DUFFY (Shaking hands with Irving)
Bring back my daughter, Florabelle, safe and sound, Irving. That’s all I ask.
JED
And watch out for any people-creatures carryin’ chocolate syrup.
PECOS PETE
Waal, Irving, ole buddy, you’re ‘a goin’ inta the land’s of people – lots ‘a people. Be keerful. Don’t never let on you’re a grasshopper critter. I wish I could’ve done thes for yous, but mines eyesight is so bad it’all take me a year of Sundays.
IRVING
Farmer Gary … fellow grasshoppers – we will not only bring Florabelle back, we will also make enough money so we can go to Grasselrancho all together in our own bus.
The GRASSHOPPERS cheer as IRVING and AUNT LULU get into the Volkswagen. All wave as the car lurches forward, stops, backfires, then lurches forward and careens around the side of the butte.
Cut to: Interstate highway. The Volkswagen is swerving from lane to lane. Cars honk furiously as they edge cautiously past the Volkswagen.
AUNT LULU
You needed another lesson, Irving. Maybe another hundred lessons!
IRVING
Can be. This is even harder than it looks. Yet, the noblest quest I ever made is driving this car.
AUNT LULU
And you’re almost out of gas.
IRVING
How can you tell?
AUNT LULU
That little needle thing there.
IRVING
You’re absolutely right. You should be a scientist.
AUNT LULU
The only thing I know for now, I’m a very frightened grasshopper. We have to get gas – and that means we will have our first encounter with people-creatures.
IRVING
Second. If only all them creatures were nice as Farmer Gray, but I know they are not. Well, here goes.
AUNT LULU
Why can’t people-creatures be more like grasshoppers? We’re honest and kind and we’d never think of hurting anyone.
IRVING
Don’t expect blossoms from a tree with roots that are dead.
The Volkswagen pulls off on an exit ramp and stops at a small two-pump gas station. The ATTENDANT comes to the door of the station, scratches himself idly, then does a double-take when he sees AUNT LULU and IRVING in the Volkswagens.
IRVING (Whispers).
Here we go!
AUNT LULU
I’ll keep my eye closed so I don’t have to see how ugly it is.
IRVING
No, no, we must be alert. We have to get used to looking at their hideous faces.
AUNT LULU
But I want to throw up every time I see one!
IRVING
We’re on a mission, understand that. … But it would be nice to get as many people-creatures as possible into grasshopper costumes. You see, it’s obvious that they not only frighten us with their ghastly ugliness, they also frighten each other.
The ATTENDANT yells angrily to someone inside the station, and then ambles slowly to IRVING’S side of the car.
ATTENDANT
Hey! You two look just like grasshoppers. Wow! Looks real. Ain’t you kinds hot in them getups?
IRVING
Oh no! They’re quite cool and comfortable. Perhaps that’s because they fit so well. Isn’t that true Lulu?
ATTENDANT
I never seen nothing like it! You wanna know somethin’? Y’all look kinds sharp. I bet my kid would like to have an outfit like that.
IRVING
I’m sure it would make a child look much more attractive.
ATTENDANT
Hey! Whaddya mean by that crack? You never even seen my kid. He’ s a durn goodlookin’ … Hey, mebbe you’re right.
A ten-year-old BOY comes out of the station wearing ragged, torn jeans, filthy tee shirt. HE picks up a rock and throws it at the trailer.
ATTENDANT
Now Joey Bob, don’t you be chuckin’ rocks. What I say about thet?
BOY
I’ll chuck ‘em if I wanna!
ATTENDANT
Don’t push me boy! I’ll whale the livin’ daylights otta ya.
BOY
An’ I’ll tell Mom and she’ll cut ya like she done before.
BOY picks up another rock and bounces it off the trailer.
ATTENDANT (To IRVING and AUNT LULU)
I sure am sorry ‘bout this, folks. My wife gone ta Waxahachie ta set with her sick ma an’ I gotta keep the kid here with me. His momma spoiled him rotten.
BOY runs up to AUNT LULU’s window.
BOY
Hey! Where’d ya get the neat Halloween getup?
AUNT LULU (Covering her eyes with her hands).
We … we sell them.
BOY
Oh yeah? Hey, Pa! Buy me one’a them things.
ATTENDANT
Now, boy, it ain’t gonna be Halloween fer quite a spell.
BOY
So what! I don’t care. Buy me one or I’ll pump gas all over the place when you’re not lookin’ and put a match to it!
BOY holds a gas nozzle menacingly.
ATTENDANT
You promise to be good; stay inside and do your homework? Put down the durn hose, ya hear?
(To IRVING)
You got one’a them outfits his size?
IRVING
We certainly do!
ATTENDANT
How much ya getting’ fer one’a ‘em?
IRVING
Well, sir, because of the fine workmanship and the excellence of the materials … would three cents be too much?
ATTENDANT
That’s pretty durn funny.
BOY comes around and kicks the Attendant’s shin.
BOY
Come on, Pa! You see their license plate.
CU of Volkswagen’s license plate” “BUKZ 30.”
BOY (Cont’d)
They’re thirty bucks!
ATTENDANT (Rubbing his sore leg).
