GINA Oh God.
WILL Oh Something.
GINA And I think how since the first time you touched me on the…?
WILL Breast.
GINA Chin.
WILL Sorry.
GINA Men. I thought, “Oh God, it all makes sense now. I can breathe. I can live. I’m, I’m home.”
WILL Home.
GINA I’m home, Will.
WILL Let’s kill him.
GINA Let’s kill him.
WILL Yeah.
GINA Who?
WILL Who.
GINA My husband?
WILL Yes.
GINA Okay.
WILL No, no really.
GINA No, no really.
Scene 2
Another booth. The DOCTOR, a psychiatrist, is meeting with his PATIENT, a woman.
PATIENT So, okay, we’re here.
DOCTOR We’re here. At your insistence.
PATIENT No, no. Yours.
DOCTOR You asked to meet. I suggested a public place.
PATIENT A bar. This bar.
DOCTOR A public place.
PATIENT With liquor.
DOCTOR As opposed to a Wal-Mart?
PATIENT As opposed to a Starbucks.
DOCTOR I don’t drink coffee.
PATIENT Maybe you should take it up.
DOCTOR I like tea. It’s better for you.
PATIENT And yet we’re here. So’s it safe to say you like liquor more than tea?
[DOCTOR stands. PATIENT is oblivious.]
PATIENT Can we assume that?
DOCTOR I’m going.
[PATIENT notices him standing.]
PATIENT Doctor, please.
DOCTOR This was a bad idea.
PATIENT Please.
[DOCTOR places some money on the table.]
DOCTOR A terrible idea.
PATIENT Just listen.
DOCTOR There’s enough there to pay for the drinks.
PATIENT Just please listen.
DOCTOR It was unprofessional of me. A bad, bad idea.
PATIENT I keep…
DOCTOR Please don’t drink too much—
PATIENT I can’t…
DOCTOR —if you drove.
PATIENT I used to…
DOCTOR Even if you didn’t.
PATIENT I used to remember things.
DOCTOR There’s a cabstand not too far. In front of that motel.
PATIENT I forget birthdays I had. Parts of high school, college, my twenties, last year.
DOCTOR Because you drink.
PATIENT You’re the one who wanted to meet here!
DOCTOR And why? Why do you think that is?
PATIENT Because you’re projecting?
DOCTOR Nice try.
PATIENT I thought you were leaving.
[He starts to walk.]
PATIENT I know where you live.
DOCTOR [Stops, looks back.] I moved.
PATIENT Two-twenty-four Stellar Lakes Lane.
[Beat.]
Oh, I’m sorry—another round?
[He slides into the booth.]
Scene 3
Another booth. BOBBY and BOBBY’S FATHER.
BOBBY’S FATHER So how was she?
BOBBY I sent her home.
BOBBY’S FATHER Before or after?
BOBBY During.
BOBBY’S FATHER How do you send a whore home during?
BOBBY She kept interrupting the blow job to pontificate on the merits of Michael Bay films.
BOBBY’S FATHER Who’s that?
BOBBY Movie director. Makes all those shitty movies like The Rock and Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys.
BOBBY’S FATHER I like those movies. They’ve got clarity.
BOBBY Clarity.
BOBBY’S FATHER
Yeah. No one’s all confused about how they feel or what they want or any of that whiny-ass bullshit. They want to fuck the blond chick, they feel like blowing shit up. It’s pure. So you sent her home.
BOBBY I gave her cab fare.
BOBBY’S FATHER She didn’t use it.
BOBBY Huh?
BOBBY’S FATHER She came over to my room.
BOBBY Your room.
BOBBY’S FATHER Somebody had to prop her ego up, poor girl like that.
[They stare at each other.]
BOBBY So what’d you do after?
BOBBY’S FATHER I rinsed my dick in the sink and drove her home.
BOBBY You drove her home.
BOBBY’S FATHER I’m speaking Czech?
BOBBY People do have a way of disappearing in your company, Daddy. You drove her home.
BOBBY’S FATHER I drove her home. Yes.
BOBBY Where’d she live?
BOBBY’S FATHER Home.
[Beat.]
So what was it like?
BOBBY You’ve never been?
