Allen was setting the table for his mother for Friday night dinner. He had just put out the cloth basket weave tablemats and was now setting out the silverware. Elsewhere in the kitchen, Lena Sharpe was fixing the service trays and platters to be placed on the table. The menu consisted of roasted pork shoulder and string beans with hoppin’ johns and rice. Vernon was working on putting the finishing touches on the dessert. Normally, Vernon Sharpe considered himself too manly to cook, but when he did cook, he often stuck to desserts. Tonight, he had made a red velvet cake with vanilla frosting and coconut sprinkled on top. Allen had spoken to Jim earlier in the day and invited him over to have dinner with the family to which Jim accepted. Jim hadn’t had dinner very often with the Sharpes since he dropped out of the church about two years ago.
In happier times, the Sharpes, the Bynums, and the Reids, were like one communal unit. They went to church together, they prayed together, and spent a lot of summers and recreational time together. All of the adults looked after each other’s children as if they belonged to all of them. Tamiko, Jim, and Allen spent as much time in each other’s houses as they did in their own respective homes. With the death of Momma Merta, Jim slowly began to move out of the communal unit and not without some concern on the part of the Bynums and Sharpes. So when Allen told his parents about Jim coming to dinner, they were more than excited about having him over. Allen had finished setting the table when he heard the doorbell ring. He ran to the door and peeked through the peephole, before opening the door for his friend.
“Right on time”, said Allen shepherding his friend in. “Hey everybody! Jim’s here!” Allen shouted to his parents in the kitchen.
“What’s happenin’ man?!” Jim said a little more cheerfully than usual. The smell of his breath immediately made Allen a little uneasy. Mingled with the strong mint smell of the gum he was chewing was also alcohol. This was the third time this week that he noticed Jim had been drinking. Although he didn’t seem to be totally inebriated like he was at the Election Night party, Allen was still concerned that his friend, who used to drink only on occasions, was now beginning to drink on what seemed to be almost a daily basis. The fact that he had recently revealed to him that he had given up on his life’s dream was even more worrying. However, he didn’t know whether or not now was the right time to talk to his friend. But Allen felt like he had to say something.
“You know me, man. I’m hanging in there, but what about you? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, man”, replied Jim “I’ll be even better after I’ve had some of your mom’s home cookin’. Been a long time since I had dinner here, but if my memory serves me correctly, I think that’s roast pork and string beans I smell.”
“You got it.”
Then Allen’s parents came out of the kitchen to greet Jim. After exchanging pleasantries, all of the men sat down, while Lena brought out the food and set it on the table. Then when everything was ready, they all bowed their heads and said grace, in which Jim reluctantly participated, but did not join in by saying the final “amen” on the end. This did not escape the notice of the older adults in the room who merely eyed each other. Lena, Vernon, as well as the Pastor Bynum and his wife were well aware that Jim had been an apostate to the faith for some time now. They all had done everything in their power to avert Jim’s tergiversation of his religious convictions and had spent a lot of time praying and waiting patiently for God to change Jim’s heart.
“So, how’s everything with you Jim? We haven’t seen you in so long.”
“I’m good. Just glad to be working so I can pay those bills.”
“I hear that”, replied Vernon. “Transit is a good place to be. I always wanted to work in transit driving the buses, but I had too many points on my license.”
“You think maybe when the recession is over, you’ll go back and get your law degree like you planned?” asked Lena.
“I’m not so sure anymore.”
“Why not? When you were younger it was all you ever talked about.”
“That was when I was younger. I’ve changed a lot since then. Now, I don’t think that’s what I want anymore.”
“Yeah, mom. It’s no big deal. People change careers all the time”, said Allen attempting to be nonchalant. He was trying to keep his mother from going where he knew she would eventually go.
“Well, what will you do?” Lena persisted.
“I’m thinking that I’ll just stay with transit until I figure it out”, answered Jim.
“I was hoping you could’ve gotten Allen a job in transit. It’s more stable than the one he’s got”, Vernon remarked.
“I don’t know dad. Transit’s just not my thing. Anyway, I probably have a few points too many on my license”, said Allen.
“Yes, Allen. We all know you were meant for bigger and better things”, remarked Jim with just the faintest bit of bitterness in his voice. Allen knew what he was alluding to, but decided not to respond to it to avoid trouble.
“Mom these string beans are hittin’ it out of the park”, said Allen “I think I’m going to have to go back for a second helping.”
“Allen, I know how you like my string beans. Just make sure you leave some for anyone else who would like a second helping.”
