Cut to: Volkswagen in lower Manhattan, creeping slowly down a street. Honking horns, constant noise. There is loud popping sound as one of the Volkswagen’s tires blows out. IRVING steers the car and trailer to curb – right in front of a police station.
CU of flat tire.
CU Int. of car.
IRVING
This is terrible. There was a bang and then something went wrong with the car.
AUNT LULU
I think we have a problem.
IRVING
Of course. What else could it be? You are a mechanical genius.
A POLICEMAN comes out of the station, glances at trailer, then bends down to speak through the car window to AUNT LULU and IRVING.
POLICEMAN
What do we have here? Would I be too far off the mark if I said a couple of kooks?
AUNT LULU turns away from POLICEMAN’S face with revulsion, puts her hand over her mouth, and gags.
POLICEMAN (Cont’d)
What’s up?
IRVING
I think she’s feeling sick.
POLICEMAN
Oh yeah?
IRVING
Nothing serious, I assure you. It’s just that she thanks you are very ugly, and a bit too fat even.
POLICEMAN
Oh yeah!
IRVING
In fact, she thinks you are so ugly, she may vomit.
POLICEMAN
Listen, you two, I ought ‘a run the both of you in for bein’ disrespectful to an officer of the law.
IRVING
Is that a crime? … Oh, we don’t disrespect you, sir. We just think you are extremely grotesque and ugly.
POLICEMAN
All right! That’s it! Get otta the car! I’m gonna charge you with illegal parking and … and whatever I can think of – and wearin’ a grasshopper costumes outta season.
IRVING
That’s a crime?
POLICEMAN
You ever heard of Home Land Security? You may be terrorists in disguise.
POLICEMAN yanks AUNT LULU’s door open, grabs her arm, and pulls her out of the car. IRVING opens his door and gets out awkwardly.
POLICEMAN
Okay, let’s see some ID.
IRVING
You don’t have to spell, sir. We know that I D spells “id.” But it will be hard to show it to you.
POLICEMAN
Your driver’s license will do, wise guy. And registration of all this shit.
IRVING
If you’re talking about some kind of permit needed to drive a car, I don’t need one because I don’t really know how to drive.
POLICEMAN
Okay, that’s it! You two clowns take off your Halloween get-ups and let’s see who you are. And I mean, do it now!
Cut to: Biology Lab. FLORABELLE has been stretched out on a long lab table. PROFESSOR MARTIN is slouched in a chair, slowly regaining his wits. BILL is fanning him with a piece of paper.
BILL
I’m tellin’ you, Prof, this is the real deal! A talking grasshopper. Yeah, a talking grasshopper.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
I must examine the creature at once. Have you told anyone about this, Fairweather?
BILL
No! Only me, Mary and Barb know about it.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Excellent! We don’t want anything leaking to the press until I complete my preliminary examination. If only Dr, Wolfgang Schicklegruber were alive to see this.
PROFESSOR MARTIN staggers to his feet, goes to a cabinet, takes out a large scalpel. His eyes become glazed, his demeanor almost maniacal.
PROFESSOR MARTIN (Cont’d)
I need a two-inch square for a full DNA sequence.
Cut to: IRVING, AUNT LULU and POLICEMAN, still standing in front of the Police Station.
POLICEMAN
All right, you two – get them masks off!
IRVING
Instead of taking ours off, you should try putting one on. Let me show you …
AUNT LULU
Ah-oh!
IRVING reaches into back seat of Volkswagen and brings out the head of a grasshopper costume.
POLICEMAN
What are you a wise guy? I ain’t puttin’ that thing on! Yous’re terrorists.
POLICEMAN unsnaps his holster, his hand on his revolver.
IRVING (voice is soft, melodic, soothing)
I’ll just put it on your head …
POLICEMAN seems frozen. IRVING removes his cap, places the grasshopper head on POLICEMAN.
AUNT LULU
Thank goodness. Now I can look at him without getting sick. He’s absolutely beautiful.
POLICEMAN
Say, you folks seem to have a little problem with one of your tires. Why don’t I flag a cab so you can go to a nice restaurant and get a good meal? Meanwhile, I’ll get some of the boys to help me change your tire.
IRVING
You’re very kind, sir.