BOBBY’S FATHER Been in county a couple times, but the big house? No, no, boy, not for your old man. So tell me, come on.
BOBBY It was like prison, Dad. The hard cons say you only do two days in prison. The day—
BOBBY’S FATHER That right?
BOBBY —you go in and the day you get out. I did the day they transferred me from the hospital ward and the day you picked me up in a stolen car with a hooker in the backseat.
BOBBY’S FATHER And a bottle of Beam, don’t forget.
BOBBY And a bottle of Beam, thank you.
BOBBY’S FATHER And some coke. That too.
BOBBY That too.
BOBBY’S FATHER So how’s the memory?
[BOBBY laughs.]
BOBBY’S FATHER What?
BOBBY “How’s the memory.” I took two bullets to the head, old man.
BOBBY’S FATHER I thought one glanced off.
BOBBY Two bullets hit your fucking head, you don’t get hung up on specifics.
BOBBY’S FATHER That how it works?
Scene 4
GINA and WILL stare at each other. Gina’s husband, HAL, approaches with a pitcher of beer in one hand, three shots in the other, and three beer glasses dangling from his fingers.
GINA [Eyes still on WILL.]
Hi, honey.
HAL Little help?
[WILL helps him place the pitcher and glasses on the table.]
WILL There you go, boss.
HAL Mighty white of you, I must say. Many times as I’ve been in here, you’d think I’d have some suck with the bartenders. Nope. I wait like everyone else.
GINA Lost in a sea of the great unwashed. Poor baby.
[HAL sits beside her, begins pouring beers.]
HAL It’s a trial. Lucky I’m such a sweetheart. So you took care of that Coronado thing?
WILL Wrapped it up this morning. Came back as soon as humanly possible.
HAL Now there’s a sense of industry. I’ll drink to that.
[HAL and GINA and WILL throw back their shots.]
HAL I always told you, honey. Didn’t I always say?
GINA You always said.
HAL In-dustrious. You okay?
GINA Fine.
HAL Sure?
GINA Really. Yeah. Just tired.
HAL Oh, I heard a good one today.
[GINA lights a cigarette.]
HAL Do you have to?
GINA Do you?
HAL Fair enough. You smoke your cancer stick, I’ll tell my joke. It’s just I love her so much, you know, boy?
WILL So the joke?
HAL Oh, right. I heard this from Frank. You know Frank, right?
WILL Frank in Shipping?
HAL No. That’s Frank Stebson. I’m talking about Frank in Accounts Receivable.
WILL No. I don’t know him.
HAL Frank. Frank. You know the guy. Frank Corso. Big whale. Works in Accounts Receivable.
WILL No.
HAL Sure you do. Always doing Saturday Night Live routines on Monday morning? Wears ties that play music? Frank. Funny as shit. He—
GINA Doesn’t seem he knows the man.
HAL You don’t?
/>
WILL ’Fraid not.
HAL Frank. From…Well, anyway, there’s this guy who—
WILL Is this Frank?
HAL What? No. This is the joke.
WILL My apologies.
HAL
Okay. Well, there’s this old boy and he’s got a son, kid’s, you know, twenty-two or so, always loafing around the house. One day, the guy says to his son, “You need to get up on out this house and find yourself a wife cuz we about done feeding your ass.” So the kid comes back about a week later, finds his father in the basement, says, “Daddy, I found me a woman.” Father says, “Where she at, boy?” Son says, “Setting on the couch in the living room.” So the father, he takes a stroll up there, then comes running back down to the basement. He says, “Boy, you can’t marry that girl. She’s your sister, but your mama don’t know it.”
[WAITRESS comes up to the table.]
WAITRESS You all alright here?
WILL Take another round, thanks.
[WAITRESS nods and leaves.]
HAL
So the son comes back a week later, the father’s out in the shed. Boy says, “Daddy, I found me another woman.” Father says, “Where she at?” Son goes, “Setting on the couch in the living room.” Father goes into the house, takes a look, comes running back to the shed. “Son, you can’t marry her either. She’s your sister too. But your mama don’t know it. So get rid of her.” ’Bout a week later, the son’s sitting in the house, sad and all, and his mama comes in, says, “What happened to those nice girls you were bringing around? I thought you were gonna marry one of them.” Boy says, “But, Mama, Daddy said I couldn’t cuz they was my sisters.” The mother says, “What?” And the boy says, “That’s what he said. He said you didn’t know about it.” The mother says, “Well, don’t you worry, son, you marry whichever one you please, cause he ain’t your daddy.”
