My heart pounded hard in my chest, and my muscles kept twitching with anxiety.
I wasn’t sure what this meant. I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
I just knew I liked her, despite everything. I was attracted as hell to her. But it seemed as if I shouldn’t be. I mean, what about Brandt? What about everything?
I was already dealing with enough shit. College, all the drama at home, my Vine business. I didn’t have the time or energy to be this mixed up over any girl. The back-and-forth with her was driving me crazy. I just…I needed a break. I needed to clear my head.
As soon as Dr. Taris called class, I shot from my chair, grabbing my books and mug, and I rushed from the room. Julianna gasped my name as if she wanted to talk to me, but I just couldn’t. I needed to process this.
JULIANNA’S CHAPTER | 15
I was still in a daze as I watched Colton race from the lecture hall.
I couldn’t believe what I’d done, but I didn’t regret it. The moment our shocked gazes had clashed after my tongue had claimed his skin, I’d been zapped with this surge of energy. He’d stared back almost as if he’d been afraid as if his entire future had just been laid out for him, whether he liked it or not, as if he realized he was mine now.
It was a powerful, almost overwhelming sensation. I sat, shell-shocked for the first half of the hour. Then I’d finally dared a sidelong glance his way only to find that he was still frozen with his own shock. For some reason, that made me feel better. I wasn’t the only one who knew something momentous had just happened. But apparently, I did seem to be the only one who needed to know what the momentous thing was.
I don’t think I’d ever seen a guy run away from me like that before. It probably should’ve worried me that he was resistant to the whole idea, but I don’t know. I just wasn’t. All it really filled me with was this determination to confront him. Right then.
So I gathered my things as quickly as possible. He’d gotten a good start, and all the people I had to dodge around were a nuisance. I panicked when I reached the entrance of the building and pushed outside, unable to immediately spot him. I turned in a circle, searching the stream of students coming in and going out.
Dammit. I’d lost him. I kept walking, not even sure which path he’d taken. Fate was on my side when I caught sight of him up ahead, standing at the end of the main courtyard in the center of the campus with his back to me.
As soon as I was within hearing distance, I called, “Colton!”
He ignored me, though I was sure he heard me. Instead of suffering through the humiliation of calling his name again and having him ignore me—again—I stormed closer and jammed my hands on my hips.
“Colton, dammit. I’m trying to talk to you.”
Admittedly, not the best communication opener of all time, but I was anxious to get to the meat of this. I needed a freaking clear understanding because the runaround between us was wearing me out.
Without turning his attention to me, he continued to watch something across the quad as he answered, “If you fucking apologize to me, I’ll never forgive you.”
My relief was instant. If he didn’t want me to apologize that had to mean he didn’t hate what I’d done. If he didn’t hate what I’d done, I could deal with the rest.
Cocking up a sassy eyebrow, I said, “Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it. You’ve never forgiven me for any apology I’ve given you.” My words faded as I realized how true that sentiment was. Struck straight in the chest with dread, I blurted. “Holy shit, you don’t forgive me, do you? For what I said that night at the wedding?”
He finally glanced at me, and his eyes swirled with emotion. I couldn’t tell if that was a yes or a no.
Instead of answering, he pointed in the direction he’d been staring. “You see that girl over there?”
“What?” I blinked and glanced out into the quad.
“The redhead sitting on the bench by herself, close to the big evergreen tree, doing homework.”
“Yeah…” I said slowly, crinkling my brow with confusion as I turned my gaze back to him. “What about her?”
“First month of college last semester, back in August,” he murmured, sliding his gaze contemplatively back to the redhead. “We met at a party. Started talking, had a couple drinks.”
I swallowed, really not liking where this was headed.
“I was into her,” he went on. “I mean, of course I was into her. She was fun and smart, pretty, easy to talk to. So we ended up in the back room and, you know…” He gave an uneasy shrug. “We hooked up.”
I swerved back to the redhead and gaped at her with new insight. “You had sex with her? With that girl?”
My stomach immediately cramped, and my vision wavered. I had to blink a few times to clear my eyes, suddenly hating the oblivious redhead who was tucking a long strand of bright red hair behind her ear as she flipped a page on her book. I didn’t care that it had happened months ago, back when Colton and I had barely even known each other and he’d probably only flirted with me at the bar to tick me off, back when I never would’ve even entertained the idea of starting something with him. I hated her anyway because she’d had him and I hadn’t.
So why the hell was he telling me about her? Did he want to make me jealous?
“Yeah,” he mumbled, as if reluctant to admit his escapades. Then he added, “We must’ve passed out or something afterward because the next morning I woke up to her sobbing hysterically. She was stumbling around, yanking her clothes back on, and mumbling about how our night together had been the worst mistake she’d ever made.”
I turned to him and frowned when I noticed he looked extremely regretful.
