‘You have certainly been left to yourself for a season,’ returned he, ‘having gone on rather like a person in a delirium than a Christian in his sober sense. You are accused of having made away with your mother privately; as also of the death of a beautiful young lady, whose affections you had seduced.’
‘It is an intolerable and monstrous falsehood!’ cried I, interrupting him. ‘I never laid a hand on a woman to take away her life, and have even shunned their society from my childhood. I know nothing of my mother’s exit, nor of that young lady’s whom you mention. Nothing whatever.’
‘I hope it is so,’ said he. ‘But it seems there are some strong presumptuous proofs against you, and I came to warn you this day that a precognition is in progress, and that unless you are perfectly convinced, not only of your innocence but of your ability to prove it, it will be the safest course for you to abscond, and let the trial go on without you.’
‘Never shall it be said that I shrunk from such a trial as this,’ said I. ‘It would give grounds for suspicions of guilt that never had existence, even in thought. I will go and show myself in every public place, that no slanderous tongue may wag against me. I have shed the blood of sinners, but of these deaths I am guiltless; therefore I will face every tribunal, and put all my accusers down.’
‘Asseveration will avail you but little,’ answered he, composedly. ‘It is, however, justifiable in its place, although to me it signifies nothing, who know too well that you did commit both crimes, in your own person, and with your own hands. Far be it from me to betray you; indeed, I would rather endeavour to palliate the offences; for, though adverse to nature, I can prove them not to be so to the cause of pure Christianity, by the mode of which we have approved of it, and which we wish to promulgate.’
‘If this that you tell me be true,’ said I, ‘then is it as true that I have two souls, which take possession of my bodily frame by turns, the one being all unconscious of what the other performs; for as sure as I have at this moment a spirit within me, fashioned and destined to eternal felicity, as sure am I utterly ignorant of the crimes you now lay to my charge.’
‘Your supposition may be true in effect,’ said he. ‘We are all subjected to two distinct natures in the same person. I myself have suffered grievously in that way. The spirit that now directs my energies is not that with which I was endowed at my creation. It is changed within me, and so is my whole nature. My former days were those of grandeur and felicity. But, would you believe it? I was not then a Christian. Now I am. I have been converted to its truths by passing through the fire, and, since my final conversion, my misery has been extreme. You complain that I have not been able to render you more happy than you were. Alas! do you expect it in the difficult and exterminating career which you have begun? I, however, promise you this — a portion of the only happiness which I enjoy, sublime in its motions, and splendid in its attainments — I will place you on the right hand of my throne, and show you the grandeur of my domains, and the felicity of my millions of true professors.’
I was once more humbled before this mighty potentate, and promised to be ruled wholly by his directions, although at that moment my nature shrunk from the concessions, and my soul longed rather to be inclosed in the deeps of the sea, or involved once more in utter oblivion. I was like Daniel in the den of lions, without his faith in Divine support, and wholly at their mercy. I felt as one round whose body a deadly snake is twisted, which continues to hold him in its fangs, without injuring him, further than in moving its scaly infernal folds with exulting delight, to let its victim feel to whose power he has subjected himself; and thus did I for a space drag an existence from day to day, in utter weariness and helplessness; at one time worshipping with great fervour of spirit, and at other times so wholly left to myself as to work all manner of vices and follies with greediness. In these my enlightened friend never accompanied me, but I always observed that he was the first to lead me to every one of them, and then leave me in the lurch. The next day, after these my fallings off, he never failed to reprove me gently, blaming me for my venial transgressions; but then he had the art of reconciling all, by reverting to my justified and infallible state, which I found to prove a delightful healing salve for every sore.
But, of all my troubles, this was the chief: I was every day and every hour assailed with accusations of deeds of which I was wholly ignorant; of acts of cruelty, injustice, defamation, and deceit; of pieces of business which I could not be made to comprehend; with lawsuits, details, arrestments of judgment, and a thousand interminable quibbles from the mouth of my loquacious and conceited attorney. So miserable was my life rendered by these continued attacks that I was often obliged to lock myself up for days together, never seeing any person save my man Samuel Scrape, who was a very honest blunt fellow, a staunch Cameronian, but withal very little conversant in religious matters. He said he came from a place called Penpunt, which I thought a name so ludicrous that I called him by the name of his native village, an appellation of which he was very proud, and answered everything with more civility and perspicuity when I denominated him Penpunt, than Samuel, his own Christian name. Of this peasant was I obliged to make a companion on sundry occasions, and strange indeed were the details which he gave me concerning myself, and the ideas of the country people concerning me. I took down a few of these in writing, to put off the time, and here leave them on record to show how the best and greatest actions are misconstrued among sinful and ignorant men:
‘You say, Samuel, that I hired you myself — that I have been a good enough master to you, and have paid you your weekly wages punctually. Now, how is it that you say this, knowing, as you do, that I never hired you, and never paid you a sixpence of wages in the whole course of my life, excepting this last month?’
