I looked down to see that Daemon was clenching and unclenching his fists. He was quiet for a moment, but then immediately began moving towards the bedroom door. When he reached the door, his hand gripped the handle, but he paused. He continued training his gaze away from me when he said, “In time, Damsel, you will know everything. But not here, and not now.”
I’d reached a boiling point. This was so unfair! “Well, then, fuck you, Daemon. From now on, don’t fucking ask another thing from me until you are ready to give up information about yourself. This entire situation is so ridiculously one sided. I don’t understand how you can’t see that. All I want is to know you, to fall in love with you…”
His head fell at those words and I thought I’d finally gotten to him; but no, he simply pushed the handle on the door and let himself out of the bedroom. He closed the door behind him and when I heard the little click of the latch catching, I threw myself down on the bed and smacked at the tears that were pricking at my eyes. I was so sick and tired of being left in the dark with him. My body rolled over into a semi-fetal position and I screamed into the mattress, letting out all of my frustrations. I had no idea why I was crying and why his refusal was affecting me as much as it was, but I didn’t stop letting it all out. I needed the torrent of emotions to leave my body and my mind. I felt like a small child throwing a fit, but it didn’t matter. All of this was too much for me; Chris, Daemon, Annie, the investigation, my ‘captivity’, all of it! I cried until my eyes burned from the lack of moisture left to form tears. When my body started to calm, I stared at the walls, absolutely absorbed in feeling sorry for myself, for the loss of my control, for the chaotic state that my life had become. I’m not sure when my body grew tired enough to fall into sleep, but it did, and I was soon wrapped in a blanket of slumber so deep, memories that were better left unknown, started to resurface.
~
It was a hot summer day at the Center. As usual, I was outside playing in the backyard, chasing butterflies that flittered about the wildflowers spread throughout the grassy fields. Even though it was early morning, the sun was already beating down on my small body and my skin was sticky from perspiration. I was playing by myself this morning because Buddy had to take part in another group session with the other children. He had been at the Center for a month now and, normally, he was the best friend I could ever have. But on days like this, when he had to sit down and talk to people about his life before he got here, I’d learned to avoid him as best I could. He always returned from those sessions full of anger. At first, I thought his anger was directed at me, but then I saw him yelling at another kid in the playroom and I realized he was just angry in general.
On this particular day, I was hiding out amongst the grasses hoping that if he came looking for me, I would be hidden in the yard and he would go somewhere else so I didn’t have to deal with him. I loved Buddy with all my heart, but I didn’t know how to help him when he was mad. I’d asked Momma about what to do, and Momma just told me to be understanding, that he was going through a lot for such a young age. I tried to be understanding like Momma asked, but on days like this, Buddy would sometimes hurt me without meaning to. He always apologized after hurting me, and would tend to any scrapes or other wounds that he caused, but it wasn’t enough that he said he was sorry. It always hurt not only my body, but my feelings when he struck out at me.
Buddy’s behavior only grew worse over the weeks that he was here and I wanted to tell Momma about what he was doing. I didn’t though because I was afraid to get Buddy in trouble. I was afraid Momma would tell me I wasn’t allowed to play with him any longer and that would break my heart more than anything he could do to me.
While I was chasing a large orange butterfly through the grasses, I heard the back door slam open and then closed. I hunched down to the ground and the grasses and weeds tickled at my legs as I attempted to see who had come outside. Buddy walked around the large camphor trees by the back door and I quickly glanced around to see if there was somewhere better that I could hide. I wasn’t ‘afraid’ of Buddy, but I didn’t feel like dealing with his sour attitude either.
I crouched lower in the grasses and my knees ground into the dirt. I could feel small pebbles digging into my skin, but I didn’t dare move in case Buddy saw me. I should have known he would be smart enough to climb one of the camphor trees to look out over the yard. The branches of those trees were thick enough that he could go pretty high without having to worry about the limbs not holding his weight. When Buddy spotted me his hand went to his mouth as he called out.