[HAL laughs uproariously. WILL chuckles. GINA smokes. The WAITRESS returns, places their drinks on the table.]
GINA Keep ’em coming, okay?
Scene 5
DOCTOR and PATIENT.
DOCTOR So you’ve been forgetting.
PATIENT What’s the missus think of the new digs?
DOCTOR So you’ve been forgetting.
PATIENT Go to Crate & Barrel, did you? Get the latest stemware?
DOCTOR You’ve been forgetting.
PATIENT A lot.
DOCTOR What’re you on?
PATIENT Nothing but the shit you prescribed. What’s it? Haldol. I had a dog once. Had him from the time I was four till I was sixteen. His name was BB and when you stuck your nose in his fur it smelled like cinnamon. Don’t ask me why, but it did. And I can tell you how he didn’t so much walk as trundle. Is that a word? He trundled and his butt sashayed like a French hooker’s. I loved that dog. So how come I can’t tell you what kind of dog he was?
DOCTOR He was a mutt?
PATIENT If he was a mutt, I’d tell you he was a mutt. I’d remember he had a mutt’s face. But I can’t see his face. I can’t remember what he looked like.
DOCTOR You can’t see his face.
PATIENT Twelve years of my life and I can’t see his face. It’s the noise, the noise, the noise, don’t you think?
DOCTOR What noise?
PATIENT
What noise? The fucking bells, the whistles, the plethora of fucking choices for fucking nothing. The fucking Coast or Irish Spring or Ivory Snow. The SUVs and handbags and coats and diet pills and fitness programs and everything new-and-fucking improved! And you buy it so it’ll fill those places in you that never did fill, those places you carry around in you like extra lungs? It’ll make you feel right, but you’re not filled, you’re not right. And then you wake up and you can’t remember what your dog looked like. Jesus Christ.
DOCTOR Take a breath.
PATIENT I’m breathing. I didn’t forget how to do that.
DOCTOR Well, that’s something.
PATIENT Yeah, that’s something. Who are you?
DOCTOR What?
PATIENT Kidding.
Scene 6
BOBBY and BOBBY’S FATHER.
BOBBY’S FATHER So you didn’t stash it at Gwen’s house?
BOBBY Not that I recall.
BOBBY’S FATHER Think.
BOBBY I’ve been thinking.
BOBBY’S FATHER So you’re sure it’s not there.
BOBBY I didn’t say I’m sure. I said “Not that I recall.”
BOBBY’S FATHER Well, recall better.
BOBBY Would that I could. Where’s Gwen?
BOBBY’S FATHER I told you two years ago, that girl got gone. No note, no nothing, just blew out of town. Forget her. Shit, you forgot everything else. Forget Gwen. Hear me? Forget Gwen. So where do you think it is?
BOBBY Like a bulldog on a pork chop.
BOBBY’S FATHER You’ve got to have some theories.
BOBBY Where’s Gwen?
BOBBY’S FATHER Caracas. Uzbekistan. Kathmandu. I told you. I don’t know.
BOBBY So maybe it’s with her.
BOBBY’S FATHER No.
BOBBY Why not?
BOBBY’S FATHER You told me.
BOBBY I did? What I tell you?
BOBBY’S FATHER You called me from the hospital parking lot.
BOBBY I did? The hospital? No shit?
BOBBY’S FATHER Dumb fucking move if ever there was one, her dropping you there.
BOBBY I seem to remember I was bleeding all over the place by that point, starting to talk all funny.
BOBBY’S FATHER Oh, sure, you remember that.
BOBBY So what’d I say when I called you?
BOBBY’S FATHER You fucking with me?
BOBBY Perish the thought.
BOBBY’S FATHER Are you?
BOBBY Just asking what I said.
BOBBY’S FATHER You said, “I hid it somewhere safe. No one knows where but me.”
BOBBY I said all that? Wow. What else I say?
