Jim was on one of the newer trains, so he didn’t have to make many announcements. The automated voice took that job. He could just focus on his driving, and punching the stops. Heading south on the number 4 line, Jim had just left Brooklyn Bridge and was heading to Wall Street Station. There wasn’t much of a way to go before he got to Bowling Green where he would take a break for lunch. Today he would be alone since his friend Brian was no longer working for the MTA. He had resigned a while ago to attend St. John’s school of law, and to work in the law library part time. Jim was actually happy about this for several reasons. First and foremost, he was happy for his friend, who was actually able to go after his dream. Secondly, it put an end to the awkwardness that was beginning to form between them, especially after Jim had to finally confess that he had no intention of leaving transit for law school. That was a moment that stuck with Jim, particularly because of how hard Brian took it. When Jim told him, he could see the hurt and disappointment on Brian’s face. Jim knew right then and there that he lost face with Brian. Even as Brian tried to continue their friendship, Jim felt the distance between them. Suddenly, there wasn’t much for them to talk about anymore. Brian was busy preparing for all of the new experiences awaiting him, while Jim was still trudging along underground in transit. They were now on two different paths. They saw less and less of each other, until one day, Jim heard from Greg that Brian wasn’t coming back. Brian didn’t even say goodbye. Maybe that was best. A clean break. Jim couldn’t blame him.
As he mourned the loss of this acquaintance with Brian, a feeling of loneliness swept over Jim and covered him like a fog. Lately, even his close friends seemed to be drifting away from him and even each other. Allen had become totally consumed with his job search and didn’t seem to have time for Jim anymore. Even when Allen did have time, he was so cranky and irritable that he wasn’t much fun to be with. Richard was laying low somewhere for reasons he had yet to reveal. Tamiko seemed to be drowning in lesson planning and grad school, and Callie was working double shifts at the hospital. In his desperation, Jim was even willing to hang out with Tim, but he was busy with the reorganization of his department after all of the layoffs at Herns and Marshall. The last time they had all been together at once, was when they went to Manna’s that Saturday night. Since then, they would meet in groups of two or three, here or there, for a few minutes or whatever. Few words were exchanged if any, each person preoccupied with whatever personal crisis they were dealing with at the moment. Most recently, they had all been reduced to texting each other. Friendships reduced to buzzes from a smart phone. Most days, and now weekends, Jim spent alone in his apartment heating up frozen dinners and watching the latest movie on the On Demand channel.
At least his friends were busy doing something. All he did was drive trains around in perfect circles, at least when there were no delays, track work, or signal problems, which still occurred more often than not. At times Jim would wonder if he shouldn’t have just taken the chance and gone to law school. Sometimes he would even stop by a school and pick up an updated application, but soon after, his resolve would wan.
Finally, Jim could see the entrance of the platform as he led the train into the Bowling Green station. When he judged that he was about 60 feet away Jim pulled on the break and slowed the train down almost to a crawl so that he would end up as close to the punch as possible before the train stopped. As close as he was, he still had to use a little stick to reach the punch to signal his arrival into the station. Then he opened the doors and grabbed his bag. Before he left, he made sure the door to the conductor’s car was locked and then stepped out of the train car onto the platform with the passengers and waited for his relief. It wasn’t long before he spotted Jake. Jim greeted him briefly before handing off the keys and heading up the stairs into the chill October air.
Jim zipped his MTA jacket in response to the change in atmosphere. For a few minutes he wandered about aimlessly, thinking about where he was going to eat. Jim knew that there was a McDonald’s not far over by Whitehall, and a fish place, which was a little further over on Court Street. The fish place was always crowded at this time of day, so he decided to go into the McDonald’s and grab a couple of dollar menu chicken sandwiches and some fries. By the time he had made this decision, he had reached the restaurant. Jim got on the shortest line he saw and checked out the menu on the wall as he waited his turn. By the time he reached the check out, he had changed his mind and decided to splurge on a number 7: a Big Mac, large fries and large coke and he decided to get an apple pie for dessert. Once his order was ready, he took his tray and looked for a place to sit. There wasn’t much space available as the lunch crowd was starting to pour in. He wanted a quiet corner away from everyone where he could just zone out in his own thoughts. As he was scanning the scene, he felt a tap on his shoulder.
“Hey stranger.”
It was Callie.