“Why are you hiding, Paige? Didn’t you know that I would just find you? We hide in the grass together all the time. It’s not like I wouldn’t think to look for you.”
My breath came up out in a huff, and I was so close to the ground that dust billowed up from the release of air. Some of the dust got in my face and it caused my eyes to water. I pushed myself up from the ground and rubbed at my eyes to try and remove the dust particles. While I was momentarily blinded, Buddy climbed down from the tree and ran over to where I was kneeling. When he approached me, I pulled my hands away from my eyes to find an angry scowl plastered across his face. His little brows were furrowed down the middle and his stare gave away the fact that he was directing his anger at me.
I pushed myself up into a standing position but kept my distance from Buddy. He took a step towards me and, instinctually, I took a step back to maintain the space between us.
“So, why you hiding, Paige? Did I do something to upset you? Are you mad that you couldn’t be part of group today? ‘Cause you shouldn’t be. That group is boring and they make you talk about stuff, and I HATE it.”
His pace picked up as he was talking and eventually he caught up to me. My little legs were shaking, but I stood my ground. If I showed any fear or tried to run away, he would just follow me and do something to make me cry.
I held his stare as I said, “I wasn’t hiding, Buddy. I was looking for bugs in the grass and chasing butterflies. And I don’t care that I don’t get to be in the group. Momma explained that it’s not for me. I’m sorry that you have to go. You’re always mean when you get back from there.” I crossed my little arms over my chest and glared at him. His face softened and his mouth curled up into a slight grin.
“Don’t call me mean, Paige. I’m the best friend you have. It’s not nice to say bad things about me. Now come on, let’s go climb trees. I bet I can go higher than you today.
I eyed him suspiciously, but then shrugged my shoulders and followed him over to the trees. As usual, Buddy climbed up first and reached down to pull me into the apex of the tree branches. We went our separate directions to see who could go higher. I was smaller than Buddy and I was able to climb the thinner branches at the top better than he could. When I had reached the highest point I could, I looked down at Buddy to find him once again scowling at me.
“Ha! I beat you, Buddy. It has to be embarrassing to be beat by a girl!” I stuck my tongue out at him and started my climb back down. Buddy started climbing down on his side as well and eventually made his way over to the low lying branch where we usually hung out most days. I continued gloating about having won the climbing contest and Buddy crossed his arms over his chest.
“Shut up, Paige. You only won because you’re smaller. It doesn’t make you any better than me.” His face started turning red with his anger and I stop my gloating when I noticed.
I turned to him and put my hand on his shoulder to apologize when he suddenly struck out at me and pushed me backwards. I lost my balance on the branch from the hit and the backs of my legs scraped against the rough bark as I fell off. My body hit the ground with a painful thump and the breath was knocked out of me. I panicked when I couldn’t breathe and I my eyes opened to see Buddy looking down from the branch.
“Paige!” Buddy quickly climbed down from the tree and ran over to me. I continued struggling for air and I was starting to breath in small gasps. I could feel blood seeping from th
e scrapes on my legs. Buddy went down on both knees and started pulling me by the shoulders into a sitting position. Once I was upright, my breathing became easier while tears flowed from my eyes from the shock. The back of my legs stung and I bent my knees to pull my legs up to my chest. I reached down to inspect the back of my legs and when I pulled my hand back it was stained pink from the bleeding.
Buddy looked at my hand and then quickly ran into The Center. He came running out a few minutes later with the first aid kit and a damp cloth. He rolled me over when he reached me and started wiping the dirt and blood from my legs. He applied antiseptic and bandages to the scrapes and stood up. His hand came down to pull me into a standing position.
My eyes wouldn’t stop watering and Buddy’s face went from concerned to angry again. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me back and forth, causing me to cry harder. “The bandage is on, Paige, you can stop crying now.”