“I think I could use a second helping myself”, said Jim.
“Yep. You all had your favorites. Allen loved my string beans. Tamiko always loved Mother Rose’s Ham.”
“Everybody loves mother Rose’s Ham”, said Vernon.
“Speaking of Tamiko, what’s been going on with her lately. I barely see her anymore. Is she still having problems at work?” asked Jim.
“Unfortunately. Pastor Bynum said she thinks she may not want to teach anymore after this year. I’ve tried to help her. She called me once to ask me to help her with lesson plans, but I’m not a classroom teacher anymore. I’m only teaching in the resource room now. Besides, everything in the schools has changed so much since I was a classroom teacher. A couple of years ago they started this new “Balanced Literacy” and “New Math” craze and it’s taken over all the schools. Everyone says it’s good teaching and it’s supposed to be “research based”, but most of the children wind up coming to me because they don’t understand what they’re doing. I mean they get these coaches in there to watch the teachers and tell them what to do, and yet no one ever gets it right. It isn’t a wonder she’s so confused.”
“She’ll work it out, as long as she keeps the faith. Pastor says she’s been praying about it”, responded Vernon.
“I know. And it’s a shame because it’s her calling. I remember when she came to me and told me that God had revealed it to her. She seemed so sure.”
“It seems that the only thing you can be sure of in this life is that nothing is ever sure”, stated Jim.
“I’m just worried about all you children out there. First, Allen couldn’t find a job, Tamiko has one, but doesn’t know if she wants to stay, and now Jim doesn’t know what he wants to do. It just seems like everybody’s drifting.”
“I don’t think you need to worry yourself so much Lena. That’s what young people do. I remember when I was younger. I had a whole bunch of jobs before I got one that was steady.”
“But those were different times, Vernon. We didn’t have many options back then. Affirmative action was just beginning to open the doors and only for those of us who had the qualifications to go through. These young people today have so much more at their disposal, and yet decisions seem so hard for them to make. I think it’s because they don’t know who they are”, Lena opined with concern.
“But I think that’s what we’re all trying to find mom. We want to know what our purpose is in this world and to fulfill it”, said Allen.
“Allen, as Christians, our main purpose in life is to serve the Lord. The only thing you need to find out is how he wants you to serve Him.”
“Do you mean like how we can contribute to making the world a better place?”
&
nbsp; “No, Allen. There’s more to it than that. It’s not about making the world better. The Bible tells us this world is not going to get better. That’s why Christ is coming back to the earth to set up his kingdom. In the end there’s going to be a New Heaven and a New Earth. So none of these works we do for the world are going to last. It’s about living a life that brings glory to our Creator, so that people will see and know who he is, and hopefully want to be saved and join Him in the New Kingdom.”
“So everything is about Him. Is that it? What about us? What about the people who serve him? I guess we’re nothing to Him, but playthings for His amusement”, Jim spat out.
“Jim. I know how you feel, but this is a Christian household and when you are here, you will need to show respect for the God we serve”, Vernon said sternly.
“Then I’m sorry Mr. &Mrs. Sharpe, but I can’t stay. And I don’t think I’ll be able to come back.”
“Jim, you need to let go of your anger toward God. He loves you and wants the best for you, your mother, and your father. Everybody has to leave this world. Some people die tragic deaths, even Christians. Stephen was stoned to death by a mob, and Jesus Christ himself suffered crucifixion. Life doesn’t end with physical death…”
“So they’re better off in Heaven, now? Right? Well what about me? Huh? What about me?”
“Jim, please!”
“Let him go, Lena. You’ve talked to him. Everyone’s talked to him. Now we just have to let God talk to Jim Himself.”
“I can’t let him leave like this”, said Allen rising from the table. Then he bolted to the front hall, quickly grabbed his coat from the closet and followed Jim out the door. Allen remembered Jim’s breath and was afraid of where he was headed.
Allen looked around to see which way Jim went, and spotted him going in the direction opposite his home. Jim was all the way at the end of the block waiting for the traffic signal to change. This gave Allen some time to run to catch up with him.
“Hey, Jim, wait up!” Allen called out. Jim didn’t respond.
“I’m sorry about what happened back there. Don’t get mad at them. They were only trying to help”, panted Allen who was out of breath.
“I know, but it’s not what I’m trying to hear right now.”
“How about we go and hang out for a while. Just blow off some steam, you know?”
