Joss would give a tweet or two on his whistle and Meg would be off at speed ...
‘Come by lass! Come by!’ Shouted Joss, and Meg would herd din dins for a while for fun. She would pen them if there was a pen, separate one from the flock maybe ... before pouncing and having her fill (it’s hard to take the sheep dog out of a Raptor Collie). All in all, fresh tourist meat is healthier than the Butcher’s Reject tinned crap (unless maybe if one of them is on Simvastatin or chemo?).
It doesn’t end there, you must be joking. The tourists these days have loads of electronic gear, posh phones, credit cards etc. There are Lake District farmers and shepherds who are very clever and can find the pin numbers in their secret labs, hidden in cellars or barns. Actually, all they really do is insert the card into the slot on the side of their snazzy TV sets and the TV then displays the pin on the screen (what used to be rustic is now e-Rustic). The farmers and shepherds got together with Lake District traders and worked out a way to make lots of money with all this great gear, which included high performance cars, snazzy watches, yachts, launches ... wallets filled with Queen’s head beer vouchers. It was wonderful, there were less tourists crapping the place up, but now the tourist industry was much more lucrative than it had ever been (if you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
But, all good things usually get gooder (‘come to an end is simply a silly belief) ... and getting gooder it is.
Tourists are beginning to go there because they don’t believe in Veloci-sheepdogs/Raptor Collies that eat tourists ... it must be ‘sheepshit’? Some of them want the scare of the chase.
Chavs want ‘prestige status symbol’ Rappies. The police want them for their work. Drug dealers want them to fight off the police with. It is probably a good job Shep on Blue Peter wasn’t one ...
John Noakes: “Well, hello Frances, thanks for bringing in Percy, your ‘on his back legs’tightrope walking poodle. Shep! Get down Shep! Oops! I’m very sorry Percy, Frances seemed like a good owner.”
A great upside? The Government are now getting even more tax from the Lake District. To balance out that great gift to our leaders, a tax free, secret HM Revenue upside for the shepherds and farmers was also created i.e. they can sell ex-tourist i Pads, phones etc., to the not yet ex tourists in pubs, providing they have wiped the blood off that is.
To provide these circular goods, the hiking shops will greatly promote fell walking and rambling and the TV will show it a lot as a very healthy holiday pastime ... and V-sheepdogs do need to eat remember; and the poor things do have voracious appetites.
The new English Lake District WELCOME TO sign showing a Raptor Collie and its weekly tourist kill-spots.