“Hey yourself, what are you doing here?” asked Jim in surprise. He noticed that she was not wearing her nurse scrubs, but rather a fitted yellow oxford button down shirt, dark-rinsed jeans and chocolate Puma tennis shoes. Typical ladies shopping attire.
“After putting in so much overtime, I decided to call in sick and have a day for myself. Come sit with me over here”, she said ushering him to a table in a corner near the front window.
“You always pick the best tables.”
“Thanks. Did you just get off for lunch?”
“Yeah, I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Good. I haven’t seen any of you guys in so long. Lately, it seems as if I’ve been living at the hospital. You have to catch me up on what’s been going on.”
“Actually, not much has been going on. I haven’t seen much of anyone, either.”
“Soon we’ll have to start making appointments to see each other. So how you been doin’?”
“You know how it is. Same old, same old. I see you’ve been shopping. Is that how you spending your overtime money?” asked Jim pointing to her bags.
“Oh, please. This is just a lot of household stuff.”
“Since when does Century 21 sell household stuff?”
“They sell bedding and house furnishings there. They had sheets and pillows on sale. I don’t want to be one of those sisters who looks all fly and then when you look in her house, all she’s got is a sad little mattress and a pot for a toilet.”
“Um, hmmm.”
“Have you heard from Allen lately?”
“Last time I spoke to him was a week ago. He’s still searching for the dream job. He’s using agencies this time.”
“I hope he has better luck with them than I did when I was looking for a job. Is he still angry with me about the what happened at Manna’s?”
“He’s not mad at you. He was never mad at you. You were the one that was trippin’!”
“Then why hasn’t he returned any of my phone calls or my texts?”
“He’s busy Callie. He hasn’t really been returning anyone’s texts.”
“He returned yours.”
“Not really. I just drop by every once in a while. I’m just down the block, remember?”
“I bet he’s got time for Miss Perfect.”
“I guess you’re still upset about what happened at Manna’s. Don’t you think that’s old by now?”
“It’s just that…Never mind. Next topic.”
“C’mon, what is it?”
“Nothing! Just forget it.”
“Why are you so jealous of Miko?”
“Please! I’m not jealous of her!”
“Then what is it? You’re not angry with Allen anymore, but you’re not cutting her any slack.”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because she’s a self-righteous, patronizing, selfish, crybaby who can dish it, but can’t take it. And she’s always trying to tell Allen what to do.”
“Ah, so that’s what it is!”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about?”
> Callie shrugged her shoulders to express her lack of clarity with regard to what Jim was referring to.
“Someone’s crushing on Allen”, Jim sang tauntingly.
“Oh please, stop. If you remember correctly, I was the one who suggested that we should be friends after the prom!”
“And now you’ve changed your mind?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Are you sure?”
Callie rolled her eyes.
“You really don’t need to be jealous of Tamiko. She and Allen are really more like brother and sister. He’d never consider anything with her. And neither would I for that matter. It’d be like incest or something.”
“It makes no difference to me, cause I’m not interested in him that way. I just wish she’d keep her holy-roller ways to herself, that’s all.”
“I hear that. All that slave religion stuff can try your nerves after a while.”
“It’s not believing in God that I can’t handle, it’s just that she acts as if her way is the only way. Ya know?”
“I feel you. Me… I don’t know. I used to go to church and stuff, but now, I’m not so keen on religion.”
“I mean there’s so many religions out there, how can she be so sure about which one is the right one. Who knows, maybe they’re all right in some way. It’s all very confusing. That’s why I don’t like thinking about stuff like that.”
“Hey, I just believe that if you’re a good person, everything will work out in the end.”
“But then what does it mean to be a ‘good’ person. ‘Good’ means different things to different people.”
“Callie, do you know why you’re confused about stuff? It’s because you over-complicate things. You think too much.”
“Me? What about you? Like when are you going to stop thinking about law school and actually go?”
“Now that is a much more complicated matter.”
“What’s so complicated about it, if it’s what you really want to do? I heard from Brian the other day. He’s having the time of his life right now. You should have gone with him.”
“And how am I going to support myself? Huh? Who is going to foot the bill for law school? You heard Allen the other night. They don’t give you money for graduate school!”
“Those sound like excuses to me. Brian is going through the same thing you’re going through. He got another job and a roommate to help pay for expenses. He took out some loans and applied for a fellowship.”
“Well, that worked for him. It may not work for me.”
