderfully and maybe I could relax today and let the rest of it be. . . well, not sucky would be an improvement. Sawyer stiffened under my almost intimate move, but then relaxed and slung her arm around my waist. Warmth seeped into me that strangely reminded me of my dream. Before I could analyze it further though, I noticed Josh and Will. I couldn't help but notice them. . . they were blocking our path.
I stopped us and took a step in front of Sawyer, breaking our contact. Whatever these guys wanted, it had nothing to do with her and I wouldn't let them hurt her. I may have no desire to fight them, but I would if it meant protecting her. Josh looked over my shoulder at Sawyer and made a disgusted face. I bristled at the look and struggled to keep my anger in check. I didn't need to be the one starting something. I needed to get through this year in peace, with nothing too damaging on my record.
"What do you want, Josh?" My eyes flicked over to Will, wondering what role he'd play in all this. He crossed his arms over his chest and smirked at me, but said nothing.
A small circle of students started to form around us, feeling the tension building in the air and silently I cursed. If Josh hadn't planned on fighting me before, he might if he had an audience. But he wouldn't want to get kicked off the football team and Coach had a strict policy on fighting. If he punched first. . . he was out. I straightened from where I'd unknowingly been crouching in anticipation. He wasn't going to attack me, not like this anyway. He couldn't afford to.
He sniffed and frowned as he seemed to realize this too. Then a devilish smile lit his face with a dark glow. I swallowed under that look, wondering what it meant. "Have a good day at school, Lucas. " His brows rose meaningfully as his voice darkened to match his eyes. "You deserve it. "
Then he turned and brushed past, bumping my shoulder harshly and jostling me back a step into Sawyer. I risked a quick glance at her and she looked about ready to go off on Josh, if not outright assault him. I didn't want her getting into trouble for me and quickly shook my head at her when our eyes met. She understood and bit her lip to remain quiet, her arms crossing over her chest defiantly.
I looked back to see Will uncrossing his arms and straightening in his stance in front of me. He stood there with a crooked grin as he watched me. He didn't make any threatening move towards Sawyer or me, just continued to stand there. Feeling uneasy but wanting to leave, I carefully walked around him.
I should have expected it, I really should have. I did know he had the maturity level of a Kindergartner, but I'd truthfully been more concerned over the dark expression on Josh's face - that had definitely meant something - and I didn't notice Will's foot. I didn't catch it rapidly snaking out to catch mine and he did have fast feet. That made him a good replacement for me on the football field. Unfortunately, it was also my downfall this morning. . . literally.
I caught the edge of his toes with mine and stumbled. He raised his foot higher and I felt myself losing balance. Before I lost it completely, a shoulder went under my arm and a hand steadied my chest. I fumbled a bit, but managed to not fall. My face heated anyway as the small circle still loitering, hoping for a fight, found my near trip-up hilarious.
Sawyer did not. After completely steadying me, she dropped her bag at my feet and shoved both hands into a laughing Will's chest. "Grow up you son of a bitch!"
He started at the unexpected outburst and then his face clouded in anger. He stepped into her attack and leered down at her. "Oh, the juvy whore has a voice. " He looked like he wanted to shove her back, but didn't go so far as to start something with a girl. Instead, he held her wrists down and looked over her wildly thrashing body to me, standing dazed behind her. "Getting your slut to fight your battles for you, Luc?" He rocked his hips towards her suggestively. "Maybe I should tap this too. She's kind of hot, in a fiery, bitchy sort of way. " He looked back at her with a leer while the students around laughed even harder. Seriously, where was a teacher when you needed one?
My face heated more, but in anger this time. I took a step towards Will, already bringing my arm back for the strike I was committed to. I'd get in trouble to protect her. Sawyer didn't need me to though. She managed to wrench an arm free and flat out decked him. No girly slap across the face, she clenched her hand into a tight fist and socked him right in the jaw.
He released her, stepping back in shock and bringing a hand up to rub his injury. His eyes held pure fury now. Sawyer took a step away from him, massaging her hand. I took advantage of the space between them and stepped up to Will,
shoving him farther back from Sawyer with both of my hands against his chest.
"Gonna hit a girl now, Will? Is that where you're going? Coach would love that. . . wonder how long you'll stay quarterback. " Will paled as my words registered with him, and suddenly realizing that fighting Sawyer, or me, was not in his best interest, he spat at my feet and turned, trudging his way to the main building.
