Lizzy and Anna had looked over the list over the next few days, and even though Anna wanted to attack the easy chores first, Lizzy refused to cherry pick the tasks and do them all in the order they were written in. She had sent the papers the lawyer brought over and ordered her attorney to accept the settlement offer and take the money. Lizzy's lawyer had tried to talk her out of it but realized quickly this is what Lizzy wanted and made sure it went through. Now with the money to keep her apartment without worrying about going back to work was a good thing, and they were free to started working on the list to complete Hayden's goals. Anna and Lizzy were making notes and thinking about what the first task could be about. The fifth task read: attend another meeting. Both women were stumped to what it might have meant. Anna was as stumped she felt the need to break out more wine. Another benefit to taking the money was a well stocked fridge and Anna took full advantage of that since she was asked to stay there.
"Maybe he was a member of a club, you know one that held meetings and did good things for the community." Anna said, pitching ideas out loud.
"If he was going to meetings like that, I would have known about it. There would be some kind of uniform around here somewhere and I looked through his clothes again to see of any said anything about a club or organization." Lizzy replied, rubbing her temples trying to figure this out. Neither of them could come up with an answer, but help came a few hours later in the form of Danny, Lizzy's brother. He had come just before supper, since he had offered to cook. When he arrived, he was carrying a box in his arms. It wasn’t huge, but enough to make it a chore core for him to carry in. Her brother walked into the living room and placed it on the dining room table.
"What is this?" Anna asked with a weird look on her face.
"I stopped at Hayden's firehouse before I came here." Danny replied, "They knew I was coming over and asked me to tale it with me since I was going this way to see you."
"What is it" Lizzy asked, since he didn't answer it the first time.
"They cleaned out Hayden's locker last month. This is everything from it. I thought you could look for clues that might help you with the list." he opened the box and all three of them started to look through his stuff.
“The list?” Anna said as she turned to Lizzy. “You told him?”
“Why not?” Lizzy answered, “I had no intention of keeping it a secret from everyone.”
“Wine?” Anna said as she held up another bottle.
“I'm fine, thanks for offering.” Danny answered.
They both went back to taking stuff out and looking for something that might give them any clues to what some of the list was referring to. The answer to one of them came when Lizzy reached into a pocket of his jacket and found something. It was a coin, a very big coin that she didn't recognize. "What on earth is this?" she asked out loud.
"I have no idea." Anna said as she leaned over to look at it.
"It's a sobriety coin." Danny answered.
Both Lizzy and Anna stopped looking at the coin and both locked their eyes on Danny. "How did you know that?"
Danny put down what he had in his hands and took a deep breath. He then dug into his pocket and pulled out another coin and put it on the table in front of them. "As you can see, my coin has a different number. It represents how many years the person who owns it has been sober. My coin represents two years, while Hayden's represents five. If my math is right, he's been sober ever since you guys got married."
"Wait Lizzy, the list said something about going to a meeting." Anna said as she was finally starting to put things together.
"Well, that's a no brainier." Danny said as he took his coin back and put it in his pocket. "He was likely referring to going back to his AA meetings."
"I had no idea." Lizzy said as she looked at the coin. "I didn't know he was an alcoholic."
"Don't take it so bad." Danny said with a smile, "You didn't know I was one too."
"And here I was, waving all this alcohol in your face and in Hayden's face for all these years! I feel horrible about this!" Lizzy took the wine she had in her hands and went to the kitchen and poured it out into the sink. She felt disgusted to have any of it there. To her it was like waving a chocolate cake in front of someone who had been ordered to diet. She took the bottle out of the fridge and then poured what was left of it into the sink as well. Lizzy was going to pour another bottle that was new, never opened down the drain when Danny came into the kitchen and took it away. "Give that back!" she cried out.
"This is not the answer." Danny said as he put the bottle back in the fridge. "Just because Hayden and I couldn't control ourselves doesn't mean that you and Anna can't. We have a problem, one that I am happy neither of you have been cursed with. I'm in control of my life Lizzy, and I can handle watching others drink. You don't need to toss out all your wine. Just keep the hard liquor locked away and never show me the key."
Lizzy was about to laugh, but she suddenly realized that Danny really meant what he said. Whenever Danny fell off the wagon, it was always with the finest whiskey that he get his hands on. Regardless of it was mixed with coke or diet 7up, or even straight up on the rock, that was the poison that drove him to keep drinking, excessively. Danny picked up the coin and held it up for her. "What this represents is that Hayden was taking control of his life and not letting the bottle take control of him and ruin everything. It's clear to me that he loved you enough to stop drinking so you and he would have a good life together. You were his inspiration to stop, his sole reason to stay sober just like you and Dad are my reasons to stay off the sauce.”