That’s a fair price, I reckon.
ATTENDANT peels off thirty dollars and hands it to IRVING. IRVING looks at the money, his mouth agape.
IRVING
Thirty-people-dollars?
ATTENDANT
Heck, them’s regular dollars! That’s whut ya want, ain’t it?
IRVING
Certainly. Well, does that amount seem fair and reasonable to you?
ATTENDANT
Sure, I guess. I would’a give ya fifty dollars! Them’s the best getups I ever seen in my life. Maybe I should get one fer the old lady?
ATTENDANT holds his dirty hand to his mouth and laughs.
IRVING
Okay then, you have a deal. Yes, indeed! You have a deal.
IRVING gets out of the Volkswagen, scurries back to the trailer, opens the rear door, rummages through a pile of costumes, takes out a small costume.
IRVING (Cont’d)
Here, sir, is the perfect size for your darling son.
BOY snatches it out of IRVING’s hands and runs toward station. Just before going into the station, HE scoops up a rock, throws it at ATTENDANT. ATTENDANT ducks just in time. BOY then disappears inside station.
ATTENDANT
I can’t do nuthin’ with that durn kid’a mine. His ma spoils him rotten.
IRVING
Perhaps he is just a miniature version of a typical member of your species.
ATTENDANT
What? I din’t understand.
IRVING (Flabbergasted that HE let the thought slip from his lips.)
Oh, I was merely ruminating! I mean, making a small joke.
ATTENDANT
Oh … well, I’ll go ahead and fill up your tank and check the oil and tires. You sure you got the kid the right size?
AUNT LULU
Are you kidding? He’d been out her already, barking like a mad dog if it didn’t fit!
Fade:
Fade in to: IRVING is paying ATTENDANT for the gas as BOY appears in the doorway for
the station, dressed in the grasshopper costume. IRVING, AUNT LULU sees BOY at the same time.
ATTENDANT
Well, ain’t that somethin’?
BOY walks/hops over to ATTENDANT
BOY
Hi, Dad. Do I look all right?
ATTENDANT
You’re sure enough one fine lookin’ grasshopper!
BOY
Thanks, Dad. Thanks for gettin’ me this.
ATTENDANT (Dumfounded by BOY’S altered character.)
Well … sure son, think nuthin’ of it. … I’m glad you like it.
BOY
I was thinking, Dad – I’ll bet if I was to stand out by the highway in this on, we could get a lot more people to buy gas.
ATTENDANT
Heck! I bet you’re right, son, and a lot more business. We can sure use that, all right!
BOY
Sure Pop!
ATTENDANT
That’s my son!
BOY runs/hops up to the side of the highway and begins waving his arms at passing cars.
ATTENDANT (Cont’d)
If that don’t beat all! The kid is actin’ almost human.
IRVING
Oh, no, sir! He’s acting almost like a grasshopper.
ATTENDANT
He’s ain’t gonna turn sissy on me, is he?
IRVING
Certainly not! He’s going to become what you would call a good son – and what I would call … a real gentleman grasshopper.
ATTENDANT
You sure got a funny way’a puttin’ things, mister, but durned iffen Joey Bob ain’t a whole lot different … I mean for the good.
IRVING
And now we must be going, my friend. We’re off to rescue a damsel in distress … so goodbye – and have a kindly day.
The Volkswagen pulls out of the station and back toward the highway, as the ATTENDANT looks after them, hand on hip, scratching his head, a puzzled expression on his face. Then ATTENDANT turns and looks toward BOY who is waving delightedly at passing cars. Several cars slow and pull off the exit ramp leading down toward the gas station. ATTENDANT turns back in the direction IRVING and AUNT LULU went and there is a beatific smile of supreme joy on his weathered face.
Cut to: Interior of Volkswagen.
IRVING
Now you see, I’m the world’s greatest grasshopper customer seller.
AUNT LULU
I agree with you, but I don’t understand these creatures at all. I just don’t understand what value they put on their money.
IRVING
Since people-creatures don’t value love or friendship or honesty or kindness, how can you expect them to value money? They don’t even seem to value life or for the planet Earth even. … You know – they seem more like takers with no value to the entire scheme of life.
AUNT LULU
If that is true, then they themselves have no true value.
IRVING
And so our mission takes on greater importance all the time. We will not only save Florabelle – perhaps we can also save a lot of people-creatures, too! … And make some friends along the way.
Fade.
Fade into: BILL’s Imperial parked in front of an inexpensive motel.
Cut to: It is a typical motel room – bland, insipid. Double beds that have obviously been slept in; a sleeping bag on the floor. BILL is sitting in the room’s only chair, smoking a cigarette, studying a road map. BARB is lounging on the side of the bed, examining her fingernails. A toilet flushes and MARY enters the room from the bathroom.
MARY
I’m hungry. Let’s go eat, or somethin’.
BILL
One more day and we’ll be home.
MARY
Well, let’s hurry up! I can’t wait to get back to civilization. If I see one more fat waitress or eat one more greasy hamburger, I’ll scream.
BARB
Don’t you think we should feed that thing in your truck?
BILL
Hell no! Insects can go for weeks without food, you should know that.