“Nah, man. You go on home. I just need to be alone for a while.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure”, said Jim testily. “I’m not really in the mood for company right now.”
“If you change your mind, call me. Please.”
As Allen walked away, Jim couldn’t help but feel relieved, and this bothered him. Jim and Allen had always been very close friends. Allen was the one person in his life that he felt he could count on, that would understand him, and now it seemed as if they were on divergent paths. The Sharpe’s had been his surrogate parents for years and within a few minutes and with a few harsh words, he felt he had become alienated from them forever. Jim was conscious of the fact that he was beginning to lose everything. Momma Lena was right. Jim was drifting, and he had the worst feeling that it was to a very dark place where he didn’t want to be. He thought by staying in transit, he had ended all of the dark tunnels in his life. However, the void was opening again and Jim felt himself being pulled toward the deep murky vortex. He wanted to stop what was going on, but felt powerless about what to do about it. Everything he did seemed to bring him closer to it. Jim realized that he needed help, but he didn’t know where exactly it would come from. Who could he talk to, now? Who could he lean on? He wanted to talk to someone, but who would understand? Since Allen embarked on this spiritual journey, there was no way that he would. He felt all the others were way too shallow to even begin to talk to.
Jim didn’t like the way he was feeling. All the same questions started popping up in his head again. The same questions for which he had no real answers. He had to silence them. Jim crossed the street and headed down toward the Blue Note Bar and Grill on 135th.
It was still early in the evening when Jim arrived and the place was already crowded. Even in a recession, people still found the time and money to get their drink on. Jim maneuvered his way towards the bar and sat down. He thought about ordering a beer, but he had been drinking beer all week, not to mention the fact that he had just had one before he got to the Sharpe’s for dinner. No, he needed something a little stronger than a beer right now.
“What’ll it be, son?” asked the bartender.
“I’ll have a shot of Jack Daniel’s, straight”, Jim ordered trying to act cool. Jim had never had whiskey before. In the past, he had heard from his friends at St. John’s about how strong it was, but then people were known to exaggerate about things.
There was a college basketball game on the flat screen T.V. above the bar and Jim attempted to concentrate on the game while he waited for his drink, but other thoughts kept intruding. Momma Lena said that God loved Jim. “He sure has a funny way of showing it.” Jim thought to himself. If there were a God that loved him, He wouldn’t have taken his parents away from him. If there were a God that loved him, He wouldn’t have allowed racists to hinder him from getting a job as a law clerk. If there were a God that loved him, He wouldn’t be turning his friends against him. No, all those things he had been told as a child were lies. His parent’s believed in lies. Now he knew the truth. He didn’t need a God in his life. Then out of nowhere it flashed before his eyes. He could see his mother’s coffin being lowered into the grave; the dirt being piled on. The vivid memory of the sight made Jim feel as if he was in there too, and with each shovel full of dirt, he felt as if he was being covered and suffocated.
The bartender served Jim his drink. Jim gulped it down quickly. After a few seconds he was stunned by a sudden, intense burning in his throat and started to cough violently. The bartender looked over and turned back to his work laughing to himself at the young man’s naiveté. Jim played off his coughing fit, trying to stifle it. The drink was strong and it went straight to his head, which Jim liked. It made him feel powerful.
“Yo, bartender. Let me get another hit of that.”
“I would’ve thought you’d had enough the first time, son.”
“Please, man. This is like water for me.”
“If you say so”, smiled the bartender.
The bartender filled his glass again. This time Jim braced himself before pouring the liquid down his throat. It still stung hard enough to make Jim wince, but not as bad as the first time. Now the voices in his head were beginning to quiet.
“What are you going to do now?” he heard one say.
“Who cares? It’s like Momma Lena said. We all gonna die anyway.”
“Where do you think you’re going to go after you die?”
“What does it matter? If I go to heaven I’m better off, and if I go to hell, I’ve had enough preparation for that right here on earth.”
Jim ordered another shot. Then another. Each shot being easier to take than the last. The more shots he drank the less he could feel. The weight and the burden of the responsibility for his life seemed to be lifting from him.
“You know your mother was the only one who didn’t want you to be a lawyer. She wanted you to be a preacher.”
“She’s dead.”
Jim ordered more shots. Soon Jim could feel nothing at all. Everything around him was just dull colors and muffled noises. He was still drifting, but now he was at ease. It was as if he was on a boat in the middle of a placid stream and the warm sun was beating down on him. Jim was peacefully drifting on the stream, blissfully unaware of the falls up ahead.
Thirty-Five