Lizzy started to tear up. "Why didn't he tell me?"
"It’s possible he was ashamed, afraid of how you would react." Danny put the coin back down on the table. "You're the first one I've told. Not even Dad knows."
"Is normal to keep this thing a secret?" Lizzy asked.
"Well, there is a reason why it's called anonymous." Danny slyly replied, "It allows people to concentrate on their recovery and allow them to reveal everything at their own pace. I guess Hayden wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet. I doubt even his family knew, unless any of them escorted him to his meetings."
"Where can I find his meeting?" Lizzy quickly asked.
"You can't." Danny said, "I don't know where he was meeting because I didn't even know he was attending. There are literally dozens of different meetings that take place every week here in the city and we don't even know if he attended private meetings just for him and a select few. There’s no way you're going to find it."
Lizzy didn't want to accept that and asked him to give her the location of meetings that were near her apartment and also near Hayden's former firehouse. Danny protested at first, but relented and gave her locations to three meetings that take place within the areas she had requested. Lizzy had no idea with if any of those meetings Hayden attended, or even if the people he talked to would be there, but she wanted to cross this one off the list and decided to attend them all, giving a small speech about what she was doing there and to express how she felt. Seemed like the best place to do that. As per her promise, Anna came with her to the first meeting which was held at a church only a few blocks from his firehouse.
They arrived casually dressed, and walked into the meeting not looking around for anyone but focused on the task at hand. One of the volunteers working at the building greeted them at the door as they walked in. "Hi there, first meeting?"
"Yes, it is actually." Lizzy replied as she took a brochure from the man and walked into the room with her friend. They found a seat in what was a huge circle at that gave everyone a chance to be seen and prevented anyone from hiding at the back of the room. They sat there and watched as people volunteered to stand up and make their heartfelt confessions. Some would talk about why they drank and what happened and who got hurt as a result. Some were just starting their recovery while others had been there for years and still took things one step at a time. Finally when many of the people had talked and th
e rest were not in the mood or too shy to step up, Lizzy took her turn and stop up. "Hi there, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello Elizabeth." the room all called back to her.
"I'm sorry for the confusion, but I'm not an alcoholic."
"Denial. Typical for first timers..." someone called out.
"Well that's not why I'm here. This is." She reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Everyone looked at it, confused. "This isn't my coin. It belonged to my husband. I didn't even know he was an alcoholic, but his name was Hayden and he was a fireman at the house located a few blocks from here. I'm not sure if he came to his meetings here but I wanted to let everyone know if this is where he attended the meetings here that his absence isn't because he started drinking again. It was because he died a few months ago fighting a fire and was buried a hero. I loved him very much, and even though I was unaware that he was coming to meetings like this. I wanted to let you know that I admire what you do here, what he was doing when he was here and to let you know that when he died he was sober, on the right track and doing well. Thank you."
After Lizzy had said her piece, the group clapped for her and showed their appreciation for her words. After that a few people took their turns and then the meeting was over. Lizzy was still shaking from nerves so she walked over to the table to grab a cookie and a small glass of juice. As she was taking a sip, a man walked up and offered her a hand. "Hello Elizabeth, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Ben."
"Hello Ben, pleased to meet you."
"I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate you coming over and giving us an update on Hayden. Some of us didn't know what happened to him and we feared the worst. We were hoping that he hadn’t fallen off the wagon."
Lizzy paused for a moment to digest what he had said. "So this was where Hayden came to attend his meetings?"
"It was." Ben said, "He hadn’t been to a meeting for quite a while, but when he stopped meeting his sponsor for coffee, we began to worry. It's a pleasure to finally meet the lady he never stopped talking about. He really cared about you and it was his love for you that inspired him to stay away from the bottle."
"So I’ve been told. This coin has meant he was sober for over five years, which meant he was not drinking the entire time we were married." Lizzy held onto the coin tightly, "I didn't know he loved me enough to want to change like this."
"He did." Ben said, "But he also had help from a great sponsor."
"Is that person here?" Lizzy asked, "I would like to meet that person."
"You have." Ben answered, "We're usually not allowed to speak about someone’s private business unless you’re their sponsor."
"Oh." Lizzy said. She then held up the coin to her husband's sponsor, "Would you like to have this?"
Ben had a tear in his eye as he took the chip from her hand and looked at it. "Thank you. Hayden was a good man, and we worked hard together to help him down this path."