His hand came up and slapped across my face. My skin burned from where he had struck me and I started to cry harder. Buddy’s face dropped and he quickly pulled me into a hug. “I’m sorry, Paige. I’m sorry. Please stop crying. I don’t know why I did that. You were making me mad, and I wanted you to stop crying…I’m sorry…please stop crying.”
I jerked away from Buddy and wiped at my tears. I was embarrassed, and mad, and hurting and the fact that he was apologizing didn’t make it any better. My face stung and my legs hurt and all I wanted was to run as far away from him as I could. I turned my little body away from him and tried to stop crying. I could feel him come up behind me and I flinched when his arms came around to pull me into another hug.
“I’m sorry, Paige. Please forgive me. I was just mad. I just get SO mad sometimes and I do things and I’m sorry. Please…please, stop crying. Please?”
I tried to pull from his embrace but he held me to him. The back door flew open and Momma gasped when she saw us. Buddy pulled me closer to whisper in my ear.
“Please don’t say anything, Paige. Please? I don’t want to get in trouble with your Momma and if you say something, she won’t let me play with you anymore. You’re my best friend, Paige. You can’t say anything.” His voice was panicked and he was speaking so fast, I could barely understand what he was saying to me.
Momma ran up to us and pulled me from Buddy when she saw my face. “Paige? Baby? What happened? Why is your face red?” She turned me around to inspect me and noticed the scrapes along the backs of my legs. She gasped again and then turned me back to face her. “Paige, tell me what happened.” Momma’s voice was stern and her eyes flicked to Buddy quickly before returning to my face.
I couldn’t look her in the eyes and lie to her, so I looked at the ground. “Nothing, Momma. Nothing happened. Well…I fell while I was climbing and it scraped up my legs, but that’s all. I cried because it hurt.”
Momma’s finger reached over and she lifted my face to hers by my chin. “Paige Stone, are you telling me the truth? Are you sure you fell, or did something else happen?”
I could sense Buddy behind me and I was worried that if I told the truth, Momma wouldn’t let us play together anymore. My eyes looked anywhere but in Momma’s eyes. “Yes Momma. I’m sure.” I felt so bad for lying to her, but losing Buddy wasn’t something I was willing to risk.
Momma’s eyes flicked between Buddy and me and she finally wrapped her arm around my shoulder and started leading me back inside. “Well, I want both of you to come inside for the rest of the day. Paige, you need to get cleaned up and Buddy, you have homework you need to get started on.”
Buddy groaned from behind us as Momma walked us into the Center. She pointed Buddy towards the recreation room and pulled me into the bathroom near the kitchen. Momma re-cleaned all of the scrapes on my legs and placed large bandages over the skin. My mind played over the events of this morning and I trembled slightly at the thought of what Buddy had done to me. Pushing me out of the tree was probably an accident, but hitting me in the face? I couldn’t understand why he would think hitting me would make me stop crying. He didn’t make sense.
While Momma was finishing up her nursing, she took the opportunity to speak to me privately. “Paige Stone, I need you to tell me the truth about what happened. Your face is red and you’re all dirty and banged up. I don’t think this was an accident.”
My eyes looked anywhere but in Momma’s and I bit down on my lip to keep from saying anything about what happened. I let out a deep breath and decided to protect my friend. “It was an accident, Momma. I promise.”
Momma’s eyes were filled with disappointment as she turned to pack up the first aid supplies. I didn’t like Momma being unhappy and I decided to avoid Buddy for the rest of the day so nothing else would happen. He would be fine again by tomorrow but I needed to stay away from him on his group days. I trusted Buddy for the most part, but he frightened me when he got mad. On the days they made him talk about himself, he acted so differently than the playful boy I knew.
Momma finished up and instructed me to go play in the recreation room. I knew Buddy was in there and I wanted to avoid him. I looked up at Momma and flashed her my puppy dog look. “Momma, can I go in the library and read instead?”
Momma looked at me funny but then nodded her head. I quickly smiled at her and then scooted along to the other end of the building. I entered the library and inhaled deeply. The scent of old books was one of my favorites and the other children always made fun of me for my love of reading. I didn’t care, though. Those kids had no idea what they were missing because they never wanted to read. I was young to be reading, but Daddy had made sure to start teaching me when I was old enough to understand how to turn the pages.
