John came up beside her and put his hand on her shoulder. He hadn’t known Ashley was wrestling with this, but he was more proud of her than ever before. Help her find the words, Father … And if this is Erin’s time, help us give her what she needs to let go.
Ashley lowered the tissue. “I do love you, Erin. And … I’ve asked God to give me one more chance to prove it.” A few quiet sobs escaped while Ashley fought for control. “And so He has given me a way. It’s Amy Elizabeth.” Gradually the tears slowed and Ashley seemed to find another level of strength. “I want you to know, that I will not let her go back to that woman. Candy Burns will not have a single visit with your sweet Amy. Because …” She caught her breath a little more. “Landon and I are going to take care of her. Amy will be just fine, Erin. I promise you.”
John squeezed Ashley’s shoulder. This was exactly what Erin should know at this hour, that her little girl was going to be okay.
“We found your text … about the evidence you have on Candy. And we’re going to find that, too. Luke’s working on it.” She leaned closer and released Erin’s hand. She ran her hand along Erin’s hair, her cheek. “We’ll take care of her and love her like you have. Until we all come home to meet you.”
“We’ll all be together again, Erin.” John was at Ashley’s side again. He held his youngest daughter’s hand and felt the lifelessness of it. “I love you, honey.”
“I love you, Erin. I should’ve said it more.” Ashley bent close and kissed her sister’s cheek. “When I see you next time … we’ll have a lot to catch up on.”
Something was happening with the monitors. Erin was on life support, but the machines were set up to let her heart and lungs work on their own. It was one way to evaluate her actual condition. Now, almost as if she had been waiting to know Amy would be okay, a look of otherworldly peace seemed to fill Erin’s expression.
John straightened and looked from Erin’s face to the monitors and back again. “She’s going.” He looked back at one of the nurses who had just entered the room. “Please … get the others.”
“Yes, Dr. Baxter.” The woman hurried off.
Ashley sucked in a slow breath. “Dad … what’s happening?”
“Her heart’s giving up.” He brought Erin’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “It’s your time, baby girl. It’s okay. Go be with your mom. She’s waiting for you. Look for Sam, baby. Look for your girls. They’re there. Waiting for you.”
Ashley looked like she wasn’t sure if she should run from the room or stay. “Dad,” she leaned into him. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You can.” He was calm, his cheeks dry. “Picture your mother, Ashley. Picture Sam and Clarissa and Chloe and Heidi Jo. All of them looking for Erin and excited.” He felt the joy in his voice, the real joy. “She’s coming home. Nothing could be greater than that.”
Every Bible verse about life and death came together in John’s mind. To be absent with the body is to be present with the Lord … those who love the Lord will never taste death … death is swallowed up in victory … Jesus answered, I tell you the truth: Today you will be with Me in paradise … Whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life … If anyone keeps My word, he will never see death … Whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.
Do you believe this?
John could almost hear the Lord asking him the same question he asked his disciples more than two thousand years ago. Yes, Lord … yes, I believe.
The others were piling into the room now, and like John most of them were dry-eyed. The apostle Paul said it best. For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. How could they do anything but celebrate this moment? All of them would face it one day … in a fraction of an instant, in the midst of a lifetime it would be their turn.
But not everyone got to go home like this.
John reached out his hand and took hold of Ashley’s on one side and Kari’s on the other. In no time the group had formed a circle around Erin’s bed. John remembered the Bible verse from earlier and suddenly he knew what they needed to do. With a steady voice, steadier than he would’ve imagined for this moment, he slowly began to sing.
“Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father. There is no shadow of turning with Thee.”
Kari and Ryan and Dayne and Katy added their voices. “Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not. As Thou has been, Thou forever will be.”
One by one every voice added in as the song grew and built. John didn’t need to watch the monitors any longer. He could see on her face that she was leaving. He wished with all his heart he could be in that place where she was going — even for a few minutes. To see the look on Elizabeth’s face and to experience the eternal reunion that would be happening any moment now.
“Great is Thy faithfulness. Great is Thy faithfulness … morning by morning new mercies I see.” The chorus built until all the Baxter family was singing together, their voices united as one. John saw in the corner of his eye nurses and a few doctors joining them near the door, giving them this moment but wanting to share it, too. Several of them were crying.
But not the Baxters. Not this time. The circle seemed to grow stronger, their voices sweeter. As if they wouldn’t consider sending their sister and daughter home to heaven without letting her know exactly how much she was loved. How certain they were of her place in heaven.
Gradually, the sound of the machines slowed until they stopped. They watched Erin’s body relax a little, watched her spirit take flight. And even then they kept singing.
“Pardon for sin, and a peace that endureth. Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.” Their voices weren’t overly loud, but they were as sweet as any angel chorus. John knew he would remember the sound as long as he lived. “Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine and ten thousand beside.”
John couldn’t have planned this moment better if he’d scripted it. Ashley wasn’t crying anymore. Her eyes were trained on Erin’s face, the same way they all seemed mesmerized by her. They didn’t need words beyond the song because John could see they were all thinking the same thing.
