BARB
But I still feel kinda sorry for it.
MARY
You’re just stupid! And I’m hungry. Can’t we go now?
BILL
Yeah, but maybe I’d better throw some food in to it. I wonder what it eats? Grass, maybe.
BARB
And leaves. We can pull some leaves off a tree. And a pan of water.
BILL
Okay. But, I don’t want to give it too much ‘cause I sure don’t want it crapping allover the trunk.
MARY
You and that stupid, ugly car. You like it more than me.
BILL
You’re damn right. It never gives me a hard time.
MARY
Well, why don’t you marry it? You and that junk would make a lovely couple – two piles of …
BARB
I gonna get some leaves. When you two get through sticking knives into each other, join me.
BARB storms out of the room while MARY glares at BILL, her arms folded across her chest.
Fade.
Fade into: Volkswagen is driving down the main street of a medium-size town somewhere in the Midwest. IRVING is very nervous about the traffic and has a tendency to stop in the middle of the street, then inching forward. Pedestrians look astounded when they see AUNT LULU and IRVING in the Volkswagen, and many point to them and to the trailer. IRVING pulls into a loading zone in front of a department store.
CU Int. of Volkswagen.
IRVING
Now I shall put my finely honed sales technique to the supreme test.
AUNT LULU
Yes, and I’m very nervous, scared even. But if I keep my eyes closed how could I tell if one of those people-creatures is coming after us with a can of chocolate syrup in its hand?
IRVING
Keep your eyes open! Try not to throw up – especially inside the store. Oh, blessed are those who have no talent.
AUNT LULU
There are so many creatures! Look around; I’m afraid, like being caught in a horrible nightmare. They’re so gruesome. I’m dancing on a volcano.
IRVING
That’s why we must get as many of them into grasshopper costumes – and as quickly as possible. Think about what Florabelle is going through. Remember – no one conquers fear who doesn’t fight.
AUNT LULU began to cry.
IRVING
Stop, we are on a mission. Forget how ugly they are.
AUNT LULU
No wonder so many of them are shifty-eyed. They don’t even like to look at each other.
IRVING and AUNT LULU get out of the Volkswagen and enter the department store. There are few customers in the store; it is almost deserted. IRVING and AUNT LULU stand in the middle of the main aisle. Looking about for someone to help them. An extremely beautiful girl walks up behind AUNT LULU.
GIRL
May I help you?
AUNT LULU turns and looks at the GIRL – and the GIRL looks at AUNT LULU. Simultaneously they say, “Aaaggghh!!” and turn quickly aside, holding their hands over their mouths.
GIRL (Cont’d)
I’m sorry. You startled me. I just adore your costume. Where on earth did you ever find them?
IRVING
We manufacture and sell them.
GIRL
They’re fabulous. So realistic! Can I touch your wing?
IRVING
Certainly, my dear, if you promise not to lose control of yourself. You will notice that I can even make my wings move without moving my body.
IRVING flutters his wings.
GIRL
Wild! Listen, you two wait right here and I’ll get Jake. This is something he’s just gotta see.
GIRL runs down the aisle. IRVING winks at AUNT LULU, but AUNT LULU seems very nervous.
AUNT LULU
My stomach is queasy. I’m dancing on volcano. … That poor creature is so repugnant – so grotesque! Ugg! A monster. I feel so sorry for her.
IRVING
Remember it isn’t her fault. We must treat these poor, miserable, misshapen creatures with sympathy and tolerance.
AUNT LULU
Even after what they did to Florabelle?
IRVING
Certainly.
AUNT LULU
You’re right. It’s just that ---
IRVING pats her shoulder.
IRVING
Yes … I know.
GIRL and JAKE come down the aisle toward AUNT LULU and IRVING. GIRL is pointing at them and JAKE’s cigar almost falls out of his mouth.
GIRL
Aren’t those costumes totally awesome, Jake?
JAKE
Walking around IRVING and AUNT LULU, examining them from all sides.
Fascinating …
IRVING
We would like to speak with the owner of the store, please, sir.
JAKE
So what am I – chopped liver? I’m the owner! You were expecting maybe president of the United States?
IRVING
I beg your pardon, sir. How then …
JAKE
Wait! Turn around.
IRVING and AUNT LULU, obediently turn around, facing the front of the store. Several people have gathered at the window and are peering in at them. Two women enter the store and hurry up to IRVING and AUNT LULU.
