“I’m not gonna mess up,” I tell her. “I’d be careful.”
“No one ever plans on messing up, though. Just keep that in mind. You’re not always in control of your destiny.”
“I hate being me sometimes.”
“No, you don’t.” She rolls her eyes. “And if you do, you’re an ungrateful little brat.” She nudges me with her shoulder to show me she’s kidding. “You know, I love being a part of this family. I am so lucky that Steven met my mom all those years ago, and accepted me as his daughter. And I couldn’t be happier that we moved here to be closer to the family. I’m proud to preserve the Holland name. You know, I don’t want to be the one to go and screw that up. Oh, speaking of which, did you hear about Brandon?”
“No. What about him?” We don’t see much of my twenty-eight-year-old cousin anymore, but I was never really close to him.
“Some girl is suing him for paternity of her two-year-old child. Kelly and Thomas are apparently grandparents.”
“No way.” Kelly and my dad are twins. The thought of my father being a grandfather is unthinkable.
“Yeah. She’s only twenty-two. It was a brief relationship, apparently. But he says the kid looks like him.”
“Wow. Are they going to get married?”
“No,” she tells me as if the suggestion is preposterous. “At this point, he’s still seeing that Sylvie girl we met last spring. But she’s pretty upset.”
My Aunt Kelly is a grandmother?! The idea continues to seep in. My dad’s only forty-eight. I try to imagine telling him that he’s going to be a grandfather. It’s a frightening thought. No, he’s definitely too young to be a grandfather. Grandpas are sixty, minimum. I’d have to be really careful if Jon and I made the decision to have sex. I couldn’t tell my father that.
“Wonder why my dad didn’t tell me.”
“I’m sure your dad’s trying to keep it out of the press. This girl only recently found out that Brandon was Jack’s nephew. She’s suing for back child support and a monthly stipend of five-thousand dollars until the kid’s eighteen.”
“That’s sixty-thousand a year.”
“Yep.”
I do the calculation in my head. “She’d collect nearly a million dollars from him.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Does she realize he doesn’t have a million dollars?”
“She heard ‘Holland.’ She’s gonna try. She won’t win. Especially with your dad’s lawyers.”
“Yeah,” I agree, knowing my father has the best lawyers anyone can afford.
“He’s trying to work out an arrangement, though, where Kelly and Thomas will get to have some visitation rights if the paternity test proves he’s the father. At this point, Brandon doesn’t want to have anything to do with her, though.
“I think your dad is pretty upset about that part of it,” she adds. “He wants Brandon to take responsibility for his actions. And he should,” she states her own opinion.
“Yeah, he should.”
“Your dad has to deal with a lot of stuff, Livvy. Don’t make it harder on him, okay?”
“No, I know.”
“Don’t make him worry about you on top of everything else. You’re a good kid. Make good decisions.”
“I know,” I tell her, growing frustrated. “I do.”
“I know you do,” she whispers as she puts her arm around me. “But you can come to me, okay?”
“Thanks.”
I’m across the room talking to Granna when Jon finally shows up just before six. He looks frazzled as he scans the room looking for me. He barely smiles when he catches sight of me, but heads in my direction.
“Good evening, Donna,” he says first, shaking her hand politely. “Hope you don’t mind a party crasher.”
“Not if it’s you. You’re welcome any time as long as you bring out Livvy’s pretty little smile. Doesn’t she look beautiful tonight?”
“Granna,” I sigh as she walks away from us to greet some parents that had made their way inside.
“She does,” Jon says as he makes an obvious mental note of my skirt. My mom had bought it for me earlier in the week when I had told her the dress wasn’t so bad. She’d always tried to get me to dress “prettier,” so this was a happy development in her world. I’d paired the skirt with a red, short-sleeved, ruffled, button-down shirt. “Beguiling, even. That color looks amazing on you.”
“Thanks.”
As soon as we’re alone, Jon sighs and his confident expression is replaced with one of worry.
“What’s the matter?”
He shakes his head and holds my hand in his. “Nothing you need to worry about.”
“You’re sure?”
“Definitely. I’m much better now that I’m here. Let’s go check out some of this artwork.” The Art Room is set up in different sectors to show the parents our processes. While the parents and students wander around, grazing on snacks and talking to one another and to Granna, Lexi and a few of her students rehearse quietly in the next room. They’ll be performing up in the gallery at seven, where we have a special surprise for the artists.
This month, we’re featuring selected paintings, drawings and performance videos upstairs. There’s a massive media campaign for it, and all the proceeds will go toward a special day trip that Granna’s been planning.
“I thought your parents were coming,” Jon says to me.
“They’ll be here. I think they had to take Trey to my aunt’s house first. I’m sure he’s throwing a fit right about now. He thought my uncle, Matty, was going to stay with him.”
“Well? How about a few minutes in the courtyard?” he asks. “Do you think Donna will miss you right now?”
I glance over at her, deep in conversation with Amanda’s mom. “Nope.” I take his hand and lead him out the back door to the picnic table under a large oak tree. We have to clear the benches of mounds of leaves that have fallen from the surrounding trees the past week as fall has really made its presence known.