As the song wound down, as Dr. Hazel moved in and confirmed that Erin’s body had given up, John was struck by the very great truth in the moment. God’s faithfulness was unequaled, His mercies new every single morning. For this was no longer a tragic moment, sad and devastating. It was his family holding each other up, believing God’s promise that those who loved Him never tasted death. Never. It wasn’t so much that Erin was leaving them. It was like he had told Ashley.
She was coming home.
THE SINGING WAS ERIN’S FAVORITE PART. The special hymn from so many Sunday services, sung by the voices she loved most. The voices of her family. And before that there had been her father, reminding her of so many beautiful moments, and Ashley.
Dear sweet Ashley.
Erin tried to tell her everything was okay. She already knew Ashley was sorry for the things she’d said way back then, the way she’d acted. There was no need for Ashley to feel bad or conflicted. The past was behind them.
But every time Erin tried to open her mouth nothing came out. She pushed and strained, and finally she ran out of effort and did the only thing she could do. She enjoyed the words being spoken to her, the message in the words — not just from Ashley and her dad, but from all of them
Her entire family.
But then gradually she began to feel herself slipping. Not slipping away, just slipping from the place she was to another place, slowly … like the opening of a flower in spring, the stunning place she’d seen before appeared before her eyes again. The beautiful field, even brighter than before. The greens and blues and purples and yellows more vibrant than anything she’d ever seen.
Even in Ashley’s paintings.
And there in the midst of the field was the table again and one at a time faces that she dearly loved came into view. Her mother, healthy and smiling, and beside her more of her family.
A sense of elation filled Erin and worked its way through her heart and mind and soul. There was Sam and Clarissa and Chloe and Heidi Jo. So many of them, and they were calling to her, welcoming her and she knew this would be the most unbelievable time of her life.
But … but where was Amy Elizabeth?
“I’ll go find her,” she yelled to the others. They mustn’t have heard her because they were still smiling and talking with each other and having what looked like the best time ever.
“I can’t come now!” Erin couldn’t hear her own words, either, but she tried to find her way back to the other side. Turning and searching for the place with less colors. The place where Amy Elizabeth was. “Amy … where are you?”
The colors disappeared again and there was the blur of grays and blacks and whites and she could hear Ashley once more. Erin tried to focus, tried to hear what her sister was saying. Something else, not the part about being sorry. Dear Lord, You’re here with me. I can feel Your Spirit … help me hear my sister. I can’t understand …
Daughter, be still … I am with you.
And with that Ashley’s voice was suddenly clear, the message unmistakable. Ashley was going to take care of Amy. She wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. The news relaxed her and gave her the permission she needed, permission to find her mom and Sam and the other girls. Ashley would take care of everything. She would keep her safe from Candy Burns. She and their dad were telling her it was okay, she could go to the place of the blues and greens and purples, the place where God’s love felt like the brightest color, the one overlaying all the others.
Amy Elizabeth would be okay.
The peace inside her became a song and everyone she loved was singing it. The beautiful words from her favorite hymn filled her and surrounded her. Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God my Father … there is no shadow of turning with Thee …
It was true. He was calling to her even now, at this very moment, and this time she could see it all, colors and sounds and smells more alive than anything in any place Erin had ever been. “Mommy!” It was Heidi Jo, and Erin began to run across the grass. And the field felt like silk beneath her feet. They were coming to her now, all of them. Erin couldn’t hear her siblings’ voices anymore, couldn’t hear her father. But that was okay. They would all be together soon. She knew that without asking.
For now she was consumed by the reality of this new and wonderful place and the people she was with. Sam and the girls, and her mother. Erin smiled as she flew into their arms, as Sam swung her around and her mother pulled her close and the girls and her little niece took turns hugging her. This place was wonderful, and she could sense the Lord with them. Not like before, but in a much more real way. And no one was in a hurry. Suddenly the reunion was all she could think about, all she could imagine. She could hardly wait to sit at the picnic table with them.
She and her mom had so much to talk about.
Twenty-One
EVER SINCE THE ACCIDENT, DAYNE FELT LIKE HE WAS DRAGGING the broken pieces of his heart around on a rope behind him. Like he never had time to stop and pray and put things back together again. The drama had played out that quickly. Yes, he was grateful he’d been there with the others, and there were moments they’d shared this past week that would stand forever as some of his most beautiful. He was sure about that.
But still he and Katy needed a break from the sadness, even just to pray and find the strength to help the others. And so that Friday morning, he and Katy left the kids with his dad and Elaine. The time away had been his father’s idea. “I need to be with my grandkids,” his dad told him. “You and Katy go live. We all need to embrace life. That’s what Erin would’ve wanted.”
Dayne made a plan that he and Katy would use Kari and Ryan’s boat at the Lake Monroe Marina, and they’d take two of their favorite people with them: Bailey and Brandon Paul. Dayne and Katy had mentored the young couple before their March wedding. Katy had known Bailey for eight years. Since Bailey was fifteen.