I sighed softly as I watched him leave. We'd just be seeing him again in a few minutes; one of the major drawbacks of attending a small school. So much for my not sucky day. Well, maybe the worst was over with. Sawyer came up behind me and put a hand on my arm. The crowd around us began to disperse as people started to realize that no one, meaning me, was going to get knocked to the ground.
I looked over at Sawyer and her hand that had to be aching. I pointed at it. "Are you okay? Want to stop by the nurses' station?"
"No, I'm fine. " She smiled impishly. "It's not my first time hitting an asshole. "
I raised an eyebrow at that and she laughed a little at my look. She nodded towards the front doors and with another sigh, I nodded and reached down to grab her bag for her. Then we both continued on to first period English. We got some looks as we headed down the hall but we ignored them; we were used to looks. True, the kids were slightly more interested in us now than they had been of late, thanks to Josh and Will's testosterone display outside, but if Sawyer and I were getting good at anything, it was tuning the world out.
Trudging up the stairs, I noticed her still rubbing her hand. "Are you sure you're alright," I asked, as I reached over and grabbed her hand, taking over the massage.
She looked up at me and then down at our hands for a long moment before she answered. "Sure, it feels better already. " She looked back up at me and grinned. "Totally worth it. "
I grinned back and gave her a brief hug around the shoulders, releasing her hand. "Well, thank you for your valiant attempt to defend my honor. " I smirked when I said that, momentarily remembering a dream version of Lil threatening to beat up Josh. Lil would probably love Sawyer for clocking Will.
Coming to the top of the steps, Sawyer stopped and looked over my face. Perhaps misinterpreting my expression, she frowned softly. "I just cost you cool points, didn't I?"
I laughed. "You think I still have cool points? I'm pretty sure I lost all of those when I kill. . . " I closed my mouth and bit my lip. When I killed all my friends, their friends.
Sawyer's eyes widened as what I hadn't finished saying registered with her. She started shaking her head and had an expression of 'don't talk like that' clearly written on her face. Before the after school special could begin, I grabbed her hand and led her to English. She didn't like it when I said stuff like that. . . truth was hard, but, I didn't need a lecture this morning. I'd be getting enough of those by the teachers.
Not resisting my pull to class, and still having an 'I want to talk to you' look on her face, Sawyer and I entered the room together, hand in hand.
Several sets of eyes tracked the intimate movement, a move around here generally reserved for boyfriend/girlfriend behavior. But we weren't, it was different with us. I didn't want to care what the students here thought, hell, I was pretty sure they all thought we were sleeping together anyway, but I did care about Sawyer getting picked on, so I dropped her hand and made a beeline to my seat, carefully avoiding a stormy looking Will.
I looked over at Sawyer as she sat in the back row with me; she studiously ignored me, studying her desk. I wasn't sure what that meant. Was she still thinking about things to say to me? I hoped not, I didn't need a lesson on cheeriness. She usually didn't try to offer me any either. She just seemed to instinctually know when to press and when to back off, when to ask me questions and when to walk away. But right now, she did look like something was troubling her.
Ms. Reynolds started class, giving us details on a pep rally today after last period. All classes were going to be fifteen minutes shorter so we could all gather together in the gym to celebrate the "can't miss" football game of the season against our school rivals (meaning they happen to be the closest school next to us and had been deemed "the enemy").
I tried to ignore Ms. Reynolds's speech about how great the game will be and how school spirit can make you feel like a part of something bigger. I had been a part of something bigger, and a part of me still missed that. I missed the games and the camaraderie of the team. I missed Darren sitting beside me on the bench, waiting for our turn on the field so he could score the winning touchdown. Well, that's how he always thought the game was going to end.
Focusing back to the present, I twisted in my seat to face Sawyer. She heard my movement and looked over. 'What's up?' I mouthed to her. She shook her head and I frowned.
She looked down real quick and then back up at me. 'Nothing', she mouthed. I frowned harder and crossed my arms and she sighed. She held out her palm and I glanced at it and back to her, cocking my head, confused. She sighed softly again while Ms. Reynolds prattled on about school pride and the joy of experiencing it "substance free".
'You dropped it', she mouthed, as she pointed to her hand.
I was hopelessly confused until I realized what she meant. I'd dropped her hand as the students had been staring at us. I suppose that could have looked like rejection to her. . . especially if she thought we were more than just close friends. Damn, I really didn't want to have that awkward conversation, but I really couldn't let her go on thinking anything was between us; nothing more than a close, almost familial bond that I couldn't bear to have taken from me. I loved her. . . just not like that. My heart was still Lil's.