‘Ye may as weel say, master, that water’s no water, or that stanes are no stanes. But that’s just your gate, an’ it’s a great pity aye to do a thing an’ profess the clean contrair. Weel then, since you havena paid me ony wages, an’ I can prove day and date when I was hired, an’ came hame to your service, will you be sae kind as to pay me now? That’s the best way o’ curing a man o’ the mortal disease o’ leasing-making that I ken o’.’
‘I should think that Penpunt and Cameronian principles would not admit of a man taking twice payment for the same article.’
‘In sic a case as this, sir, it disna hinge upon principles, but a piece o’ good manners; an’ I can tell you that, at sic a crisis, a Cameronian is a gay-an weel-bred man. He’s driven to this, and he maun either make a breach in his friend’s good name, or in his purse; an’ Oh, sir, whilk o’ thae, think you, is the most precious? For instance, an a Galloway drover had corned to the town o’ Penpunt, an’ said to a Cameronian (the folk’s a’ Cameronians there), “Sir, I want to buy your cow,” “Vera weel,” says the Cameronian, “I just want to sell the cow, sae gie me twanty punds Scots, an’ take her w’ ye.” It’s a bargain. The drover takes away the cow, an’ gies the Cameronian his twanty pund Scots. But after that, he meets him again on the white sands, amang a’ the drovers an’ dealers o’ the land, an’ the Gallowayman, he says to the Cameronian, afore a’ thae witnesses, “Come, Master Whiggam, I hae never paid you for yon bit useless cow that I bought. I’ll pay her the day, but you maun mind the luck-penny; there’s muckle need for ‘t” — or something to that purpose. The Cameronian then turns out to be a civil man, an’ canna bide to make the man baith a feele an’ liar at the same time, afore a’ his associates; an’ therefore he pits his principles aff at the side, to be a kind o’ sleepin’ partner, as it war, an’ brings up his good breeding to stand at the counter: he pockets the money, gies the Galloway drover time o’ day, an’ comes his way. An’ wha’s to blame? Man mind yoursel is the first commandment. A Cameronian’s principles never came atween him an’ his purse, nor sanna in the present case; for, as I canna bide to make you out a leear, I’ll thank you for my wages.’
‘Well, you shall have them, Samuel, if you dec
lare to me that I hired you myself in this same person, and bargained with you with this same tongue and voice with which I speak to you just now.’
‘That I do declare, unless ye hae twa persons o’ the same appearance, and twa tongues to the same voice. But, ’od saif us, sir, do you ken what the auld wives o’ the clachan say about you?’
‘How should I, when no one repeats it to me?’
‘Oo, I trow it’s a’ stuff — folk shouldna heed what’s said by auld crazy kimmers. But there are some o’ them weel ken’d for witches, too; an’ they say, “Lord have a care o’ us!” They say the deil’s often seen gaun sidie for sidie w’ ye, whiles in ae shape, an’ whiles in another. An’ they say that he whiles takes your ain shape, or else enters into you, and then you turn a deil yoursel.’
I was so astounded at this terrible idea that had gone abroad, regarding my fellowship with the Prince of Darkness, that I could make no answer to the fellow’s information, but sat like one in a stupor; and if it had not been for my well-founded faith, and conviction that I was a chosen and elected one before the world was made, I should at that moment have given in to the popular belief, and fallen into the sin of despondency; but I was preserved from such a fatal error by an inward and unseen supporter. Still the insinuation was so like what I felt myself that I was greatly awed and confounded.
The poor fellow observed this, and tried to do away the impression by some further sage remarks of his own.