Lizzy didn't say anymore, shook Ben's hand and even gave him a hug before leaving the hall and returning home. The first thing she did when she returned home was find the list that was still sitting on the coffee table and then scratched off the fifth goal, the first one she had completed for Hayden. She felt very proud and excited that she would be able to complete the other twenty-four. It would take some time and some dedication to decode them, but she had the time and the money to make it all happen. She would keep going until she went broke or the list was finished, whichever came first.
A few months later while Lizzy was trying to work on another part of Hayden's list, she received a package in the mail. She read the return address and immediately recognized the first name: Ben. It was a something from Hayden's sponsor. She opened the package eagerly and was surprised to see the only thing inside: a video tape. She looked at it and walked over to her old VCR that was still hooked up to the very old TV that was in the spare bedroom. She slipped the tape in, pressed play and then held her breath in anticipation as she waited for something to appear on the screen. At first all you could see was a podium, and the camera was on a tripod because it wasn't shaking at all. Then she heard a familiar voice, the man who sent her the tape.
"Get up there, man." Ben coached, "This is very important."
"I don't know man, this seems so weird."
“It’s not… we do stuff like this all the time.”
A few seconds later, Hayden came out from behind the camera and walked up behind the podium. He seemed uncomfortable with what they were doing but he stood there behind the podium and diplomatically put his hands on top of it. “Are you sure we need to do this?”
"Do you plan on telling your wife and family about your sobriety?”
“No. I don’t think I’m ready yet.”
“Then this is definitely necessary, especially given your dangerous occupation. I do this for cops as well, knowing they could die at any time in the line of duty.” Ben said as he worked on the focus of the camera. “This way if they pass away before they are able to sit down and have a talk with the ones they love, and I’m not trying to jinx you here bud, but I want a back up for your loved ones so you can let them know how well you’ve been doing and why you’re here.”
“All right, I guess that makes sense.” Hayden took a deep breath and then looked into the camera. “Liz, I guess it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who this is. The truth is I’m here because this is where I attend my meetings. I’m an alcoholic. When I was in my senior years in high school, I abused the bottle pretty bad and it resulted in the death of my friends. I wasn’t involved in the accident, but I couldn’t have stopped them from getting behind the wheel. Instead I ignored the dangers of what we were doing and they’re not here because I was too busy looking for my next shot. Despite my age, I realized that night that I was not in control and needed help. Even though I made an effort to get that help, I fell off the wagon a few times and went on some pretty nasty binges. My profession didn’t help as a lot of the scary stuff I saw drove me to drink a great deal, just to forget the images that were literally burned into my brain. It was a struggle to get through the week that was until I met you. Being there with you and spending time on each date gave me the reason to stay away from the bottle. I wanted to be sober so I could share and remember each great moment with you, and that is why I have this coin. Four years sober so far, and I hope to remain that way for a very, very long time.” Hayden paused for a moment, “Is that it?”
“No, it’s not.” Ben said from the background. “The only time this tape is going to see the light of day is if you prematurely kick the bucket. So being the rocket scientist I am… I think it’s a good idea to leave a message just in case this tape ever has to be used.”
“I never thought of it like that.” Hayden looked back at the camera. “Liz, if you are watching this it means I never had the courage to step up and tell you the truth. I’m sorry if this is the way you had to find out but that also means I’m not around anymore. I really hope this is one of those moments when you look at this have a ‘oh, look… Hayden still had hair on his head when this was made’ moment. If this tape is given out a lot earlier than that, I want to take a moment to apologize for bailing out a lot earlier than I should have. I love you so much but I hope that you have the strength and courage to move on without me and live the rest of your life to its fullest potential. Good bye Elizabeth; I’ll catch you on the flip side.”
Lizzy watched with tears in her eyes as she watched Hayden walk out of the camera’s line of site and the feed turned off. It was a hard video to watch, but she could now watch it anytime she wanted to hear Hayden talk to her. Over the next few weeks, she took the time to show it to members of Hayden’s family. His father had a hard time accepting the truth but appreciated seeing his boy speak one more time. When she thought more than enough people had seen it, she decided to put the tape away in a safe place. Lizzy walked over to Hayden’s dresser and decided to put the tape in the top drawer. When s
he opened the drawer, she noticed something really weird. There was a stuffed toy in there and she grabbed it and pulled it out. It was a bear, a very old one. It was brown but very dirty and hadn’t been washed in decades. That was likely because it had holes in its armpits and would have lost its stuffing if put in the machine. It was also missing a nose but was the cutest thing she had come across since she started going through all of Hayden’s stuff. She had a good laugh but then put the bear back in the drawer where Hayden obviously wanted to keep it before moving on to do more work on the list.