I started to speak, breaking our silent speech so I could break her heart, if she had fallen for me. She beat me to it however. "Are you. . . mad at me?" she whispered. "Did I do something wrong?"
I cocked my head, confused again at the shift in the way the conversation was going. I'd hurt her feelings, made her think I was angry? I immediately shook my head once I realized where hers was at. "No. " With only my eyes, I indicated the room. "Everyone was staring at us, at you. " I shook my head. "I didn't want them looking at you like that, whispering about you, about us. "
She laughed quietly and her entire face relaxed as she realized I had no bad feelings toward her. "Luc, they already talk about us. " She shrugged her shoulders like it didn't matter. "I've already been pregnant, had a miscarriage and begged you to marry me. " She leaned in while my eyes widened; I'd assumed we'd been linked sexually, but I hadn't actually heard the rumors. Only the ones about my lack of sobriety seemed to make it to me. Maybe I was just starting to tune out ones that didn't revolve solely around me. Wow, how narcissistic.
Sawyer continued when I leaned over to her, "From what I hear, Mr. Varner caught us full on having sex in the first floor men's room after school one afternoon. " She giggled a little while my mouth dropped; these rumors were much more sordid than I'd imagined they'd be. "Of course, then the rumors say he joined us. "
I laughed out loud to that and got a firm reprimand from Ms. Reynolds while Sawyer chuckled softly beside me. Muttering an apology to the teacher, I glanced over at where Sawyer was still laughing. She met my eye and the genuine happiness in her pale, gray ones lifted my spirits back up. This morning didn't matter, because here was one human being that looked at me, not only like I was worthwhile, but looked at me like I was the most worthwhile person in the school.
As we went about our English class, I thought over the rumors circulating about us and wondered what I could do about them. It didn't seem to bother Sawyer in the slightest, but I really didn't want her to suffer here because of me. . . and the nature of the rumors. I caught Sawyer glancing up at me a few times during class and thought her expression was close to one Lil used to give me, almost dreamy. Maybe we'd have to have that awkward conversation after all.
As we parted ways for the next class, I started to wonder how to bring it up to her. Maybe I should talk to my mom fi
rst. She'd been a looker in her youth, and had probably had to swat more than one suitor away. Not that I was a looker. . . although, before Lillian, I'd had my share of girls with crushes. There was this one girl who used to hang out by my locker every day. It used to make Darren laugh really hard, and he'd always teased me to kiss her. He seemed to think that would make her faint and he'd really wanted to see that. Sammy had smacked him roughly when she'd eventually heard him say that and calmly walked right up to the girl. She'd said a few sentences to her and the girl had nodded and walked off, never to haunt my locker again. I still to this day, have no idea what Sammy said to her. I could use a little of Sammy's magic now.
But Sawyer didn't strike me as one of those types, one to crush on a boy simply because he was attractive. Maybe I was wrong about the occasional feeling I got from her. I'd never been friends with a girl before. I mean, Sammy and I were friends, but I'd been friends with Darren first and she and I's friendship had been born out of their attraction to each other, and the fact that Darren had hardly gone anywhere without her. Not liking Sammy had just never been an option, not if I wanted to stay friends with Darren. But I had genuinely liked her, everyone did. She was my only real experience with girl friendships. Maybe I was just reading too much into it. Maybe I was starting to let the rumors warp the way I imagined she felt about me. Wow, there's that narcissism again. I'll have to work on that.
By the time I met up with Sawyer again, I'd gotten over myself, and any weirdness between us was completely gone. We were just the normal, friend-only couple that we always were. And I was happy. My happiness stayed with me all the way through Mr. Varner's class, even surviving a blushing incident when I caught a couple girls staring at the teacher and then back at Sawyer and me. Now that I knew what their smirk meant, I'd blushed furiously and studied my desk for a good twenty minutes, probably confirming their suspicions. Sawyer chuckled beside me, apparently catching the whole exchange.
My good feelings stayed with me all through Philosophy, and Math and lunch in Sawyer's car. It stayed with me right up until the point where I had a class with Josh. Then it sort of faded from me. Well, faded is too relaxed of a word. It was forcefully crashed out of me by Josh forcefully slamming into me.