“I…” He shook his head and had to start over before meeting my eyes. “I never had a girl regret being with me before. It sucked. I mean, it really, really sucked. She was so upset, and nothing I said would make her feel better. It wasn’t like I’d forgotten her name or was looking for a one-night stand, either. I would’ve been perfectly willing to see her again and maybe start something if she’d been interested. But she ran off without even talking to me or giving me her number, or an explanation, or anything. And every time I’ve crossed paths with her since then, she’s turned around and fled in the opposite direction, like, I don’t know, I’m some kind of awful piece of shit or something for taking advantage of her because she’d been drunk or whatever, which I didn’t think I had done. I hadn’t exactly been sober myself. But then…then…” He jabbed his hand back toward the redhead. “Then I saw her hanging around that guy.”
I glanced over just in time to see a guy approach and sit next to the redhead. When she looked up and saw him, she smiled and kissed him on the lips.
“And then I had to wonder,” Colton continued, “did she have a boyfriend then? She never mentioned a boyfriend to me, and she was the one who suggested the back room. She knew exactly where to take me to find us a spot. She even kissed me first. So is she just a cheater? Did she turn me into a fucking cheater?”
“No,” I said sternly, shaking my head. “If she came on to you and never once told you about another guy in her life, then that’s all on her. Not you.”
He shook his head. “And yet that doesn’t make me feel better at all. All I know is that that girl right there is so torn up about what we did that she purposely avoids going anywhere near me. And it’s my fault, dammit.” He shook his head. “I hate this feeling. I told myself I was never ever fucking around with any other wasted chick again. I was never going to be anyone else’s drunk regret.” He suddenly glanced my way. “But then you came along.”
My lips parted with shock. “What?”
“You fucking lied to me,” he accused. “You said you wouldn’t regret it. You said you wanted me. You even swore on your heart. But what was the first thing you did when I stepped inside Forbidden the next night to see you? You fucking hid behind the counter to avoid me.”
Holy shit. All this time, I thought he’d been upset because I’d said
what I’d said to chase him off that night. But no. That didn’t seem to be the reason at all.
I’d had no idea he’d been feeling bad about us because of my reaction.
“Oh my God, Colton. No.” I began to shake my head because that wasn’t why I’d hidden. That wasn’t right at all. But he only arched an eyebrow.
I licked my lips and took a deep breath, glancing around for something to help me explain myself, but I found nothing. Just a bunch of people passing us on the sidewalk, and some of them glancing curiously our way as we had this very private conversation.
“Come with me,” I demanded. Taking his hand, I started toward the student union, thinking there had to be a place there he and I could talk without a million other people witnessing what we were saying.
Surprised when he actually came with me without any kind of resistance, I glanced at him, but I couldn’t tell what was going through his head. When his solemn brown gaze met mine, an off-the-wall thought struck me.
“Where’s my mug?” His hands had been free of stuff since I’d caught up with him at the quad.
For a moment, I thought he’d tossed it in the first trash can he’d passed because he’d been so mad at me, but he said, “My mug. And I put it in the side pocket of my backpack. Why?”
I couldn’t admit that I kind of wanted him to keep it now. So I focused my attention on opening the glassed doors of the student union and dragging him inside.
The walls were glass too. The stairs that led up to a second level were a polished chrome, but I ignored those and started around them, heading toward a commons area where I knew a lot of couches were.
But he yanked on my hand, stopping me. We were still terribly exposed, the glassed walls showed how many people were passing by on the outside of the building. But it was more secluded than before. Besides, I was pretty sure I wasn’t getting him to budge a step further. So I guessed this would do.
He lifted his eyebrows, plainly telling me without saying a word that it was time for me to stop stalling and start talking.
I pulled him under the staircase, which was just one step more private, and then I took a deep breath.
“Okay, I was embarrassed,” I finally admitted, meeting his skeptical brown gaze. “I was so mortified by what had happened—what I blurted out—at the wedding that I was too scared to apologize to you when I saw you come into the bar the very next night.”
“Embarrassed,” he murmured, repeating the word I’d just used. “Mortified.” Then he shook his head. “Yeah, those sound like words of regret to me.”
“No,” I growled, lifting my voice and stomping my foot. “I don’t regret what I did with you, you idiot. I regret what I said that made you stop. I regret those stupid, awful, untrue words that sent you running out of there the way you did.”
“Untrue?” he said quietly as he stepped closer to me.
My lips parted as that realization pierced through me like a wake-up call. Wow. I really didn’t regret making out with Colton, did I? And I didn’t think I would’ve even regretted it if we’d gone the whole way. The only thing I regretted was dragging his brother in between us, especially since I was absolutely, one hundred percent sure I was over Brandt.
But Colton didn’t possess such assurances. He gave a small, bitter laugh and shook his head. “Untrue my ass.”
He turned away to leave, but I couldn’t let him go. I grabbed his arm. “Colton—”
“What? What?” He spun back to me so fast I lurched away and let go of my grip on him. He clutched his head and clenched his teeth. “What the fuck do you want from me? From the moment I met you, I worshiped the ground you walked on, but all you ever did was shove my attention back in my face and treat me like an annoying, snot-nosed little brat. So I give you space, and now you’re suddenly all up in my grill like you actually do want me. I don’t get you. I don’t get what I’m supposed to do here or what you really want from me. I don’t—”
“Shh, shh.” I pressed my fingers to his lips, unable to bear listening to him because it hurt to hear how much turmoil I’d put him through. So I ended up admitting, “I don’t know...I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want.”