POLICEMAN
Isn’t everybody supposed to be kind and friendly?
POLICEMAN step into the street, flags a cab that pulls over to the curb just in front of the Volkswagen.
POLICEMAN (To the cab driver)
Take these good folks to a best restaurant, pal. And treat’em good! They’re guests in our fair city.
CAB DRIVER
What’s this a joke?
POLICEMAN
Relax Mack!
POLICEMAN opens the cab door for IRVING and AUNT LULU, who, not quite understanding what is happening, get into the cab.
POLICEMAN (Cont’d)
Wait a minute you two! You didn’t think I was just gonna let yous drive off, did you? Stay right where you are.
Cut to: Biology Lab. BILL has grabbed PROFESSOR MARTIN’s hand.
BILL
Wait a minute, Prof! If you start cutting into it, you’ll kill it – and then it won’t be able to talk, which means it won’t be able to make me … us rich.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Not to worry; a sample right here won’t be a problem, Fairweather. Perhaps you should try nourishing the creature.
BILL
Water right?
Cut to: Police Station. POLICEMAN rushes into the station, returns an instant later holding two cans of Coke. HE thrusts them through the rear window of the cab into IRVING’s hand.
POLICEMAN
It’s a warm day and I thought you folks might like a cool drink. We’ll have your car ready in an hour. See you then.
IRVING (To CAB DRIVER)
Wait!
IRVING jumps out of the cab, grabs several grasshopper masks from the rear seat of the Volkswagen, gets back in cab.
IRVING (To AUNT LULU)
We can’t eat in a restaurant unless the waiters wear grasshopper masks. Otherwise, we’d both get sick.
CAB DRIVER is yelling at other drivers and pedestrians as HE threads his way up a narrow street. HE is shouting, cursing.
CAB DRIVER
The friggin’ people in this friggin’ town are all friggin’ lunatics! Look at that friggin’ jerk.
CAB DRIVER points to a pedestrian jaywalking half a block ahead.
CAB DRIVER (Cont’d)
If that friggin’ idiot don’t get outta my way I’m gonna run him friggin’ over.
The taxi misses the pedestrian by inches. CAB DRIVER screeches to a stop, rolls down his window, and begins cursing the pedestrian.
CAB DRIVER (Cont’d)
Hey, schmuck! Are you friggin’ blind or friggin’ stupid?
PEDESTRIAN
Up yours! Shove it where the sun don’t shine.
IRVING
Violent creatures, aren’t they?
AUNT LULU
If I was as ugly as they are, I’d be violent, too!
IRVING
No you wouldn’t, Lulu. You know perfectly well nothing can ever make us violent.
CAB DRIVER
I ought‘a get out and give ya a knuckle sand
wich!
PEDESTRIAN
I’m gonna remember your face, asshole, and someday I’m gonna see you when I ain’t in a hurry.
IRVING
Oh, dear! I think perhaps we’d better provide our driver with a disguise.
IRVING jumps out of the cab holding a grasshopper mask. HE reaches through the driver’s window and slips the mask on the CAB DRIVER’s head, then he returns quickly to the rear seat.
PEDESTRIAN
Wearin’ a goofy mask ain’t gonna help you, pal. I got your kisser etched in my memory!
CAB DRIVER
I apologize for losing my temper, sir. There is absolutely no excuse for my behavior. Here – take one of my cards. You can have a free ride with me anytime you wish.
PEDESTRIAN (Taking the card.)
Hey, what is this? You puttin’ me on or what?
CAB DRIVER
No, I’m only trying to show you how sorry I am for being so rude. Will you accept my apology?
PEDESTRIAN
Yeah, well – sure. Hell, you can’t stay mad at a guy that looks like a grasshopper!
CAB DRIVER
Thank you, sir! And have a friendly day.
CAB DRIVER pulls away from a very puzzled PEDESTRIAN.
CD: IRVING and AUNT LULU.
CAB DRIVER
Sorry for the delay, folks. It won’t happen again.
IRVING (To AUNT LULU.)
The more I’m around people-creatures, the more I feel sorry for them.
AUNT LULU
I had no idea they are so primitive.
IRVING
Oh yes. People-creatures are tool-using animals, without tools they’re nothing.