When I'd walked into Astronomy, the teacher, Mr. Thomson, had been absent, running late to class, or off on some quick errand. Either way, he'd left this particular group of students alone. I should have immediately noticed something was wrong by the multiple sets of eyes watching me through the windows as I walked up to the door. That should have registered something with me, but I was so used to people eyeing me, that it didn't even faze me.
What happened next did.
I opened the door like normal and it shut behind me like normal. That was when normalcy stopped. I'd walked a few feet into the room when a "hut-hut" was sounded down one of the aisles. I turned my head to register Randy making the sound, a wicked grin on his face. I wasn't sure why until I was hit full force in the chest, landing heavily on the cold tile of the floor. The wind was knocked out of me and my head slammed back painfully, with a crack that surely the person in the last row heard. My hazy vision picked out the form of Josh sneering at me on my chest, pressing down with all his weight so I still couldn't inhale. I couldn't breathe and my sight was shifting from hazy to gray to black around the edges. I was going to pass out.
With a pained grunt, I shoved at Josh as hard as I could. I was weak and hurting from the sudden attack, but Josh was smaller than me and I was starting to panic from lack of air. Eventually, I did get him pushed off and that sweet oxygen filled my lungs almost painfully. My vision returned slowly. . . along with my hearing. Instead of the sound of blood whooshing through my ears and throbbing in my head, I heard laughter, what sounded like the entire room laughing.
Josh was standing in front of me, bent over from laughing so hard and I carefully looked around. I noticed most, but not all, were laughing along with him. I rubbed my head and sat up, trying to steady my breath. Panicked voices started from the back and filtered up to me. People started shifting and sitting in the seats, still struggling with giggles. I started to stand when Josh walked over and shoved me back down before heading to his seat. My dazed body couldn't respond fast enough to stop him and I sat back down heavily.
"Fuck you, Josh," I said harshly. . . right as the teacher entered the room.
"Lucas West! Watch your language or you'll go straight to detention! And get off the floor. " Mr. Thomson looked annoyed, for quite possibly the first time I'd ever seen and I, as hastily as I could, stood up and grabbed my bag from where it had fallen from my shoulder and crashed to the ground, some of its contents spilling out to the floor.
I gingerly made my way to my seat, wondering what part of my body hurt worse, my head or my hip. My ego wasn't a problem anymore; it remained firmly attached to the cold, tile floor. Not that I'd had much left to begin with, but still, the entire class laughing at me looking, once again, like a moron. . . well, it sucked. I kept my eyes firmly cast on my textbook all throughout the lecture while the occasional bout of giggling popped up around the classroom. Great. How had I ever thought today was even a semi-happy day?
I waited in my seat until all of class shuffled out afterwards. Josh and Randy snickered as they left, Josh throwing me a devilish smile. I hoped whatever he'd felt I'd "deserved" had been accomplished, and he'd leave me alone for awhile. The teacher gave me a last reproachful look as I left his room, muttering an apology for my earlier outburst. With no one staying behind to further torment me, I made my way to art class in peace.
We'd finished our "feels like home" projects awhile ago and I'd turned in a nice portrait of Sawyer that had actually earned me an A. Last year, I'd planned on art being an easy, goofing off together class for Darren, Sammy, Lil and me, but I found that I actually had a skill in it. Mrs. Solheim praised whatever piece I turned in, offering a few suggestions and helpful comments, although she still, more often than not, called me Tom. I even found myself responding to the name on more than a few occasions.
Currently, we were working on abstract art, and I found myself working in varying shades of gray that highly complimented Sawyer's eyes. I usually painted or drew something that reminded me of her; it made the class more enjoyable for me than trying to channel my artistic feelings toward my long gone friends. Sawyer was peace. Sawyer was comfort. And I hoped against all hope that when I saw Sawyer after class, she'd have something to help with the splitting headache that Josh had given me when he smacked my skull into the floor.
Mrs. Solheim walked around the class while other students diligently worked on their projects, offering tips for emphasizing the style. She passed by me and patted my shoulder, muttering, "Good work, Tom," and I smiled and bit back a chuckle as she continued walking through the room.
Halfway through the class, I felt like dying. A tender spot on the back of my head was throbbing, and every pulse of blood made my forehead feel like it was trying to expand outwards. . . and failing. I was sure something inside of me was broken.