FIRST WOMAN
Oh, my! How unusual. You look exactly like a katydid.
IRVING
A grasshopper, madam. I am a grasshopper.
FIRST WOMAN
Of course you are. I just love your costume. It’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. My husband and I are going to a masquerade party tomorrow night and we’re sure to win first prize wearing those.
SECOND WOMAN
Well, I think it would be fun to wear one to my bridge club. How much are they? Oh, never mind. I’m taking two and you can put them on my bill, Jake.
FIRST WOMAN
Yes, I’ll take two. You have our sizes, Mr. Weinstein. Make sure they have …
IRVING
You want you should try one on?
FIRST WOMAN
No! … Mr. Weinstein, just make sure to deliver them tonight.
SECOND WOMAN
Oh, I can hardly wait to see the expressions on the girls’ faces when I show up at Gladys’ house looking like a grasshopper.
The two WOMEN scurry out of the store, talking excitedly to each other, glancing back over their shoulders at IRVING and AUNT LULU just before they exit.
JAKE
So tell me, already – how much? And only because we sold three, don’t try to hustle me. I’m telling you – I’m doing here. Business is so bad, ho boy, you wouldn’t believe.
IRVING
Well, sir …
JAKE
I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do for you. I’ll take maybe a dozen, you give me your best price. Assorted sizes you got, am I right or wrong?
IRVING
You are absolutely right, sir.
JAKE
Green – the only color you got?
IRVING
So what is a grasshopper? Purple?
JAKE
So give me your dozen, best price, already.
IRVING
Well … it’s … it’s …
AUNT LULU
Thirty dollars. Each!
JAKE
Thirty dollars! Each? You’re killink me. You’re putting a knife in my heart. What am I – a Gates? Oy vey! Thirty dollars.
IRVING
If you think that’s too much …
JAKE
I’ll take it, I’ll take it. I’m no businessman! What do I know from business? You’re taking advantage, but all right, already. You’re putting me in the poor house. So bring in a dozen.
JAKE sees more and more of people looking in the window. Many of them are starting to come into the store and gather around AUNT LULU and IRVING.
JAKE (Cont’d)
So, make than two dozen!
/> A throng of people rush into the store and surround AUNT LULU and IRVING, taking animatedly about the grasshopper costumes.
JAKE (Cont’d)
Three dozen!
More people come in the store.
JAKE (Cont’d)
I’ll take a gross! So bring them in already! What are we doing here – putting on a free show? Bring the costumes in. We have sales to make!
IRVING and AUNT LULU push their way through the mob and rush out to the rear of the trailer.
IRVING
Only a super salesgrasshopper could have made such a big deal!
AUNT LULU
You are truly the greatest. Irving … Irving, all this is difficult to believe. What psychology you used. What subtle soft sell! I admire your style.
IRVING
To be honest, what I feel really good about is that I don’t feel worse. When it comes to selling – I’m the big deal!
Cut to: Imperial on interstate. BILL is driving, MARY in the middle, angry as usual. BARB is dozing by the passenger door.
BILL
Do you think it ate?
MARY
Who cares?
BILL
I do!
MARY
Big deal!
BILL
You don’t understand, do you? How am I gonna go on TV with it if it dies, will you tell me that?
MARY
I told you to buy a digital camera and record it. But would you listen to me? I should have never went on the stupid trip.
BILL
Get off my back, will ya? You know, you’re no bargain either!
MARY
You’ve got the brain of a six-year-old, and I bet he was glad to get rid if it. … Can’t we go any faster?
BILL
And burn up the engine? Hell no. I know what I’m doing.
MARY
How said?
Cut to: JAKE’s store. Several dozen people are buying grasshoppers costumes. JAKE and GIRL are ringing up sales as fast as they can.
JAKE
I’m a happy man. I know it won’t last – but right now I’m a happy, happy man! Thank you, thank you grasshoppers!
Cut to: Volkswagen on interstate. CU: IRVING and AUNT LULU.
IRVING
I wonder how far ahead of us Florabelle and the creature is?
AUNT LULU
Oh, I hope she’s all right.
IRVING
She must be scared to death. But I know she knows we’re coming after her. … I wonder how big a town New York City is?
AUNT LULU
I think it’s even bigger than Albuquerque.
IRVING
Oh, I doubt that. Nothing’s bigger than Albuquerque.