“Are you chilly?” he asks me as he sits down.
“I’m good.”
“Okay.” As I wait for him to kiss me, as I assumed that was his motive to get me away from the crowd, Jon leans over and messes with his watchband as his attention stays focused to some leaves on the ground. “I got my scores today,” he finally says.
“And?” I immediately realize he’s just messing with me with his sullen demeanor, and grab onto his arm excitedly. “How’d you do?”
When he looks up into my wide eyes, he smiles and pushes some hair off my forehead. He shakes his head, but his motions are subtle. “Probably barely high enough to get me accepted. I’m sure I’ll be teetering a line somewhere.”
“I’m sure you did better than that. You’re the smartest guy I know.”
“Not smart enough, apparently.”
“Jon, you are. I’m sure you’ll get in.”
He puts his head in his hands and takes a few deep breaths. “I’ve been working toward this one goal, all my life. Livvy, if I don’t get in, like... I don’t know what all this hard work has been for, you know? I don’t want to go to NYU. It’s a fine school, whatever, but I want Columbia. I want that worse than anything.”
I put my arm around his shoulder and try to console him.
“I want to prove to my mother, my brothers, my classmates... I want to prove to them all that I can do anything I set my mind to.”
“You can!” I encourage him. “You’ve already proven that, though.”
“No. It’s just not good enough.”
“Well,” I tell him. “I think it is. I’m not really into dating failures, you know.”
“Then maybe you should find someone else.”
“Jon!”
“Maybe I’m not good enough for you, either.”
“Shut up,” I tell him plainly. “You are not a failure. And you’re far better than good enough for me. I think you’re amazing. I always have.”
“Thanks,” he tells me,
trying to smile. I lean in and close my eyes, pressing my lips against his softly. He returns the kiss, but is obviously holding back. “You need more than some poor NYU kid, Livvy. I want to be able to provide a good life for you. The only reason I pursued you is because I felt like I could give that to you. I don’t want to waste your time, or your affections, you know?”
“You’re not, Jon!” My heart is pounding as I listen to him talk about a future with me. He really is serious. I mean, I want him to be. And it’s seemed like he is, but he seems to be actively making plans, which is far beyond what I would expect from my high school boyfriend. “Want to know something? My dad was a poor NYU kid. There’s no shame in that at all. The things that happen to you don’t define you, Jon. It’s the things that you make happen. That’s what my dad’s always told me. You can do anything. Anything at all.”
“I can’t buy my way into Columbia,” he says.
“Okay, maybe not that. But at this point, Jon, you haven’t even been rejected. You’re worrying about all of this right now, and there’s really no reason to. You can retake the tests if you want. That’s an option. That’s something you can do, if you think you need to.”
“They’re accepting people now. I don’t think there’s time.”
“Don’t give up,” I tell him, angling his face toward me. “I’m not into dating quitters, either.”
“Again, maybe I’m not–” I stop him with another kiss.
“You’re the one I’m into. Okay? So that means you can’t quit and you won’t fail.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He smiles genuinely and pulls me into his arms. I feel his lips on my temple, and then he lifts my chin so we can kiss once more, only this one kiss turns into many more. I melt as he looks into my eyes and feel the palm of his hand on my bare knee. His touch is tentative but still has me completely alert. I press my hand against his to let him know it’s okay. “I need a few minutes to catch my breath.” His cheeks become red and splotchy.
“I want you to do it again,” I encourage him.
“Uhhh.” He chuckles under his breath. “Later. I’m getting a little carried away.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, Liv,” he says with certainty. “Just trust me on this one.”
I smile proudly, happy to make him feel this way.
“How did your test go?” he asks, changing the subject.
“Well, Henry helped, but apparently all the other elements went out to obtain that food, because they were nowhere to be found in my brain. I failed it.”
“Failed?”
“Yeah. Only two people passed, so he’s letting us retake it after school next Friday. I mean, he said we needed to memorize the table, but I really didn’t take him literally. I thought we might have to fill in some blanks here and there, but he expected us to fill in all the blanks.”
“I’ve got mnemonic devices for all the elements, Livvy.”
“Well, write them down for me or something. I don’t want a permanent F on my record. I’ve never gotten an F before.”
“I wouldn’t let that happen. I don’t date failures, either.”
“Thanks.”
“We should probably head inside. If your parents showed up, I’m sure they’re wondering where you are.”
“Good point,” I say with a frown.
Sure enough, the second we walk through the back door, hand-in-hand, my parents are looking directly at us. Although I try to stop walking, afraid of a possible confrontation, Jon pulls me along after him. He walks right up to them, unfazed. Then again, he has no idea what my parents know about him. I hold my breath, bracing myself for the worst.
“Jack, Emi, it’s nice to see you again,” he says as he shifts to the other side of me to take my right hand in his left, freeing up his hand to shake my dad’s.
“Hello, Jon. Were you two enjoying the weather?” he asks, letting us know that he saw us come in from the courtyard.
“Definitely. I love this time of year.” Jon’s eyes never leave my father’s. “Listen, I have a question for you. Both of you actually.”
“Go ahead,” my dad says as he exchanges a glance with Mom.