Biting my lip and stopping myself from asking for a pass to see the nurse, I somehow made it through the rest of that class. I shuffled out, rubbing my temples, and came upon Sawyer outside of the building, waiting for me. Her jet black hair was still in a sleek ponytail and she had her hands shoved in my letterman's jacket pockets. She was looking back at the choir room, chewing a piece of gum and watching Brittany leave the class with a handful of fawning girls, most of them in their cheerleader outfits for the pep rally.
I walked up beside her and glumly said, "Hey". She startled from whatever she was thinking about and looked over at my cringing face.
"God, you look like shit. What happened?" Her brows scrunched as she searched for some external injury.
I sighed and squeezed the bridge of my nose, hoping to somehow stop the pounding. "Oh, I just had a run-in. . . with the floor. "
"The floor? Huh?"
/> I dropped my hand from my nose and adjusted the strap of my backpack on my shoulder. "It was nothing, just Josh proving that he's big man on campus now. . . and he hates my guts. " I shook my head angrily, which caused pain to slice all the way down my shoulders. "Nothing I didn't already know. "
Her mouth dropped as she gaped at me. "He finally attacked you? In class?" Her hands came to my head, feeling around for bumps. I sucked in a breath when she found the tender spot on the back.
I gently removed her hands. "It's fine. He just, sort of tackled me and I smacked my head. I'm fine, really. It was more embarrassing than anything, him catching me off guard like that. "
Her jaw set in anger and for a moment I worried that she was going to try and find Josh, to get even or something. "That little prick!" Then her face relaxed as she looked over me again. "We should get you to the nurse, you could have a concussion. "
I laughed softly and she twisted her lips at me. "I don't think he hit me that hard. I could use some Advil or something. I have a raging headache. "
Her face brightened. "Oh, I have Aspirin. "
She dug through her bag while I reached back in mine and grabbed the half empty water bottle from my lunch. She found a little white container and opening it, dug out a couple. I popped them without looking and swigged my water. "Thanks," I muttered after polishing off the rest of my water. My body hoped the damn things kicked in soon.
"Sure. " She looked over me again, almost looking like my mom for a moment, and then she grabbed my elbow and pulled me toward the gym. I looked at her weird and she sighed, then explained. "The purity club is promoting safety at the rally. We're all supposed to be there, encouraging kids to join in the 'clean' fun. " She twisted her lips and looked glum as she pulled me towards the rally.
"And why aren't we just skipping it?" I asked, equally as glum.
"Because my parents found out about it and think it's a great idea. " She looked at me dryly. "They told Ms. Reynolds to call if I ditched. " She rolled her eyes. "Apparently, she agreed. "
Now I rolled my eyes, but followed her. If she had to sit through hell, I'd sit with her. We entered the gym and I took in the familiarity of it with a pang. I hadn't been in here yet this year. I clearly saw a remembered version of Darren and Sammy and Lil goofing off on one of the bleachers that lined the lacquered floor. Darren was standing on the floor in front of them, proudly wearing his football jersey, cupping his hands and shouting at the cheerleaders to flip their skirts up. Sammy, sitting on the bleacher behind him, smacked his ass, laughing at his display, and rolling her eyes at Lillian, who was laughing beside her and waving across the gym to where I'd been about to walk over to them in my memory.
"Luc?" I looked over at Sawyer watching me. "Are you okay? Does your head feel better?"
I smiled lazily and nodded. Actually, my headache was receding. Actually, I was starting to feel really nice, almost light and airy. I smiled wider and put my hand on her shoulder. She nodded back at me and we started walking down the line of bleachers to the end. I heard several derogatory shouts being made at me, both coming from the stands and the floor, where the team was gathering for the event, but I ignored them. I felt nice and I was going to hold on to that feeling for as long as I could.
There were enough teachers and staff around that we made it to the far side of the gym without being accosted. We waved at Ms. Reynolds as we passed her, so she'd know we were here, then we snuck past the other purity club members and ducked into the slim space between the last section of bleachers and the wall. Once there, we slumped against the wall to sit on the floor. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, waiting for the swelling of school spirit to be over with.
Resting like that, my head started to swim and I felt a little dizzy as the music of the band piped up and was answered with a resounding roar from the student body. The students on the bleachers directly across from where we were sitting on the floor starting hollering and stomping their feet; the pep rally had begun. I suddenly didn't care that we were here. . . here was nice. As the sounds of someone on a microphone introducing members of the team filled my ears, I reached over and grabbed Sawyer's hand.
I smiled as my head drifted into a pleasant fog. . . here was very nice.