I ran to the children’s bookshelves and picked out several that I hadn’t had a chance to read yet. After making my selections, I crawled up the large, cream colored papasan chair, curled up and dove into the first story. I’d just finished the first page when my skin prickled and I felt somebody enter the room. I instantly knew it was Buddy and I was nervous and slightly fearful to be alone with him. I didn’t turn to look at him and I attempted to pretend that I was too engrossed in my book.
“Paige.” He walked over to where I was sitting while I continued training my eyes on my book. “Paige? Look at me, Paige.” His hand came out and he grabbed onto my shoulder and shook me to get my attention. “Paige…Paige, look at me, Paige…”
~
“Paige! Dammit, Paige, wake up and look at me. Paige!”
My body shot upward and I felt a large hand gripping my shoulder. I flinched away from the grasp and bent my knees to hold my legs to my body. It was an instant defensive position, but I couldn’t stop myself from moving into it. I opened my eyes and Daemon sat beside me, a concerned expression played across his features and his eyes held mine with such intensity, I closed my eyes again to break the stare.
“Paige? What’s wrong? Talk to me. I came to check on you and you were crying in your sleep.”
I opened my eyes and blinked them to clear the hazy coating. Once I was able to focus, I looked over into Daemon’s face and instantly reached my arms out to pull him to me. His voice was soft and comforting as he whispered random things in an attempt to console me. I was suddenly enveloped in his strong arms and I sank further into him. My heart started to calm down and my breathing slowed while his body heat and scent soothed away my fears. He was silent while he placed kisses on the top of my head and rocked me gently back and forth. His hand came up to smooth down my hair before he pulled me from him to look in my eyes.
“Do you want to talk about it? I know you were dreaming, Damsel. You said Buddy’s name a couple of times. What was the dream about?” His eyes searched mine and I started to cry again. I didn’t know what that dream was about. I didn’t remember Buddy ever being that mean. I know that he pushed me around some, but hit me? It can’t be. Buddy would have never done that.
I shook my head to will away the sudden memory but then the words just started spilling out. Ever
y word I said brought the memory closer to me, made it more real and gave it weight in the confines of my subconscious. As I detailed every part to Daemon, the memory wrapped itself firmly around me and I realized, it was true. Words, and sounds, and meanings kept pouring out of me and no matter how much I wanted to stop the deluge from escaping, it just kept coming. By the time I was finished and I had told Daemon about the dream, the memory was firmly cemented within my head. It did happen. There were things I didn’t remember, there were parts of my life I didn’t want to know. What else had I forgotten that would be brought back to me when I was at my most vulnerable?
“…I was so afraid of him. That’s what I remember most. But I don’t understand. I loved him. He was my best friend. He would have never hurt me like that…” I was rambling, desperately trying to make sense of this long forgotten moment.
Daemon sat stock still and remained silent as I spoke. He never flinched, never moved, just looked at me with an unreadable expression. His eyes never left mine while I talked, he was always right there with me, but he didn’t give away what he was thinking or feeling. My speech finally slowed and there were no more words to be spoken. I had laid it out fully for him to absorb and I looked to him for any thought, idea or interpretation he could offer as to why my mind was suddenly presenting me with this information.
“So, what do you think, Daemon? Have I lost it to only just now remember this? I mean, I’m probably making this a bigger deal than it needs to be, right? Kids do things like that to each other.” As I attempted to convince him, I was actually attempting to convince myself. “It’s normal. Yeah, it was normal.”
My head continued to shake in objection to my ill placed fear. This whole thing was ridiculous and I was inwardly chiding myself for having freaked out like I did. Of course, children were sometimes cruel. It’s been like that since the beginning of time. So what if one solitary memory of my childhood escaped me? I was a fool for having allowed it to affect me as harshly as it did.