‘Hout, dear sir, it is balderdash, there’s nae doubt o’t. It is the crownhead o’ absurdity to tak in the havers o’ auld wives for gospel. I told them that my master was a peeous man, an’ a sensible man; an’, for praying, that he could ding auld Macmillan himsel. “Sae could the deil,” they said, “when he liket, either at preaching or praying, if these war to answer his ain ends.” “Na, na,” says I, “but he’s a strick believer in a’ the truths o’ Christianity, my master.” They said, sae was Satan, for that he was the firmest believer in a’ the truths of Christianity that was out o’ Heaven; an’ that, sin’ the Revolution that the Gospel had turned sae rife, he had been often driven to the shift o’ preaching it himsel, for the purpose o’ getting some wrang tenets introduced into it, and thereby turning it into blasphemy and ridicule.’
I confess, to my shame, that I was so overcome by this jumble of nonsense that a chillness came over me, and, in spite of all my efforts to shake off the impression it had made, I fell into a faint. Samuel soon brought me to myself, and, after a deep draught of wine and water, I was greatly revived, and felt my spirit rise above the sphere of vulgar conceptions and the restrained views of unregenerate men. The shrewd but loquacious fellow, perceiving this, tried to make some amends for the pain he had occasioned to me by the following story, which I noted down, and which was brought on by a conversation to the following purport:
‘Now, Penpunt, you may tell me all that passed between you and the wives of the clachan. I am better of that stomach qualm, with which I am sometimes seized, and shall be much amused by hearing the sentiments of noted witches regarding myself and my connections.’
‘Weel, you see, sir, I says to them, “It will be lang afore the deil intermeddle wi’ as serious a professor, and as fervent a prayer as my master, for, gin he gets the upper hand o’ sickan men, wha’s to be safe?” An’, what think ye they said, sir? There was ane Lucky Shaw set up her lang lantern chafts, an’ answered me, an’ a’ the rest shanned and noddit in assent an’ approbation: “Ye silly, sauchless, Cameronian cuif!” quo she, “is that a’ that ye ken about the wiles and doings o’ the Prince o’ the Air, that rules an’ works in the bairns of disobedience? Gin ever he observes a proud professor, wha has mae than ordinary pretensions to a divine calling, and that reards and prays till the very howlets learn his preambles, that’s the man Auld Simmie fixes on to mak a dishclout o’. He canna get rest in Hell, if he sees a man, or a set of men o’ this stamp, an, when he sets fairly to work, it is seldom that he disna bring them round till his ain measures by hook or by crook. Then, Oh! it is a grand prize for him, an’ a proud Deil he is, when he gangs hame to his ain ha’, wi’ a batch o’ the souls o’ sic strenuous professors on his back. Aye, I trow, auld Ingleby, the Liverpool packman, never came up Glasco street wi’ prouder pomp when he had ten horse-laids afore him o’ Flanders lace, an’ Hollin lawn, an’ silks an’ satins frae the eastern Indians, than Satan wad strodge into Hell with a packlaid o’ the souls o’ proud professors on his braid shoulders. Ha, ha, ha! I think I see how the auld thief wad be gaun through his gizened dominions, crying his wares, in derision, ‘Wha will buy a fresh, cauler divine, a bouzy bishop, a fasting zealot, or a piping priest?’ For a’ their prayers an’ their praises, their aumuses, an’ their penances, their whinings, their howlings, their rantings, an’ their ravings, here they come at last! Behold the end! Here go the rare and precious wares! A fat professor for a bodle, an’ a lean ane for half a merk!” I declare I trembled at the auld hag’s ravings, but the lave o’ the kimmers applauded the sayings as sacred truths. An’ then Lucky went on: “There are many wolves in sheep’s claithing, among us, my man; mony deils aneath the masks o’ zealous professors, roaming about in kirks and meeting-houses o’ the land. It was but the year afore the last that the people o’ the town o’ Auchtermuchty grew so rigidly righteous that the meanest hind among them became a shining light in ither towns an’ parishes. There was naught to be heard, neither night nor day, but preaching, praying, argumentation, an’ catechising in a’ the famous town o’ Auchtermuchty. The young men wooed their sweethearts out o’ the Song o’ Solomon, an’ the girls returned answers in strings o’ verses out o’ the Psalms. At the lint-swinglings, they said questions round; and read chapters, and sang hymns at bridals; auld and young prayed in their dreams, an’ prophesied in their sleep, till the deils in the farrest nooks o’ Hell were alarmed, and moved to commotion. Gin it hadna been an auld carl, Robin Ruthven, Auchtermuchty wad at that time hae been ruined and lost for ever. But Robin was a cunning man, an’ had rather mae wits than his ain, for he had been in the hands o’ the fairies when he was young, an’ a’ kinds o’ spirits were visible to his een, an’ their language as familiar to him as his ain mother tongue. Robin was sitting on the side o’ the West Lowmond, ae still gloomy night in September, when he saw a bridal o’ corbie craws coming east the lift, just on the edge o’ the gloaming. The moment that Robin saw them, he kenned, by their movements, that they were craws o’ some ither warld than this; so he signed himself, and crap into the middle o’ his bourock. The corbie craws came a’ an’ sat down round about him, an’ they poukit their black sooty wings, an’ spread them out to the breeze to cool; and Robin heard ae corbie speaking, an’ another answering him; and the tane said to the tither: ‘Where will the ravens find a prey the night?’ ‘On the lean crazy souls o’ Auchtermuchty,’ quo the tither. ‘I fear they will be o’er weel wrappit up in the warm flannens o’ faith, an clouted wi’ the dirty duds o’ repentance, for us to mak a meal o’,’ quo the first. ‘Whaten vile sounds are these that I hear coming bumming up the hill?’ ‘Oh, these are the hymns and praises o’ the auld wives and creeshy louns o’ Auchtermuchty, wha are gaun crooning their way to Heaven; an’, gin it warna for the shame o’ being beat, we might let our great enemy tak them. For sic a prize as he will hae! Heaven, forsooth! What shall we think o’ Heaven, if it is to be filled wi’ vermin like thae, amang whom there is mair poverty and pollution than I can name.’ ‘No matter for that,’ said the first, ‘we cannot have our power set at defiance; though we should put them on the thief’s hole, we must catch them, and catch them with their own bait, too. Come all to church tomorrow, and I’ll let you hear how I’ll gull the saints of Auchtermuchty. In the meantime, there is a feast on the Sidlaw hills tonight, below the hill of Macbeth — Mount, Diabolus, and fly.’ Then, with loud croaking and crowing, the bridal of corbies again scaled the dusky air, and left Robin Ruthven in the middle of his cairn.
‘ “The next day the congreg
ation met in the kirk of Auchtermuchty, but the minister made not his appearance. The elders ran out and in, making inquiries; but they could learn nothing, save that the minister was missing. They ordered the clerk to sing a part of the 119th Psalm, until they saw if the minister would cast up. The clerk did as he was ordered, and, by the time he reached the 77th verse, a strange divine entered the church, by the western door, and advanced solemnly up to the pulpit. The eyes of all the congregation were riveted on the sublime stranger, who was clothed in a robe of black sackcloth, that flowed all around him, and trailed far behind, and they weened him an angel, come to exhort them, in disguise. He read out his text from the Prophecies of Ezekiel, which consisted of these singular words: ‘I will overturn, overturn, overturn it; and it shall be no more, until he come, whose right it is, and I will give it him.’
‘ “From these words he preached such a sermon as never was heard by human ears, at least never by ears of Auchtermuchty. It was a true, sterling, gospel sermon — it was striking, sublime, and awful in the extreme. He finally made out the IT, mentioned in the text, to mean, properly and positively, the notable town of Auchtermuchty. He proved all the people in it, to their perfect satisfaction, to be in the gall of bitterness and bond of iniquity, and he assured them that God would overturn them, their principles, and professions; and that they should be no more, until the Devil, the town’s greatest enemy, came, and then it should be given unto him for a prey, for it was his right, and to him it belonged, if there was not forthwith a radical change made in all their opinions and modes of worship.
‘ “The inhabitants of Auchtermuchty were electrified — they were charmed; they were actually raving mad about the grand and sublime truths delivered to them by this eloquent and impressive preacher of Christianity. ‘He is a prophet of the Lord,’ said one, ‘sent to warn us, as Jonah was sent to the Ninevites.’ ‘Oh, he is an angel sent from Heaven, to instruct this great city,’ said another, ‘for no man ever uttered truths so sublime before.’ The good people of Auchtermuchty were in perfect raptures with the preacher, who had thus sent them to Hell by the slump, tag-rag, and bobtail! Nothing in the world delights a truly religious people so much as consigning them to eternal damnation. They wandered after the preacher — they crowded together, and spoke of his sermon with admiration, and still, as they conversed, the wonder and the admiration increased; so that honest Robin Ruthven’s words would not be listened to. It was in vain that he told them he heard a raven speaking, and another raven answering him: the people laughed him to scorn, and kicked him out of their assemblies, as a one who spoke evil of dignities; and they called him a warlock, an’ a daft body, to think to mak language out o’ the crouping o’ craws.