Okay, that was a lie.
I wanted him. I just couldn’t admit it.
Humiliated beyond reason, I let go of his mouth and pressed my hands to my cheeks. “Oh, God. I’m so sorry for dragging you into my messed-up head. Honestly, I don’t have a single fucking clue what I’m doing. I just know I never did anyone wrong the way I did you wrong, and I’m...I’m ashamed and guilty and embarrassed. But every time I see you, I just…I get all hot and bothered and want to attack you instead of apologize, like total animal-sex style attack you. Which has to be wrong because I’m supposed to be regretful and feel bad for what I did. And I do. Except I just...you make me…I keep having these visions of pushing you down onto some flat surface and grinding my pussy in your face and riding your tongue so fucking hard the ends of my fingers and toes blow off from the intensity of the pleasure it’d bring. But then I always want to fight with you too, like maybe even fight with you while I’m fucking you.”
I backed away from him, still clutching my face and staring with wide, frightened eyes. “And why the hell am I telling you all this? Please, God, say you’ve been zoning out for the last thirty seconds of my rant and haven’t heard a word I said.”
He caught my shoulders and stopped me from backing away from him another step. “Oh, I caught every word.”
“Shit.” I closed my eyes and prayed to sink through the ground and escape this humiliating moment. “Shit, shit, sh—”
He cut me off by pressing his mouth gently against mine.
My brain short-circuited and by the time it took me to realize we were kissing, he was already pulling away.
My lips parted as I exhaled. Slowly, my eyes came open. Colton watched me with a pensive expression. Then he licked his lips. “Okay, so...yeah. I want to fuck you too. And fight with you as well. Like...bad. Like, it doesn’t matter what you say or do to me, how much you hurt me or piss me off; I get this raging hard-on every time you’re around. Every time you disagree with me, I just want to piss you off until you kiss me and rip at my clothes. And then I want to bury my cock so deep inside you I forget my own fucking name. And then I want to make you forget yours.”
I gulped and went back to clutching my face in shame. “So I did hurt you?”
He caught my wrists and pulled my hands away from my cheeks. “Forget about that and listen to what I’m saying here. If either of us has any hope of escaping this chemical imbalance shit stirring between us before we both go schizo, we need to have sex. I’m talking no-holds-barred, hanging from the ceiling, tearing each other’s clothes off, animal-fucking sex.”
His delicious description swept through me like a hurricane. My hormones stirred to life and licked their lips, ready to climb him right there.
But…
“I don’t know. Doesn’t that sound...wrong to you?” my stupid conscience prompted me to say as I pressed my hand to my forehead.
Colton grinned one of his panty-dropping grins. “Oh, baby doll. Wrong’s just the way I like it.”
“See...” I pointed at him, frowning. “You say shit like that, and I know I should get annoyed and offended by it and want to smack your arrogant face, but no…no. Stupid me, I just want to climb you like a freaking stripper pole, shedding clothes as I go.”
“It’s because of the chemical—”
“Imbalance,” I snapped, tossing him a sharp glare. “Yeah, I got it.”
“Which is why I suggest we get it the fuck out of our systems so we can move past it.” He sounded snippety right back at me, which almost made me turn the ire on him, but then his words struck me. He’d worded his suggestion differently this time around.
Tipping my head to the side, I echoed the phrase, “Out of our system?” as I studied him. Then he’d said move past it as if he wasn’t planning on some kind of relati
onship or typical dating...procedure. Hell, he made it sound like—
“Are you suggesting you just want to do it one time, like you think that’ll clear all this up and we never have to...again? You think just one time would get it out of our systems?”
He shrugged. “I don’t see why it wouldn’t. Most of this whole attraction bullshit between us is probably just curiosity. Wipe that out of the equation, and boom. No more erections in class while I’m trying to listen to the lecture.”
“I am not a one-and-done kind of girl,” I said primly, only to chase it with, “but…”
He grinned, the jerk. “But…?”
Tempted, I shook my head. I had never had a one-night stand before. I turned my nose up at them. But…
“One time is basically like it never even happened,” I tried to convince myself.
“Basically,” he agreed, shifting closer, looking eager and excited. “Just a couple minutes out of one day of your entire life. Not even a blip on the radar, really. It’ll be completely forgettable, and we can move on with our lives without ever wanting to jump each other’s bones again.”
Yes.
Yes, that sounded perfect. This agonizing whatever-it-was-we-were-currently-doing was making me insane. I needed it out of me.
Besides, hadn’t my very own friends even encouraged me to have fun with no real commitment? This really could be perfect.
Except for the minutes part.
Arching an eyebrow, I said, “You mean a couple hours out of one day, right? I don’t want no sloppy, half-assed five-minute bang from you, boy. I want the full-service deal: foreplay, oral, deep penetration, and then maybe even a back rub afterward.” Yeah, a back rub sounded good so I could have a reason to maybe get my hands in his hair one last time before I never spoke to him again.