BOBBY’S FATHER Nothing. Cops had pulled up by that point, were calling you motherfucker, telling you to drop the fucking phone and get on the fucking ground you fucking motherfucker. You hung up.
BOBBY Cops do love saying “fuck.” So I guess Gwen doesn’t have it.
BOBBY’S FATHER No, she doesn’t.
BOBBY Huh. Well, let’s hope something jars my memory.
BOBBY’S FATHER Yeah, let’s.
Scene 7
The DOCTOR sits alone in the booth. The table is littered with empty glasses. The WAITRESS approaches.
WAITRESS Let me get some of those out of your way, honey.
DOCTOR Thanks.
WAITRESS You guys want another?
DOCTOR Sure. Why not?
[The WAITRESS leaves as the PATIENT returns from the bathroom. She sits, looks across at him. They both laugh.]
PATIENT What?
DOCTOR What, what?
PATIENT You’re lit.
DOCTOR I am.
PATIENT How unseemly of you.
DOCTOR I hate those “un” words that have no correlative.
PATIENT Big-word breakfast this morning?
DOCTOR You know what I mean. You hear of someone being un-seemly, but never seemly. No one says “His behavior was impeccably seemly.” Or did you ever hear of someone being “kempt”? No really. You’re always un-kempt. I’d like to be there, alive and ticking, the day someone says “This is Ted. He’s kind to his mother, has perfect dental, drives an Audi, and is astonishingly kempt.”
PATIENT Wow. You are so lit.
DOCTOR I am. It’s pleasant.
[WAITRESS returns with their drinks. She leaves.]
PATIENT Bit of a slippery slope we’re on, Doctor, don’t you think?
DOCTOR What do you mean?
PATIENT Weren’t you the one who advised me against being coy? Who’s coy now?
DOCTOR Madam, I object to the imputation. I am not being coy, I am being drunk. And if the slippery slope to which you refer has an end point of illicit se
xual congress, I can assure you that the liquor has made that far more of a moot point than a likely occurrence.
PATIENT You’re too drunk to get it up.
DOCTOR Precisely.
PATIENT Who’s going to need a cab now?
DOCTOR Cheers.
PATIENT But won’t the missus wonder where the car is in the morning? And why that car was left outside a honky-tonk in the unincorporated part of the county?
DOCTOR Let’s leave her out of this.
PATIENT You leave her out of a lot, I’d bet. Is she pretty?
DOCTOR Yes.
PATIENT Smart?
DOCTOR Very.
PATIENT Don’t-drink-don’t-smoke-what-do-you-do kinda gal?
DOCTOR I’m not trying to make it bad.
PATIENT You’re not trying to make it bad?
DOCTOR I’m trying to make it good. I am.
PATIENT Meeting me in a bar so you can fuck me, that’s trying to make it good?
DOCTOR I’m not trying to fuck you.
PATIENT Yes, you are.
DOCTOR No, I’m not.
PATIENT Yes, you are.
DOCTOR No, I’m—
PATIENT This isn’t your office. This isn’t therapy. This is you trying to tap my ass in a fucking bar.
DOCTOR No, no. I removed that from the table. You remember? I did. I said I was too drunk. I did.
PATIENT Then why are you here?
DOCTOR Because you called me.
PATIENT So?
DOCTOR So?
PATIENT So?
DOCTOR Grace, I—
PATIENT My name’s not Grace.
DOCTOR Your name’s not…?
PATIENT My name’s not Grace. Close, but no Ci-Grace.
Scene 8
BOBBY and BOBBY’S FATHER settle into a booth.
BOBBY’S FATHER Well, that was utterly fucking fruitless.
BOBBY I got some glue.
BOBBY’S FATHER Gives me such a warm feeling inside. Where is it?
BOBBY Right here.
[BOBBY produces a tube of Krazy Glue. He applies some to the ashtray, then affixes a coin to it.]
BOBBY’S FATHER No, I meant—
BOBBY Shit’s amazing. You could glue a monkey’s ass to a guy’s head and it would never come off. The guy’s stuck with it, the monkey shitting all over his head, and he’d have to feed it, I guess, but that monkey’s just banging away on the guy’s face and the guy can’t do a fucking thing short of scalping himself or that monkey’s there for life.
BOBBY’S FATHER Fuck the glue. Where is it?