“Livvy mentioned she’s struggling with chemistry–”
“Jon,” I whisper to him. I hadn’t told my parents about the test.
“Are you, Tessa?” I shoot my dad a glare at his use of my nickname. “Are you?” he repeats.
“Yeah. I failed a test yesterday.”
“So you’re thinking of maybe taking some time away from Livvy, here, so she can concentrate on her schoolwork?” my dad asks Jon smugly.
“No, sir,” Jon says. “She explained that only two people passed, so it sounds like her teacher may not have done a good job preparing the class for the test. That’s just my opinion.”
“And what do you suggest?” Dad questions tersely. I look over at my mom, who’s standing behind Dad with a smile across her lips. I have to bite my lips to maintain a neutral expression.
“I’m actually very good at chemistry.”
“As am I,” my dad counters.
“I can appreciate that, Jack, but I’ve tutored quite a few kids at my school, and I’d like to offer my services to help Livvy with her course.”
“Would you?” The question comes out as a defeated sigh.
“I would. I could come over after school a few days this week to make sure she knows the periodic table like the back of her hand.”
My dad considers the offer. “I’ll tell you what. Sure, we’ll try it out this week. You can come over on Monday and Wednesday for two hours, tops. If she gets a perfect score on the test, we can talk about making it a more regular thing. And if she doesn’t, we’ll pass on your tutoring services.”
“Understood,” Jon says as he holds his hand back out for my dad to commit to the arrangement. My dad stares at his hand, but eventually shakes it. “We won’t let you down, right, Liv?”
“Right. Chemistry with you? I’m in.”
It’s too late to take back what I said, and I realize it probably wasn’t appropriate. This is confirmed when my dad puts his arm around Jon’s shoulder and asks if he can have a few minutes of his time.
“Of course.” As soon as they walk out into the courtyard, I cover my face, embarrassed and afraid of what my dad might be saying to him.
“That was smooth, Little Liv.” Matty laughs at me. “Hope you weren’t looking to have a future with that one.” I backhand him in the chest and glare at him.
“Mom, what is he doing?”
“I’m not sure, Livvy. Maybe just setting some ground rules.”
“Oh god, oh god, oh god. What if he changes his mind?”
“About the tutoring? He won’t change his mind about that.”
“About what, then? Dating him?”
“Livvy, calm down. You know what, we’re here to meet these parents tonight and show off their kids’ talents, not to be with Jon–”
“–or worry about whether or not only one of them will come back inside unscathed–” my uncle adds.
“Matty, that’s not funny.”
“Yeah, it is,” my mom says with a smile. “The thought of your dad hurting anyone. Come on, Liv. Introduce me to some of your students.”
The conversation between Dad and Jon is fairly brief. My dad joins Mom, Matty and me while we’re talking to Jordan’s older sister about the program. Dad introduces himself, and immediately starts to charm the visitors. I can’t find Jon anywhere, and suddenly it’s the only thing I can think about. I finally see him as he’s walking out the front door.
“Excuse me, I’ll be right back.” My dad avoids my eye contact as I leave the conversation and make my way to the entrance. When I get outside, I see Jon going into the smoothie shop.
“Hey,” I say from behind him once I enter the store.
“What would you like?” he asks without turning around.
“I’m good,” I tell him.
“Alright. I’d like a strawberry banan
a cocktail with a shot of vodka,” he tells the woman behind the counter.
She smiles at him weakly. “Wish I had that to offer you.” He waits for his smoothie before he turns around to me.
“I think I’ll go home soon,” he tells me as he walks out of the shop. He leans against a parking meter and takes a drink.
“Okay. What happened? You don’t get to come tutor me?”
“Oh, no, that’s still on. Under the ever-watchful eye of your dad, that’s still on the schedule. But you told him about me, Livvy? You told him I’m not a virgin? Why in the world would you tell your father such a thing?”
“I honestly didn’t mean to. I was talking to Mom–”
“Let me be more specific,” he says, interrupting me. “There are some things you just don’t need to tell your parents. Some things are private, and should stay between us. I’m dating you, not them, okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper, feeling bad. “I’m really sorry. I was just confused.”
“About what, Liv? Ask me questions if you have them. Especially if they’re about me. I have those answers, not Mom and Dad, okay?”
“Okay,” I repeat softly. “How many girls have you slept with?”
He nods at me, knowing the question was coming. “Two.”
“When?”
“The first one was last year–last summer. The second was a couple months later.” His answers surprise me–and disappoint me.
“Oh.” I can feel my bottom lip begin to quiver. “Wait, a couple months later? Is it not that big of a deal to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ll just sleep with whomever? How could you have had meaningful relationships in that span of time?”
“You’re right. I couldn’t. It’s not like I didn’t know them, though.”
“So, what, it just happened?”
“No. Sex doesn’t just happen. It was premeditated, I guess.”
“So you loved these girls?”
He stares at me as he searches for an answer, a good enough answer. He opens his mouth to speak, but changes his mind and remains quiet, turning his back to me and looking at the park across the street. Small bulbs adorn the trees and glow as the sun disappears beyond the horizon.