“How will you know if you don’t try?”
Jim began to tune Callie out as he started to pick at the left over ice in his cup with his straw.
“So does this mean that you’re never going back to school? You’re going to make a life-long career out of the MTA?”
“And what if I did? Would that be so bad? Why does everyone think that every black person has the responsibility to be some barrier breaking ‘phenom’. You want to be a head nurse, Allen wants to be a Wall Street consulting big wig, Tim wants to own a multimillion dollar corporation before he’s 30, and even Richard wants to be hustler of the year. What happened to being a normal average guy?”
“Jim, are you serious?”
“Look, I’ve been doing some serious thinking these past two years…”
“Sounds more like you’ve been doing crack.”
“Callie, everybody is not meant to be at the top…”
“So you’re giving up? Y’know, you’re always talking about how were still in the struggle and how the white man is always trying to keep us down. I guess in your case he doesn’t have to try. You’re already laying down.”
“Wait a minute, are you trying to say I’m a punk?”
“All I’m saying is that I’m disappointed in you, Jim.”
“You’re disappointed? I’m the one who should be disappointed. I didn’t know my friends were so shallow and materialistic. I guess I have to be a “professional” if I’m gonna hang with the set right?”
“Don’t even go there! That’s not what this is about! This has to do with you accepting less of yourself!” Callie was starting to raise her voice, but caught herself. She didn’t want it to seem as if she was angry with him, however she wanted to show her concern.
“Jim, I’m your friend and I care about you. I see that you are an intelligent, hardworking guy with a lot of potential, who, for some reason lately, wants to throw everything away. This isn’t you, Jim. What’s going on?” she asked in a softer tone.
“It’s getting late. I have to get back to the station.”
“I’m sorry if I upset you, Jim. It’s just that I want you to be happy…”
“I know. No hard feelings.”
“Just think about what I said. Okay?”
“I’ll do that.”
“If you want to talk, hit me on the cell.”
“Sure”, he said collecting his tray before heading toward the garbage and finally the exit, leaving Callie alone at the table.
As Jim stepped out onto the sidewalk he was stung by a sudden gust of cold October air. But it wasn’t as bad as the sting of Callie’s words that still reverberated in his head. They haunted him all the way back to the station. It didn’t stop until he was back in the motorman’s car of the northbound 4 train heading into the Bronx. Midway through the route, he got a transmission from central dispatch that there was a track fire and that he had to re-route on the 7th avenue line all the way through the Bronx. That meant extra traffic with the 2 and 3 trains. Jim didn’t mind. He could handle it because he knew the routes so well. Jim had come to know a lot about how to navigate trains through the complex system of underground tunnels. He knew of other drivers who even got lost down in the system to the chagrin of their passengers and the boss at central. Jim was good at managing the routes. It was the one tangible thing he could hold onto in his life, and there weren’t many things he could hold onto.
Jim turned off of the express track at the 149th Street station and headed out onto the tracks at the lower level where the 2 and 3 stop. When he got to the crossing, he had to stop for a red signal. Dispatch radioed that there were two trains ahead of him and to wait for clearance. “Figures.” Jim thought to himself. With the 2, 3, and now, 4 and 5 trains using the same tracks it was inevitable. “Attention Ladies and Gentleman, we have red signals ahead of us. When they clear, we should be moving. Thank you for your patience”, he announced.
While Jim waited for the signal to change, he thought about how easy this job was in comparison to how he was faring in his life. Most of the time he was by himself, and didn’t have to really talk to anyone, except when he was receiving a transmission from his radio. His headset blocked out most of the noise coming from the tunnels. Once Jim got over his fear of driving in the dark, he came to like it even. And he was really good at keeping control over the trains. He knew how to slow down when he came to a shorter platform and he almost always was in the perfect position to punch the clock at the station.
Jim could always keep the trains on the track, but he could never do the same with his life. He lost his dad, his mom, Brian, and now there stood the possibility of losing his long time friends and sometimes he even felt like he was losing himself. Something was happening to him, but he couldn’t explain it outright. Sometimes he thought it was a good change. After talking to Callie today, all he could feel was just shame. If only there was a way that he could pursue law school and keep his current job. He could do it, but he just needed something to fall back on. It was really dark out there in the world. Much darker than even the most distant recesses of a closed subway tunnel.
Jim thought about going out into it, but he needed a hand to hold.
Sixteen