The two had honeymooned in the South Pacific on Turtle Island in Fiji, and now they lived on the lake in the house Dayne once bought for Katy. It would be great to catch up with them, hear how married life was going and how the two were doing with their plan to expand Christian Kids Theater.
A few phone calls later and Dayne had set the plan in motion. Both Bailey and Brandon were available. Dayne and Katy would swing by in their rental car to pick them up at the lake house, and they’d spend a good part of the day on the water. The others were still waking up and making coffee, talking about taking walks or going to the park. Dayne thanked his sister and brother-in-law and they promised to be back for dinner.
“Good.” Their dad smiled. “We have enough casseroles for the whole neighborhood.”
They weren’t back to laughing. Not yet. But the celebration of Erin’s home-going had been so beautiful that this much was true: The depressing sense of tragedy had passed. There were still tears, of course. Even that late morning as Dayne and Katy left. But the Baxter family was surviving.
When he was behind the wheel, the window rolled down, a warm summer breeze in his face, Dayne exhaled in a way that made him wonder if he hadn’t been holding his breath all week. “I need this.”
Katy put her hand on his knee and stayed quiet. Every statement didn’t need a response. It was one of the things he loved about her.
“I mean … everyone’s been talking about when Erin was three and when she was eight and how sweet she was in high school.” He held tight to the wheel. “But none of that applies to me. I didn’t know her until she was married with kids.”
“Honey … you should’ve told me.” She drew closer, watching his face even while he watched the road. “I didn’t know you were feeling that way.”
“It added up.” He glanced at her, his eyes soft. “I wasn’t mad. Just that it made me realize again how much I missed.”
“Hmm.” Katy seemed to mull that over for a long moment. “I bet you learned more about your family than you knew before.”
“Volumes.” Dayne let the reality hit. “Definitely. I know all of them better. For sure.”
Again Katy was quiet. She settled back into her seat and put her window down as well. “A day at the lake will be good. For both of us.”
He realized then that Katy hadn’t really had a break from the kids and the cooking and caring for the group since the accident. She’d only spent part of the time at the hospital, and despite her hours of serving, she hadn’t complained.
“Katy … I’m sorry.”
“What?” Her smile was as genuine as the smell of jasmine in the air. “Why are you sorry, Dayne Matthews?”
“I haven’t thanked you. For all the hours you stayed at the house helping Elaine and Reagan.” He reached out and touched her blonde hair, ran his fingers through it. “I miss you.”
She turned her head and this time her eyes smiled at him. Even for just a few seconds. “I miss you, too.”
“It’s almost more than I can grasp, all the loss in the last few days.”
“Which was why yesterday was so wonderful.” Katy’s voice sounded dreamy. “I never looked forward to heaven more than watching Erin go. Like one minute she was here and earthbound and trapped by machines and wires, and the next …”
“The next she was in paradise.” Dayne felt the deepest sadness mix with the greatest possible joy. “With her husband and girls.” He paused, staring at the road ahead. “And with our mother.”
“Since then I’ve been too hopeful to feel trapped in pain.”
“I like that.” Dayne felt his tension let up. “Too hopeful to feel trapped in pain. Very nice, Katy.”
“Thanks.” She laughed, and then she seemed to catch herself. As if she didn’t want to violate the unwritten rule about how long after a tragedy people needed to wait before they could laugh.
“Don’t stop yourself.” Dayne slipped his fingers between hers and cherished the feel of her skin. “We’re alive. We’re
supposed to laugh.” He glanced at her. “Think about those little girls. Of course it’s okay to laugh, Katy.”
A quiet fell over the car and Dayne thought about his youngest sister. The loss of Erin and Sam and three of their girls hit him differently than the others. At least his siblings had grown up with Erin. They had a lifetime of memories with her. Dayne’s memories with Erin and her family were limited. He would feel the difference tomorrow, no doubt. The funeral was set for noon at Clear Creek Church, one service for all five of them. Dayne was grateful he and Katy were here, grateful they could all be together.
But today he needed to pray, needed time on the lake so he could face tomorrow.
Bailey and Brandon were waiting outside, checking on the blueberries that grew in a small garden on the side of the house. They had a plastic container full of the berries and a beach bag as they approached Dayne and Katy’s rented car.
Dayne slipped it into park and he and Katy hurried out to meet the younger couple. They exchanged hugs and a subdued greeting. Before they climbed back in the car, Bailey put her arm around Brandon’s waist, her eyes beyond sad. “How are you, really?”
“Really?” He looked at Katy for a long beat and then back at Bailey. “I’m worn out. Since Saturday the days have been the very worst, and then yesterday … I don’t know—that was maybe one of the best.”
Katy took hold of his hand and explained how they had watched Erin go to heaven — right before their eyes.
Not until two hours later when they were on the other side of the lake and Dayne cut the engine did the conversation turn to Bailey and Brandon. “So … how’s married life?” Dayne joined the others at the back of the boat. They were in a cove with almost no boat traffic, so the air around them was still. The warm sun and gentle swells of the lake beneath them felt good on Dayne’s soul.